TEASER

FADE IN:

EXT. JUNGLE - DAY

SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN

gather coconuts. Gilligan carries TWO LARGE BASKETS filled with coconuts. A bar across the back of Gilligan's shoulder's suspends the two baskets. Skipper carries nothing. They stop.

SKIPPER

Gilligan, don't you think it's clever of the Professor to have thought of this carrier? This is the way the Dutch girls carry milk.

GILLIGAN

No wonder they had to wear wooden shoes.

SKIPPER

And exactly what is that supposed to mean?

GILLIGAN

Well, maybe one coconut weighs nothing, maybe two coconuts weigh nothing. But fifty nothings weigh something. We got enough coconuts here to last six months.

SKIPPER

Well, let's get six more.

GILLIGAN

There's no more left to get.

SKIPPER

Gilligan, you're looking in the wrong direction.

FLIP TO:

EXT. PALM GROVE - DAY

PAN UP TALL PALM TREE

Gilligan lies atop the palm tree. He gathers coconuts and tosses them down for Skipper to pick up.

SKIPPER (O.S.)

Gilligan!

HIGH ANGLE

Skipper carries the baskets full of coconuts.

SKIPPER

I'll start back with these.

Skipper turns to exit.

GILLIGAN

sits atop the palm tree.

GILLIGAN

Here, "Gilligan do this, Gilligan do that."

(picks coconuts and tosses them down to the ground)

"Gilligan go here, Gilligan go there. Gilligan get this, Gilligan get that." I could just rest all day and take it easy if my name wasn't Gilligan. See that's five, Skipper said six. Well, I'm not gonna get him six. Yeah, I'll get him six. There it is, number six, come on baby.

(stretches for the sixth coconut)

Come on.

(falls from tree)

Help!

Gilligan hits the ground with a THUD.

FADE OUT

END OF TEASER

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

EXT. JUNGLE PATH - DAY

Skipper carries the baskets of coconuts through the jungle.

GILLIGAN (O.S.)

(falling)

Help!

Skipper turns, throws off the coconut basket carrier, and runs to help Gilligan.

GILLIGAN

Lies face down on the ground. Skipper rushes to his aid.

SKIPPER

Gilligan, Gilligan! Oh, my buddy. Oh, please. Speak to me.

Professor enters.

PROFESSOR

I heard a shout, Skipper, what happened?

SKIPPER

He must have fallen out of the tree, Professor.

PROFESSOR

Easy now, gently, gently. Let's turn him over.

SKIPPER

All right. Watch it now.

They work together to flip Gilligan onto his back.

PROFESSOR

There, careful. There we go.

Professor assesses Gilligan's condition.

PROFESSOR (cont'd)

Doesn't seem to be any broken bones. Probably just had the wind knocked out of him.

SKIPPER

Oh, he said we had enough coconuts and I made him climb that tree and get more. If anything happens to him I'll never forgive myself. Let's try and get him up.

PROFESSOR

Yes, let's get him on his feet.

SKIPPER

Up. Easy.

PROFESSOR

There you are.

Skipper and Professor ease Gilligan to his feet. Gilligan's head hangs low. Gilligan's hat covers his face. Gilligan raises his head and adjusts his hat to reveal his large, SWOLLEN NOSE.

PROFESSOR (cont'd)

Gilligan, Gilligan, take a deep breath.

SKIPPER

But breathe through your mouth little buddy.

FLIP TO:

EXT. CAMP - DAY

PROFESSOR AND GILLIGAN

Professor tends to Gilligan and his swollen nose. Gilligan sits and Professor sponges water from a bowl onto his nose. Gilligan pushes away the sponge.

PROFESSOR

Take it easy Gilligan, it's just a cold compress.

PROFESSOR, GILLIGAN, MRS. HOWELL, AND GINGER

The ladies stand.

MRS HOWELL

Oh, your poor, poor nose. It really is an awful mess.

MRS. HOWELL AND GINGER

MRS HOWELL (cont'd)

It's actually swollen to the size of a fifty-five carat diamond.

PROFESSOR AND GILLIGAN

PROFESSOR

Please, Missus Howell.

GILLIGAN

Professor it's broken, it's broken.

PROFESSOR

Gilligan I'm sure it's just bruised, it's only slightly swollen.

GINGER

GINGER

Slightly swollen? Gilligan, you better look out for the pelicans during mating season.

PROFESSOR AND GILLIGAN

PROFESSOR

(admonishingly)

Ginger!

GINGER

shrugs sheepishly.

BACK TO SCENE

GILLIGAN

Professor look it's just busted, you can see it go--

PROFESSOR

You ought to be happy to be alive Gilligan, you were lucky you fell in that soft sand.

GILLIGAN

Soft? Professor, look it's busted--

PROFESSOR AND GILLIGAN

PROFESSOR

You know something, this is the first real accident we've had since we were shipwrecked.

GILLIGAN

Big deal.

PROFESSOR

And I think we should be prepared for emergencies.

MRS. HOWELL AND GINGER

MRS HOWELL

Yes, we should. This could happen to any of us.

GINGER

Please, my career.

Ginger touches her nose.

PROFESSOR AND GILLIGAN

PROFESSOR

I have a medical book, I'm going to give everyone lessons in first aid.

MRS. HOWELL AND GINGER

MRS HOWELL

That's a marvelous idea, I used to be a nurse's aid.

PROFESSOR AND GILLIGAN

PROFESSOR

Oh, well, then you should know something about emergency treatment.

MRS. HOWELL

MRS HOWELL

Uh, not really, they took my picture quite often pouring tea. But I didn't know very much about aiding. I do make very good tea though.

PROFESSOR AND GILLIGAN

PROFESSOR

How about you, Ginger, have you had any experience as a nurse?

GINGER

GINGER

No, but I'm sure I'd be wonderful at it, I look very good in white.

PROFESSOR AND GILLIGAN

PROFESSOR

Alright Gilligan, you just apply this cold compress and that should take the swelling down.

Professor hands the sponge and water bowl to Gilligan.

GILLIGAN

I feel like Pinocchio.

BACK TO SCENE

MRS HOWELL

Gilligan you know that I--

PROFESSOR

Never mind Missus Howell, let's get started on our first aid lessons. Come along ladies, this way.

Professor ushers Mrs. Howell and Ginger away.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. CAMP - LATER

Mr. Howell lies down on a table. Mrs. Howell wraps a bandage around the splint on Mr. Howell's right calf.

PAN TO MARY ANN

wraps Mr. Howell's right hand in a bandage.

MARY ANN

Professor said to start with the wrist and then he'd go around--

MR HOWELL

Be careful of that wrist Mary Ann, that's the hand that signs checks.

PAN TO PROFESSOR AND GINGER

reads a medical book.

PROFESSOR

Now Ginger, suppose a man is lying unconscious. He's just suffered a severe concussion. What would you do?

CLOSE ON PROFESSOR AND GINGER

GINGER

I'd give him mouth to mouth resuscitation.

PROFESSOR

That wouldn't help.

GINGER

It wouldn't hurt.

PROFESSOR

You're supposed to cover him with a blanket to make sure he doesn't suffer from shock.

GINGER

And then I'd give him mouth to mouth resuscitation.

MRS HOWELL

shows the bow on the bandage on Mr. Howell's right calf.

MRS HOWELL

Is this alright?

Mrs. Howell points to her handiwork.

BACK TO SCENE

PROFESSOR

Oh, you don't need anything quite so elaborate.

MRS HOWELL

You don't think I'd have thirst in anything but gift wrapped?.

MR. HOWELL

MR HOWELL

Ah, class will tell.

Mr. Howell puckers a kiss to Mrs. Howell.

BACK TO SCENE

PROFESSOR

Now listen, an important point is how you turn an accident victim over. Now, Ginger, you place your hand underneath Mister Howell's shoulders.

Ginger moves into position with her hands under Mr. Howell's shoulders.

PROFESSOR (cont'd)

Missus Howell, you place your hands under his back.

Mrs. Howell switches positions with Mary Ann.

PROFESSOR (cont'd)

And Mary Ann, under his knees.

Mary Ann places her hands under Mr. Howell's knee.

PROFESSOR (cont'd)

Now, very gently, turn him over.

They roll Mr. Howell off of the table onto the ground. Mr. Howell hollers as he falls to the ground.

FLIP TO:

EXT. CAMP - LATER

PROFESSOR AND MR. HOWELL

Professor adjusts the sling around Mr. Howell's left arm.

PROFESSOR

Just a sprain Mister Howell, I'm sure it'll be better before you go to bed tonight.

MR HOWELL

Well I hope so. If it isn't I won't be able to cuddle my

(reveals teddy bear)

teddy--properly.

MRS HOWELL (O.S.)

Can you tell us what we did wrong last time Professor?

MARY ANN, MRS. HOWELL, GINGER, PROFESSOR, AND SKIPPER

Skipper lies on the table.

PROFESSOR

Now ladies, you're supposed to turn the patient over gently. You needn't push quite so hard.

SKIPPER

Do you want me to sort of help them? I mean kind of roll over like--

PROFESSOR

No no no, you're unconscious.

SKIPPER

Oh, that's right.

MRS HOWELL

Now, let's take it easy, girls. A little harder than that.

Mrs. Howell grasps Skipper belt.

GINGER

All together.

MARY ANN

Push.

GINGER

One, two, three.

Skipper rolls off the table onto the ground. Skipper hollers as he falls to the ground.

FLIP TO:

EXT. CAMP - LATER

Professor adjusts the sling around Skipper's left arm.

PROFESSOR

Now, it's just a sprain, Skipper. I'm sure it'll be better by the time you go to bed tonight.

SKIPPER

Thanks, Professor.

Mr. Howell enters and stands next to Professor.

MR HOWELL

I must say we make a handsome pair of bookends.

MARY ANN, MRS. HOWELL, AND GINGER

MRS HOWELL

This is dreadful, we're running out of victims!

MR. HOWELL, PROFESSOR, AND SKIPPER

PROFESSOR

Well, I guess I'll have to do this myself.

PAN ON PROFESSOR

as he moves to the table and climbs onto it.

PROFESSOR (cont'd)

Now ladies, I want you to listen to me very carefully. And I want you to do exactly what I tell you.

Professor lies back down on the table.

FLIP TO:

EXT. CAMP - DAY - LATER

MR. HOWELL, PROFESSOR, AND SKIPPER

wear matching slings on their left arms. Mr. Howell holds his teddy bear.

SKIPPER

Don't worry Professor, it's just a little sprain.

MR HOWELL

I'm sure it'll be better before you go to bed tonight.

PROFESSOR

But not the wrist I'm worried about.

PAN DOWN TO PROFESSOR'S RIGHT KNEE

PROFESSOR (cont'd)

I'd better exercise this knee before it begins to stiffen up on me.

Professor limps away.

FLIP TO:

EXT. LAGOON SHORE - DAY

Gilligan sits on a boulder and squeezes the sponge releasing the water it contained.

GILLIGAN

gently presses the sponge to his nose.

GILLIGAN

Ow.

BACK TO SCENE

Gilligan leans forward and looks at his reflection in the water.

RIPPLED REFLECTION OF GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

I don't know whether my nose is getting smaller or my face is getting bigger.

BACK TO SCENE

Skipper enters and still wears the sling on his right arm. Skipper pats Gilligan on his shoulder.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

Hi Skipper, what happened to you?

SKIPPER

Oh well, the Professor's giving us a first aid course for emergencies. But what he didn't say was that the first emergency would be the first aid course.

Skipper laughs.

SKIPPER (cont'd)

How's the nose little buddy?

GILLIGAN

Terrible.

SKIPPER

Well, the Professor said it'd be a while before that swelling went down.

GILLIGAN

Skipper, I think it's going to stay this way. You know I wasn't too handsome to begin with. But now this nose looks like something that should be hanging in a delicatessen store.

SKIPPER

It's all my fault, I ordered you up that tree.

GILLIGAN

Skipper, it's not your fault.

SKIPPER

It is, and I'll never give you another order.

GILLIGAN

Skipper, you didn't make me fall.

SKIPPER

Gilligan, no matter what you say. I mean, we're not aboard ship anymore. It's my fault, it's my fault, I shouldn't give you orders. And I'll never give you another order.

GILLIGAN

Skipper you're not to blame, it's all my fault.

SKIPPER

It was mine and that's an order.

Gilligan salutes.

GILLIGAN

Aye-aye, sir!

And hits his own nose, causing him pain. Skipper tries to comfort Gilligan, but uses his left arm, which causes Skipper pain and he cries out. Professor enters.

PROFESSOR

Hi, Gilligan. Say, how's that nose coming along?

GILLIGAN

(notices sling on Professor)

What happened to you? I didn't know broken arms were contagious.

PROFESSOR

Our arms aren't broken Gilligan, they're just sprained from our first aid course.

SKIPPER

I wish you'd never found that chapter in the medical book.

GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

That medical book, does that have a chapter on operations? I mean could you, like, fix my broken nose?

SKIPPER AND PROFESSOR

SKIPPER

It must have, right after that chapter on first aid.

PROFESSOR

Gilligan your nose isn't broken, it's just bruised. Now you keep applying those cold compresses...

GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

No more water, I'll drown.

SKIPPER AND PROFESSOR

PROFESSOR

... and in a few days the swelling will be gone.

GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

No it won't because it's broken, will you operate?

BACK TO SCENE

SKIPPER

Gilligan when the Professor says your nose isn't broken, your nose isn't broken. If it was broken it would hurt right here.

Skipper touches Gilligan's nose very gently. Gilligan recoils from the pain.

GILLIGAN

You see, it is broken!

SKIPPER AND PROFESSOR

SKIPPER

Gilligan, your nose isn't broken. Keep saying it to yourself: "My nose isn't broken, my nose isn't broken."

BACK TO SCENE

GILLIGAN

Skipper, I know your nose isn't broken! My nose is broken!

FLIP TO:

INT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY

Mr. Howell enters, still wearing his sling. Mrs. Howell shows off the sling she created.

MR HOWELL

Hi, Lovey.

MRS HOWELL

Oh where have you been dear? I just finished your beautiful new sling.

MR HOWELL

Oh, thank you, yes. I've just come from seeing Gilligan.

Mr. Howell sits at the table.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

Oh, it's terrible, every time I see that poor boy's nose I think of inflation.

MRS HOWELL

Let me try on your new sling, darling.

Mrs. Howell puts the new sling over Mr. Howell's head.

MR HOWELL

Darling be very very careful, that's nice. There must be something we can do for Gilligan.

MRS HOWELL

Yes, maybe I should go over and cheer him up, after all a nose isn't everything.

Mrs. Howell ties the sling tighter.

MR HOWELL

It is if you're an anteater.

(feels the tightening sling)

Oh, Lovey.

ZOOM TO MRS. HOWELL

MRS HOWELL

Oh, I'm sorry, dear. You know I really must convince Gilligan that a nose doesn't make a man.

FLIP TO:

INT. BOYS HUT - DAY

Gilligan stands and looks in the mirror. Mrs. Howell KNOCKS at the door.

GILLIGAN

Come in.

Mrs. Howell enters. Gilligan turns to her.

MRS HOWELL

Oh, there you are Gilligan, I've been looking for you everywhere.

GILLIGAN

I'm not hard to find, just look for my nose I'll be somewhere near it.

MRS HOWELL

Yes, now let me take a good look at you.

Mrs. Howell raises her lorgnette to her eyes. Gilligan raises his left hand to hide from her gaze.

GILLIGAN

No, Missus Howell, I'm a mess.

Gilligan moves to the hammocks. Mrs. Howell follows him.

MRS HOWELL

(in French)

Oh, au contraire.

GILLIGAN

Is it that bad?

MRS HOWELL

Oh,

(in French)

au contraire

(in English)

means "on the contrary." I think your new nose is marvelous.

MRS. HOWELL

MRS HOWELL (cont'd)

It really adds a great deal to your face.

GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

Yeah, two pounds.

MRS. HOWELL

MRS HOWELL

I mean, it fits your face so well, you're much more attractive this way.

GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

I am?

MRS HOWELL (O.S.)

Oh yes, you're so rugged, so ...

MRS. HOWELL

MRS HOWELL

... masculine. It's a real man's nose.

GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

I should hope so, you never saw anything like this on Miss America.

MRS. HOWELL

MRS HOWELL

That's true, but I think you're very fortunate to have had this accident. This nose gives your face such strength.

GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

Good, by face I mean a lot more strength to carry it around.

Gilligan drops his head and pushes it back up with his hand.

FLIP TO:

EXT. JUNGLE PATH - DAY

Ginger walks long the jungle path. She stops to primp. Ginger finds Gilligan sitting on a log working on a fish trap.

GILLIGAN

Ginger stands next to Gilligan.

GILLIGAN

Hi Ginger.

GINGER (O.S.)

Hi, Gilligan.

BACK TO SCENE

GINGER

Can I sit down?

GILLIGAN

Sure.

Ginger sits next to Gilligan.

GINGER

What are you doing?

GILLIGAN

I'm making a new fish trap, the old one broke.

GILLIGAN AND GINGER

GINGER

(sultry)

You wouldn't have to make a trap to catch me.

GILLIGAN

Huh?

GINGER

(sultry)

You know, Gilligan, there's something about your face that, I don't know, it's irresistible now.

GILLIGAN

Must be my nose.

GINGER

Oh yeah, yeah it's your nose, it's so, it's a--

GILLIGAN

Masculine?

GINGER

Exactly, your face is rugged now, it just gives it so much strength.

GILLIGAN

That's exactly what Missus Howell said.

GINGER

(sultry)

She's right, you've become so attractive Gilligan. You know, you look like Cyrano de Bergerac now.

GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

Cyra-who de Berge-what?

GINGER

GINGER

Cyrano de Bergerac. Oh, he was a man with an odd looking nose. And the most beautiful woman in the world was in love with him: Roxanne.

GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

Oh, that's a beautiful name.

GINGER

GINGER

(sultry)

Yeah, Roxanne.

GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

No, Cyrano de Bergerac.

GILLIGAN AND GINGER

GINGER

You know, all through history, women have been attracted to men with interesting noses.

GILLIGAN

And my nose is interesting?

GINGER

(sultry)

Very, how about a little kiss Gilligan?

GILLIGAN

Sure.

Ginger closes her eyes and puckers but Gilligan turns his attention back to the fish trap. Ginger waits a moment kiss-less and then opens her eyes.

GINGER

Well?

GILLIGAN

How about a week from tomorrow?

GINGER

A week from tomorrow?

GILLIGAN

Yeah, by then my nose won't hurt if it touches you.

FLIP TO:

INT. BOYS HUT - DAY

Gilligan proudly looks at himself in the mirror.

GILLIGAN

If I thought a nose like this would make girls throw themselves at my feet, I busted it years ago. That would've made me look handsome enough.

Mary Ann appears at the door. She KNOCKS.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

Come in.

Mary Ann enters.

MARY ANN

Hi, Gilligan.

GILLIGAN

Oh, hi, Mary Ann.

MARY ANN

Uh, there's gonna be a full moon tonight, I was wondering if you'd like to take a walk with me.

GILLIGAN

(coyly)

Well, maybe so.

MARY ANN

Gee, Gilligan, I always have liked you but, well somehow now it's--

GILLIGAN

It's my nose.

MARY ANN

I guess you're right.

Gilligan moves to a large vertical BAMBOO POLE. Mary Ann moves to the other side of the bamboo pole.

GILLIGAN

Of course, it's been that way down through history. Take Roxanne and Cyrano de Bergerac.

MARY ANN

That's right.

GILLIGAN

All three of them settle down and live happily ever after.

MARY ANN

(puzzled)

All three of them?

GILLIGAN

Uh-huh, Roxanne, Cyrano and his nose.

MARY ANN

Gilligan, I think it's wonderful the way you've adjusted.

GILLIGAN

Yeah, I thought the accident might spoil my looks, turns out I needed it.

Mary Ann kisses her finger and then gently touches her finger to Gilligan's nose.

MARY ANN

Until tonight.

Gilligan turns back to the mirror and walks over to it. He looks at his own reflection proudly.

GILLIGAN

Well, I guess some guys got it and some guys don't.

FLIP TO:

EXT. LAGOON SHORE - DAY

Mrs. Howell, Mary Ann, and Ginger pick avocados. Ginger holds a basket while Mrs. Howell plucks avocados from a tree. She hands an avocado to Mary Ann.

MARY ANN

It worked like a charm Misses Howell. Gilligan really thinks he looks better with his new nose.

Mary Ann places the avocado into Ginger's basket. Mrs. Howell plucks another avocado.

GINGER

That's right, he believed every word. It's a lucky thing I'm such a good actress.

MRS HOWELL

Oh, that poor boy. You know we've got to keep saying these things until he gets used to his new looks. Now, run along girls, we mustn't let Gilligan know our plan.

The girls exit.

PAN DOWN TO GILLIGAN

who sits on the ground obscured from the girls' view by a large boulder. After they leave, Gilligan stands and drags his fish trap behind him. He stands the fish trap on end and sits down on another boulder. He picks up a SMALL ROCK. Gilligan leans forward.

GILLIGAN'S REFLECTION IN THE WATER

Gilligan looks at himself in the water. Disgusted by the girls' ruse, he throws the small rock at this reflection. The water ripples.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

EXT. ISLAND - DAY

ESTABLISHING SHOT

EXT. CAMP - DAY

GILLIGAN

sits on a table as Professor examines Gilligan's nose.

PULL BACK TO PROFESSOR AND GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

Professor, you've got to fix my nose. I don't like it anymore, I hate it. Everybody hates the way I look. Professor, you've just got to operate on me, you've got to fix it.

PROFESSOR

PROFESSOR

I'm afraid I'm going to have to operate after all.

GILLIGAN

shakes his head.

GILLIGAN

I won't take no for an answer. You've got the medical book, it tells you how to operate, operate on my nose and fix it.

PROFESSOR

PROFESSOR

Gilligan, I said I'd operate.

GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

I don't care what you said, I want you to operate on my nose and fix it.

PROFESSOR

PROFESSOR

Gilligan, I said I was going to operate.

GILLIGAN

changes his tone.

GILLIGAN

That's better.

PROFESSOR

PROFESSOR

Yes, I thought it was merely swollen but I'm afraid I was wrong. We'll set up an operating room, I'll get the girls to assist me and I'll perform the operation.

GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

You will?

PROFESSOR (O.S.)

Yes.

BACK TO SCENE

PROFESSOR

You prepare for surgery in the morning.

Professor pats Gilligan on the shoulder and exits.

ZOOM ON GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

Professor, I'd be more than happy to prepare for surgery.

Gilligan faints and falls backward on the table.

FLIP TO:

INT. CAMP - DAY

Professor adjusts a CANDLE which provides heat to a gourd as part of Professor's medical apparatus. Professor adjusts another gourd. Gilligan enters.

GILLIGAN

Hi, Professor.

PROFESSOR

Ah, Gilligan. I've got good news. Just finished cooking up an anesthetic for you.

GILLIGAN

Anes--?

GILLIGAN AND PROFESSOR

PROFESSOR

Anesthetic, to put you to sleep during the operation.

REVERSE ANGLE

GILLIGAN

If I go to sleep I'll miss everything.

GILLIGAN AND PROFESSOR

PROFESSOR

Would you rather stay up?

REVERSE ANGLE

Gilligan nods.

GILLIGAN

Keep cooking.

BACK TO SCENE

PROFESSOR

You see, Gilligan, there are various plants and roots here on the island which are analgesic in nature. Due to the presence of nitrous oxide compound. And in the concentrated form they should make an effective anesthetic.

GILLIGAN

It figures.

PROFESSOR

I think that's enough heat.

GILLIGAN

Is that the stuff?

PROFESSOR

That's it.

GILLIGAN

Ah.

Professor removes the gourd from the candle's flame and sets it aside on the table. Professor turns and picks up a reference book and turns his back to Gilligan. As Professor reads the book, Gilligan sees the gourd and bends over the gourd.

GILLIGAN

sniffs and then straightens up.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

I don't smell a thing.

PROFESSOR

reads his book.

PROFESSOR

Gilligan, don't breathe that.

GILLIGAN

bends over and inhales the fumes from the gourd. He straightens up again.

GILLIGAN

I don't feel a thing, I don't smell a thing.

PROFESSOR

reads his book.

GILLIGAN (O.S.)

You know, Professor, ...

GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

... I was worried about the operation before. But I'm not worried anymore because you're being so careful.

Gilligan laughs maniacally.

PROFESSOR

turns to Gilligan.

GILLIGAN

sheepishly looks away.

PROFESSOR

breaks a hint of a smile.

PROFESSOR

Gilligan, I think you'd better sit down.

GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

Why? I feel just fine. It probably just needs some more roots or

(slower and slower speech)

flowers.

PROFESSOR

observes Gilligan's response to the anesthetic.

BACK TO SCENE

Gilligan locks eyes with Professor. Gilligan slowly leans forward.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

(slowly)

Are you sure this is the added stuff that's supposed to work on me? Because it doesn't have any effect at all.

Gilligan falls into Professor's arms. Professor holds Gilligan.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. JUNGLE - DAY

Skipper hustles along the jungle path. He stops, turns, and calls to Gilligan.

SKIPPER

Come on, Gilligan, hurry up!

Gilligan runs to Skipper.

GILLIGAN

What's the hurry?

SKIPPER

Well it's just the idea, I have a wonderful surprise for you.

GILLIGAN

A surprise? What is it?

SKIPPER

Well, certainly the fact that the Professor's going to operate. There's no reason why you shouldn't have any shaped nose that you want.

GILLIGAN

You mean instead of my own?

SKIPPER

Right. I mean how would it be to have a nose like Cary Grant?

GILLIGAN

Yeah, Cary Grant.

SKIPPER

Or maybe Jack Lemmon or Jimmy Stewart or even Julie Andrews.

GILLIGAN

No, not Julie Andrews, I'd look pretty silly with a girl's nose.

SKIPPER

With noses it doesn't make any difference. Gilligan, boys and girls it's all the same.

GILLIGAN

Yeah, but I have to powder it and everything.

SKIPPER

Oh, I forget that I mentioned Julie Andrews' nose. But what about the others?

GILLIGAN

Sounds great.

SKIPPER

Well, wonderful, come on Gilligan.

Skipper pulls Gilligan further along the path.

FLIP TO:

EXT. JUNGLE - DAY

SKIPPER'S HANDS

mix clay in a bucket.

PULL BACK TO

Gilligan sitting in a chair with a grass apron covering him from the shoulders down. Gilligan has a bandana covering his hair. Mr. Howell stands behind Gilligan. Skipper squeezes the clay between his fingers.

SKIPPER

I think it's the right consistency now.

MR HOWELL

Yes, I've got this apron on to keep him tidy.

SKIPPER

Oh, very good.

GILLIGAN

Hey Skipper, Skipper. What is that stuff?

SKIPPER

Gilligan, this is clay. Now we're going to make an exact duplicate of your head. Then we can try different noses on it.

Skipper reaches into the bucket and pulls out a wad of clay. He lays the wad on top of the bandana on Gilligan's head.

GILLIGAN

sits while Skipper spreads out the clay over his head.

MR HOWELL (O.S.)

Would you like a nose ....

MR. HOWELL

MR HOWELL

... like mine? You see the Howell nose is something special.

GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

It doesn't look so special to me.

Skipper places another wad of clay on Gilligan's head. Gilligan winces.

MR. HOWELL

MR HOWELL

Not the looks, the nostrils. We smell money for ten miles.

GILLIGAN

smiles.

SKIPPER

SKIPPER

Ginger and Mary Ann are making different noses. So you'll have some to choose from. Ginger knows all ...

GILLIGAN

SKIPPER (O.S.)

... the movie stars.

BACK TO SCENE

SKIPPER

Now, Mister Howell, why don't you help me instead of just standing there?

Mr. Howell reaches into the bucket and feels the clay.

MR HOWELL

All right, oh, ,say this, this is squishy.

GILLIGAN

sits as Skipper covers his forehead with clay. Mr. Howell joins in, spreading clay on the left side of Gilligan's head.

MR HOWELL (V.O.)

I wonder, is this anything like making mud pies?

SKIPPER

SKIPPER

You never made mud pies when you were a kid?

MR. HOWELL

MR HOWELL

No, Mother had the butler do it for me.

SKIPPER

SKIPPER

Gosh, you sure missed a lot when you were young.

Skipper laughs.

MR. HOWELL

MR HOWELL

It had its advantage. He took my spankings, too.

GILLIGAN

Skipper and Mr. Howell continue to spread clay on Gilligan's head, nearly covering it completely.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

I wonder if Michelangelo got started this way.

FLIP TO:

EXT. JUNGLE - DAY - LATER

GILLIGAN

sits with the grass apron up to his neck. The clay covers his head, with holes for his eyes, nose and mouth barely discernible. Gilligan feels the clay head with his fingers. He raps his knuckles against the dried cray.

GILLIGAN (V.O.)

(muffled)

Skipper was right, it did dry fast. I better go tell him it's ready to come off.

Gilligan stands, turns, and exits.

EXT. CAMP - DAY

Mary Ann and Ginger stand at the dining table outside the boys hut. They have a small amount of fine clay that they're modeling into celebrity noses.

MARY ANN

We've got enough clay for a dozen noses.

GINGER

Unless we try for Jimmy Durante.

MARY ANN

presses her fingers into the small ball of clay to form a hose. She looks up. Her brow furrows.

GILLIGAN

emerges from the jungle. He looks alien, with the clay head and grass apron.

MARY ANN

MARY ANN

Ginger.

GINGER

turns from her clay modeling to look at Mary Ann.

GINGER

What is it?

Ginger looks in the same direction Mary Ann looks. Her eyes grow wide.

GILLIGAN

speaks to the girls.

GILLIGAN (V.O.)

(muffled)

Have you seen the Skipper?

MARY ANN AND GINGER

scream, turn, and flee into the jungle.

MARY ANN/GINGER

Oh!

GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN (V.O.)

(muffled)

I wonder what scared them?

He walks over the dining table where they had been modeling clay noses.

GILLIGAN (V.O.) (cont'd)

(echoing)

What is it?

Gilligan pursues them into the jungle.

EXT. JUNGLE PATH - DAY

GINGER AND MARY ANN

run down the path. They pause and look behind them.

MARY ANN

Oh, it's still after us

They turn and flee.

FLIP TO:

INT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY

MRS HOWELL

sits at her vanity table. Before her are bottles. A mirror hangs on the wall in front of her. Gilligan appears in the mirror. He knocks on the door frame.

MRS HOWELL

Come in.

Mrs. Howell glances at Gilligan in the clay head and grass apron. She screams, stands, and turns to Gilligan as he enters.

MRS HOWELL (cont'd)

Get away from me you, you, you thing!

Mrs. Howell flees.

GILLIGAN (V.O.)

(echoing)

What's the matter with her?

(turns to vanity)

What's gotten into everybody?

Gilligan hunches down to look in the mirror and finally sees what has scared the women. He also screams, turns, and flees.

FLIP TO:

EXT. JUNGLE - DAY

Gilligan sits in the clay modeling chair. Mr. Howell removes the grass apron.

SKIPPER

Gilligan, what's the matter with you running around frightening the women the way you've been doing?

GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN (V.O.)

(echoing)

I'm sorry Skipper, but I'm even fighting myself.

SKIPPER

touches the clay head to see if it is dry.

SKIPPER

Well Mister Howell, if you'll help me, I think this is dry enough to remove.

MR. HOWELL

MR HOWELL

Skipper, would you make a statue of me like this? Not just the head, but the whole big adorable me.

SKIPPER

smiles.

SKIPPER

Why, certainly, Mister Howell.

(looks concerned)

My gosh, ...

BACK TO SCENE

SKIPPER (cont'd)

I forgot to put a divider in this.

MR HOWELL

A divider?

SKIPPER

SKIPPER

Yes, a cardboard piece down the middle so that we could separate it in two parts and take it off.

GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN (V.O.)

(echoing)

You mean you can't get me out of here?

SKIPPER

SKIPPER

Take it easy now little buddy, just take it easy.

MR. HOWELL

MR HOWELL

It'd save you time combing your hair in the morning.

GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN (V.O.)

(echoing)

Let me out of here!

BACK TO SCENE

GILLIGAN (V.O.) (cont'd)

Let me out of here!

Skipper holds a mallet in one hand and a chisel in the other.

SKIPPER

All right Gilligan, just a moment.

GILLIGAN (V.O.)

(echoing)

Let me out!

Skipper places the chisel at the top of Gilligan's clay head and hits it with the mallet with a loud CLANG. Gilligan stops yelling.

SKIPPER

Gilligan?

Mr. Howell feels Gilligan's shoulder and chest to make sure he's still alive.

SKIPPER (cont'd)

Gilligan, are you all right?

ZOOM ON

Skipper, Gilligan and Mr. Howell.

GILLIGAN (V.O.)

(echoing, whiny)

Yes, Skipper, but make sure you stop when you get to the real me.

SKIPPER

Of course, Little Buddy.

Skipper places the chisel back at the top of the clay head.

FLIP TO:

EXT. CAMP - LATER

GILLIGAN

looks at his own face, ears, and neck made in clay, minus a nose.

GILLIGAN

You were right Skipper, it looks just like me.

PULL BACK TO SCENE

Ginger appears with a tray of modeled noses, each with its own label. Mary Ann leans forward.

GINGER

Your noses, sir.

CLOSE ON

tray of noses: Burt Lancaster, Gregory Peck, Cary Grant, and John Wayne.

PAN OVER

the tray, revealing modeled noses of James Garner, Richard Burton, Tony Curtis, Jack Lemmon, and Jimmy Stewart.

GILLIGAN

takes the Richard Burton nose and places it onto his clay face.

GILLIGAN

Oh. Me with Richard Burton's nose. Just think how close it's been to Elizabeth Taylor.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. ISLAND - DAY

ESTABLISHING SHOT

INT./EXT. SUPPLY HUT - DAY

THROUGH THE DOOR

Professor leans over the pot suspended from the tripod over the fire and scrubs up with a sponge. The water in the pot bubbles.

BACK TO SCENE

Mrs. Howell, Mr. Howell (wears a PITH HELMET), Skipper (holds "Medicine Made Easy" BOOK), Mary Ann, and Ginger stand waiting, dressed in SCRUBS, SURGICAL MASKS, and GLOVES. Gilligan lays down on an "operating" table.

MRS HOWELL

This is terribly exciting.

GINGER

Oh it reminds me of a part I played in a movie, I was a nurse in an operating room.

GINGER

GINGER (cont'd)

And that scene had a happy ending.

GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

Well maybe the same thing happened to me, huh?

GINGER

GINGER

I doubt it, that patient had twins.

GILLIGAN

turns away from Ginger.

BACK TO SCENE

Professor enters holding his scrubbed hands up.

PROFESSOR

Well, everyone ready?

MRS HOWELL

Yes.

MR HOWELL

Yes.

SKIPPER

Yes.

MARY ANN

Yes.

GINGER

Yes.

Gilligan sits up abruptly.

GILLIGAN

No!

Gilligan lies back down.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

Maybe, maybe I'll feel better if you're like Doctor Ben Casey, huh?

PROFESSOR AND GINGER

Gilligan's hand reaches up and tears at Professor's scrubs and rips a hole in it.

MRS. HOWELL AND MR. HOWELL

MR HOWELL

Well, if he's gonna look like

(removes pith helmet)

Doctor Casey, I'm gonna look like Doctor Zorba.

Mr. Howell teases his hair into a friz.

PROFESSOR AND GINGER

Ginger assists Professor with his surgical gloves. Right glove first.

PROFESSOR

Mister Howell, will you please administer the anesthetic?

MRS. HOWELL AND MR. HOWELL

PROFESSOR (O.S.)

Missus Howell, you be the head nurse.

PROFESSOR AND GINGER

Ginger assists Professor with his left glove.

PROFESSOR

Ginger, Mary Ann, you assist Missus Howell.

SKIPPER AND MARY ANN

Skipper holds the "Medicine Made Easy" book.

SKIPPER

What do I do, Professor?

PROFESSOR (O.S.)

Well, you've got the medical book there Skipper.

PROFESSOR AND GINGER

PROFESSOR

You hold it open while I read the instructions.

BACK TO SCENE

Gilligan gasps and sits up.

GILLIGAN

Oh, no.

Ginger pushes him back down and Mary Ann holds him down.

MRS. HOWELL AND MR. HOWELL

MR HOWELL

Yes, and whatever you do Skipper, don't skip two pages or this boy will be minus his appendix.

BACK TO SCENE

Gilligan sits up again.

GILLIGAN

Maybe we'll wait till tomorrow, I think we should--

Gilligan lies back down.

PROFESSOR AND GINGER

PROFESSOR

Alright, we're all set. Mister Howell, would you please administer the anesthetic?

GILLIGAN

looks up at the Howells.

MR HOWELL (O.S.)

Easy, just breathe deep Gilligan, ...

MRS. AND MR. HOWELL

Mr. Howell demonstrates by holding the SPONGE over a CLOTH. He breathes in the anesthetic fumes.

MR HOWELL

... like this. Take a nice deep breath of this anes--and you-- Oh, oh my goodness, I feel faint, I feel faint.

GILLIGAN

looks concerned.

MRS. HOWELL AND MR. HOWELL

Mrs. Howell holds Mr. Howell to keep him from falling over.

MRS HOWELL

Thurston's always been very squeamish. I remember he passed out cold when I had my ears pierced.

PROFESSOR AND GINGER

PROFESSOR

Missus Howell, you better tend to him.

BACK TO SCENE

Mrs. Howell guides Mr. Howell out of the hut. They exit. Gilligan sits up.

GILLIGAN

Yeah, yeah, maybe you better tend to him, we can take this all over tomorrow.

Gilligan lies back down.

SKIPPER

Just relax little buddy.

PROFESSOR

Perfectly alright. Now Skipper, will you administer the anesthetic please?

SKIPPER

Certainly.

Skipper places the book down.

PROFESSOR AND GINGER

PROFESSOR

Gilligan, count backwards from a hundred.

GILLIGAN

Skipper's gloved hand squeezes the sponge, dripping anesthetic onto the cloth covering Gilligan's nose and mouth.

GILLIGAN

Hundred, ninety-nine, ninety-eight, ninety-seven, ninety-six, ninety-uh.

SKIPPER

Five.

Skipper pulls the cloth up further on Gilligan's nose.

GILLIGAN

Ninety-five, ninety-four, ninety-three--

RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:

DREAM SEQUENCE - INT. OPERATING ROOM - DAY

GILLIGAN

lies on the surgical table.

GILLIGAN

Seventy-three, seventy-two, seventy-one--

LOW ANGLE ON MARY ANN, PROFESSOR AND GINGER

PROFESSOR

Scalpel.

Professor holds his hands palms-up. Ginger places a SCALPEL in Professor's left hand.

GINGER

Scalpel.

Professor looks at the "scalpel," a rather large knife for such a delicate operation.

GILLIGAN

slows counting as he falls asleep.

GILLIGAN

Seventy, sixty-five--

LOW ANGLE ON MARY ANN, PROFESSOR AND GINGER

PROFESSOR

Sponge.

Professor holds his right hand out.

MARY ANN

Sponge.

Mary Ann places a sponge the size of a person's head in Professor's hand. He grasps it with both hands.

GILLIGAN

barely keeps his eyes open.

GILLIGAN

Fifty-five.

LOW ANGLE ON MARY ANN, PROFESSOR AND GINGER

PROFESSOR

The book.

SKIPPER

The book.

Skipper holds the "Medicine Made Easy" book so Professor can read it. Professor quickly reads a relevant passage.

GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

Sixty-two.

END DREAM SEQUENCE.

RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:

INT. BOYS HUT - DAY

GILLIGAN

lies in his hammock. A bandage covers his nose and wraps around the back of his head. Gilligan touches the bandages and then he impatiently raps his fingers on his chest. He touches the bandages again and then raps his fingers his chest.

PULL BACK TO

Skipper lies in the lower hammock. He reads a "Navy Regulations" book.

GILLIGAN

Hey Skipper, what time is it?

Skipper closes the book.

SKIPPER

Gilligan, it's a minute and a half later than the last time you asked me.

Skipper gives an aside glance. Then he reopens the book.

GILLIGAN

Skipper, do you realize at ten o'clock today it'll be five days and the Professor will take the bandage off?

SKIPPER

I know.

Gilligan returns to rapping his fingers on his chest.

GILLIGAN

Skipper, what time is it?

Skipper closes the book again and rolls out of the lower hammock. He stands.

SKIPPER

Gilligan, let's get up and go and see the Professor, maybe he'll give you an hour off for good behavior.

Gilligan rolls out of his hammock.

GILLIGAN

Yeah.

Gilligan moves toward the door.

FLIP TO:

EXT. CAMP - DAY

Professor sits in front of Gilligan. Behind Professor, the other castaways watch. Mrs. Howell holds a HAND MIRROR.

GILLIGAN

I can hardly wait, I can hardly wait.

Professor reaches behind Gilligan's head to untie the bandage.

PROFESSOR

All right now, just hold still a minute.

Professor unties the bandage and removes it.

GILLIGAN

Oh, hurry, hurry, hurry.

GINGER

Oh, it's beautiful.

MR HOWELL

Marvelous!

MARY ANN

It's perfect!

GILLIGAN

Let me see, let me see, let me see, let me see.

Mrs. Howell hands the mirror to Gilligan. Gilligan looks into the mirror.

GILLIGAN

The mirror obscures his face.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

I don't understand. It's my old nose.

Gilligan lowers the mirror to reveal that he retained his old nose.

BACK TO SCENE

PROFESSOR

Gilligan, I tried to tell you it wasn't broken, to wait until the swelling went down, but you were too upset to wait.

SKIPPER

You see, we just pretended to give you that operation, then while you were asleep the Professor put a bandage on it so it would heal.

GILLIGAN

Oh.

GINGER

You sound disappointed.

GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

Well, naturally, I was expecting Richard Burton and I got me.

Gilligan disappointedly looks into the hand mirror again.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

TAG

EXT. ISLAND - DAY

ESTABLISHING SHOT

EXT. PUTTING GREEN - DAY

SKIPPER'S AND MR. HOWELL'S SHOES

Mr. Howell places a golf ball down on the sand.

PULL BACK

Gilligan hands Mr. Howell a bamboo golf club. Gilligan's golf bag with additional clubs is strung over his shoulder.

GILLIGAN

Your driver, Mister Howell.

Gilligan moves behind Mr. Howell.

MR HOWELL

Thank you boy. Stand aside. All right, Captain. There you are.

MR. HOWELL

looks toward the golf hole.

BACK TO SCENE

Mr. Howell winds up and swings the club, hitting the golf ball.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

Ah, not bad, not bad at all, let's see you try it, Skipper.

Mr. Howell hands the golf club to Skipper. Skipper takes the club.

SKIPPER

Watch this, Howell.

GILLIGAN

Your ball, Skipper.

Gilligan places the ball down on the sand and then backs away.

SKIPPER

Thanks a lot, Gilligan. Keep your eye on this one!

MR HOWELL

Get a load of Arnie here.

Skipper winds up and swings the club. Mr. Howell and Skipper both peer into the distance to spot the ball.

SKIPPER

Where'd it go?

Gilligan steps forward and points down.

GILLIGAN

Oh, it's right there, Skipper.

SKIPPER'S FEET

The ball remains on the sand.

SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

Maybe you ought to use a bigger ball?

BACK TO SCENE

SKIPPER

Thanks a lot, Gilligan.

Gilligan backs away.

MR HOWELL

No, no, Skipper, please, just let me give you a little lesson.

Mr. Howell moves behind Skipper.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

I know you're a big fellow, you've a lot of muscles, strong baby beef.

Mr. Howell moves Skipper through the golf swing motion slowly.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

You know the swing, pivot, remember it's with the wrists and the arms, now away we go, this time way back far, big backswing.

Skipper swings back really far and hears it hit ... something.

GILLIGAN (O.S.)

Oh no, right in the nose.

Skipper's aghast that Gilligan may be hurt! Mr. Howell glances at Skipper disbelieving.

SKIPPER

My poor little buddy.

PAN TO PROFESSOR AND GILLIGAN

Professor holds his nose. Gilligan's mouth is agape as he looks at Professor. Skipper and Mr. Howell rush to Professor's side.

SKIPPER (cont'd)

Sorry, Professor, Mister Howell's teaching me a proper backswing.

NEW ANGLE

SKIPPER (cont'd)

Did I hurt you?

PROFESSOR

I don't know.

PROFESSOR

removes his hand from his nose revealing a very swollen nose!

PROFESSOR (cont'd)

I just came over to join the game.

PULL BACK TO PROFESSOR AND GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

Oh, Professor, don't you worry, I know just what to do. Does it hurt there?

Gilligan touches Professor's nose bridge. Professor winces in pain. Gilligan holds his hands up like he's waiting for surgical gloves.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

Oh, Doctor Gilligan in surgery, Doctor Gilligan in surgery!

Gilligan exits into the jungle. Professor touches his tender nose.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. ISLAND - DAY

ESTABLISHING SHOT

FADE OUT.

THE END