A Hollywood producer crashes his private airplane near the island and he is unimpressed with Ginger's improvisational acting, so the castaways stage their own musical production of "Hamlet" to showcase Ginger’s talent.
“The Producer”
By
Gerald Gardner
and
Dee Caruso
October 3, 1966
TEASER
FADE IN:
EXT. LAGOON - DAY
Gilligan runs from the spring-fed stream through the jungle to the lagoon beach.
GILLIGAN
Skipper! Hey, Skipper!
PLANE
flies in nearly cloudless blue sky.
GILLIGAN (O.S.)
It's a plane! It's a plane, Skipper!
BACK TO SCENE
Gilligan runs toward camp.
GILLIGAN
It's a plane!
Skipper walks down the path from camp carrying logs for a signal fire. They collide and Skipper drops the logs.
SKIPPER
Don't you ever watch where you're going? I know it's a plane.
PLANE
flies in nearly cloudless blue sky.
SKIPPER (O.S.)
It's been circling for the last ten minutes. It's probably a search plane.
BACK TO SCENE
GILLIGAN
I better get some wood for the signal fire.
Gilligan turns to run to camp, but Skipper restrains him by grabbing his shirt collar.
SKIPPER
(points to logs)
Gilligan, what do you suppose this is for, roasting marshmallows?
GILLIGAN
Oh, yeah.
Skipper and Gilligan fumble with the logs. They each pick up two logs.
SKIPPER
Never mind the wood. I'll handle the wood. You go get our radio. He's probably been trying to contact us.
GILLIGAN
Yes, sir, the radio!
Gilligan throws the logs down on the ground, hitting Skipper's feet. Skipper grimaces in pain. Gilligan runs to the bamboo island taxi and enters it.
GILLIGAN'S SHOES
as he pedals the bamboo island taxi.
BACK TO SCENE
Gilligan drives the bamboo island taxi into the jungle toward camp.
FADE OUT.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
EXT. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - DAY
PALM TREES, COCONUTS, AND A NEARLY CLOUDLESS SKY
EXT. CAMP - DAY
RADIO ON SMALL TABLE
Ginger rests her arm on the radio as she reclines on a chaise lounge and listens to the radio. She holds sunglasses in her hand.
RADIO ANNOUNCER
And now from Hollywood: Harold Hecuba, the cinema's top producer, is circling the world in his private plane in a talent hunt for new faces to star in his next musical extravaganza, tentatively entitled "Musical Extravaganza."
Gilligan drives the bamboo island taxi into camp and stops near Ginger's chaise lounge chair.
RADIO ANNOUNCER (cont'd)
Mister Hecuba, or H.H., as he is affectionately known here in Hollywood, insists on searching in out of the way places to find stars ...
Gilligan snatches the radio.
GINGER
Gilligan!
Ginger grabs Gilligan's shirt to pull him back and retrieve the radio.
GILLIGAN
Hi, Ginger. Bye, Ginger.
GINGER
Put that down.
GILLIGAN
Ah, no, this is important.
GINGER
So is this.
GILLIGAN
I know but --
GINGER
No buts about it. I'm listening to the Hollywood news. You can have it when I'm through.
Gilligan places the radio back on the table. Gilligan gets back in the bamboo island taxi and drives back to the lagoon beach. Ginger lies back and enjoys the rest of the radio story.
RADIO ANNOUNCER
... for talented performers. Some of the stars that Mister Hecuba has discovered in the past include that handsome leading man, Patch Pockets and the great cowboy star, Bum Steer. All his friends in Hollywood wish H.H. well in his worldwide mission.
EXT. LAGOON - DAY
Gilligan drives the bamboo island taxi back through the jungle to the lagoon. He parks the bamboo island taxi and exits. Skipper picks up the logs for the signal fire.
GILLIGAN
Ginger says you can have the radio as soon as she's finished with --
Skipper tosses the logs aside.
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
What are you doing?
SKIPPER
Gilligan, that plane was circling not looking for us, it was because he was in trouble.
GILLIGAN
We're in more trouble than he is. We're shipwrecked.
SKIPPER
Well, he's shipwrecked, too. I saw him crash.
GILLIGAN
He can't be shipwrecked, he was flying a plane. He can be plane-wrecked, but he can't be shipwrecked.
SKIPPER
All right, so he was plane-wrecked. I just hope he's okay.
GILLIGAN
He's okay, look.
HAROLD HECUBA
pilots a small brightly colored inflatable boat across the lagoon toward the beach. It has a small outboard engine and a canopy. Harold Hecuba, the famous Hollywood producer, reclines on small pillows in the boat. Behind the boat, Harold Hecuba tows a small inner tube-sized craft that carries his luggage. The inner tube craft has "HH" written on it in fancy script.
FLIP TO:
EXT. LAGOON - DAY
Harold Hecuba's boats are pulled up on to the beach. Gilligan unloads his provisions and luggage. Gilligan puts two wicker baskets on a nearby boulder. Harold Hecuba smokes a cigar.
HAROLD HECUBA
Careful with that stuff, will you, kid?
SKIPPER
I think it's a miracle that you're even alive.
HAROLD HECUBA
I don't know, these new planes, you press a wrong button, things, who knows?
Harold Hecuba walks over to the wicker baskets sitting on the boulder.
HAROLD HECUBA (cont'd)
Let me see now. I'll have to send some telegrams, I'll need a large office, four private telephones, two private secretaries, wall-to-wall carpeting --
Skipper and Gilligan listen to the list of items Harold Hecuba rattles off. Harold Hecuba notices they neither Skipper nor Gilligan respond to any of the items he rattled off. Harold Hecuba opens one of the wicker baskets.
HAROLD HECUBA (cont'd)
You're standing? Move it! Move it!
SKIPPER
Well I'm sorry, but we don't have any telephones or any telegraphs out here.
GILLIGAN
And no carpeting.
HAROLD HECUBA
Now that's negative thinking. I don't put in with negative thinking. Do you want to know why? Because it's negative.
SKIPPER
Well, I'm sorry, but this is a deserted island and there's only seven castaways out here, and I'm the Skipper.
GILLIGAN
And I'm Gilligan.
HAROLD HECUBA
What are you, some kind of Peace Corps dropouts? Come on, boys.
(snaps fingers)
Move it! Move it!
Harold Hecuba opens one of the wicker baskets.
HAROLD HECUBA (cont'd)
You're standing? When Harold Hecuba does this,
(snaps fingers and claps twice)
you do that.
(motions to the open wicker basket)
Let's take it from the top.
Harold Hecuba snaps his fingers and claps twice. Gilligan steps up to him.
HAROLD HECUBA (cont'd)
You're gonna be all right.
Harold Hecuba goes through the contents of his wicker basket and removes items from it.
HAROLD HECUBA (cont'd)
Now, let me see now. Casting directory, swimming trunks, suntan oil, electric toothbrush. A-ha. Here it is! Spread that out, kid.
Harold Hecuba hands a folded signal marker to Gilligan.
SKIPPER
Now just a minute, Mister Hecuba. You're a long way from Hollywood and I'm skipper of this island and I give the orders.
GILLIGAN
He's the skipper. He gives the orders.
HAROLD HECUBA
Is that a fact? Well, hear this and hear this good. Right now a couple of my flunkies are following me in a plane. Now, if you and your friends want to be my guests in a free ride back to civilization --
GILLIGAN
We do, we do!
HAROLD HECUBA
-- then remember one thing, the key word around here is "cooperation." That is the word. "Cooperation." Now, who gives the orders around here?
SKIPPER
Mister Harold Hecuba.
GILLIGAN
Mister Harold Hecuba.
HAROLD HECUBA
That's better. All right, kid, spread out that signal marker. People. People!
Gilligan moves to set up the signal marker.
FLIP TO:
EXT. CAMP - DAY
Gilligan drives the bamboo island taxi out from the jungle, past the supply hut to the Howells hut. Harold Hecuba and Skipper ride in the back.
HAROLD HECUBA
Nice job, kid. Now go down and pick up the rest of my luggage.
GILLIGAN
No tip?
HAROLD HECUBA
Tip? Tip? Tip? Put it on my tab. How much is one and one?
GILLIGAN
Two.
Gilligan holds out two fingers in scissors fashion.
HAROLD HECUBA
(to Gilligan)
Good boy. Here.
Harold Hecuba places his cigar between Gilligan's outstretched fingers.
HAROLD HECUBA (cont'd)
(turns to Skipper)
You're standing? You're standing?
SKIPPER
Right this way, Mister Hecuba.
Skipper leads Harold Hecuba around the back of the bamboo island taxi toward the Howells hut.
HAROLD HECUBA
All right, look alive, look alive.
SKIPPER
Yes, sir.
Gilligan looks at the cigar, briefly ponders what to do with it, and tosses it over his shoulder.
FLIP TO:
INT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY
Skipper discusses Harold Hecuba's living arrangements with Mr. Howell.
SKIPPER
So Mister Hecuba thought that this would be the most comfortable place for him to stay, Mister Howell.
Harold Hecuba walks around the hut and surveys it.
HAROLD HECUBA
Ugly! Ugly! This looks like a poverty pocket in a disaster area.
MR HOWELL
Now, see here!
HAROLD HECUBA
Oh, don't apologize, pussycat.
MR HOWELL
Pussycat!
HAROLD HECUBA
Oh, if this is the best you have, I guess I'll just have to put up with it.
MR HOWELL
I'll have you know that Missus Howell and I are not sharing our quarters with a perfect stranger.
HAROLD HECUBA
Nobody's perfect. I wouldn't think of sharing this hovel with you and your wife.
MR HOWELL
Well, that's much better.
HAROLD HECUBA
You're moving out. I'm taking over. You and your wife will have to find other quarters.
MR HOWELL
This is outrageous. What nerve! What gall!
SKIPPER
(sotto)
Mister Howell, please. He's gonna get us off the island.
MR HOWELL
(to Harold Hecuba)
What can I do for you?
HAROLD HECUBA
Sir. The key word is "sir." Ess-i-ar.
(snaps fingers)
Remember that!
Harold Hecuba turns and walks into the Howell's closet.
SKIPPER
(sotto)
Mister Howell, a rescue plane is coming to get him and he's gonna take us along, so do what he wants.
Mr. Howell grumbles.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Please.
Mrs. Howell enters their hut. She carries a bouquet of beautiful flowers. Harold Hecuba exits the closet and re-joins the group.
MRS HOWELL
Darling, I found the most beautiful flower.
(to Harold Hecuba)
Hello.
Mrs. Howell is startled to find a stranger in their hut.
MRS HOWELL (cont'd)
I want --
HAROLD HECUBA
No autographs, please.
MR HOWELL
Oh-oh-oh, dear heart, this is Mister Harold Hecuba, the famous film producer and Mister Hecuba, this is my darling wife, Missus Thurston Howell the Third.
MRS HOWELL
How do you do?
Harold Hecuba grabs the flower bouquet from Mrs. Howell and throws it over his shoulder.
HAROLD HECUBA
Do you mind? I'm allergic.
SKIPPER
Mister Hecuba is going to take over your hut for a little while Missus Howell.
MRS HOWELL
(stammering)
Oh, th-th-that's out of the question. What nerve! What gall!
MR HOWELL
Mister Hecuba's gonna help us get off the island, my dear.
MRS HOWELL
Oh. What can I do for you, Mister Hecuba?
HAROLD HECUBA
Well, I'm so glad you asked. While I'm staying here at this island tenement I'm gonna need a butler and a maid, and you two will do very nicely.
MRS HOWELL
(indignantly)
Really!
MR HOWELL
(indignantly)
This is the last straw! Rescue or no rescue, the Howells are servants to no man.
FLIP TO:
INT. HOWELLS HUT - LATER
Mrs. Howell, dressed in traditional maid attire, fans Harold Hecuba. Mr. Howell, dressed in traditional butler attire, carries a small tray with a drinking glass atop. The drinking glass contains a straw and a flower garnish. Harold Hecuba reclines on a chaise lounge chair.
MR HOWELL
Your martini.
HAROLD HECUBA
Ah, so it is. Lovely.
Harold Hecuba takes the drink from Mr. Howell's tray and sips the drink through the straw.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. GIRLS HUT - ESTABLISHING SHOT - NIGHT
INT. SUPPLY HUT - NIGHT
Mary Ann closes the food locker, having removed a seasoning shaker made from a gourd. Ginger tends to a pot on their stove. Mary Ann shakes the gourd to season the food in the pot.
MARY ANN
Impossible. He's absolutely impossible. Why should we be a servant to a self-centered, abusive, overbearing human being?
Ginger picks up a bunch of grapes. Mary Ann samples the food from the pot by sipping from a wooden spoon.
GINGER
Mary Ann, that's the way producers are. I knew one producer in Hollywood for five years and in all that time he only smiled once.
Mary Ann puts down the spoon.
MARY ANN
When was that?
GINGER
The day his yacht sank.
MARY ANN
And he smiled?
GINGER
Well, he just sold it.
Mary Ann is puzzled. She looks at Ginger quizzically and then down at the dish on the stove and back at Ginger.
GINGER (cont'd)
To his mother-in-law.
Mary Ann is still puzzled and looks back at Ginger
GINGER (cont'd)
She couldn't swim.
Outside the hut, Harold Hecuba WHISTLES. Mary Ann grunts in frustration.
MARY ANN
His master's voice.
GINGER
Mary Ann, let me serve him, huh?
FLIP TO:
EXT. SUPPLY HUT - NIGHT
Harold Hecuba sits at a small table outside the girls hut. A red and white checkered tablecloth covers it. A candle sits next to the place setting, including a bamboo drinking glass. A second chair remains empty.
Harold Hecuba opens the matching napkin and places it on his lap. Ginger exits the girls hut. She's dressed as an Italian peasant girl, with a brunette wig, a torn mauve blouse, and a knee-length pleated green skirt. Ginger carries a tray. On the tray sits a small bowl with mixed fruits including grapes.
GINGER
(in Italian)
"Santa lucia, santa lucia."
Ginger thrusts the fruit bowl down on the table. Several grapes spill onto the table.
HAROLD HECUBA
Never mind the floorshow, kid. Get me some water.
Harold Hecuba offers the bamboo drinking glass to Ginger, but she doesn't take it.
GINGER
(Italian accent)
Water? Sure, I bring you water.
Ginger puts her foot up on a chair. Ginger presses closer.
GINGER (cont'd)
(Italian accent)
Eh, what do you care about the poor starving people so long as you stuff yourself with water, eh?
Harold Hecuba pulls back as Ginger presses closer.
HAROLD HECUBA
What?
GINGER
(Italian accent)
You want water. I don't have a dress to my name.
HAROLD HECUBA
What's that you're wearing?
GINGER
(Italian accent)
This?! This is a dress that I share with my four sisters. Only one of us can go out at a time, and you want water!
Harold Hecuba puts the bamboo drinking glass back down on the table.
HAROLD HECUBA
All right, forget the water. Just bring me some bread.
GINGER
(Italian accent)
Bread! Now he wants some bread. Starving in the Piazza de Steve Reeves, and you want-a bread. All right, I get you bread.
Ginger grabs the bamboo drinking glass from the table.
GINGER (cont'd)
(Italian accent)
You stuff your fat face with bread.
(in Italian)
Mamma Mia, Chi è questo stupido?
HAROLD HECUBA
I think I saw this in a picture once.
FLIP TO:
EXT. SUPPLY HUT - LATER
Ginger, wearing a blonde Marilyn Monroe wig and a tight-fitting sky blue dress worthy of Marilyn Monroe herself, backs out of the girls hut carrying a tray with a bamboo glass of water and a plate with bread. Harold Hecuba sits at the table. He eats the fruit from the bowl with a fork. A second chair remains empty.
GINGER
(sultry)
Here you are, Mister Hecuba. Here's your bread and water.
Ginger places the bamboo drinking glass and the plate down on the table. Ginger sits down on the other chair.
HAROLD HECUBA
What do you want, applause?
Harold Hecuba returns to eating the fruit. Ginger lightly strokes Harold Hecuba's ear.
GINGER
(sultry)
I don't know what you want with bread and water as long as I'm around.
HAROLD HECUBA
Please, kid, not while I'm eating, huh?
Ginger gets more aggressive. She touches his face with both hands and draws his face to her direction.
GINGER
(sultry)
You know, once men have tasted my lips, they're never satisfied with bread and water again.
HAROLD HECUBA
Hold it. Now, what's going on here?
GINGER
I just wanted to show you what a versatile actress I am, Mister Hecuba. Couldn't you see me starring in your new movie?
HAROLD HECUBA
Oh, you've got to be kidding. With that phony dialect and that overacting, in a Harold Hecuba production? Like the man said when he backed into the stove, "That's a hot one!"
Harold Hecuba laughs heartily. Humiliated, Ginger gets up from the table and hurries away.
HAROLD HECUBA (cont'd)
(mocking Ginger's Italian accent)
"I bring you bread-a! I bring you bread!"
(laughing)
It's too -- actors. Actors.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. GIRLS HUT - NIGHT
Ginger sits at a table outside of the girls hut and cries. Gilligan and Skipper try to console her.
SKIPPER
Ginger, how can you say that you won't go with us after we're rescued?
Ginger holds back her tears long enough to explain why she's crying.
GINGER
I asked him for a part in his movie and he laughed at me.
Ginger sobs.
GILLIGAN
Maybe it's a comedy.
SKIPPER
Will you stay out of this?
GILLIGAN
Anything you say, H.H.
SKIPPER
Now, Ginger, please, you don't need Mister Hecuba. I mean, you're gonna be returning to an adoring public.
GINGER
No. I'll return to find I'm an unknown, a has-been.
Ginger sobs.
SKIPPER
Ginger, please now, your public hasn't forgotten you.
GILLIGAN
Yeah. Sure, it's just silly. Who can forget your performance as the girl in the--Or was it the sister? Niece?
(to Skipper)
Was it the mother?
GINGER
No. I'm gonna spend the rest of my life alone on this island.
Ginger sobs.
GILLIGAN
I've got it! You were the sympathetic friend.
GINGER
No!
Ginger sobs. Skipper motions to hit Gilligan over the head with his skipper's cap. Gilligan covers his head with his arms. Instead, Skipper hits Gilligan with his skipper's cap in the abdomen.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
EXT. SUPPLY HUT - DAY
Professor, Gilligan, and Skipper sit at a long bamboo table and bamboo stools. On the table sit piles of stoneware dishes and a few bowls.
SKIPPER
Ginger said she won't go back with us even after we're rescued. She will not go back to Hollywood.
PROFESSOR
I'm afraid this is serious. When Hecuba laughed at Ginger's acting she became emotionally disturbed and psychologically maladjusted.
GILLIGAN
Not only that, she's upset.
PROFESSOR
If only Hecuba hadn't laughed at her.
SKIPPER
He's all heart, that guy.
GILLIGAN
He acts the same way with everybody, even Mister Howell.
Mister Howell enters with a tray of drinks in coconut drinking glasses and sets one down next to Gilligan.
SKIPPER
Mister Howell!
PROFESSOR
Why are you serving us?
Mister Howell puts a drink next to Skipper.
MR HOWELL
I don't know! It's become force of habit! What's happened to me? What has happened to me?
Mister Howell exits with the drink for Professor still on the tray.
SKIPPER
Poor Mister Howell's in bad shape. We're gonna have to do something to help him.
GILLIGAN
I don't know. It's pretty nice having a butler.
Gilligan leans over to sip at the straw in his drink, but is interrupted by Skipper.
SKIPPER
Gilligan.
PROFESSOR
Gentlemen, we were discussing Ginger. Now if she refuses to leave the island, we're facing a serious problem.
GILLIGAN
I have an idea.
SKIPPER
Gilligan, we don't need another one of your ideas. We're in enough trouble now.
GILLIGAN
I was thinking, if we put on a musical with Ginger as the star, H.H. would see how great she was.
SKIPPER
That's a great idea, Gilligan, a dumb one.
Gilligan frowns, gets up from the table, and turns toward the wall.
PROFESSOR
Oh, on the contrary, that's a marvelous idea, Gilligan.
Gilligan turns back to the table, smiles, and sits back down.
SKIPPER
But, Professor, when you put on a stage show, you gotta have rehearsals. H.H. has been running our legs off all day long.
GILLIGAN
But he doesn't call us at night.
SKIPPER
Oh, you're really something.
(scoffs)
At night!
Gilligan gets up from the table again and faces the wall.
PROFESSOR
Why not? We could use torches.
Gilligan turns back from the wall and sits down again.
GILLIGAN
Yeah, and we could rehearse in the clearing where he can't hear us.
SKIPPER
But Hecuba puts on musicals. It so happens that we don't have any musicals to put on.
Professor stands and walks over to the small collection of books sitting on a nearby table.
PROFESSOR
The Howells have records and we brought some books. And books are always being made into musicals.
SKIPPER
Say, maybe we could make a musical out of some of those books.
Skipper and Gilligan walk over to the table with the books. They select books and read the titles of some of them.
PROFESSOR
"Four-Masted Schooners I Have Known."
SKIPPER
Oh, that's mine, Professor. How about this one, "Integrated Calculus" by Zimmerman?
PROFESSOR
That's mine.
GILLIGAN
I knew it wasn't mine.
PROFESSOR
How about, "A Million Ways to Make a Million"?
SKIPPER
No, that's Mister Howell's.
GILLIGAN
How about, "Carpenter's Handbook"?
SKIPPER
(sarcastically)
Oh, that would be a great musical, Gilligan.
(mockingly)
"Carpenter's Handbook."
GILLIGAN
Didn't you ever hear a musical saw? You know--
Gilligan imitates the sound of a handsaw being played.
SKIPPER
That's enough.
PROFESSOR
I'm afraid it's a fruitless task, Gilligan.
Gilligan examines one last book title.
GILLIGAN
The only thing left is, "Hamlet" by William Shakespeare.
PROFESSOR
That's it! "Hamlet" is a marvelous play.
SKIPPER
But Hecuba puts on musicals.
GILLIGAN
We could put it to music.
SKIPPER
"Hamlet" to music?
GILLIGAN
Sure, we could call it "Hamlet A-Go-Go."
Gilligan dances like a go-go dancer.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT - NIGHT
EXT. CLEARING - NIGHT
The stage is set. The curtains are made from extra and discarded clothing. At the left of the stage a set of stairs leads to the ground. Nearby sits a makeshift record player with a crank, a captain's wheel for the turntable, and a horn to amplify the sound. On the turntable sits a 78 RPM record. Professor enters the stage through the break in the curtains. He bows deeply.
PROFESSOR
This is the story of a man who could not make up his mind. A tragic tale of love and hate, of remorse and revenge. But enough of me, the play's the thing. And with a roll of the drum and a blare of the trumpet, we present, "Hamlet."
Professor walks off stage, down the stairs, to the record player. He places the needle down on the record and cranks the turntable.
ZOOM TO RECORD PLAYER
as it spins. MUSIC blares from the SPEAKER HORN.
INT. HOWELLS HUT - NIGHT
Harold Hecuba lies back in Mrs. Howell's bed. Harold Hecuba wears pajamas. He awakes to the sound of MUSIC in the distance. He adjusts his glasses and sits up. He listens to the music.
EXT. CLEARING - NIGHT
The curtains open. The stage is sparse. Only a stool and a stage door in the center of the back wall decorate the stage. Professor continues to crank the record player. MUSIC plays. Gilligan/Hamlet enters the stage through the stage door. He walks to the stool and places one foot on top of it.
GILLIGAN/HAMLET
"I ask to be or not to be.
A rogue or peasant slave is what you see.
A boy who loves his mother’s knee,
and so I ask to be or not to be."
INT. HOWELLS HUT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Harold Hecuba pulls back the covers from his bed, grabs a cigar from a cup on the night stand, puts the cigar in his mouth, slides on his slippers, gets out of bed, stands, and puts on a robe. The robe is monogrammed "H.H." over the breast pocket. In the distance, he hears singing.
GILLIGAN/HAMLET (O.S.)
"So here’s my plea, I beg of you,
and say you see a little hope for me."
EXT. CLEARING - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Gilligan, dressed as Hamlet, rests one foot upon the stool.
GILLIGAN/HAMLET
"To fight or flee, to fight or flee,
I ask myself to be or not to be."
Mr. Howell and Mrs. Howell, as Claudius and Gertrude, enter from the stage wings.
MR HOWELL/CLAUDIUS AND MRS HOWELL/GERTRUDE
"He asks to be or not to be.
A rogue and peasant slave is what you see."
MRS HOWELL/GERTRUDE
"My son who loves his mother’s knee ..."
INT. HOWELLS HUT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Harold Hecuba, cigar in mouth, wears robe and slippers. He turns, grabs his hat from the bed's headboard, and turns to exit.
MR HOWELL/CLAUDIUS AND MRS HOWELL/GERTRUDE (O.S.)
"... and so he asks to be or not to be. "
EXT. CLEARING - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Mr. Howell and Mrs. Howell, as Claudius and Gertrude, continue to sing to their son, Hamlet.
MR HOWELL/CLAUDIUS AND MRS HOWELL/GERTRUDE
"Oh hear his plea, we beg of thee,
and say we see, a little hope for he."
GILLIGAN/HAMLET
"To fight or flee, to fight or flee,
I ask myself ..."
ALL
"... to be or not to be."
Mr. Howell and Mrs. Howell exit the stage. Gilligan/Hamlet removes his foot from the stool and moves to center stage. Gilligan/Hamlet cups his ear and leans toward the stage wings.
GILLIGAN/HAMLET
Hark! I do believe I hear the fair Ophelia.
Ginger/Ophelia enters from the wings.
GINGER/OPHELIA
My Lord Hamlet is troubled.
Ginger/Ophelia extends her hand to Gilligan/Hamlet. He briefly takes her hand and then releases it. He looks down.
GILLIGAN/HAMLET
Yeah, verily. My heart is heavy.
(looking at Ginger/Ophelia)
I cannot marry thee, Ophelia.
GINGER/OPHELIA
Oh!
Ginger/Ophelia turns away from him.
GILLIGAN/HAMLET
There is nothing left for you but to get thee to a "notarary."
Gilligan looks puzzled at the line. Ginger grimaces. Gilligan/Hamlet places one foot on the stool.
GINGER/OPHELIA
Ah, my poor Hamlet. Ah, my poor Hamlet.
PROFESSOR
cranks the record player
GINGER/OPHELIA (cont'd)
"Hamlet, dear,
your problem is clear,
avenging thy father’s death.
You seek to harm,
your uncle and mom ..."
HAROLD HECUBA
appears out of the jungle near the stage. He wears his monogrammed robe over his pajamas. Harold Hecuba follows the sound of the music and singing.
GINGER/OPHELIA (O.S.)
"... but you’re scaring me to death. "
BACK TO SCENE
GINGER/OPHELIA
"While I die and sigh and cry,
that love is everything ..."
HAROLD HECUBA
watches from the edge of the jungle.
GINGER/OPHELIA (O.S.)
"... you’re content to try to catch the conscience of a king."
BACK TO SCENE
GINGER/OPHELIA
"Since the date ... "
Ginger spreads her arm and her flowing sleeve obscures Gilligan's face.
GILLIGAN/HAMLET
sticks his head out from beneath Ophelia's flowing sleeve.
BACK TO SCENE
GINGER/OPHELIA (cont'd)
"... when your dad met his fate,
you just brood,
and you don’t touch your food."
HAROLD HECUBA
watches from the edge of the jungle.
GINGER/OPHELIA (O.S.)
"You hate your ma,
mad at my pa."
BACK TO SCENE
GINGER/OPHELIA
"You’ll kill the king,
or some silly thing.
So Hamlet, Hamlet, ..."
GILLIGAN/HAMLET AND GINGER/OPHELIA
GINGER/OPHELIA (cont'd)
"... do be a lamb,
let rotten enough alone."
PROFESSOR
continues to crank the record player.
GINGER/OPHELIA (O.S.)
"From Ophelia,
no one can steal ya,
You’ll always be my own,"
BACK TO SCENE
GINGER/OPHELIA
"Leave the gravedigger’s scene,
if you know what I mean.
Danish pastry for two,
for me, for you."
Ginger/Ophelia smacks Gilligan/Hamlet with her forearm. Gilligan/Hamlet recoils backward before he regains his balance. His foot no longer rests on the stool.
GILLIGAN/HAMLET
In truth, Ophelia, you have said a mouthful.
Ginger as Ophelia forgets her next line.
GINGER/OPHELIA
Oh. Uh --
PROFESSOR
calls out Ginger's line.
PROFESSOR
Hamlet, I have so much more to offer.
BACK TO SCENE
GINGER/OPHELIA
Hamlet, I have so much more to offer. But hark! Methinks me hear the heavy footsteps of my father, Polonius.
GILLIGAN/HAMLET
And the laughter of your brother and my friend, Laertes.
GINGER/OPHELIA
Oh, they must not find us here. But where to hide?
GILLIGAN/HAMLET
Hide anyplace, but don't go near the water.
Ginger/Ophelia nods in agreement. They exit the stage through a stage wing.
HAROLD HECUBA
continues to watch from the jungle edge.
BACK TO SCENE
Mary Ann/Laertes and Skipper/Polonius enter the stage.
MARY ANN/LAERTES
Father, my ship sails at the tide.
SKIPPER/POLONIUS
A moment, my son, for I have something to tell you.
MARY ANN/LAERTES
I ask only for my allowance.
SKIPPER/POLONIUS
Ah, but I shall give you something far more valuable: advice.
MARY ANN/LAERTES
Do you know how much wine you can buy in Paris with advice?
SKIPPER/POLONIUS
Paris is a wild and wicked town. And you are but a young and innocent boy.
MARY ANN/LAERTES
(to audience)
Oh, could I tell him a few stories.
HAROLD HECUBA
continues to watch the musical unfold.
SKIPPER/POLONIUS (O.S.)
Heed my words, Laertes ...
BACK TO SCENE
SKIPPER/POLONIUS
... and you will be safe.
MARY ANN/LAERTES
(aside)
Unless I listen, I won't get my spending money, so I'll listen, I'll listen.
SKIPPER/POLONIUS
"Neither a borrower nor a lender be.
Do not forget: Stay out of debt.
Think twice, and take this good advice from me,"
HAROLD HECUBA
watches from the jungle edge and shakes his head.
SKIPPER/POLONIUS (O.S.)
"Guard that old solvency."
BACK TO SCENE
SKIPPER/POLONIUS
"There’s just one other thing you ought to do.
To thine own self be true."
Mr. Howell/Claudius, Mrs. Howell/Gertrude, Gilligan/Hamlet, and Ginger/Ophelia join Skipper/Polonius, and Mary Ann/Laertes on stage.
ALL
"Neither a borrower nor a lender be.
Do not forget: Stay out of debt.
Think twice, and take this good advice from me:
Guard that old solvency.
There’s just one other thing you ought to do,
to thine own self be true."
The MUSIC stops.
HAROLD HECUBA
makes himself known to the castaways and emerges from the jungle.
HAROLD HECUBA
Quiet!
Harold Hecuba runs to the stairs and onto the stage. The castaways on stage talk with each other.
HAROLD HECUBA (cont'd)
I said quiet! How dare you put on a play without informing Harold Hecuba? From now on, H.H. is in full charge of all rehearsals.
GINGER
You mean you are going to produce our play? The sensational, great, magnificent Mister Hecuba?
HAROLD HECUBA
You left out stupendous. Watch that, baby.
GINGER
Sorry.
HAROLD HECUBA
All right, get ready to rehearse Harold Hecuba's "Hamlet."
GILLIGAN
Don't you mean, "William Shakespeare's 'Hamlet'"?
HAROLD HECUBA
If he was alive today, I'd have him working on a full rewrite. Now look, first --
(claps)
Wait a minute, take five.
(re: robe and pajamas)
The image is all wrong. I'll have to change clothes. Work on it! Work on it!
Harold Hecuba exits the stage, leaving the castaways to discuss their good fortune.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. CLEARING - NIGHT
HAROLD HECUBA
sits in his director's chair. Harold Hecuba wears a beret, aviator pants, mid-calf length boots, and a plaid sport coat. He rests his feet on a small table. He waves his director's cue to the beat of the MUSIC, as if to say "faster, more intense."
ALL
"... cy!
There’s just one other thing you ought to do ..."
HAMLET CAST
sings on stage.
ALL (cont'd)
"... to thine own self be true."
HAROLD HECUBA
blows his whistle and slaps his director's cue against his leg to get the castaway casts' attention.
HAROLD HECUBA
Hold it!
BACK TO SCENE
Harold Hecuba rushes up onto the stage.
HAROLD HECUBA (cont'd)
In all the years I've been around, that is absolutely the worst. You call yourself actors?
GILLIGAN
I don't call myself an actor.
HAROLD HECUBA
Quiet! If I say you're an actor, you're an actor.
GILLIGAN
Okay, I'm an actor.
HAROLD HECUBA
Believe me, you are no actor. We're gonna take it from the top and we're gonna do it right. I'll show you how to do it with pace, tempo!
Harold Hecuba strikes his director's cue against his leg for emphasis. Twice.
HAROLD HECUBA (cont'd)
Up to now, there's really been something rotten in Denmark. I want --
(turns to Gilligan)
Silence!
GILLIGAN
I didn't say anything.
HAROLD HECUBA
If I know you, you will.
Gilligan frowns.
HAROLD HECUBA (cont'd)
All right, turn in your costumes, from this point on, Hecuba will show you how to do this thing right.
Harold Hecuba removes his jacket and looks at Gilligan.
HAROLD HECUBA (cont'd)
Cute.
Gilligan and Ginger exchange glances and shrug.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. CLEARING - NIGHT - LATER
Professor stands near the record turntable. The other castaways sit in the audience for the Harold Hecuba production of "Hamlet." Harold Hecuba emerges between the stage curtains wearing his robe. The castaways applaud.
HAROLD HECUBA
You are about to be privileged to see an original production of "Hamlet" created by Harold Hecuba. Directed by Harold Hecuba. And now, for the first time, demonstrated to you by Harold Hecuba.
MR HOWELL
What a modest, unassuming chap.
Harold Hecuba signals to the Professor to start the music.
HAROLD HECUBA
Overture.
PROFESSOR
cranks the record player to play the MUSIC. The music plays at a moderate tempo.
BACK TO SCENE
The curtains open. Harold Hecuba steps back through the stage door. The camera shakes to simulate a quick-change.
CASTAWAYS
sit in the audience and watch the Harold Hecuba production.
BACK TO SCENE
The camera shake stops and Harold Hecuba as Hamlet emerges from the stage door.
HAROLD HECUBA/HAMLET
"I ask myself to be or not to be."
(directing)
Hold it! Cut! It's dragging. It's laying right in the ground.
PROFESSOR
cranks the turntable faster. The tempo of the MUSIC increases.
HAROLD HECUBA/HAMLET (O.S.)
C'mon. Give me a little tempo. Faster! Faster!
BACK TO SCENE
HAROLD HECUBA/HAMLET
"I ask to be or not to be.
A rogue or peasant slave is what you see.
A boy who loves his mother’s knee,
and so I ask to be or not to be."
Harold Hecuba is impressed with himself and grunts pride and approval.
HAROLD HECUBA/HAMLET (cont'd)
Hark! I hear the fair Ophelia.
Harold Hecuba/Hamlet exits through the stage door. The camera shakes during his quick-change from Hamlet to Ophelia.
CASTAWAYS
sit anxiously in the audience.
BACK TO SCENE
The camera shakes until Harold Hecuba's quick-change ends. Harold Hecuba emerges as Ophelia.
HAROLD HECUBA/OPELIA
(Ophelia's voice)
"Hamlet, dear, your problem is clear,
avenging thy father’s death ... "
PROFESSOR
cranks the record player to keep the tempo up.
HAROLD HECUBA/OPELIA (O.S.)
(Ophelia's voice)
"You seek to harm your uncle and mom ... "
BACK TO SCENE
HAROLD HECUBA/OPELIA
(Ophelia's voice)
"... but you're scaring me to death."
(Harold Hecuba's voice)
Hark!
Harold Hecuba/Ophelia realizes that he used the wrong voice for the character and tries again.
HAROLD HECUBA/OPELIA (cont'd)
(Ophelia's voice)
Hark, it's my father, Polonius.
Harold Hecuba/Ophelia exits through the stage door. The camera shakes for his quick change from Ophelia into Polonius. Harold Hecuba emerges from the stage door as Polonius.
HAROLD HECUBA/POLONIUS
"Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
do not forget: Stay out of debt."
CASTAWAYS
enjoy the musical.
HAROLD HECUBA/POLONIUS (O.S.)
"Think twice and take this good advice from me,"
PROFESSOR
cranks the record player.
HAROLD HECUBA/POLONIUS (O.S.) (cont'd)
"Guard that old solvency."
BACK TO SCENE
HAROLD HECUBA/POLONIUS
"There’s just one other thing you ought to do:
to thine own self be true."
CASTAWAYS
in the audience.
GINGER
Oh, I just think he's wonderful.
GILLIGAN
I think he's twins.
BACK TO SCENE
HAROLD HECUBA/POLONIUS
Hark, the king approaches.
Harold Hecuba/Polonius exits the stage door. The camera shakes during his quick-change from Polonius to Claudius. He emerges from the stage door as Claudius.
HAROLD HECUBA/CLAUDIUS
As king of the realm --
Harold Hecuba collapses on the stage, exhausted. His glasses fall off.
CASTAWAYS
in the audience look on, but don't get up to help him.
BACK TO SCENE
Harold Hecuba lifts his head and puts his glasses back on.
HAROLD HECUBA/POLONIUS
Good night, sweet prince.
Harold Hecuba puts his head back down onto the stage.
CASTAWAYS
applaud.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - DAY
ESTABLISHING SHOT OF BEACH
EXT. CAMP - DAY
Gilligan and Skipper walk across camp from the boys hut to the Howells hut looking for Harold Hecuba.
SKIPPER
Stop that and make sense, will you?
GILLIGAN
He's gone, gone. Mister Hecuba's gone.
SKIPPER
But that's impossible.
GILLIGAN
I knocked on his door and nobody answered.
SKIPPER
Oh, Gilligan. Well, he might be sound asleep. After all, he gave quite a performance last night.
GILLIGAN
Yeah.
SKIPPER
I'll see.
Skipper knocks on the door frame.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Mister Hecuba? Mister Hecuba, are you awake?
Skipper opens the door and peeks in.
INT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY - CONTINUOUS
Skipper opens the door further and peers into the Howell/Hecuba hut. Skipper looks around and enters. Gilligan follows him in.
SKIPPER
Mister Hecuba?
Gilligan notices a note lying on Mrs. Howell's bed.
GILLIGAN
Skipper, there's a note.
Skipper picks up the note and reads it aloud.
SKIPPER
"Friends, the rescue boat came during the night and I didn't want to disturb your sleep."
GILLIGAN
(irritated)
" -- didn't want to disturb your sleep"?
SKIPPER
Will you keep quiet?
Skipper continues reading the note.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
"Good luck and keep well. Cordially, Harold Hecuba, Harold Hecuba Productions."
GILLIGAN
He left us. He left us behind!
Professor enters quietly behind them carrying the radio.
SKIPPER
Oh, but I'm sure he'll be coming back. I mean, he has no reason for leaving us.
PROFESSOR
Oh, yes he has. Listen to this reason.
Professor turns on the radio.
RADIO ANNOUNCER
And now a repeat of the marvelous news. Harold Hecuba has been rescued and with a bigger and better future. He announced that his next production will be a musical version of "Hamlet," the greatest idea he ever had. Who but Harold Hecuba could think of an idea as brilliant as that?
GILLIGAN
Us, that's who.
Gilligan walks over to the Howell's dresser.
SKIPPER
But, I can't believe that he'd leave us here.
Gilligan picks up the newspaper lying on the dresser.
PROFESSOR
Well, he has.
Gilligan sits down on the dresser and reads the newspaper. He adjusts his hat so it sits on his head to one side, like a fedora.
SKIPPER
But how could he do a thing like that? I mean, just because he made a movie he's gonna leave us?
Gilligan opens the newspaper to reveal the newspaper is "Show Biz."
SKIPPER (cont'd)
I mean he's gonna desert us because of a movie he made with --
Skipper notices Gilligan sitting on the dresser and reading the newspaper.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Gilligan, what's the matter with you? Why aren't you upset?
GILLIGAN
Well, that's show biz.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO
TAG
FADE IN:
INT. BOYS HUT - NIGHT
Gilligan and Skipper lay in their respective hammocks. Skipper tries to sleep. His cap is pulled down over his face. Gilligan softly sings his Hamlet part.
GILLIGAN
(softly)
"I ask to be or not to be.
That is the question that I ask of me."
Skipper pulls his cap up opens his eyes.
SKIPPER
Gilligan, will you cut that out? I'm trying to get some sleep.
Gilligan sings even more quietly.
GILLIGAN
(quietly)
"I ask to be or not to be.
That is the question that I ask of me."
SKIPPER
(angrily)
Gilligan, cut that out!
GILLIGAN
(whispers)
"I ask to be or not to be.
That is the question that I ask
-- "
Skipper pulls down the edge of Gilligan's hammock, causing the hammock to flip. Gilligan tumbles to the ground.
SKIPPER
"And that is the answer that you get from me."
FADE OUT.
THE END