A Howell Industries stock collapse leaves the Howells broke. The fellow castaways try to cheer them up and try to teach them how to live like the working class.
“Agonized Labor”
By
Roland MacLane
November 11, 1965
FADE IN:
EXT. BOYS HUT - ESTABLISHING SHOT - NIGHT
Crickets chirp.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. BOYS HUT - NIGHT
Gilligan walks over to the radio, which sits on a medium-sized table next to a candle in a candle holder bottle and a claw hammer. Gilligan picks up the radio and extinguishes the candle flame by licking his fingers and then touching the wick. Gilligan looks down at his hand.
GILLIGAN
Ow!
Gilligan hangs his hat up on the pole supporting the hammocks. Skipper SNORES. Gilligan bends down and shakes Skipper.
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
Skipper, skipper, are you asleep?
Gilligan rustles Skipper.
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
Skipper!
SKIPPER
No, Gilligan, I'm not asleep now. What is it?
GILLIGAN
Is it okay if I turn the radio on and listen to some going to sleep music?
SKIPPER
Yes, of course, you can turn the radio on and listen to some go to sleep music.
GILLIGAN
Thanks, Skipper. Good night.
SKIPPER
Good night, Gilligan.
Gilligan stands and turns on the radio. Gilligan throws his leg up on the hammock.
RADIO (V.O.)
(filtered)
Don't go to bed, not yet. Not until you've done your deep breathing exercises.
(looks at radio)
Take a deep breath and hold it.
(gulps air)
For a good night's sleep, there's nothing like fresh oxygen in the lungs. Feel it?
(nods)
Breathe deeper,
(gulps more air)
deeper,
(gulps a little more air)
deeper.
(looks at radio; shakes it)
Inhale, deeper. That's it.
Gilligan exhales all at once and collapses on top of Skipper.
GILLIGAN
Oh!
SKIPPER
Gilligan, what are you doing?
GILLIGAN
I was just breathing, Skipper.
SKIPPER
Well, would you stop breathing and turn that radio off?
Gilligan stands and removes the radio from his hammock and returns it to the table.
RADIO
(filtered)
We interrupt this program to bring you another bulletin on the Howell industry situation.
Skipper leaps out of his bunk and races to the radio. Gilligan turns the volume knob, but Skipper interrupts and takes the radio from Gilligan.
SKIPPER
Hold it!
RADIO
(filtered)
The sudden collapse of the vast Howell Holdings has caused near panic on Wall Street. Following the report that the entire assets of the company are virtually wiped out.
SKIPPER
Gosh, Mister Howell.
GILLIGAN
Mister Howell's broke? Well, don't you think we should go tell him?
SKIPPER
Not now, Gilligan. In the morning. I mean, you can wake a man up in the middle of the night and tell him he's rich, but you can't wake him up and tell him he's poor.
GILLIGAN
That's right. Skipper?
SKIPPER
Yes, Gilligan?
GILLIGAN
Is it okay if I turn the radio back on again?
SKIPPER
Gilligan, you would you go bed?
Skipper grabs Gilligan and shoves him toward the hammocks.
FADE OUT
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
EXT. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY
INT. BOYS HUT - DAY
Skipper hammers a bamboo pole. Gilligan enters.
GILLIGAN
Hi, Skipper.
SKIPPER
Gilligan, while I'm doing this, why don't you go over to the Howells and tell them the bad news?
GILLIGAN
What news?
SKIPPER
The news last night we heard late on the radio about Mister Howell being broke.
GILLIGAN
Oh, yeah.
Gilligan stands.
SKIPPER
Well, get going.
Skipper turns back to his work. Gilligan hesitates at the door, he opens it, and then immediately turns around and re-enters.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Well, what's the matter, Gilligan?
GILLIGAN
It's kind of early, Skipper. I think I'll go tell them later.
SKIPPER
Oh, quit stalling.
Gilligan sits down at the medium-sized table.
GILLIGAN
Well, they might have company. Old friends might have dropped in.
SKIPPER
Gilligan will you stop that. Get over to the Howell hut and tell them the bad news.
Skipper holds the door open for Gilligan. Gilligan stands, steps into the doorway, stops, and turns.
GILLIGAN
I can't.
SKIPPER
Why can't you?
GILLIGAN
I, I forgot their address.
SKIPPER
Gilligan, will you stop that?
GILLIGAN
Skipper, I can't. I can't. I never told anybody before they were broke except Skinny Mulligan. And when he was rich, all he had was three dollars. And when I told him he was broke, he went,
(sobbing)
"I'm worth three dollars!"
SKIPPER
Never mind about Skinny Mulligan! Oh, Gilligan, for goodness sakes, sit down here.
(gestures to table)
I'll show you how simple it is. Now, you pretend that you're Mister Howell, okay?
Gilligan sits down again.
GILLIGAN
Okay.
Skipper walks to the door, exits, closes the door. Skipper knocks. Gilligan immediately starts sobbing.
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
Oh!
Skipper opens the door and rushes in to see why Gilligan sobs.
SKIPPER
Gilligan, what is it? What's the matter?
Skipper runs over to Gilligan.
GILLIGAN
(sobbing)
I'm broke and I've lost every cent I own.
SKIPPER
Will you stop that, Gilligan? I haven't told you yet.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Now, try it again.
Skipper walks outside, closes the door behind him, and knocks. Skipper opens the door.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Mister Howell?
GILLIGAN
He's not here.
Skipper stands in the doorway.
SKIPPER
Will you stop that? Try it again, Gilligan.
Skipper closes the door again. Skipper knocks and opens the door.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Mister Howell?
Skipper enters and walks over to Gilligan.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
I know how much money means to you, Mister Howell.
GILLIGAN
It means a lot to me, too, Skipper.
SKIPPER
Gilligan, will you stop that? I'm not the Skipper. And you're not you. You're Mister Howell. Now, where were we?
GILLIGAN
I don't know, but I'm okay. But you sound pretty mixed up.
SKIPPER
(angrily)
I'm sorry. Sit there and listen.
Skipper composes himself.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Mister Howell, I hate to tell you this bad news, but last night on the radio, we heard that the Howell Industries were completely wiped out. You're flat broke.
(pauses; exhales)
There, it's that simple, Gilligan.
GILLIGAN
You make it sound so easy, Skipper.
SKIPPER
Exactly. Now, you go out and do just what I did.
GILLIGAN
Yes, sir.
SKIPPER
Okay?
Gilligan stands.
GILLIGAN
Yes, sir.
SKIPPER
Thank you.
Gilligan walks out. Skipper returns to hammering. Gilligan re-enters.
GILLIGAN
Mister Howell, we heard on the radio last night that the Howell Industries were completely wiped out and your flat broke.
(to Skipper)
I'm glad that's over. Do you want to go fishing, Skipper?
SKIPPER
Do I want to go fishing?
Skipper chases Gilligan. Gilligan exits.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY
Skipper and Gilligan enter from behind the Howell Hut. They pause at the door.
SKIPPER
If you went to the Howells when I asked you to, we wouldn't have to be running all over the island looking for them.
Skipper knocks on the doorframe.
GILLIGAN
Are you still mad at me?
SKIPPER
You want the truth?
GILLIGAN
No.
Skipper knocks again.
SKIPPER
Well, I guess they're not at home.
GILLIGAN
Well, I guess they had to sell their hut.
SKIPPER
To whom?
GILLIGAN
Well, see, there's, um...
SKIPPER
Oh, Gilligan, come on.
They exit.
EXT. CAMP - DAY
Skipper and Gilligan emerge from the jungle. Professor crouches down and works on a bamboo polo pony's leg.
SKIPPER
Hi, Professor.
Professor stands.
PROFESSOR
Hi.
SKIPPER
Have you seen Mister Howell?
PROFESSOR
No, I haven't, but I've just noticed this practice polo pony here. He's got a broken leg.
GILLIGAN
Does that mean we're going to have to shoot it?
PROFESSOR
I suggest if you see Mister Howell, you tell him about this. I wouldn't want him to hop on it and hurt himself.
SKIPPER
We'll tell him.
GILLIGAN
Maybe we ought to tell him the other bad news first.
SKIPPER
What for, Gilligan?
GILLIGAN
Well, if he hears he lost all that money, he might not feel so bad about his practice polo ponies for having a broken leg.
PROFESSOR
Mister Howell's lost some money?
SKIPPER
(to Professor)
I'll tell you all about it.
(to Gilligan)
Gilligan, now you go find Mister Howell and tell me when you found him, all right?
Gilligan exits.
WHIP PAN TO:
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
Ginger gathers flowers into a bouquet. Gilligan enters from the jungle.
GILLIGAN
Oh, hi, Ginger.
GINGER
Hi, Gilligan.
GILLIGAN
Say, have you seen Mister Howell?
GINGER
Yeah, they're right over there.
Ginger points.
GILLIGAN
Oh, thanks.
Gilligan turns the other direction, but Ginger grabs him by the arm.
GINGER
Gilligan, I just said they're over there, and you went that way.
GILLIGAN
I know. That's because I don't want to meet him.
GINGER
Why? You just said that you're looking for them.
GILLIGAN
Well, if I meet him, I got to tell him.
GINGER
Tell him what?
GILLIGAN OVER GINGER'S SHOULDER
GILLIGAN
Ooh, it's really terrible, Ginger. It's very bad news. Mister Howell's broke.
GINGER OVER GILLIGAN'S SHOULDER
GINGER
Mister Howell is broke?
GILLIGAN
Skipper and I heard it on the radio. Mister Howell's wiped out. Not a cent.
GINGER
Oh. Poor Mister Howell.
GILLIGAN
Yeah.
FLIP TO:
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
Gilligan sits on a large boulder. Skipper enters.
SKIPPER
Gilligan, I've been looking all over for you. Mary Ann told me where the Howells are.
GILLIGAN
I had the same terrible luck. Ginger told me.
SKIPPER
Well, come on. Let's get this over with.
Skipper grabs Gilligan. Gilligan stands and they exit.
CUT TO:
EXT. LAGOON BEACH - DAY
Mr Howell paces out a measurement. Mrs. Howell sits on a large boulder and takes notes.
MR HOWELL
Five, six, ninety-seven, eight, nine, approximately three hundred.
MR HOWELL AND MRS HOWELL
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Will you mark that down, Lovey?
MRS HOWELL
Yes, I have it, Thurston. three hundred feet. Isn't that just a little bit long for a dining room table?
Gilligan and Skipper enter behind the Howells.
MR HOWELL
Well, yes. Well, you see, I want all the guests on one side of the table so they have an unobstructed view of my offshore oil wells.
MRS HOWELL
Oh, that's considerate of you, darling.
MR HOWELL
I just think those twenty-four wells bring in thousands of dollars every hour.
GILLIGAN
Heard the news and cracked up.
MR HOWELL
Oh, hello, fellas. Missus Howell and I are just laying out the facilities of the Howell Oil Company.
MRS HOWELL
Our house is going somewhere over there.
(points)
Only sixty rooms, just a home away from home.
MR HOWELL
Care to see the plans? I think you'll find them enchanting.
MRS HOWELL
Come on.
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
Mr. Howell leads Mrs. Howell, Gilligan, and Skipper to see the layout of the estate.
GILLIGAN
Mister Howell?
MR HOWELL
Yes, yes, Gilligan.
Gilligan glances at Skipper.
GILLIGAN
Nice weather we're having.
MR HOWELL
Yes, yes, very nice. Now, over there will be the dock for my fleet of oil tankers. See there?
Mr. Howell points.
GILLIGAN
Mister Howell?
MR HOWELL
Yes, yes.
GILLIGAN
What do you think of the Dodgers?
MR HOWELL
I don't have time for baseball. Now, over there
(points)
will be the Howell Hospital and the High Rise Village. See?
SKIPPER
Well, isn't that gonna take a lot of money, Mister Howell?
MR HOWELL
My dear captain, what good are all my millions unless I put them into circulation?
MRS HOWELL
Well, of course, even if there isn't oil on the island. It's such a pleasant diversion.
MR HOWELL
That's so right. Ah, Professor!
PROFESSOR, MARY ANN, GINGER, AND SKIPPER
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
How would you like to be dean of your own university?
MRS. HOWELL, GILLIGAN, AND MR. HOWELL
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Founding father of Howell University right here on Howell Island.
GILLIGAN
That sounds great, Professor.
PROFESSOR, GINGER, MARY ANN, AND SKIPPER
SKIPPER
Oh, Gilligan, you know it's impossible.
PROFESSOR
Yes, Mister Howell, I'm afraid it is impossible.
MRS. HOWELL, GILLIGAN, AND MR. HOWELL
MR HOWELL
Nonsense. I'll double your salary.
PROFESSOR, GINGER, MARY ANN, AND SKIPPER
MARY ANN
(aside to Skipper)
Hasn't Gilligan told him he doesn't have any money left?
SKIPPER
(aside to Mary Ann)
I can't get him to say the words.
MRS. HOWELL, GILLIGAN, AND MR. HOWELL
MRS HOWELL
Thurston, why didn't you tell them about the six months' vacation with pay?
MR HOWELL
After they'd been with the company two weeks, of course.
PROFESSOR, GINGER, MARY ANN, AND SKIPPER
MR HOWELL (O.S.)
Oh, and you girls ...
MRS. HOWELL, GILLIGAN, AND MR. HOWELL
MR HOWELL
... were going to love the extra income you're going to get from your own little oil wells.
PROFESSOR, GINGER, MARY ANN, AND SKIPPER
MARY ANN
(skeptically)
Oil wells?
MRS. HOWELL, GILLIGAN, AND MR. HOWELL
MR HOWELL
Fringe benefits from Howell Company.
PROFESSOR, GINGER, MARY ANN, AND SKIPPER
SKIPPER
The Professor has something to say, don't you, Professor?
PROFESSOR
Mister Howell, there is something we must tell you.
MRS. HOWELL, GILLIGAN, AND MR. HOWELL
MR HOWELL
Uh, certainly. Go right ahead.
PROFESSOR, GINGER, MARY ANN, AND SKIPPER
PROFESSOR
Well, a certain matter has come to our attention, and since it concerns--
MRS. HOWELL, GILLIGAN, AND MR. HOWELL
The Howells look concerned and empathetic.
PROFESSOR, GINGER, MARY ANN, AND SKIPPER
PROFESSOR (O.S.)
But what I'm trying to say is that I--
MRS. HOWELL, GILLIGAN, AND MR. HOWELL
GILLIGAN
What he's trying to say, Mister Howell, is, um, you and Missus Howell are broke.
MR HOWELL
(lightly)
Broke, yeah.
(dead seriously)
Broke?
Mr. Howell puts a hand over his heart.
FLIP TO:
INT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY
Mr. Howell sits and Mrs. Howell stands behind him. Her hands rest on his shoulders.
MR HOWELL
I can't be poor, Lovey. I just can't! I don't know how.
MRS HOWELL
Try not to think of it, dear. Think of something pleasant. Think of all the friends we have.
MR HOWELL
Yes, and why do we have friends? I know that I'm an obnoxious, overbearing bore. The only reason people like me is because I am rich. Was rich.
MRS HOWELL
Oh.
Mrs. Howell pats his cheeks. Mr. Howell stands, walks over to a steamer chest, opens it, and shows a few bundles of cash.
MR HOWELL
I know. All we have left in the world is this cash I brought with us.
MRS HOWELL
So little, just a paltry few hundred thousand.
MR HOWELL
I know, I know. Petty cash. But, Lovey, Lovey, with my business sense and financial acumen,
(picks up radio)
with my awareness of the trends of the market.
(turns on radio; brings it to his table)
Must keep abreast of the current prices, I could take that money when we leave the island and pyramid it--
RADIO (V.O.)
(filtered)
Twenty rails up, two and seven eighths. Utilities, one moment, please. Another bulletin on the Howell situation. A government lien has been placed on all assets of the Howell Industries, ...
Mr. Howell takes bundles of the cash and hands them to Mrs. Howell. She puts the bundles in her cleavage. Mr. Howell stuff his pockets.
RADIO (V.O.) (cont'd)
(filtered)
... including foreign corporations and monies deposited in Swiss banks. Also lost is any cash Mister Howell happens to have in his possession. And the Treasury men state they will locate that cash no matter where it is.
Mrs. Howell gasps and grabs her breasts with both hands. She quietly removes the bundles of cash from her cleavage. She hands the bundles to Mr. Howell, who tosses them back in the steamer chest. Mr. Howell hugs Mrs. Howell.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
Skipper and Professor stand and discuss Mr. Howell's situation.
SKIPPER
Wow, Professor, I mean, to be rich all your life and then lose the bundle overnight? I can't think of anything tougher.
PROFESSOR
Well, knowing Mister Howell's character, I'm sure he's taking it like a man.
INT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY
Mr. Howell, seated at the table, sobs. Mrs. Howell paces back and forth and sobs. She carries a handkerchief. A KNOCK at the door.
MR HOWELL
Lovey, don't answer it. I don't want anyone to see me in my abject poverty.
Mr. Howell grabs the handkerchief and dabs his tears.
MRS HOWELL
Don't worry, dear. Even if your money's gone, you still have the wealthy Howell look.
Mr. Howell stands. Mrs. Howell answers the door.
MR HOWELL
Ah, yes. Blood will tell.
Mary Ann enters carrying a bouquet of flowers.
MRS HOWELL
Come in, my dear. Do come in.
MARY ANN
I'm not interrupting anything, am I?
MR HOWELL
No, no, no. It's very nice to see an old friend.
MR. HOWELL AND MARY ANN
MARY ANN
Oh, that's one thing you can always count on when you've lost everything. I mean, friendship does mean more than money, doesn't it?
MR. HOWELL OVER MARY ANN'S SHOULDER
MR HOWELL
Well, I know where you can get five to one against that.
MARY ANN
Oh, it's wonderful how you've kept your sense of humor.
MR HOWELL
Yes, laughter just keeps rolling down my cheeks.
MARY ANN
(turns to Mrs. Howell)
I picked some flowers for you.
BACK TO SCENE
MRS HOWELL
Oh, my favorites. Whatever they are.
MARY ANN
I'm sorry. They did have long stems, but they broke.
MR. HOWELL OVER MARY ANN'S SHOULDER
MR HOWELL
Broke? Must you use that word, "broke"?
MARY ANN
Busted?
MR HOWELL
Something less financial.
MR. HOWELL AND MARY ANN
MARY ANN
I'm sorry.
BACK TO SCENE
Mrs. Howell pats Mary Ann's shoulder.
MRS HOWELL
It's all right, dear. We understand.
MARY ANN
I just wanted you to know how I felt about you in your trouble.
MRS HOWELL
That dear little girl.
MR HOWELL
Yes, it was very considerate of her, wasn't it?
MRS HOWELL
Oh, darling, I told you you have lots of friends.
MR HOWELL
Yes, I never should have doubted it. Money is one thing, but when you have that Howell personality, people will flock to you like--
A bee BUZZES. Mr. Howell screams and flails his arms about.
MRS HOWELL
A bee!
MR HOWELL
A bee! A bee! Some sort of treachery. She with that crying act. Should have known it was my money after all.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Ah! I've been sutured.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. LAGOON WATERFALL - DAY
Mr. Howell tries to catch fresh water from the waterfall feeding the lagoon. He uses a pitcher on a pole. Skipper approaches from up the hill.
SKIPPER
How are you making out, Mister Howell?
MR HOWELL
Not very well.
SKIPPER AND MR. HOWELL
SKIPPER
Here, Mister Howell. Let me do that. You're going to fall in, I think. Put it right under the water.
MR HOWELL
Yes, I see. All right.
SKIPPER
SKIPPER
There we are, Mister Howell. Nice and full. I'll get this knot untied.
SKIPPER AND MR. HOWELL
Skipper grunts in untying the knot and spills the contents of the pineapple-shaped pitcher over Mr. Howell.
MR. HOWELL
reacts, but contains his frustration.
SKIPPER AND MR. HOWELL
SKIPPER (cont'd)
I'm sorry, Mister Howell.
MR. HOWELL
grabs a nearby tree.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. JUNGLE CLEARING - DAY
Professor crouches while applying glue with a brush to the damaged leg of the practice polo pony. Mr. Howell enters. Professor stands to greet Mr. Howell.
PROFESSOR
Well, hello, Mister Howell. Just finished fixing your practice polo pony here. Why don't you hop on and see how it feels?
MR HOWELL
I must say it's very sporty and very nice. Would you mind giving me a leg up as we say it at the Westbrook there?
Professor assists Mr. Howell with his stirrup and helps Mr. Howell onto the practice polo pony.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Here we go. Whoa! Sure
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
You, put the foot in the stirrup, would you?
PROFESSOR
Yes, sir.
Professor helps Mr. Howell put his other foot in the stirrup.
MR HOWELL
It's a fiery beast. Yo-ho! Yo! Yo! Go! Giddyap!
Mr. Howell falls to his left as the practice poly pony's leg gave way.
MR. HOWELL
lies on the ground with the pony between his legs.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
You wouldn't dare do this to Prince Philip.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. LAGOON BEACH - DAY
Gilligan and Ginger stand on the beach. Gilligan holds a fishing rod and reel. He casts the rod. Ginger mimes the casting of the rod, as if Gilligan teaches her how to fish.
GINGER
Whee!
GILLIGAN AND GINGER
GILLIGAN
Hey, I got a strike already.
Gilligan tries to reel in a fish.
GINGER
Oh, yeah, yeah, you got one! It must be a big one.
GILLIGAN
Yeah.
MR. HOWELL
emerges from the jungle.
GINGER (O.S.)
Ooh, that's great, Gilligan!
GILLIGAN (O.S.)
Yeah, boy.
BACK TO SCENE
Gilligan pulls on the rod. The fish flies.
MR. HOWELL
The fish hits Mr. Howell squarely in the face.
MR. HOWELL
falls backward onto the sand.
BACK TO SCENE
Ginger squeals in delight. Gilligan reels in the fish.
MR. HOWELL
lies flat on his back and then agonizingly sits up.
BACK TO SCENE
Gilligan tries to get the fish at the end of his line under control. Ginger squeals again.
MR. HOWELL
rises to his feet.
MR. HOWELL'S POV
He looks through the underbrush to see Ginger and Gilligan with the fishing rod. Ginger squeals. Gilligan laughs.
MR. HOWELL
MR HOWELL
Blue plate, was that? Invasion of privacy--
GINGER AND GILLIGAN
Gilligan laughs. Ginger squeals.
GILLIGAN
Yeah, there.
MR. HOWELL
MR HOWELL
Laughing at a defrocked millionaire.
Mr. Howells shakes his fist at them. He tears up.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. CAMP - DAY
MRS. HOWELL
reads a note and screams.
PULL BACK
as Gilligan, Ginger, Skipper, and Mary Ann run to her side. Professor follows.
SKIPPER
What is it, Missus Howell? What's the matter? Something wrong?
MRS HOWELL
It's--it's--it's Thurston. He's gone.
SKIPPER
Gone?
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Oh, no. He says he's gonna end it all.
Mr. Howell faints. Professor catches her.
GILLIGAN
I'll get her.
Gilligan tries to catch her, but falls onto the ground.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
EXT. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY
EXT. CAMP - DAY
Skipper and Gilligan stand. Mary Ann, Mrs. Howell, Ginger, and Professor sit at the dining table.
SKIPPER
I feel if we break up into three searching parties, we can cover the island faster.
PROFESSOR
Very good.
SKIPPER
Now, Professor, you and Ginger go out and search the caves.
Ginger and Professor stand and exit.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Gilligan and I will go out by the cliffs. Mary Ann, you and Missus Howell take the path down by the lagoon. Let's go.
Mary Ann and Mrs. Howell stand.
MRS HOWELL
Oh, I do hope they find him. The social register never be the same without the Howell name.
GILLIGAN
Oh, don't worry, Missus Howell. We'll find him, dead or alive.
Mrs. Howell cries.
MRS HOWELL
Oh!
GILLIGAN
I mean, alive or dead.
Skipper removes his cap and hits Gilligan with it.
SKIPPER
Gilligan, can't you stay away?
Mary Ann and Mrs. Howell exit. Gilligan runs into the jungle, closely followed by Skipper.
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
Mr. Howell shuffles through the jungle.
MR HOWELL
Shuffle off this mortal coil. If I were only home, the convenience is I could jump off a pile of my money, but--
(looks up)
A romantic palm tree on this desert isle.
(sees palm leaves)
Perhaps I could fasten a noose.
(wraps around neck)
Palm fronds are so rough. If only I had my cashmere sweater. Perhaps a cashmere tree somewhere.
Mr. Howell exits.
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
Professor and Ginger walk through the jungle.
PROFESSOR
Wait a minute. Let's go this way.
GINGER
I was just thinking--
PROFESSOR
Ginger, let's not waste time.
GINGER
No, look, I was once in a movie with Rock Hudson, and he played the wealthiest man in the world, and he lost all his money and he decided to kill himself.
PROFESSOR
That's a very similar situation. What did he do?
GINGER
Well, he walked to the top of this mountain, and there was this roaring river below, jagged rocks and everything, and bravely he walked to the edge.
PROFESSOR
Yes?
GINGER
And he took a deep breath.
PROFESSOR
Yes?
GINGER
And then--
PROFESSOR
He jumped.
GINGER
Don't be silly. They used a stuntman.
Professor turns and heads deeper into the jungle.
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
Mr. Howell wanders through the jungle, wondering how to end it all.
MR HOWELL
There must be a decent way to go. There must--
Mr. Howell recognizes wasubi plant and picks off a cluster of berries.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Ah, the dreaded wasubi berry. One succulent drop, your body's covered with hair, your teeth turn into fangs, your hands into claws. My mother-in-law must have had a batch of those.
He throws them to the ground. He turns and heads deeper into the jungle.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Tomorrow and tomorrow we rise. Mortal death will be our sting, Benny.
EXT. CLIFFS - DAY
Mr. Howell approaches a cliff.
MR. HOWELL
MR HOWELL
I think I'll just... jump over this cliff and end it all, and I'll give it a--
EXT. OCEAN BELOW CLIFFS - DAY
The ocean waters churn angrily.
EXT. CLIFFS - DAY
The view nauseates Mr. Howell. He grabs his belly.
MR HOWELL
Ooh! Why couldn't it have been a shorter cliff? No, I think I'll wade into the ocean like Frederick March or was it James Mason in the "Late Late Late Show." I can't go in the ocean while I'm on a salt-free diet.
EXT. FORESTED HILL - DAY
Gilligan climbs up the slope.
GILLIGAN
Mister Howell? Hey, Mister How--
Gilligan sees Mr. Howell up over the cliff.
EXT. CLIFFS - DAY
Mr. Howell peers over the edge of the cliff.
EXT. FORESTED HILL - DAY
Gilligan sees Mr. Howell.
GILLIGAN
Hey, Skipper! I found him!
Gilligan climbs up the hill.
EXT. CLIFFS - DAY
Mr. Howell can't stomach the cliff.
MR HOWELL
I think I'll go back to the hut and sit in a chair and die of old age like a true Howell.
GILLIGAN
reaches the top of the cliff, just behind Mr. Howell.
GILLIGAN
Mister Howell, don't jump! Don't jump, Mister Howell!
BACK TO SCENE
Gilligan runs toward Mr. Howell. He barely misses Mr. Howell and tumbles over the cliff. Mr. Howell sinks down to his hands and knees. He looks over the cliff edge.
MR HOWELL
Gilligan!
PULL BACK TO GILLIGAN
hanging from a branch about two feet below the cliff edge. Skipper reaches the top of the cliff behind Mr. Howell.
SKIPPER
Gilligan! Mister Howell!
MR HOWELL
He... He...
SKIPPER
Gilligan, I don't know what you did or how you did it, but you've done it again.
MR HOWELL
Skipper!
Skipper reaches over the cliff edge and extends his hand for Gilligan to take.
SKIPPER
Give me your hand, Gilligan.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. CAMP - DAY
Mrs. Howell, Professor, Ginger, and Mary Ann sit at the dining table. Gilligan, Mr. Howell, and Skipper emerge from the jungle.
MR HOWELL
The shock to my nervous system.
The seated castaways leap up to greet Mr. Howell.
MRS HOWELL
Thurston! Thurston, you're back! Oh, my darling!
MR HOWELL
Oh, the pleasure's all mine.
MRS HOWELL
Oh, thank you, everybody, for finding him.
SKIPPER
No, it's nothing at all, Missus Howell. Mister Howell.
MR HOWELL
Yes, Captain?
GINGER, SKIPPER, AND MARY ANN
SKIPPER
Well, I just want you to know, believe us, as long as we're all on this island together, it's not gonna make any difference...
PROFESSOR, GILLIGAN, MRS. HOWELL, MR. HOWELL
SKIPPER (O.S.)
... to any one of us whether you have any money or not.
GINGER, SKIPPER, AND MARY ANN
GINGER
But I just know that you'll have money, Mister Howell. I can feel it.
GINGER, SKIPPER, AND MARY ANN
GILLIGAN
Sure you will, Mister Howell. All you have to do is get a job and go to work.
MR HOWELL
Work?
MRS HOWELL
Where are you going, darling?
MR HOWELL
Back to the cliff. Goodbye.
BACK TO SCENE
The other castaways gather around Mr. Howell.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. BOYS HUT - DAY
Gilligan listens to Skipper as he paces around the hut.
SKIPPER
Won't eat, won't sleep, won't talk to anybody. I don't know.
GILLIGAN
All I said was you should get a job and go to work.
SKIPPER
That's it, Gilligan. You can't use that kind of language around Mister Howell.
Professor enters.
PROFESSOR
Gentlemen, I think I've got the answer.
SKIPPER
You have, Professor? What is it?
PROFESSOR
Well, being a millionaire all his life, Mister Howell realizes that's the only thing he's trained for.
GILLIGAN
Not too many jobs like that open.
PROFESSOR
We've got to help him. We've got to train the Howells to equip themselves to make a living when we leave the island.
SKIPPER
Exactly, Professor why, I, for one, I'd be glad to teach him all my seamanship.
PROFESSOR
Right, and I could teach him some of the things I know.
GILLIGAN
Yeah, and I--
SKIPPER
Mary Ann and Ginger, they could take Missus Howell in tow. They could do a lot of things.
PROFESSOR
Yeah, maybe Ginger could teach Missus Howell the things she does best: acting.
GILLIGAN
Maybe, maybe I, maybe I, maybe I, huh?
SKIPPER
What is it, Gilligan?
GILLIGAN
Maybe I could teach the Howells something, too, huh?
PROFESSOR
Fine, Gilligan, what is it that you do?
GILLIGAN
Well, I, um...
SKIPPER
Well, yes.
PROFESSOR
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
GILLIGAN
Well, I know how--
SKIPPER
Gilligan, what is it?
GILLIGAN
Well--
SKIPPER
What is it, Gilligan?
GILLIGAN
I fall down a lot.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY
Skipper and Mr. Howell exit the hut.
SKIPPER
Well, Mister Howell, if you learn some sort of a trade, then you can make a living.
MR HOWELL
Well, Missus Howell and I are overwhelmed by your help, but if you're going to teach me seamanship, just show me to the bridge, and I'll get the Queen Mary on her way.
SKIPPER
Wait a minute, Mister Howell, you know, you're not going to start at the top.
MR HOWELL
Uh, the Lurline? The first mate, maybe?
The exit.
INT. GIRLS HUT - DAY
Mrs. Howell sits at a small table. Mary Ann stands and shows Mrs. Howell how to sew. A notions box sits open on the table. Mrs. Howell holds up a measuring tape and a pin cushion.
MRS HOWELL
I know absolutely nothing about sewing.
MARY ANN
Well, it isn't very hard, Missus Howell, really.
(picks up fabric)
Now, look, we'll start with a very simple hem.
Mary Ann pushes the needle through the fabric and pulls a thread through.
MRS HOWELL
Oh, that looks wonderful. I'd love to do that.
MARY ANN
Now, you try. Here.
Mary Ann hands the needle and thread to Mrs. Howell. Mrs. Howell tries her hand at it.
MRS HOWELL
Oh, Thurston's going to be so proud of me.
Mrs. Howell makes stitches and pulls the thread through.
MARY ANN
That's right.
EXT. CAVE - DAY
Skipper and Mr. Howell stand in front of a cave entrance. Skipper holds a shovel. Behind Mr. Howell is a large pile of oyster shells.
SKIPPER
Now, Mister Howell, the fact that you might be getting a job on one of the older vessels, you will possibly have to stoke a furnace.
MR HOWELL
I'll go down with the ship first.
SKIPPER
Now, that's very funny, Mister Howell, but of course that's only for captains. Now, watch closely. This is a pile of coal, and the trick is, you scoop and toss all in the same motion.
Skipper demonstrates scooping and tossing in a single motion.
MR HOWELL
Oh, how vulgar.
SKIPPER
Now, just keep an eye on me now and watch this.
Skipper takes another shovelful of oyster shells and scoops them.
INT. GIRLS HUT - DAY
Mrs. Howell stitches and pulls the thread through. The notions box sits open. Mary Ann re-enters.
MARY ANN
Well, Missus Howell, let me see what you've done since I left.
MRS HOWELL
Oh, I do believe I'm getting the hang of it. I'll show you all the marvelous--
Mrs. Howell stands and brings the fabric to Mary Ann. Along with it comes the curtain and the tablecloth, which pulls everything off the table.
MRS HOWELL (cont'd)
I think I did something wrong.
EXT. CAVE - DAY
MR. HOWELL
sits on a boulder and sips a drink from a bamboo glass. It has a straw and a garnish.
MR HOWELL
I don't think I'd better attempt it quite yet. I still don't know the finer points. You better just keep showing me.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL
Skipper finishes scooping the oyster shells into the mouth of the cave.
EXT. CAMP -DAY
MRS. HOWELL
recites lines.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL
Ginger.
MRS HOWELL
(stiffly)
I am dying. I am dying. I am dying.
GINGER
Oh, no, no, no, Missus Howell. You've got to show much more feeling than that. You've got to live the part.
MRS HOWELL
Even when I'm dying?
GINGER
As method actors, we become the symbol of what we portray. Now, stand over there and watch.
(acting)
I'm dying. I'm dying. Dying. Dying. Dying. Dying. Dying.
MRS. HOWELL
watches Ginger's performance.
MRS HOWELL
That was a beautiful death.
GINGER
Break character.
GINGER
Please, I'm not finished yet.
MRS. HOWELL
GINGER
collapses on the ground.
MRS. HOWELL
claps.
MRS HOWELL
Oh, bravo, bravo. Isn't the method wonderful? Bravo!
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY
Mr. Howell paces between the two twin beds. Mrs. Howell and Gilligan, Skipper, and Professor stand near.
MR HOWELL
Domestic servants. I have never heard of anything so preposterous in my entire life.
MRS HOWELL
Well, darling, our money's all gone. I'm willing to try.
MR HOWELL
What did you ever cook?
MR. HOWELL AND MRS. HOWELL
MRS HOWELL
Well, I, uh, I visited the kitchens in some of the homes we used to own.
GILLIGAN, SKIPPER, AND PROFESSOR
PROFESSOR
You'd be living in the kind of surroundings you're accustomed to.
SKIPPER
Exactly, Mister Howell. And if you were a butler in one of those fancy houses, maybe you could pick up some tips on the stock market.
GILLIGAN
Yeah, like Howell Industries.
MR. HOWELL AND MRS. HOWELL
MR HOWELL
Gilligan, please. Of course, we are connoisseurs of gracious living.
GILLIGAN, SKIPPER, AND PROFESSOR
SKIPPER
Then you'll try, Mister Howell?
MR. HOWELL AND MRS. HOWELL
MR HOWELL
Why not? This island could stand a touch of, uh, gracious living.
GILLIGAN (O.S.)
Missus Howell, ...
GILLIGAN, SKIPPER, AND PROFESSOR
GILLIGAN
...will you cook us up some real fancy dishes?
MR. HOWELL AND MRS. HOWELL
MRS HOWELL
Oh, naturally, Gilligan. It'll be gourmet all the way.
GILLIGAN, SKIPPER, AND PROFESSOR
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. CAMP -DAY
Mr. Howell stands before the dining table. He's dressed in a butler uniform, with tuxedo tails, black bow tie, white shirt, white gloves, and a grass apron. Upon a small table stand five bottles of wine and a pepper shaker. Mr. Howell RINGS a hand bell.
MR HOWELL
Le dinner is served.
(in French)
S'il vous plaît.
Gilligan enters. Skipper, Mary Ann, and Professor enter from the jungle. Ginger enters.
GILLIGAN
Wow, that's table.
SKIPPER
Mister Howell, it's beautiful.
The castaways sit at the table. Mary Ann and Professor sit on the left. Gilligan and Ginger sit on the right. Skipper sits at the head of the table.
MR HOWELL
It is beautiful. Now, now, I return one moment with the soup du jour.
SKIPPER
Oh, good.
Mr. Howell exits.
PROFESSOR, SKIPPER, AND GILLIGAN
GILLIGAN
Skipper, Skipper, what's soup du jour?
SKIPPER
Oh, Gilligan, everybody knows what soup du jour is. For goodness' sake, it's the simplest words in the world.
GILLIGAN
You don't know either.
SKIPPER
I do, too, Gilligan, but I just don't want to show off. Now, tell them what it is, Professor.
PROFESSOR
Soup of the day.
BACK TO SCENE
Mr. Howell returns with a kettle of soup. He uses a ladle to distribute the soup to Ginger and Gilligan. He spills some soup on each of them.
MR HOWELL
Yes. The soup of the day. Here we are, c'est magnifique. La mademoiselle. So beautiful. Mon Cappetain. We love you, too, Monsieur, Professeur.
MR. HOWELL AND SKIPPER
SKIPPER
Would you mind putting some in the bowl, Mister Howell?
Mr. Howell ladles the soup into Skipper's bowl. Then he ladles some directly into Skipper's mouth.
MR HOWELL
In the bowl, as you like it. Taste it Capitaine?
Skipper spits it out.
SKIPPER
What is it?
MR HOWELL
Well, it's a combination of the magnificent cuisine from the master chef.
SKIPPER
Oh, never mind all that static, Mister Howell. What is it?
MR HOWELL
Seaweed soup.
SKIPPER
Seaweed soup?
BACK TO SCENE
Mrs. Howell enters carrying a large bowl of SALAD.
MRS HOWELL
Chéri, you will toss the salad, huh?
She puts the bowl on the corner of the dining table.
MR HOWELL
Yes, I will.
MRS HOWELL
I must go to the stove and cook the coconuts.
MR HOWELL
You take the soup du jour, ma chéri.
Mr. Howell hands the soup kettle to Mrs. Howell.
MRS HOWELL
Oui. The soup du jour.
SKIPPER
Take it as far as you can, Missus Howell.
PROFESSOR, SKIPPER, AND GILLIGAN
Mr. Howell moves to the salad bowl and tosses the salad.
MR HOWELL
Now we mix the salad. And there we go, bouzerine.
(pour wine on the salad; peppers it)
And we leave it over with the boiled sea cucumber. And we give it a shaky, shaky poo-poo.
(squeezes lemon)
And again, the whole eggs go in the soup.
(cracks egg into salad)
Now the last delicious ingredients. We go and soon we toss the salad.
Mr. Howell tosses the salad with the tools and the salad rains down on the them. Mrs. Howell enters.
MRS HOWELL
Oh, those silly, silly coconuts.
PROFESSOR, SKIPPER, MR. HOWELL, MRS. HOWELL, AND GILLIGAN
MRS HOWELL (cont'd)
I've cooked and cooked and cooked it and it won't get soft.
PROFESSOR
Missus Howell, you're not cooking those coconuts in the shell. Don't you realize that when the milk in those coconuts reaches a boiling point, there could be such an explosion that--
An EXPLOSION. A plume of smoke fills the air. Shredded coconut rains down on the castaways.
MR HOWELL
Good heavens! It's snowing shredded coconuts!
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWO
TAG
FADE IN:
EXT. OCEAN BEACH - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY
EXT. CAMP -DAY
Mary Ann enters camp from the jungle. She shows a written note to Skipper and Professor.
MARY ANN
Professor, Skipper, Mister Howell's gonna jump off the cliff!
SKIPPER
And this time, Missus Howell is going with him. Come on, let's go.
MARY ANN
Oh!
They exit into the jungle.
EXT. CLIFFS - DAY
Mr. Howell and Mrs. Howell stand at the top of a cliff. They wear formal clothing. Mr. Howells wears a light blue tuxedo. Mrs. Howell wears a tiara, earrings and a diamond necklace.
EXT. OCEAN BELOW CLIFFS - DAY
The ocean waters churn angrily.
EXT. CLIFFS - DAY
MRS. HOWELL AND MR. HOWELL
MR HOWELL
My darling, I always used to say, "If I can't take it with me, I won't go." Now there's nothing to keep me.
MRS HOWELL
You know, I really wouldn't mind being poor if it weren't just one thing.
MR HOWELL
What is that, my dear?
MRS HOWELL
Poverty.
MR HOWELL
You're so right.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL
Gilligan enters with the radio. He's followed by Ginger, Skipper, Professor, and Mary Ann.
GILLIGAN
Mister and Missus Howell! Mister and Missus Howell!
SKIPPER
Oh, wait, wait!
GILLIGAN
Hold on, listen to this.
RADIO (V.O.)
(filtered)
We repeat, the Howell financial structure is intact. It was the Powell, repeat, Powell, not Howell Industries that collapsed.
The castaways cheer!
MR HOWELL
And to think I was trying to kill myself. Good heavens, what have I succeeded?
Mr. Howell faints. Skipper and Gilligan catch him.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - DAY
FADE OUT.
THE END