Beautiful socialite Erika Tiffany-Smith arrives and wants to buy the island to build a resort for the ultra-rich. The Skipper falls for her, but she only has eyes for The Professor whom Ginger gives kissing lessons.
“Erika Tiffany-Smith to the Rescue”
By
David P. Harmon
December 30, 1965
FADE IN:
EXT. LAGOON - DAY
MOTORBOAT
drives into the lagoon from the inlet. Aboard are two people: a woman elegantly dressed in pink, Erika Tiffany-Smith, and a man piloting the boat, Johnny.
ANGLE BEHIND THE PASSENGERS
Johnny pilots the boat to the lagoon shore. Johnny points to a landing spot and looks at Erika Tiffany-Smith. She nods.
EXT. LAGOON SHORE - DAY
The boat slides onto the sand.
ANGLE BEHIND THE PASSENGERS
Johnny turns off the motor and climbs between the pilot and passenger consoles to exit through the windshield gap at the front of the boat. He grabs a coil of rope and steps onto the deck. Johnny jumps over the railing onto the sand. He pulls the coil of rope taut.
JOHNNY
ties the rope to a large log at the edge of the water. He walks back to the boat. Erika Tiffany-Smith steps out and offers her hand to Johnny. Johnny walks over to her, grasps her hips, and lifts her gently. She kicks up her heels to avoid the railing. Johnny gently sets her down on the sand. She grasps his biceps and looks him in the eyes.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Oh, yes.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH OVER JOHNNY'S SHOULDER
She looks at him admiringly.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH (cont'd)
I must have you promoted.
JOHNNY
Are you sure you don't want me to go along with you?
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Thank you, Johnny. I know exactly what I'm looking for.
JOHNNY OVER ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH'S SHOULDER
JOHNNY
Well, I'd feel a lot better if I was along.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Oh no, Johnny. I can take care of myself. You just pick me up at six bells or whatever you sailors call "cocktail hour."
BACK TO SCENE
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH (cont'd)
Okay?
Johnny salutes.
JOHNNY
Yes, ma'am.
Johnny unties the boat. Erika Tiffany-Smith heads into the jungle.
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
Erika Tiffany-Smith wanders the jungle, looking up at the trees. Skipper approaches dragging a log. Erika backs into Skipper.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Ow!
She turns and looks at him.
SKIPPER
Pardon me, I couldn't--
Skipper stares at her with his mouth agape. He removes his cap to show respect. They circle each other.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
This is what I like on a deserted island: Coconuts, palm trees, and instant man.
Skipper smiles and laughs with her.
FADE OUT
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
EXT. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY
EXT. JUNGLE - LATER
SKIPPER
completes his castaway marooned story.
PULL BACK TO ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH AND SKIPPER
SKIPPER
And that's how we got marooned on the island.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
What a perfectly terrible story.
SKIPPER
Oh, but it ends happily, because you see the seven of us have managed to survive.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
All men?
SKIPPER
Well no, there are three women.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Oh I thought you said it ended happily.
Gilligan enters from the jungle.
SKIPPER
No, but now with you and your yacht here, we're gonna be rescued. I just can't get over it.
GILLIGAN
Hi, Skipper.
Gilligan walks around Skipper.
SKIPPER
Hi, Gilligan.
Gilligan turns to Erika Tiffany-Smith.
GILLIGAN
Hi, lady.
(realizes; stops)
Hi lady? Hi lady.
Gilligan turns around and looks at Erika Tiffany-Smith. Gilligan reaches out and shakes her hand and continues shaking it.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Are you sure he survived?
SKIPPER
Gilligan, will you stop that?
Skipper reaches out to stop Gilligan shaking her hand.
GILLIGAN
How did she get here?
SKIPPER
Well, her yacht is anchored two miles offshore. Gilligan, will you stop shaking her hand?
Skipper reaches out again to stop Gilligan shaking her hand. Gilligan stops shaking her hand. Erika Tiffany-Smith shakes her own hand to relieve the discomfort.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
His mother must have been frightened by a cocktail shaker.
GILLIGAN
GILLIGAN
Did you come here to rescue us?
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH AND SKIPPER
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Actually I'm here to look for a deserted island to build a resort hotel.
SKIPPER
Gilligan, this is the world famous, the world famous, Erika Tiffany-Smith.
GILLIGAN
GILLIGAN
Wow, three names.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH AND SKIPPER
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Much more. My name is Lady Erika Tiffany, the Countess of Capri, the Baroness of Blenford, and the Duchess of Devonshire and Smith.
GILLIGAN
GILLIGAN
Your parents must have wanted a big family.
BACK TO SCENE
SKIPPER
Please let's not waste time talking, we've got to tell the others about Missus Tiffany-Smith and her yacht.
GILLIGAN
Oh, they'll be so happy.
Gilligan crosses behind them.
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
Let's go Skipper.
Gilligan places his arms around their shoulders and tries to push them toward camp.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Oh, Mister Gilligan, you just run along. The Captain and I will follow closely.
Erika Tiffany-Smith places her hand on Skipper's forearm.
SKIPPER
Delighted.
Gilligan presses between them.
GILLIGAN
Sure.
He and walks two paces, stops, and turns. Gilligan feels her forearm.
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
Yeah, you're for real.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Thank you Gilligan.
Erika Tiffany-Smith reaches out and presses her index finger to Gilligan's face and nose.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH (cont'd)
I can see you're for real too.
They laugh. Gilligan turns and exits.
SKIPPER
My fair lady.
Skipper extends his forearm for her to take. She does. Skipper places his hand over hers
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Thank you.
They exit.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. CAMP - DAY
Gilligan tells Mrs. Howell, Mr. Howell and Professor of the arrival of Erika Tiffany-Smith.
GILLIGAN
And she's got diamonds and pearls and she's got her own yacht and she's coming here with the Skipper and she's going to buy the island.
Mr. Howell touches Gilligan's forehead and then nose.
MR HOWELL
Doesn't seem to have a fever and his little nose is cold.
PROFESSOR
You haven't seen another low flying seagull have you?
MRS HOWELL
Or a pink whale?
GILLIGAN
No, it's a real lady, Missus Howell, and her name is Erika Tiffany-Smith.
MR HOWELL
Erika Tiffany-Smith!
MRS. HOWELL AND MR. HOWELL
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Did you hear that, Lovey? Erika Tiffany-Smith!
MRS HOWELL
Thurston, we just can't be rescued by her. I resented that Smith woman ever since her name appeared before ours in the social register.
MR HOWELL
But she was engaged to the head of the committee, don't you remember?
MRS HOWELL
Well, I think it's disgraceful to use pull on the head of the committee. I've a good mind to cut him out of our will.
BACK TO SCENE
GILLIGAN
I'll go tell the girls.
PROFESSOR
Now wait, Ginger's taking a sun bath in the palm grove. You tell her and I'll tell Mary Ann.
GILLIGAN
Right.
Gilligan and Professor exit.
MRS HOWELL
Thurston I decided to be friendly but firm. Cordial but cool. Passive but polite.
MR HOWELL
But remember, she's terribly rich.
MRS HOWELL
Oh yes, I know that dear. But it's such new money. Why the ink is scarcely dry! You know how fa--
(sees Erika)
Darling!
Mrs. Howell walks over to meet Erika Tiffany-Smith as she enters camp. Skipper enters behind her.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Lovey, darling!
They embrace and smile at each other.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH (cont'd)
You're looking wonderful. Life has certainly been kind to you--over the years.
Mrs. Howell drops her smile.
MRS HOWELL
Thank you, Erika dear. I always say lovely things about you, too. No matter what anybody else says.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
How sweet.
Erika Tiffany-Smith reaches out to Mr. Howell.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH (cont'd)
Oh, if it isn't Thurston Howell the Third, the Wolf of Wall Street.
Mr. Howell takes her extended hand.
MR HOWELL
I thought I'd been forgotten.
He kisses her hand.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Skipper, they're very good friends.
SKIPPER
(to Mr. Howell)
Yes, certainly.
(to Erika Tiffany-Smith)
May I get you a fan?
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Thank you, Captain.
Skipper exits.
MRS HOWELL
Oh, to think of the thousands of friends that we have and that you're the one to come to our rescue.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
I assure you, darling, it's purely accidental.
Skipper returns with a fan.
SKIPPER
Here's your fan.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Thank you, Admiral.
Erika Tiffany-Smith fans herself.
SKIPPER
May I get you some cold well water?
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Yes, thank you.
Skipper exits.
MR HOWELL
Gilligan says that you're thinking of buying our little island paradise.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Well, only if I love it.
MRS HOWELL
Oh, Thurston, I do believe I'm going to have one of my fainting spells.
MR HOWELL
Darling, perhaps you'd better lie down.
MRS HOWELL
If you'll excuse me.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
I always have.
Mrs. Howell exits. Mr. Howell takes Erika Tiffany-Smith to the dining table.
MR HOWELL
Now we're going to expend every effort to make you remember your little stay on our island. And your every wish is our desire.
She sits down at the table.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Sir, why don't you try the direct approach?
Mr. Howell sits down next to her.
MR HOWELL
What exactly do you mean?
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Well, I would like to know with whom do I deal to buy the sand pile.
MR HOWELL
Well, it just so happens that ...
MR. HOWELL OVER ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH'S SHOULDER
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
... I handle all the financial transaction on this little island.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH OVER MR. HOWELL'S SHOULDER
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Good, then like one pirate to the other, I would like to build a resort hotel here. If the price is right.
MR. HOWELL OVER ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH'S SHOULDER
MR HOWELL
Well that's a minor detail but you've picked the right island. Easily accessible to the mainland, right in the middle of the shipping lanes. And we have to put up camouflage nets to keep the jets ...
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH OVER MR. HOWELL'S SHOULDER
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
... from landing.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Come on, darling. You know that this island is so remote it never even appeared on Twilight Zone.
MR. HOWELL OVER ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH'S SHOULDER
MR HOWELL
Oh, you noticed didn't you?
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH OVER MR. HOWELL'S SHOULDER
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
See, I want to build a hotel for the people are so rich that they don't even have names.
BACK TO SCENE
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH (cont'd)
Only numbers in the Swiss bank.
MR HOWELL
My dear, a spa for the filthy rich.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Let's just call them "rich." Their personal habits don't interest me.
Mr. Howell pats her hand.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH OVER MR. HOWELL'S SHOULDER
Erika Tiffany-Smith notices Professor entering.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH (cont'd)
Well, what is that?
FOLLOW PROFESSOR AND MARY ANN
as they walk around the edge of the hut. They walk over to Mr. Howell and Erika Tiffany-Smith. Mr. Howell stands to greet them.
MR HOWELL
These are inmates on the island. This is Mary Ann Saunders.
Erika Tiffany-Smith rises. Mary Ann corrects him.
MARY ANN
Summers.
MR HOWELL
Summers, and this is Professor Huntley.
PROFESSOR
Hinkley.
MR HOWELL
Brinkley.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
What beautiful deep set eyes.
PROFESSOR AND MARY ANN
MARY ANN
Oh, it's so wonderful to meet you, Missus Tiffany Smith.
MR HOWELL AND ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
That firm chin.
PROFESSOR AND MARY ANN
MARY ANN
I've read all about you.
MR HOWELL AND ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Those broad shoulders.
PROFESSOR AND MARY ANN
PROFESSOR
Missus Tiffany-Smith, you don't know what a pleasure this is.
BACK TO SCENE
Erika Tiffany-Smith crosses to Professor and takes him by the arm.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
I certainly intend to find out.
Professor and Erika Tiffany-Smith exit arm in arm.
MARY ANN
Mister Howell, I don't even think she saw me.
MR HOWELL
Of course not, she has something in her eye. A man.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. PALM GROVE - DAY
Gilligan walks through the jungle. An animal print bathing suit lies atop one of the plants.
GILLIGAN
Ginger! Ginger! Gin--!
Gilligan notices the bathing suit. He places his hand over his eyes. Ginger enters.
GINGER
What's wrong, Gilligan?
GILLIGAN
Oh, Professor said you were taking a sun bath.
GINGER
So, you can open your eyes.
GILLIGAN
Oh no, no sirree.
GINGER
Open one.
Ginger gently uses her finger to pry Gilligan's finger's apart.
GILLIGAN
No, no. No, it--
Ginger successfully pries Gilligan's fingers apart. He glances down to see that she is wearing a leopard print dress. Gilligan removes his hand from his face.
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
Hey, Ginger, we're going to be rescued.
Ginger feels Gilligan's forehead with her hand.
GINGER
Do you have a fever?
GILLIGAN
No, I didn't see a pink whale or a seagull. It's Erika Tiffany-Smith.
GINGER
Erika Tiffany-Smith?
GILLIGAN
Yeah, she owns a bunch of hotels and she's got a yacht.
GINGER
Oh!
Ginger turns and exits into the jungle.
GILLIGAN
And she, and she--I guess she knows her, too.
Gilligan turns and follows Ginger.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
Ginger enters and sees Skipper sitting on a boulder.
GINGER
Skipper, haven't you heard the good news?
SKIPPER
I heard.
GINGER
We're being rescued by Missus Erika Tiffany-Smith.
SKIPPER
I know Ginger.
GINGER
Well, gee whiz, I've read all about her, you know.
GINGER
GINGER (cont'd)
She owns a diamond mine and she owns a movie studio in Rome. And she owns a railroad ...
SKIPPER
GINGER (O.S.)
... and she owns a movie studio in London.
GINGER
GINGER
And she owns, oh, a dozen newspapers and a movie studio in Hollywood.
SKIPPER
SKIPPER
Ginger, I know all that. But all of that is unimportant to me.
GINGER
GINGER
Even the movie studios?
BACK TO SCENE
SKIPPER
Ginger, I've got a problem. I've got a real problem.
(stands)
You're a girl, right?
GINGER OVER SKIPPER'S SHOULDER
GINGER
Well, if you're not sure about that, you have got a problem.
SKIPPER OVER GINGER'S SHOULDER
SKIPPER
No, what I mean is, Ginger, I need some advice. How can I get a beautiful, fabulous woman like Missus Tiffany-Smith, to like an ordinary sailor like myself?
GINGER
Oh, well, ...
GINGER OVER SKIPPER'S SHOULDER
GINGER (cont'd)
... do all the right things.
SKIPPER
Oh, but what can I do? I mean, I've taken her for a walk, I got her a chair, I got her a fan.
SKIPPER OVER GINGER'S SHOULDER
SKIPPER (cont'd)
I got her some cold water, I got her a fan. I mean, how am I doing so far?
GINGER OVER SKIPPER'S SHOULDER
GINGER
Perfect, if you want a job as her butler.
SKIPPER OVER GINGER'S SHOULDER
SKIPPER
Oh, exactly. You mean I'm striking out.
They reverse positions as Skipper walks around her.
GINGER
Well, you're not even up at bat.
SKIPPER
What can I do, Ginger?
GINGER
Well, you have to be more romantic. I mean, a woman like that, you have to treat gently.
SKIPPER OVER GINGER'S SHOULDER
GINGER (cont'd)
You know, poetry and things.
SKIPPER
Poetry?
GINGER
Sure, Napoleon used it on Joséphine.
GINGER OVER SKIPPER'S SHOULDER
GINGER (cont'd)
And Romeo used it on Juliet. Stanley used it on Marcia.
SKIPPER OVER GINGER'S SHOULDER
SKIPPER
¨Stanley used it on Marcia¨? Who are Stanley and Marcia?
GINGER OVER SKIPPER'S SHOULDER
GINGER
Oh, they're the cutest couple. They live next door to me in Hollywood. You really should use it.
SKIPPER
Okay, Ginger, I will. And thanks.
GINGER
Okay, I have to go now. I want to fix my hair and my dress and everything.
SKIPPER
Why?
GINGER
Well, she owns a movie studio in Rome. A movie studio in London, a movie studio in Hollywood.
Ginger winks at Skipper and exits. Skipper turns and waves good-bye as Ginger exits.
SKIPPER
Poetry, huh?
Skipper looks around to see whether anyone is nearby. He kneels down on one knee and practices his serenade. Skipper removes his cap.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Oh, Missus Tiffany-Smith. You're such a beautiful woman. You remind me of a poem:
"The boy stood on the burning deck
His feet were filled with blisters"
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. JUNGLE - ELSEWHERE - DAY
Professor plucks a flower and brings it to Erika Tiffany-Smith. He beams. Her dress has dozens of blossoms attached to it. She accepts the flowers.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
I thought all professors wore glasses.
PROFESSOR
Oh, not at all. My eyes are emmetropic and completely refractable.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
From here, they look blue.
PROFESSOR
Missus Tiffany-Smith, I must confess, that in the short time I've known you I find your personality overwhelming.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Professor, you are wonderful with words. But there's something to be said for action, too.
PROFESSOR
Well, I'm afraid I'm accustomed to the academic life. It's not often that I meet such a sophisticated woman.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH OVER PROFESSOR'S SHOULDER
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Come on, Professor. A sophisticated woman is only a schoolgirl without her braces.
PROFESSOR OVER ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH'S SHOULDER
PROFESSOR
Oh, Missus Tiffany-Smith, that's terribly witty. An epigram worthy of Wilde.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH OVER PROFESSOR'S SHOULDER
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
You know, Professor, I never met anyone like you. You fascinate me.
PROFESSOR
I?
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
"Fascinate I"?
BACK TO SCENE
PROFESSOR
Oh, oh, no, no, no, "me." "Me" is perfectly correct. No, I'm merely surprised that I fascinate you. Surely you've met all types of men.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
But never anyone like you. Tell me, what are your plans when we go back to the United States?
PROFESSOR
Well, Missus Tiffany-Smith--
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Darling, please call me, Erika.
PROFESSOR OVER ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH'S SHOULDER
PROFESSOR
Certainly, Miss--I mean, Erika. You see, there is something I have in mind. Something I should like to ask you but I find it terribly difficult to be emotional.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH OVER PROFESSOR'S SHOULDER
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Even with me? What's the difference as long as we understand each other?
PROFESSOR OVER ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH'S SHOULDER
PROFESSOR
Exactly. Now, you see, I am terribly interested in doing research work.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH OVER PROFESSOR'S SHOULDER
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
So am I.
PROFESSOR
Wonderful.
PROFESSOR OVER ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH'S SHOULDER
PROFESSOR (cont'd)
Oh, it has always been my dream to have someone by my side. Someone who was interested in what I was doing.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH OVER PROFESSOR'S SHOULDER
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Professor, meet your dream.
PROFESSOR
You mean--
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Of course.
PROFESSOR OVER ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH'S SHOULDER
PROFESSOR
Oh, so much has happened to me today, I don't know what to say or what to do.
BACK TO SCENE
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
You'll think of something. And if you don't, I will.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. LAGOON SHORE - DAY
Gilligan walks down the bank of the lagoon toward the water. Professor, lost in thought, leans against a large log.
GILLIGAN
Hi, Professor.
PROFESSOR
Oh, I'm sorry, Gilligan. I'm afraid I've been indulging in a bit of reverie.
GILLIGAN
That's funny, I could have sworn you were just sitting there thinking.
PROFESSOR
Missus Tiffany-Smith, for reasons which I can't explain, has taken a fancy to me. She's consented to work with me. Side by side, hand in hand, toe to toe.
GILLIGAN
Sounds more like you're going to have a sack race together.
PROFESSOR
Together we shall burst through the wall of ignorance and discover one of the most important things in life.
GILLIGAN
What's that?
PROFESSOR
The mating cycle of the angleworm. Terribly important.
GILLIGAN
Yeah, it must be, especially to the angleworm.
PROFESSOR
You know, I believe she'd assist me in building a laboratory. She's been hinting at it, but I'm not sure.
GILLIGAN
Why don't you ask her?
PROFESSOR
Gilligan, beneath that bumbling and stumbling exterior you have a mind which moves swiftly and directly to the point. Thank you.
Professor grasps Gilligan's arm.
GILLIGAN
Well, that's okay, Professor. If you've got any problems, I'll be happy to help.
FLIP TO:
EXT. HOWELL HUT - DAY
Mr. Howell and Erika Tiffany-Smith walk enter around the edge of the Howell's hut.
MR HOWELL
A little tour of our island paradise I think will convince you of its merits, my dear.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Thank you, but I already found what I want.
MR HOWELL
We'll have a few moments of chit-chat and we can agree upon the price.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
I think whatever it will be cost, it will be worth it.
Professor enters.
PROFESSOR
Erika, there is something I should like to ask you.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH AND PROFESSOR
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
The answer is yes.
PROFESSOR
Knowing that I'm just a Professor, and that you're one of the most famous women in the world.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Congratulate us, Thurston. I accepted the Professor.
MR. HOWELL
MR HOWELL
Well, congratulations, my boy. You've won the Noble Prize. Or is it the Nobel ...
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH AND PROFESSOR
MR HOWELL (O.S.)
... Prize that you chaps win?
PROFESSOR
I have?
MR HOWELL (O.S.)
She may give you Yale as a wedding present.
MR. HOWELL
MR HOWELL
However, hold out for dear old Harvard.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH AND PROFESSOR
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
If he wants to, he can have a match set.
PROFESSOR
I'm afraid I'm a bit bewildered.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Don't worry, darling. I un-bewilder you.
BACK TO SCENE
MR HOWELL
(to Erika)
Best wishes, Erika.
(shakes Professor's hand)
Congratulations, old man, be good to her.
Erika Tiffany-Smith takes Professor's arm.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Come on, darling, come.
Erika Tiffany-Smith and Professor exit. Mr. Howell appears troubled.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
INT./EXT. SUPPLY HUT - DAY
Professor hops on his right foot as he tries to get a shoe on his left foot. Mary Ann appears at the door, opens it, and enters.
MARY ANN
Hi, Professor.
PROFESSOR
Oh, hi, Ginger.
MARY ANN
I'm Mary Ann.
Professor places his left foot on the chair.
PROFESSOR
Oh, of course. I don't know what I'm doing or what I'm saying.
MARY ANN
You put your right shoe on your left foot.
Mary Ann places her hands on her hips.
PROFESSOR'S LEFT FOOT
wears his right shoe.
BACK TO SCENE
PROFESSOR
Oh, dear. Oh, so much has happened to me so fast that I find it incomprehensible.
Professor sits down on the chair.
MARY ANN
Well, it's really very simple, Professor. You and Erika Tiffany- Smith are gonna get married and live happily ever after.
PROFESSOR
I hope so. You know, hers is a world of high society and gay resorts and mine is one of work, work, work. The question is: which world will we live in?
MARY ANN
Gee, it would be nice if you both lived in the same one.
Mary Ann smiles, pats Professor on the shoulder, turns and exits.
FLIP TO:
EXT. CAMP - DAY
Skipper and Gilligan enter. Erika Tiffany-Smith and Mr. Howell see them. Skipper turns away from her.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH AND MR. HOWELL
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
The Captain seems upset.
MR HOWELL
Well, Erika, in the game of love, some must win and some must lose.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Yes, but they still deserve something for entering the race.
MR HOWELL
Perhaps a silver loving cup inscribed, "Good show, old man."
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Now, I have a much better idea.
Erika Tiffany-Smith walks over to Skipper. She taps him on the shoulder.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH (cont'd)
Admiral, ...
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH (cont'd)
... how would you like to be the captain of my yacht?
SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN
SKIPPER
Captain of that beautiful yacht of yours? Oh, say, that's very nice of you.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
It will be a novelty to a real sailor.
SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN
SKIPPER
May I ask a big favor?
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Of course, granting favors is one of my favorite indoor sports.
SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN
SKIPPER
Could I sign my little buddy here on as first mate?
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Him?
SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN
SKIPPER
Well, don't let looks deceive you. I mean, really, he's got the heart of a lion, the fierceness of a tiger, and the loyalty of a bulldog.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
All right, put a leash around him ...
SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH (O.S.)
... and bring him aboard.
GILLIGAN
Skipper, you're a real pal.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Now, I'm going to have my love show me around the island.
(salutes)
Goodbye, you guys.
She turns and exits.
SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN
Skipper salutes back to her.
SKIPPER
Bye.
GILLIGAN
Hey, Skipper, imagine that, being captain of that big yacht. That's really something.
SKIPPER
Oh, I'll be the best Skipper she ever had. I'd do anything for that woman.
GILLIGAN
I'm glad to hear you say that.
SKIPPER
Why?
GILLIGAN
Because as captain, your first duty will be to marry them.
SKIPPER
Did you have to bring that--? Did you have to, huh?
(mutters)
Marry them.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
Professor and Erika Tiffany-Smith walk through the jungle. Professor guides her with his hand on the small of her back.
PROFESSOR
You know, some men may have grown despondent over being marooned on a desert island. But I have found it rewarding.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
I found it rewarding, too.
They stop walking.
PROFESSOR
I'll never forget my first week here. Do you know that I discovered five different mutations of ragweed?
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
As long as we discovered each other.
(takes Professor's hand)
Oh, you have such strong hands.
PROFESSOR OVER ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH'S SHOULDER
PROFESSOR
Well, that's because I do a good deal of writing. Why, I spend three hours a day just cataloging the flora and the fauna.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH OVER PROFESSOR'S SHOULDER
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
The moonlit nights must be beautiful here.
PROFESSOR
Oh, that's true. Sometimes the stars are so clear you can count the Trianguli Australis ...
BACK TO SCENE
PROFESSOR (cont'd)
... and the Corona Borealis.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
A moonlit swim under the desert sky with a warm wind blowing through the palm trees.
PROFESSOR OVER ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH'S SHOULDER
PROFESSOR
Erika, how wonderful. Do you know you're the first woman I ever met who showed an interest in palm trees?
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Did I?
PROFESSOR
Look at that tree over there. It's a Pomaceous Indignateous Cunicus. Very rare species with a very interesting fruit.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH OVER PROFESSOR'S SHOULDER
Erika Tiffany-Smith looks at Professor in a my-message-isn't-getting-through way. She's lost interest in him.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
I wonder if Adam and Eve started this way.
She looks down, disappointed.
PROFESSOR
And look, ...
TURTLE
crawls along the ground.
PROFESSOR (O.S.)
... have you ever seen a more perfect example of the ...
BACK TO SCENE
PROFESSOR
... Tartarocus or common turtle? Isn't that exciting?
She's become bored with Professor.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
I suppose it's very exciting--
(beat)
--to another turtle.
PROFESSOR
Yes, yes, I suppose it is.
She rolls her eyes and they exit.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. GIRLS HUT - DAY
ginger sits at her vanity and sprays perfume on herself. A KNOCK at the door. Ginger stands, turns, and positions herself for Erika Tiffany-Smith.
GINGER
Come in.
Professor opens the door. Ginger turns and looks at him.
GINGER (cont'd)
Oh, it's you.
Ginger sits back down at the vanity.
PROFESSOR
That, Ginger, is exactly the type of reaction I seem to be getting from women.
GINGER
Well, I thought that you and Missus Tiffany-Smith were engaged to be married.
Professor walks to the other side of Ginger.
PROFESSOR
Well, the more time I spend with her, the farther away from me she seems to be drifting.
GINGER
What have you been doing?
Ginger looks in a hand mirror and applies mascara.
PROFESSOR
Showing her the island, pointing out the various jungle growths, discussing microbiology. Why, do you know that I was fortunate enough to come across a Gigantius Rosinius and she wasn't the least bit impressed?
GINGER OVER PROFESSOR'S SHOULDER
GINGER
Professor, when you were in your teens, didn't you ever go to a drive-in movie?
PROFESSOR OVER GINGER'S SHOULDER
PROFESSOR
Once. But the curvature of the screen and the fidelity of the sound made it impossible to enjoy the picture.
GINGER
Let me start again.
BACK TO SCENE
GINGER (cont'd)
In your hometown, didn't you ever meet a girl whose house had a porch swing?
PROFESSOR
As a matter of fact, I did. Oh, but she was quite impossible. I tried to start intelligent conversations, but all she was interested in was hugging and kissing, kissing and hugging.
Professor sits on the edge of a nearby table.
GINGER
Professor, don't knock it till you've tried it.
PROFESSOR
Well, if that's the way to win Erika, then I'm afraid I haven't got a chance. I don't even know the first thing about it.
Ginger stands.
GINGER
Professor, school is now open.
PROFESSOR
School?
GINGER OVER PROFESSOR'S SHOULDER
GINGER
You've come to the right teacher. Want a lesson?
PROFESSOR OVER GINGER'S SHOULDER
PROFESSOR
Well, perhaps that would be advisable.
BACK TO SCENE
Ginger motions for Professor to stand. Professor stands.
GINGER
Up. Put your arms around me.
Professor puts his right hand on Ginger's hip and his left hand on her right arm.
GINGER (cont'd)
What's it going to be? Two out of three falls?
PROFESSOR OVER GINGER'S SHOULDER
PROFESSOR
I'm afraid I don't understand.
GINGER OVER PROFESSOR'S SHOULDER
GINGER
Well, put your both arms around me.
BACK TO SCENE
PROFESSOR
Oh.
Professor repositions himself with his left arm around her waist and this right hand under her shoulder blade.
GINGER
You can hold me a little tighter, I won't break.
PROFESSOR
Well, I don't want to crush your dress.
GINGER
Try.
Professor holds her tighter.
GINGER (cont'd)
Now kiss me.
Professor kisses her on the cheek.
GINGER (cont'd)
On the lips, Professor.
PROFESSOR
On both of them? At once?
GINGER
The only way to fly.
Professor licks his lips to wet them and kisses Ginger stiffly. He breaks the kiss.
PROFESSOR
(smugly)
How was that?
GINGER
(matter-of-factly)
That wouldn't even satisfy your mother.
Professor releases his grip on her and sits back down on the edge of the table.
GINGER (cont'd)
Professor, I don't know if you're ready for this, but it's for your own good.
Ginger puts her arms around Professor and tips him backward. She kisses him strongly.
PROFESSOR OVER GINGER'S SHOULDER
They kiss with a made-for-TV passion.
GINGER OVER PROFESSOR'S SHOULDER
GINGER (cont'd)
That, Professor, is what Missus Tiffany-Smith wants. What do you think?
PROFESSOR OVER GINGER'S SHOULDER
PROFESSOR
Interesting, Ginger. But how am I going to get her to get me into this position?
GINGER OVER PROFESSOR'S SHOULDER
Ginger shakes her head.
FLIP TO:
EXT. SUPPLY HUT - DAY
Mr. Howell and Erika Tiffany-Smith sit at the dining table and enjoy drinks from bamboo glasses.
MR HOWELL
Let's get down to business, shall we?
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
You're right, darling, fun and game time is over.
MR HOWELL
With a little diligent work and a few measly million dollars, you could turn this island into a playground par excellence with golf, tennis, polo, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
That's a trouble, darling, there hasn't been any et ceteras at all.
MR HOWELL
Our Professor isn't a great lover.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
You can say that again.
MR HOWELL
Does that mean you're not going to buy the island?
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
On the contrary, but only under one condition.
MR HOWELL
Why is there always one condition?
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
Darling, he's such a nice man and I don't want to hurt him. Can you explain to him that I'm not the right woman for him?
MR HOWELL
I shall bend every effort and I come from a long line of effort benders.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
You know, when I told him that I'm thirty-six, twenty-two and thirty-six, he said, my, what a wonderful I.Q.
MR HOWELL
That man must be blindfolded from the inside, really.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH
All right, darling, I'll be back for you people in two hours.
Erika Tiffany-Smith rises from the table and exits.
MR HOWELL
Two hours.
(raises his glass)
Cheers, my dear.
Mr. Howell sips his drink.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Now to explain it to the Professor.
Mr. Howell stands, leaves his glass at the table, and turns.
INT. SUPPLY HUT - DAY
Professor paces in his hut. Mr. Howell enters.
MR HOWELL
Ah, Professor, getting caught up with your road work?
PROFESSOR
Oh, Mister Howell, no, no, no. I'm just trying to come to a decision.
MR HOWELL
Well, Erika has returned to her yacht and the launch will pick the rest of us up in about two hours.
PROFESSOR
Well, perhaps I can tell her then.
MR HOWELL
Well, there's something that I must tell you first. Now, no offense meant, you see. Erika feels the two of you are mismatched. That a union would be utter folly.
PROFESSOR
What a coincidence, I was just about to tell her that, although I admired her, the differences in our individual psychologies, our intellectual patterns, our divergent approach to life and its basic needs made our future happiness an impossibility.
MR HOWELL
Well, I'm glad I told you first, by the time you finish that speech, you'll be celebrating your fifth wedding anniversary.
THUNDER startles the two men. LIGHTNING illuminates the camp. They look around.
FLIP TO:
INT. BOYS HUT - DAY
Gilligan, Professor, and Skipper pack their belongings into suitcases and bags. Gilligan stands in front of a closet and takes a second red rugby shirt, a pair of denim pants and a blue shirt of the Professor's from the closet. Gilligan tosses Professor's shirt of Professor's arm. Professor folds a blue shirt. Skipper packs a yellow raincoat into his sea chest. Gilligan wraps his denim pants and the rugby shirt around each other, walks to his dufflebag, and stuffs them in. Gilligan walks back to Skipper when a THUNDERCLAP arrives.
GILLIGAN
Wow!
Professor folds his second blue shirt.
SKIPPER
Oh, never mind the storm, Gilligan, we've got to get packed. I'll tell you what you do, you go down to the lagoon and see if Missus Tiffany-Smith has returned, all right? Go ahead.
Gilligan walks to the door and opens it. Lightning lights the sky. Wind blows. Gilligan is blown backward by the wind.
GILLIGAN
Whoa!
Gilligan runs into Skipper and they both are thrown into the hammocks.
SKIPPER
Whoa!
GILLIGAN
Batten down the hatches! Tear up the mainsail! Lower the gear!
Skipper points toward the door.
SKIPPER
Gilligan, I told you to go to the lagoon! Now, would you go to the lagoon?
GILLIGAN
You go! I'm not going down to the lagoon.
Skipper grabs Gilligan and pulls him toward the door.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. LAGOON - DAY
PAN SLOWLY OVER THE LAGOON
EXT. LAGOON SHORE - DAY
Skipper, Mr. Howell, and Professor stand near the truck of a palm tree. They look out over the water.
MR HOWELL
I'm positive Erika shall return for us. She gave us her word and her word is as good as mine.
(glances at Skipper; realizes)
Perhaps even better.
PROFESSOR
It's been three days since the storm ended. She's had enough time to return.
Skipper looks upward.
SKIPPER
Gilligan, do ...
EXT. PALM TREE TOP - DAY
Gilligan sits at the top of a palm tree with binoculars in hand and scans the ocean.
SKIPPER (O.S.)
... you see anything yet?
GILLIGAN
All I see is two flying fish and a seagull. Look, I'm bleary-eyed. I've been up here nine hours. Can I come down now?
EXT. LAGOON SHORE - DAY
Skipper, Mr. Howell, and Professor stand near the truck of a palm tree. Skipper looks upward.
SKIPPER
All right, you can come down now.
Skipper crosses past Mr. Howell and Professor.
MR HOWELL
What are you doing, Skipper?
Mr. Howell and Professor look at Skipper. He looks back.
SKIPPER
I'm not taking any chances. Every time Gilligan comes out of a tree, he always comes down on top of me. Well, this time I'm going to be safe.
Skipper walks to another palm tree trunk. Gilligan slides down the tree and piles on top of Skipper, knocking them both down onto the ground.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWO
TAG
FADE IN:
EXT. GIRLS HUT - ESTABLISHING SHOT
INT./EXT. BOYS HUT - DAY
Skipper stands in front of the closet. He takes a pair of khaki slacks from the closet and packs them into his sea chest. Gilligan enters with Herman, a turtle. Gilligan reaches to put the turtle in the sea chest. Skipper stops him.
SKIPPER
Okay, Gilligan, please, no souvenirs in the sea chest.
Gilligan talks to the turtle
GILLIGAN
Sorry, Herman.
SKIPPER
A turtle. Of all the silly things to put in a sea chest--
Gilligan exits. Skipper returns to the closet and picks out a pajama top and places it in the sea chest. Gilligan re-enters with an armload of coconuts.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Gilligan, I told you no more souvenirs in the sea chest.
Skipper points to the door.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Now get out with those. Out! Out!
Skipper pushes Gilligan out the door.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
If you bring anything else in, I'll personally throw it out.
Skipper returns to packing. Gilligan reappears at the door.
GILLIGAN
Guess what I got now?
Professor enters with the radio.
SKIPPER
Throw it out, Gilligan!
Gilligan tries to pick up Professor.
PROFESSOR
Gilligan, what are you--
Skipper turns to see Gilligan trying to pick up Professor.
SKIPPER
Gilligan, will you stop that?
GILLIGAN
You told me.
PROFESSOR
Skipper, you'd better unpack.
Professor sets the radio on the sea chest.
SKIPPER
Unpack?
Professor turns on the radio.
PROFESSOR
Listen.
RADIO
RADIO (V.O.)
(filtered)
Erika, all America is waiting breathlessly ...
BACK TO SCENE
RADIO (V.O.) (cont'd)
(filtered)
... to hear about your adventure.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH (V.O.)
(filtered)
It was marvelous, darling, simply marvelous. I found the most wonderful group of people on the cutest little island.
RADIO
RADIO (V.O.)
(filtered)
But the Navy reports that they can't decode your logbook.
BACK TO SCENE
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH (V.O.)
(filtered)
I don't know why. It's written in plain English, translated from Hungarian, of course.
RADIO (V.O.)
(filtered)
Oh, that explains it.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH (V.O.)
(filtered)
I'll read it to you. "We took a left turn by a big beautiful pink tropical flower, and then pulled over and parked."
RADIO (V.O.)
(filtered)
I'm afraid that's hardly Navy talk.
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH (V.O.)
(filtered)
But the child could understand it. "After the storm we backed up and made a U-turn."
RADIO (V.O.)
(filtered)
But the Navy must know the exact latitude ...
RADIO
RADIO (V.O.) (cont'd)
(filtered)
... and longitude in order to find those people.
BACK TO SCENE
ERIKA TIFFANY-SMITH (V.O.)
(filtered)
Darling, there's nothing to worry about. Every day they will send me a sailor to talk to. Some day we will find them.
Professor turns off the radio. Skipper puts his head down on his arms.
PROFESSOR
Well, Skipper, what do you think?
Skipper raises his head.
SKIPPER
Professor, I think we're gonna be here for a log long time.
GILLIGAN
Oh, well, in that case--
Gilligan pulls clothing out of Skipper's sea chest and tosses them aside.
SKIPPER
Gilligan, what are you doing?
Gilligan reaches in and pulls out another turtle.
GILLIGAN
This is Hilda. She was gonna keep Herman company.
Gilligan quickly turns and heads for the door.
SKIPPER
Will you get that--
(tosses a shirt at Gilligan)
--out of here?
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT
FADE OUT.
THE END