Two Soviet cosmonauts land on the island, far off course from their intended target. The castaways hope to leave the island with them when they call their submarine, but the cosmonauts have other ideas.
“Nyet, Nyet - Not Yet”
By
Adele T. Strassfield
&
Robert Riordan
November 18, 1965
FADE IN:
EXT. BOYS HUT - NIGHT
PUSH IN
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. BOYS HUT - NIGHT
SKIPPER
sleeps in his lower hammock, smiling.
PULL BACK TO GILLIGAN
lying awake, trying to sleep if not for Skipper's SNORING.
GILLIGAN
It sounds like a jet plane with asthma.
Gilligan rolls out of the upper hammock. He gets up and walks over to the fresh water supply barrel by the door. Gilligan removes the lid, but hears a strange SOUND outside. He replaces the lid and looks out the window.
SHOOTING STAR
falls from the sky.
INT./EXT. BOYS HUT - NIGHT
GILLIGAN
looks out of the window through the bamboo-barred window. Gilligan leaves the window and rouses Skipper.
GILLIGAN (O.S.)
Skipper, wake up! Skipper, wake up!
SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN
Gilligan shakes Skipper awake.
SKIPPER
I'm awake, Gilligan, leave me alone! You better have a good reason for waking me up
GILLIGAN
I do, Skipper, come on and look. Come on!
SKIPPER
Look at what?
Skipper rolls out of the hammock. They both move to the window and look out.
GILLIGAN
There, look.
SHOOTING STAR
falls from the sky.
INT./EXT. BOYS HUT - NIGHT
SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN
look out of the window through the bamboo-barred window.
SKIPPER
You woke me up to look at a falling star?
GILLIGAN
Maybe it's a flying saucer.
INT. BOYS HUT - NIGHT
Skipper dismisses it and heads for his hammock.
SKIPPER
It's a falling star.
GILLIGAN
Maybe it's men from Mars.
SKIPPER
It's a falling star, Gilligan, now hit the sack.
As he heads toward his hammock, Gilligan glances toward the window. Skipper rolls into his lower hammock.
EXT. LAGOON - MORNING
A Soviet space capsule floats in the lagoon.
ZOOM TO CAPSULE
The capsule door swings open and two space-suited men peer out. On the side of the capsule are the words "ного свта II".
FADE OUT
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
Skipper and Gilligan walk through the jungle toward the lagoon.
GILLIGAN
Boy, those falling stars are sure scary at night. I don't mind them during the day. But at night when it gets dark, Skipper--
They stop walking.
SKIPPER
Gilligan, how can you possibly see a falling star during the daytime?
GILLIGAN
Easy, wait till it gets dark.
SKIPPER
Well, at least you know it wasn't a flying saucer.
They continue walking.
GILLIGAN
No, no, a falling star goes--
Gilligan imitates a falling star.
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
But a flying saucer goes--
Gilligan imitates a flying saucer by spinning slowly and making a "flying saucer" sound.
SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN
emerge from the jungle at the edge of the lagoon beach. Skipper looks toward the lagoon, notices the Soviet space capsule, and stops. Gilligan bumps into Skipper.
SKIPPER
Gilligan!
GILLIGAN
I'm right behind you.
SKIPPER
I know where you are, look.
Skipper points. Gilligan recoils.
ZOOM TO SPACE CAPSULE FLOATING IN LAGOON
The hatch stands open. Two space-suited figures climb into an inflatable raft marked "CCCP".
SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN
Skipper looks at Gilligan.
GILLIGAN
Men from Mars.
They turn and hide behind a boulder and foliage.
COSMONAUTS AND SPACE CAPSULE
The second cosmonaut sits down in the inflatable raft.
GILLIGAN AND SKIPPER
peer through the foliage and watch the cosmonauts.
LAGOON
The cosmonauts paddle the raft toward shore.
PROFESSOR
carries coconuts through the jungle and approaches Skipper and Gilligan from behind.
PROFESSOR
What are you two hiding from?
Skipper yelps.
SKIPPER
Take a look for yourself, Professor.
LAGOON BEACH
The first cosmonaut steps out of the inflatable raft.
GILLIGAN, SKIPPER, AND PROFESSOR
peer at them from behind the foliage.
PROFESSOR
We've been found!
GILLIGAN
By Martians
PROFESSOR
They're not Martians.
GILLIGAN
They're not the Smothers Brothers!
LAGOON BEACH
The cosmonauts tie up their raft on a large tree stump.
PROFESSOR (O.S.)
They're astronauts. We're saved!
FOLLOW GILLIGAN, SKIPPER, AND PROFESSOR
emerge from hiding in the foliage and greet the cosmonauts.
PROFESSOR
Hello! Welcome! Welcome!
SKIPPER
Are we glad to see you!
GILLIGAN, SKIPPER, PROFESSOR
SKIPPER (cont'd)
I'm the Skipper of the S.S. Minnow and we went aground here.
PROFESSOR
We're stranded here.
GILLIGAN
I'm Gilligan, I'm Gilligan.
SKIPPER
We'll never mind your name, Gilligan. We're trying to find out what theirs are.
IGOR AND IVAN
IGOR
I'm Igor.
He reaches out to shake hands.
SKIPPER (O.S.)
Igor.
Skipper shakes his hand. Igor points to Ivan.
IGOR
This is Comrade Ivan.
Ivan solutes and offers his hand to shake. One of the men shakes his hand.
IVAN
(in Russian)
Hello.
(subtitled:)
HOW DO YOU DO
IGOR
He does not speak English.
Ivan solutes again and shakes another hand.
IVAN
(in Russian)
Hello.
IGOR
We are Russian cosmonauts.
GILLIGAN, SKIPPER, AND PROFESSOR
SKIPPER
Russian?
PROFESSOR
Welcome to our island.
IGOR (O.S.)
Thank you.
IVAN AND IGOR
IGOR
Comrade Ivan and I are colonels in Soviet space program. I regret to say that ...
GILLIGAN, SKIPPER, AND PROFESSOR
IGOR (O.S.)
... we have missed landing target and ...
IVAN AND IGOR
IGOR
... landed here by accident.
Ivan nudges Igor.
IVAN
(in Russian)
You keep silent, don't you understand?
(subtitled:)
SAY NOTHING
Igor nudges Ivan back.
IGOR
(in Russian)
I said I didn't understand.
(subtitled:)
I ONLY SAID WE'RE LOST
IVAN
(in Russian)
Everything you said, you said but God.
(subtitled:)
YOU SAID TOO MUCH
Igor speaks to the castaways.
IGOR
Ivan wants me to assure you that we'll all be saved by great and glorious Soviet Navy, which will come and take us all back home to Moscow.
GILLIGAN, SKIPPER, AND PROFESSOR
Gilligan claps.
GILLIGAN
Oh boy, we're going home to Moscow!
(reconsiders)
What am I so happy about? I don't live in Moscow.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. CAMP - DAY
Ivan and Igor sit at the dining table. Before them are sets of utensils. They examine them.
FOLLOW GINGER
as Mary Ann and Ginger carry plates of food to the cosmonauts. Ginger places a plate of food in front of Igor and sits down next to him. Mary Ann places a plate of food in front of Ivan, walks around Igor and Ginger and sits beside Ginger.
GINGER
Tell me, Igor, how long do you think it'll be before we're rescued?
Igor places his hands over hers.
IGOR
If we're lucky, it'll take a long time.
Ginger looks down at her hands and then back at Igor.
GINGER
(to Mary Ann)
How about that, a Russian wolfhound.
MARY ANN
(to Igor)
How are you going to get us off the island?
IVAN AND IGOR
eat fruit from the plates.
IGOR
By submarine. Our Navy knows by now that we have missed target.
IVAN
(subtitled:)
BIG MOUTH
IGOR
(subtitled:)
STOP WORRYING
IVAN
(subtitled:)
WHEN YOU STOP TALKING
GINGER (O.S.)
I think we better ...
IVAN, IGOR, GINGER, AND MARY ANN
GINGER
... go.
Ginger stands.
MARY ANN
We have packing and laundry things to do.
Mary Ann stands and exits. Igor stands and smacks Ivan's arm with the back of his hand.
IGOR
You scare girls.
IVAN
So?
IGOR
So, comrade, you are no comrade.
INT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY
Mrs. Howell looks out to the clearing through the flowing curtains on their hut door. She turns to Mr. Howell.
MRS HOWELL
Darling, they look nice enough.
Mr. Howell sits and drinks from a tall bamboo glass with a straw and flower garnishes.
MR HOWELL
So does the Russian ruble, my dear, but it's not exactly the American dollar.
MRS HOWELL
You know, dear, we really ought to go out and meet them. After all, they are our guests.
MR HOWELL
Don't forget who we are and who they are.
MRS HOWELL
Of course not, dear.
She pats him on the shoulder and returns to the door.
MR HOWELL
We're chaps in the white hats and they're the chaps in the black hats. Lovely, would you please come away from that door?
Mrs. Howell walks back to Mr. Howell.
MRS HOWELL
You know, dear, they promised to take us to Moscow.
MR HOWELL
Well, now, who do we know in Moscow?
MRS HOWELL
Oh, of course, dear, right again. And they probably even haven't got a blue book there. A red one, perhaps.
MR HOWELL
Well, exactly, so we'll just keep our distance.
MRS HOWELL
Yes, but being aloof is such bad manners, darling.
MR HOWELL
Once again, your diplomacy and tact have overwhelmed me. All right, we'll go meet them, but remember, they won't be friendly, my dear.
(stands; takes her hand)
And no cracks about Russian tailors or their subways. They're very sensitive about Khrushchev--
They exit.
EXT. CAMP - DAY
Ivan and Igor enjoy the food. Both men eat with their fork in their left hand. Their plates are nearly empty. As Mr. Howell and Mrs. Howell approach, Igor stands to greet them. Ivan stands too.
MR HOWELL
Gentlemen, I am Thurston Howell the Third. And this, of course, is my wife, Missus Thurston Howell the Third.
MRS HOWELL
(to Ivan)
Charmed.
IGOR
(to Mr. Howell)
Capitalist, exploiter.
Igor abruptly sits down. Ivan sits.
MR HOWELL
"Capitalist"? "Exploiter"? I was wrong, Lovey, they're very friendly!
The men eat the food.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
What manners.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY
EXT. LAGOON BEACH - DAY
IGOR, IVAN, GILLIGAN AND SKIPPER
stand on the beach.
IGOR
I explain once more.
SKIPPER
It's simple enough, we just pull the capsule in and beach it.
IGOR
Capsule must not tip.
GILLIGAN
(to Skipper)
Capsule mustn't tip.
IGOR
Must not let water get in.
GILLIGAN
(to Skipper)
Must not let water get in.
SKIPPER
Oh, Gilligan.
GILLIGAN
I'm just translating.
SKIPPER
Well, never mind. I can understand English.
IGOR
Now, everybody on line.
(indicates Skipper)
You in back,
(indicates himself and Ivan)
me and Ivan in middle,
(indicates Gilligan)
you in front.
The men take their positions on the rope that is attached to the Soviet space capsule.
GILLIGAN
pulls on the rope.
SPACE CAPSULE IN LAGOON
tips strongly to one side. The space capsule suddenly lurches back to level.
GILLIGAN
The rope pulls Gilligan off the beach and into the Lagoon.
IVAN, SKIPPER, AND IGOR
watch from the shore. Igor gestures toward Gilligan.
IGOR (cont'd)
Idiot!
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. BOYS HUT - NIGHT
PROFESSOR, PULL BACK TO MR. HOWELL, SKIPPER, AND GILLIGAN
They sit at a medium-sized table. A single candle in a candle holder made from a bottle illuminates the hut. Gilligan leans on his elbow.
PROFESSOR
I suppose you wonder why I've called you together for this meeting.
GILLIGAN
I wasn't wondering, I was sleeping.
MR HOWELL
You should have left him sleeping.
PROFESSOR
Gentlemen, have you ever heard of a space capsule with a one-way radio?
SKIPPER
Come to think of it, no.
MR. HOWELL AND PROFESSOR
MR HOWELL
Professor, what are you driving at?
PROFESSOR
The possibility that those Russians didn't land here by mistake.
SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN
SKIPPER
You mean they're planning to take over the island and use it for a base?
MR. HOWELL AND PROFESSOR
Professor nods.
SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN
GILLIGAN
Oh, then when they take us to Moscow--Professor, how cold does it get in Siberia?
MR. HOWELL AND PROFESSOR
PROFESSOR
We could be jumping to conclusions. Actually, we don't have any facts.
MR HOWELL
Don't confuse the facts. I just don't trust these two fellows.
SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN
SKIPPER
I'm with Mister Howell, I don't trust these chaps either.
GILLIGAN
Then we're even.
SKIPPER
What's that supposed to mean?
GILLIGAN
I don't think they trust us chaps either.
EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT
Ivan and Igor walk through the jungle. They stop. Ivan motions Igor to come close to him.
IVAN
Igor, you believe they are shipwrecked?
IGOR
Of course not.
IVAN
Must be secret American space program.
IGOR
These Americans, they think they can fool us.
IVAN
Especially Gilligan, he acts too stupid to be stupid.
IGOR
Must be the cleverest one of them all.
EXT. BOYS HUT - LATER
Mr. Howell, Professor, Skipper and Gilligan sit at the medium-sized table.
PROFESSOR
Now if I could just get inside that capsule, I think I could send a message.
SKIPPER
But they're guarding it night and day.
MR. HOWELL AND PROFESSOR
MR HOWELL
I, Thurston Howell the Third, can outwit two Russians.
SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN
GILLIGAN
I hope it's one of your sneakiest plans.
BACK TO SCENE
Mr. Howell stands and walks to the door.
MR HOWELL
Gentlemen, allow me to show you how this spy business really works.
Mr. Howell claps his hands three times. Ginger enters.
GINGER
Agent thirty-six, twenty-five, thirty-six reporting, sir.
Mr. Howell smiles.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. LAGOON BEACH - NIGHT
Gilligan and Ginger walk through the jungle. Gilligan sees the cosmonauts and indicates the coast is clear to Ginger. She slinks to Igor, who stands guard.
IGOR AND GINGER
GINGER
(sultry)
Hello
IGOR
Koroshotov chenko
GINGER
(sultry)
Where's your friend?
IGOR
He's in jungle sleeping for to keep cool. I am here alone.
Igor takes Ginger's hand.
GINGER
(sultry)
Not anymore, tall dark and Russian.
He leans in to kiss Ginger. She turns her cheek and starts to move away from him.
IGOR
Wait, where you go?
GINGER
(sultry)
Oh, I just going for a little stroll and a moonlight swim.
IGOR
This is good place for swim too.
GINGER, OVER IGOR'S SHOULDER
GINGER
(sultry)
But the other side of the island is much better. Why don't you come along?
IGOR, OVER GINGER'S SHOULDER
IGOR
I have to stay and guard capsule.
GINGER, OVER IGOR'S SHOULDER
GINGER
(sultry)
Can't have everything, big boy.
BACK TO SCENE
Ginger walks away.
GILLIGAN AND PROFESSOR
watch from behind foliage.
IGOR
stands alone, dismayed. He looks at the space capsule, then in Ginger's direction, and then back at the space capsule. He throws up his hands and follows Ginger.
GILLIGAN AND PROFESSOR
PROFESSOR
He got the message.
GILLIGAN
I didn't even know she could speak Russian.
NEW ANGLE
Professor and Gilligan emerge from the foliage. They walk along the beach to the plank leading to the space capsule.
INT. RUSSIAN SPACE CAPSULE - NIGHT
Professor enters the space capsule and assesses the interior. Gilligan follows him in. A sonar PINGs continuously.
GILLIGAN
What are we looking for?
PROFESSOR
A radio.
GILLIGAN
Oh.
Gilligan looks around the capsule.
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
I don't see anything marked radio.
PROFESSOR
You probably have, Gilligan, but it's marked in Russian. You just stand aside and don't touch anything.
RADIO PANEL
pulses slowly in time with the sonar PINGs.
BACK TO SCENE
Professor points to the pulsing panel.
PROFESSOR (cont'd)
That's probably it.
Gilligan leans in to look. He reaches up and grabs
CONTROL HANDLE
Gilligan moves the handle forward to steady himself.
RADIO PANEL
does not glow. PINGs have stopped.
BACK TO SCENE
Gilligan moves back and moves the handle back to center. The radio panel stars pulsing and PINGing again.
BACK TO SCENE
Gilligan leans forward and moves the control handle forward. The control panel does not glow and does not PING.
PROFESSOR (cont'd)
I wonder what's causing that.
Gilligan stands straight and moves the control handle to center again. The radio panel pulses and PINGs.
RADIO PANEL
pulses and PINGs.
CONTROL HANDLE
Gilligan's hand moves it forward.
RADIO PANEL
pulses and PINGs.
CONTROL HANDLE
Gilligan's hand moves it to center.
GILLIGAN AND PROFESSOR
Gilligan holds onto the control handle. Professor turns and sees Gilligan holding on to it.
PROFESSOR (cont'd)
Gilligan, I ask you not to touch anything, didn't I?
Professor gently removes Gilligan's hand from the control handle. Gilligan steps back and he leans on the wall. SPARKS burst forth.
RADIO PANEL
does not glow.
BACK TO SCENE
Sparks fly. Igor and Ivan lean in through the door to the capsule.
PROFESSOR (cont'd)
Oh, now you have shorted out the whole electrical system! The radio is dead!
Gilligan gasps, turns, and steps to see Igor and Ivan.
GILLIGAN
So are we.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
EXT. LAGOON BEACH - DAY
GILLIGAN'S FEET
pedals the stationary cycle that turns the dynamo to provide electrical power.
PULL BACK TO GILLIGAN, PROFESSOR AND SKIPPER
on the Lagoon beach. Igor speaks out through the hatch of the space capsule.
IGOR
Turn faster.
SKIPPER
Turn faster, Gilligan.
GILLIGAN, PROFESSOR, AND SKIPPER
GILLIGAN
They were sure mad last night.
PROFESSOR
They're going to be a lot madder if this device doesn't generate enough power for them.
INT. RUSSIAN SPACE CAPSULE - DAY
Ivan kneels and works on a damaged cable. He pulls insulation away with a pliers. Igor crouches behind him.
IGOR
You call yourself engineer? Phooey.
IVAN
Remember who got us into trouble.
IGOR
So I make little mistake.
IVAN
Say that in Kremlin, you get big laugh.
Igor leans into Ivan's ear.
IGOR
Very funny. Ha ha.
EXT. LAGOON BEACH - DAY
Gilligan pumps the dynamo. Professor and Skipper stand.
SKIPPER
Professor, go ask them again. They can't keep saying no forever.
PROFESSOR
All right.
Professor walks to the capsule hatch.
PROFESSOR
PROFESSOR (cont'd)
Igor?
Igor briefly sticks his head out of the hatch.
IGOR
Nyet.
Igor disappears inside the space capsule.
PROFESSOR
You're wrong, Skipper. They can keep saying no forever.
Igor briefly sticks his head out of the hatch.
IGOR
But don't go away.
Igor disappears inside the space capsule.
IVAN (O.S.)
(in Russian)
Igor, come here.
IGOR (O.S.)
(in Russian)
Tell him you're here. Yes.
Igor sticks his head out of the hatch.
IGOR
We'll let you come in if you promise not to look on nothing except broken radio.
PROFESSOR
It's a deal.
BACK TO SCENE
Professor and Igor shake hands.
PROFESSOR (cont'd)
You keep that thing going, Gilligan.
Professor enters the space capsule hatch.
SKIPPER
Don't worry, Professor. You've got my personal guarantees that he'll keep pumping.
FLIP TO:
EXT. LAGOON BEACH - DAY
Skipper rides the cycle powering the dynamo. Gilligan stands next to him.
GILLIGAN
One, two, three, four, stroke, stroke, stroke.
SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN
SKIPPER
I'm going to have a stroke if somebody doesn't relieve me pretty soon.
They hear a "RADIO TUNING" sound from the space capsule.
GILLIGAN
Wait a minute, Skipper, listen.
Skipper stops pedaling.
SKIPPER
The radio. The Professor fixed the radio!
GILLIGAN
Yeah.
INT. RUSSIAN SPACE CAPSULE - DAY
RADIO PANEL
pulses and PINGs.
EXT. RUSSIAN SUBMARINE - DAY
A submerged Russian submarine speeds through the water. The radio panel PINGs.
EXT. LAGOON BEACH - DAY
Professor emerges from the space capsule hatch.
SKIPPER
Attaboy, Professor. You showed them real American know-how.
PROFESSOR
I'm just glad the radio is working again.
PROFESSOR AND IGOR
IGOR
We have received message from submarine. They will arrive tomorrow at eleven o'clock.
Professor and Igor shake hands.
SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN
SKIPPER
Tomorrow morning at eleven o'clock? We'll be ready. We'll be ready.
EXT. RUSSIAN SUBMARINE - DAY
A submerged Russian submarine glides through the water. The radio panel PINGs.
INT. RUSSIAN SPACE CAPSULE - DAY
Igor and Ivan look at the pulsing radio panel. Igor points to it and they cheer. They shake hands and laugh. Igor grabs Ivan's right shoulder.
IGOR
This calls for celebration.
IVAN
With what? Coconut milk?
IGOR
I have for you big surprise.
Igor removes the top of a copper canister with an exhaust tube running out of it. Igor hands the top to Ivan.
IGOR (cont'd)
Hold it.
Igor reaches into the canister and pulls out two bottles of vodka and holds them up for Ivan to see.
IVAN
You bring vodka on spaceship?
Ivan places his palm on his forehead.
IGOR
Only way to fly.
Igor laughs.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. GIRLS HUT - DAY
Mary Ann and Ginger fold clothes to pack into their suitcase.
MARY ANN
Ginger, I'm so excited. I can't believe we're really going home.
GINGER
I can't figure out is how could someone fix something that Gilligan broke?
MARY ANN
Well, the Professor did and the submarine will be here tomorrow.
Mrs. Howell enters carrying a mink coat.
MRS HOWELL
Girls, I'm in terrible trouble.
GINGER
What's wrong?
MRS HOWELL
I haven't any room for my mink. All those bags and trunks and no room for my favorite fur.
Mrs. Howell strokes the fur of the mink coat.
MARY ANN
Well, we'll put it in our bag, Missus Howell.
Mrs. Howell places the mink coat into the suitcase.
MRS HOWELL
Oh, that's dear of you. Now, back to packing. You know I never pack before. It's really lots of fun.
Mrs. Howell exits. Mary Ann strokes the fur of the mink coat.
MARY ANN
Ginger, just think, this wonderful, soft fur comes from mink.
GINGER
And in Hollywood they come from wolves.
Mrs. Howell re-enters carrying a sable coat.
MRS HOWELL
Girls, I haven't any room for my sable.
Ginger takes the sable coat from her and holds it up to look at it, and then folds it into the suitcase.
GINGER
We'll pack it for you, Missus Howell.
MRS HOWELL
Oh, I don't know what I do without you.
Mrs. Howell exits.
GINGER
Oh, mink and sable. I just like to crawl right in there with them.
MARY ANN
You suffocate.
GINGER
But what a way to go.
MRS HOWELL (O.S.)
Girls!
GINGER
Her Persian lamb bikini?
MARY ANN
Her cashmere girdle?
Mrs. Howell re-enters carrying a leopard coat.
MRS HOWELL
Oh, girls.
GINGER
Oh, leopard.
MRS HOWELL
It really has great sentimental value. We raised the little darling ourselves.
MARY ANN
We'll try to make room for it, Missus Howell.
Mary Ann and Ginger take the coat and put it on top of the others in the suitcase.
MRS HOWELL
Oh, now, I'm all through with my packing. If you girls need any help, just call on me.
Mrs. Howell exits.
GINGER
Let's close it.
Ginger swings the suitcase lid up. Mary Ann grabs the other side of the lid.
MARY ANN
Ginger, I don't think it's going to close.
They stuff the coats into the suitcase as they try to close the lid.
MARY ANN (cont'd)
Careful.
GILLIGAN
appears at the window.
GILLIGAN
Hi, girls. You all packed?
MARY ANN (O.S.)
Hi, Gilligan. Come on in and hurry.
Gilligan moves from the window.
BACK TO SCENE
Gilligan enters. Mary Ann and Ginger sit on the suitcase lid.
GILLIGAN
What are you doing to sit on the suitcase?
GINGER
We can't close it.
GILLIGAN
Oh, that's silly.
MARY ANN
Oh, we can't get off. It'll explode.
GILLIGAN
Here, let me.
(motions them off the lid)
I'll close it for you.
The suitcase lid flies open and clothes are scattered everywhere.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
Gilligan walks through the jungle and overhears Igor talking with Ivan.
IGOR (O.S.)
Why we must leave them here?
IVAN (O.S.)
Igor, you are dumbbell.
PULL BACK TO IGOR AND IVAN
They sit. Gilligan peers at them over the foliage.
IGOR
You are smart?
IVAN
We land capsule in wrong place, no?
IGOR
Da.
IVAN
Seven people come back and tell world we made goof. I got question. How mad is Moscow? Huh?
IGOR
I got answer. How cold is Siberia?
GILLIGAN
watches them from behind the foliage.
IVAN (O.S.)
So, we tie them up and leave them here.
IGOR, OVER IVAN'S SHOULDER
IGOR
How we tie them up? We no got gun.
Ivan turns away and thinks. He looks back to Igor.
IVAN
Ah, I no got answer.
Igor slaps his knee.
IGOR
I got answer. We invite them to celebration. Drink toast, get them drunk.
IVAN, OVER IGOR'S SHOULDER
IVAN
Igor, good idea. We got plenty vodka ...
GILLIGAN
watches through the foliage.
IVAN (O.S.)
... in capsule.
IGOR (O.S.)
Sure. Two Russian men can drink ...
IGOR, OVER IVAN'S SHOULDER
IGOR
... more than four American men.
IVAN
Is only three men.
IGOR
Is four.
BACK TO SCENE
Igor counts on his fingers.
IGOR (cont'd)
Is sailor, is teacher, is rich capitalist, is--You are right, Ivan. Is three men and one Gilligan!
They laugh, stand, and exit.
ZOOM TO GILLIGAN
dismayed at what he overheard.
FLIP TO:
INT. BOYS HUT - DAY
Mr. Howell, Professor, Skipper, and Gilligan sit at the medium-sized table.
MR HOWELL
I tell you it's a dastardly shame.
GILLIGAN
I think I have a solution. When they offer us a drink, we'll say we're not thirsty.
Gilligan smiles.
PROFESSOR
Gilligan, they get suspicious. And we must drink with them according to protocol.
GILLIGAN
Is that Ivan or Igor Protocol?
PROFESSOR
Protocol isn't a person, Gilligan. It's the proper way to do things.
SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN
SKIPPER
Besides, if we don't drink with them, they may do something drastic. Maybe they got weapons or something that will blow our heads off.
MR. HOWELL AND PROFESSOR
MR HOWELL
Must you be so graphic?
PROFESSOR
I think the solution is to drink them under the table. Unfortunately, I'm allergic to alcohol.
BACK TO SCENE
GILLIGAN
Skipper, maybe you can drink them under the table.
SKIPPER
Well, maybe, Gilligan. But you see, I'm great with Scotch or bourbon. But when it comes to that vodka, I go to sleep like a little baby.
GILLIGAN
How about you, Mister Howell? With all those parties and banquets you go to, Maybe you can drink them under the table.
MR. HOWELL AND PROFESSOR
MR HOWELL
Well, the Howell taste buds are very delicate. The only beverage I drink is made from French grapes crushed by the toes of Brigitte Bardot. Little purple feet.
SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN
GILLIGAN
All I can drink is water.
MR. HOWELL AND PROFESSOR
MR HOWELL
Wait a minute. Gilligan has moments of brilliance.
SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN
GILLIGAN
Was I brilliant?
MR HOWELL (O.S.)
No, you said the magic word.
MR. HOWELL AND PROFESSOR
MR HOWELL
They'll drink vodka and we drink water.
BACK TO SCENE
SKIPPER
Oh, but Mister Howell, how can we just drink water while they're drinking vodka?
MR HOWELL
(sotto)
Wait a minute. Just come here. Quarterback Howell will outline the plan to the team. You--
Mr. Howell indicates Gilligan
GILLIGAN
Me? Why always me?
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. LAGOON BEACH - DAY
Ivan and Igor sit on the ramp from the lagoon beach to the space capsule. The capsule's hatch stands open.
PAN TO GILLIGAN
swimming with a reed for air. The reed pops up through the surface of the water. Gilligan surfaces. He wears a yellow face mask. Behind him floats a small gourd with fresh water. Gilligan swims up to the back side of the space capsule.
IVAN AND IGOR
bide their time.
GILLIGAN
removes his face mask. He throws a rock onto the shore
IVAN AND IGOR
Gilligan's rock makes a NOISE, catching the attention of the cosmonauts.
IVAN
You heard something?
IGOR
I heard something.
IVAN
Then go, look.
Igor stands and walks down the ramp.
SHORE
Igor runs onto shore. He looks to his right.
IVAN
looks toward Igor.
IGOR
looks to his left and runs into the jungle.
GILLIGAN
throws another rock.
IVAN
hears the NOISE. He stands up and walks down the ramp.
SHORE
Ivan carefully walks onto the shore, pauses, and heads into the jungle.
GILLIGAN
steps around the space capsule, steps onto the ramp, and enters.
INT. RUSSIAN SPACE CAPSULE - DAY
Gilligan enters the space capsule. He locates the two bottles of vodka behind a picture of V.I. Lenin and takes one of them. He moves to the hatch and opens the vodka bottle.
EXT. LAGOON BEACH - DAY
Gilligan pours out the vodka into the lagoon. He shakes the bottle to speed its emptying. Once the bottle is empty, he moves back inside.
INT. RUSSIAN SPACE CAPSULE - DAY
Gilligan sets the empty vodka bottle on a shelf. He removes the gourd tied around his waist, removes the cork from the gourd, and sets it aside. Gilligan picks up the empty vodka bottle and pours fresh water from the gourd into the bottle, spilling quite a bit of water on the floor. Once the bottle is full, he sets the gourd on the shelf. He picks up a cork and pushes it into the bottle's neck.
VODKA BOTTLE
Gilligan uses a pencil to write an "X" on the bottle's label.
BACK TO SCENE
Gilligan returns the vodka bottle behind the picture of V.I. Lenin. He replaces the cork in the gourd and looks out of the hatch and stops.
EXT. LAGOON BEACH - GILLIGAN'S POV - DAY
Igor and Ivan emerge from the jungle.
IVAN
Igor, I don't see something.
IGOR
I don't see something, too.
INT. RUSSIAN SPACE CAPSULE - DAY
Gilligan scrambles to find something to throw. He looks up at a light fixture and removes the light bulb. He throws the light bulb through the hatch.
EXT. LAGOON BEACH - DAY
Igor and Ivan hear the bulb BREAK. They turn toward the noise. Igor points into the jungle.
IGOR
This way! This way!
They head back into the jungle.
EXT. RUSSIAN SPACE CAPSULE - DAY
Gilligan emerges from the space capsule. He tosses the gourd away, steps into the water, and walks behind the space capsule.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. CAMP - NIGHT
Ivan and Igor sit with Professor, Skipper, and Mr. Howell at the dining table. Gilligan speaks with Mrs. Howell. Mary Ann and Ginger tend to a kettle suspended over a small fire.
MR HOWELL
Delightful! You're a charming dinner companion.
FOLLOW MRS. HOWELL
as she walks over to Mary Ann and Ginger.
MRS HOWELL
We'd better go, girls, and let the men put their scheme into effect.
GINGER
I hope Gilligan didn't mark the wrong bottle.
MARY ANN
Why would he make a mistake like that?
(realizes)
Oh, you're right. Oh, I hope he did mark the right bottle. Come on.
They exit.
DINING TABLE
Ivan, Igor, Professor, Skipper, and Mr. Howell sit at the dining table. Gilligan stands between Professor and Skipper.
SKIPPER
Enjoy our food?
IGOR
Great meal.
MR HOWELL
Nothing is too good for our friends across the sea, as we say.
IGOR
Well, to prove that we are so good friends to you, Ivan has big surprise.
Igor nudges Ivan.
MR HOWELL
Ivan with the blue eyes.
Ivan reveals two vodka bottles and sets them on the table.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Oh, unexpected pleasure.
IGOR
(to Gilligan)
Bring for to drink.
Gilligan turns and takes four coconut glasses from a small table behind him and sets them on the table. Then he turns and grabs two coconut glasses and sets them on the table.
SKIPPER
Yeah, hurry up, Gilligan.
IGOR
We will make big toast to Great Russia.
MR HOWELL
I'll buy that.
SKIPPER
Wait a minute, Igor, may I look at the bottle?
IVAN AND IGOR
Igor looks quizzically at Skipper.
IGOR
What for do you want to look?
MR HOWELL (O.S.)
He wants to see if it's a vintage year.
PROFESSOR, GILLIGAN, SKIPPER, AND MR. HOWELL
MR HOWELL
He's a gourmet, a connoisseur.
Skipper grabs the bottle.
FIRST VODKA BOTTLE
has no "X".
SKIPPER (O.S.)
Oh, that's a bad year. Bad year.
IVAN AND IGOR
Igor takes the second bottle and hands it to Skipper.
IGOR
Perhaps this one's better for soft Americans?
PROFESSOR, GILLIGAN, SKIPPER, AND MR. HOWELL
Skipper takes the bottle and examines it.
SKIPPER
Oh, that's a good year.
SECOND VODKA BOTTLE
The bottle clearly shows an "X".
IGOR (O.S.)
Now we will pour.
BACK TO SCENE
IGOR
You from your bottle, me from mine.
Skipper pours water into the castaway's coconut cups.
MR HOWELL
That's a democratic way. I'll buy that. There you are, Skipper.
PROFESSOR
There you are, Mister Howell.
MR HOWELL
Thank you, yes.
Igor stands and extends his cup.
IGOR
Stand.
All of the men stand.
MR HOWELL
Stand, stand, stand, stand.
IGOR
To homeland.
They exchange CLINKS and drink from their glasses.
IGOR (cont'd)
Stop!
IVAN AND IGOR
IGOR (cont'd)
In our country we have great tradition: change glasses.
PROFESSOR, GILLIGAN, SKIPPER, AND MR. HOWELL
SKIPPER
Change glasses?
They exchange glasses.
MR HOWELL
Yes, of course, change glasses.
IVAN AND IGOR
IGOR
To homeland.
BACK TO SCENE
MR HOWELL
To homeland, to homeland.
They CLINK glasses again. Before they can drink...
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Stop! In our country we have a custom, we always change glasses too.
They exchange glasses back.
SKIPPER
Oh, yes, yes.
MR HOWELL
We can try that. There you are.
IGOR
Now everybody drink.
They CLINK glasses.
MR HOWELL
Here, drink, drink, here, there it goes.
SKIPPER
That's beautiful. Really tastes good, doesn't it?
IGOR
You like, yes.
MR HOWELL
I like very much.
PROFESSOR
Gentlemen, I propose a toast to the United States of America.
IGOR
To the United States of America.
They CLINK glasses.
SKIPPER
Gilligan.
Skipper pours more water from the vodka bottle into Gilligan's glass.
MR HOWELL
Here, have another one.
PROFESSOR
To the United States.
They drink and CLINK.
MR HOWELL
There you go, here.
IGOR
To friendly relations.
SKIPPER
I'll drink to that.
MR HOWELL
To anyone's relations.
EXT. CAMP - NIGHT - LATER
Ivan is passed out on one end of the dining table, holding the second vodka bottle. Igor dances on the table. The castaway men cheer him on. Skipper holds the first vodka bottle. Igor jumps off the table.
PROFESSOR
Oh, you were marvelous, Igor!
IGOR
Time for another drink.
MR HOWELL
Another drink. Yeah! Get up on the table again.
IGOR
It's empty.
MR HOWELL
It's empty.
Gilligan takes the vodka bottle from Skipper.
IGOR
Yeah, well, use yours. We're friends, no?
PROFESSOR
Gilligan, you better let go.
Igor grabs the bottle from Gilligan and drinks from it. Igor gasps, rolls his eyes, and collapses forward.
GILLIGAN
What do you know, he's allergic to water.
Professor checks on Ivan. He's out cold.
PROFESSOR
Oh, they'll sleep for hours.
SKIPPER
Good, we ought to drag them down to the space capsule.
MR HOWELL
No, sir, they might if we leave them here the way they want to leave us.
GILLIGAN
That wouldn't be fair.
PROFESSOR
It wouldn't be smart either. We want their countrymen to see them.
SKIPPER
Exactly, Gilligan, get this one's feet.
Skipper and Gilligan help Igor. Professor and Mr. Howell help Ivan.
PROFESSOR
Mister Howell, you give me a hand with this fellow.
MR HOWELL
Yes, all right. I like the little one, he's easier to lift.
PROFESSOR
Here we go.
They drag Ivan away and exit.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. LAGOON BEACH - NIGHT
Skipper and Gilligan carry Igor to the lagoon shore. Professor and Mr. Howell carry Ivan.
MR HOWELL
The last time I did this was my brother-in-law. Here.
They set the men down next to each other.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
To think I'd be seen working for the proletariat.
GILLIGAN
I thought they were Russians.
SKIPPER
Oh, never mind that. Let's go back and get the girls, get our stuff packed and get back here.
GILLIGAN
Maybe you ought to stay here and guard them.
SKIPPER
Gilligan, nobody's going to steal them. Now, come on, Mister Howell, let's go.
MR HOWELL
Yes, yes, sure.
SKIPPER
That's it.
They exit into the jungle.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. LAGOON BEACH - MORNING
Professor carries two suitcases out from the jungle. Skipper follows him with two suitcases. Professor sets the suitcases down.
PROFESSOR
The capsule is gone!
Skipper sets his suitcases down.
ANGLE ON LAGOON
No space capsule in the lagoon. No cosmonauts either.
SKIPPER (O.S.)
The Russians are gone, too.
GILLIGAN (O.S.)
And you said nobody would steal them.
BACK TO SCENE
PROFESSOR
But they said eleven o'clock. Now, that's odd behavior for our people who pride themselves on precision.
MR HOWELL
This is no time for our lecture on ethnic culture.
PROFESSOR
But they weren't supposed to be arriving for three hours.
SKIPPER
Oh, no. Gilligan, what time is it?
GILLIGAN AND SKIPPER
GILLIGAN
Eight o'clock
SKIPPER
Are you sure it isn't eleven o'clock?
GILLIGAN
Nope, I checked this morning. The announcer said, "It is now ten-thirty A.M. This is WKMU Manila."
PROFESSOR AND MR. HOWELL
GILLIGAN (O.S.)
And that's when I set my watch.
Professor places his palm over his face.
SKIPPER (O.S.)
Gilligan, there's three hours ...
GILLIGAN AND SKIPPER
SKIPPER
... difference between here and Manila.
GILLIGAN
Well, that's easy to fix. I'll just set my watch ahead three hours. There, now it's eleven o'clock. No wonder the submarine got here.
BACK TO SCENE
SKIPPER
Yes, no wonder the submarine got here.
Skipper removes his cap. Gilligan races away. Skipper chases him.
GILLIGAN
Skipper, no!
SKIPPER
Come back here!
GILLIGAN
You go away from me.
Gilligan runs into the lagoon. Skipper stops at the water's edge.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWO
TAG
FADE IN:
INT. BOYS HUT - NIGHT
Skipper and Gilligan recline in the hammocks. The radio sits nearby playing music.
SKIPPER
Shall I try another station, Gilligan?
GILLIGAN
Yes, Skipper, go ahead.
Skipper adjusts the radio dial.
RADIO (V.O.)
(filtered)
And now on the international scene. TASS, the Russian news agency, reports that after completing six hundred seventy-nine orbits, a new record, two Russian cosmonauts were picked up in the Black Sea by a Russian submarine just eighteen inches from their target area.
Skipper turns the radio off.
SKIPPER
Eighteen inches from the target area.
GILLIGAN
Where's the Black Sea?
SKIPPER
Well, Gilligan, it's not in the middle of the Pacific, which is where we are and which is where they landed.
GILLIGAN
I wonder why they said a thing like that.
SKIPPER
Oh, because they're afraid to admit that they goofed.
GILLIGAN
I don't see why. I always admit it when I goof. For instance, for years you've been trying to teach me how to make a square knot. And I still don't do it right.
SKIPPER
Oh, well, never mind that now, Gilligan.
GILLIGAN
And yesterday you asked me to tie up this hammock. I tried to make a square knot, but I think I goofed.
Gilligan and his hammock fall squarely on top of Skipper.
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
Yep, I goofed.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT
FADE OUT.
THE END