Gilligan’s Island Transcript
Episode #26, “Music Hath Charms”

Mrs. Howell forms a symphony orchestra.

“Music Hath Charms”

By

Al Schwartz & Howard Harris

March 27, 1965

TEASER

FADE IN:

EXT. JUNGLE - DAY

MRS. HOWELL walks through the jungle carrying a parasol. She hears DRUMBEATS and follows the sound. She sees GILLIGAN sitting on a chair, drumming on a square drum. Gilligan stops drumming as Mrs. Howell speaks.

MRS HOWELL

Oh, Gilligan, how utterly utterly charming!

GILLIGAN

Huh?

MRS HOWELL

You sitting in the middle of the jungle playing a percussion instrument.

GILLIGAN

I thought I was playing a drum.

MRS HOWELL

My dear boy, a drum is a percussion instrument.

GILLIGAN

Oh, then let me "percush" for you.

MRS HOWELL

Oh, you have no idea what memories this recalls. All those rapturous hours at the Philharmonic, listening to Beethoven, and Brahms, and Mozart. I'm hungry for music, Gilligan. Hungry.

Gilligan holds up a drumstick.

GILLIGAN

Care for a drumstick?

MRS HOWELL

You know, you've given me the most marvelous idea.

Gilligan withdraws the drumstick.

GILLIGAN

I have?

MRS. HOWELL

MRS HOWELL

What is it we need on this island?

GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

A way to get off.

MRS HOWELL

MRS HOWELL

Culture. And what's more cultural than music? Gilligan, we'll form our own little symphony orchestra, ...

BACK TO SCENE

MRS HOWELL (cont'd)

... and you, my dear boy, you will be the drummer.

GILLIGAN

In that case, I'd better start practicing, huh?

Gilligan drums.

ZOOM TO DRUM

EXT. OCEAN - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY

SUPERIMPOSE:

"SOMEWHERE ACROSS
THE WAVES"

EXT. ANOTHER ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY

SUPERIMPOSE:

"THERE IS ANOTHER ISLAND."

EXT. ANOTHER ISLAND - DAY

A group of native islanders listens to the DRUM BEATS coming across the waves. The Island Chief points in the direction of the sound. The Island Chief turns to one of his men.

SUPERIMPOSE:

"ENEMY WAR DRUMS FROM OTHER ISLAND."

The Island Chief commands his men.

OTHER ISLAND WARRIORS

run for their canoes.

SUPERIMPOSE:

"WE ATTACK THEM BEFORE THEY ATTACK US."

FADE OUT.

END OF TEASER

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY

MR. HOWELL holds a flyswatter made from island materials. He swats at an insect on his bed. He misses it and expresses frustration.

TRACK WITH MR HOWELL

as he sees another insect and goes after it. Mrs. Howell sits at her small writing table.

MRS HOWELL

You know, Thurston, it's quite a problem deciding what to open up with in our first concert. What's your opinion of "Brahms' Lullaby?"

MR HOWELL

Well, it's great if you want to take a nap.

Mr. Howell sees an insect sit on the back of Mrs. Howell's head.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

Be still, you little rascal!

He swats at it, brushing Mrs. Howell's head with the swatter.

MRS HOWELL

Thurston, I don't like your attitude or your lack of enthusiasm. After all, it was only last year that you gave five million dollars to the New England Symphony Orchestra.

MR HOWELL

That was to keep them in New England.

MRS HOWELL

On second thought, I think we'd better open up with Beethoven's Fifth.

MR HOWELL

I'd like to open up anybody's fifth.

(laughs)

That was a witty one, Lovey!

Mr. Howell pursues more insects.

MRS HOWELL

Thurston, you're not paying any attention to me.

MR HOWELL

But Lovey, why bother with an orchestra? There's so many more important things on this island. Indispensable things like, say, a polo field.

Mr. Howell pursues more insects.

MRS HOWELL

I'm sorry you feel like that, but I'm going to forge ahead. There's only one thing that's holding up our project and that's finding a good conductor.

Mr. Howell swats at an insect on Mrs. Howell's writing table.

MR HOWELL

A symphony orchestra with all the things‑‑Did you say a good conductor?

MRS HOWELL

Oh, what you do with your wrist. The resemblance is fantastic! You have Leonard Bernstein's wrist.

MR HOWELL

I wonder what he uses at Lincoln Center.

MRS HOWELL

I hope it's not an imposition, but would you consider conducting the orchestra?

MR HOWELL

Well, I'd have to give it serious consideration.

Mr. Howell ponders the question.

MRS HOWELL

Well?

Mr. Howell becomes enthusiastic.

MR HOWELL

That's enough! Yes! And our first number will be Flight of the Zumble Bumble Bumble Bee!

(swats insect)

I got him!

Mr. Howell and Mrs. Howell express excitement.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. JUNGLE - DAY

Gilligan walks through the jungle practicing his drumming. He happens upon SKIPPER who stands on a rock and examines tree branches.

GILLIGAN

Hi, Skipper. What are you doing?

SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN

SKIPPER

Hello, Gilligan. I shall use this branch to make a baton for myself. I'm going to conduct the orchestra.

GILLIGAN

You?

SKIPPER

SKIPPER

Well, certainly. Who else? You think you're talking to an amateur? Why, for five years, I led the Navy band aboard my destroyer.

GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

I never knew that.

SKIPPER

SKIPPER

Why, certainly. And for five years in a row, we almost got honorable mention.

GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

Oh, I didn't know you were that good.

SKIPPER

points to a branch on the tree.

SKIPPER

Now, don't you think this will make a good baton?

GILLIGAN

nods.

SKIPPER (O.S.)

Now, put your little drum down and give me a hand, will you, Gilligan?

BACK TO SCENE

Skipper reaches up for the branch and grabs it firmly.

SKIPPER

And when I pull, you pull with me.

Gilligan grabs hold of Skipper's pants in back near his belt.

SKIPPER (cont'd)

Pull!

Gilligan tugs on Skipper's pants. Skipper pulls on the tree branch.

SKIPPER (cont'd)

Pull!

Gilligan tugs on Skipper's pants again and his belt breaks free, causing Skipper's pants to fall to his ankles, leaving his boxers exposed.

SKIPPER

Looks down at his dropped trousers.

GILLIGAN

sheepishly looks back.

SKIPPER

grows angry.

SKIPPER (cont'd)

Gilligan. I should've known better. Asking you to help is like putting a fire out with gasoline.

GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

You don't need a belt. Not with that great big ‑‑

SKIPPER (O.S.)

Gilligan.

GILLIGAN

Chest.

SKIPPER

SKIPPER

That's better.

BACK TO SCENE

Skipper pulls up his pants while Gilligan looks the other way, but uses one hand to help him pull up his pants. Gilligan rolls up Skipper's belt.

FLIP TO:

EXT. JUNGLE - DAY

Gilligan and GINGER stand in front of a bamboo xylophone. Gilligan holds a long piece of bamboo and a file. Ginger holds a drumstick.

GINGER

Hey, that looks like a good B flat.

GILLIGAN

Looks more like a G to me.

Gilligan places the bamboo piece on the xylophone.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

Here, let's see. There.

Gilligan strikes the newly placed bamboo piece with a drumstick. The XYLOPHONE BONKS.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

B flat, yeah.

Ginger strikes the same bamboo piece with her drumstick. The XYLOPHONE BONKS.

GINGER

That's a little low.

Gilligan adjusts it. Ginger strikes it again. The XYLOPHONE BONKS.

GINGER (cont'd)

That's a little high.

Gilligan adjusts it again, but doesn't remove his hands.

GILLIGAN

Try it now.

Ginger strikes it again. The XYLOPHONE BONKS.

GINGER

That's perfect.

Gilligan winces.

GILLIGAN

That's my knuckle.

He removes his hand from the xylophone and massages it.

GINGER

Gilligan, I'm sorry.

Ginger briefly empathizes with Gilligan and then turns her attention back to the xylophone and strikes the bamboo piece again. The XYLOPHONE BONKS. She listens carefully to its sound.

GINGER (cont'd)

It's just not right.

Gilligan examines the bamboo piece.

GILLIGAN

Well, no wonder. It's longer than the rest. I'll cut it off right there.

Gilligan removes the piece and positions it to be sawed down. MARY ANN appears from the jungle path.

MARY ANN

Hi, Gilligan. Hi, Ginger.

GINGER

Hi, Mary Ann.

Ginger picks up the drumstick that Gilligan used.

GINGER (cont'd)

Hey! Hey, listen to this.

Gilligan picks up the bamboo piece he was about to saw and the file as Ginger plays a TUNE on the XYLOPHONE.

GINGER (cont'd)

Recognize it?

Mary Ann is distracted.

MARY ANN

No.

GINGER

It's "Melancholy Baby."

GILLIGAN

How about that? It's not even finished.

MARY ANN

(dejected)

Oh, it sounds beautiful.

GINGER

What's the matter with you?

MARY ANN

(frustrated)

Oh, I'm the only person on the island that doesn't have a musical instrument to play.

GILLIGAN

Oh, that's a shame, Mary Ann.

(looks down at the bamboo piece and saw)

Hey, why not this one here?

Gilligan picks up a screwdriver.

MARY ANN

What?

GILLIGAN

Yeah. Watch.

Gilligan sits down with the saw and screwdriver.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

So all you gotta do is take it like this and kind of bend it like that.

Gilligan strikes the bent saw with the business end of the screwdriver. The SAW makes a BOING sound.

MARY ANN

You think I can play it?

GILLIGAN

Sure, why not? Here.

Gilligan stands up and hands the saw to Mary Ann.

MARY ANN

I don't have much of an ear for music.

Mary Ann sits down. Gilligan hands Mary Ann the screwdriver.

GILLIGAN

You don't need an ear, just a knee.

Mary Ann strikes the bent saw with the screwdriver. The SAW makes an otherworldly BOING sound.

MARY ANN

Hey!

Mary Ann stands up and kisses Gilligan on the cheek.

MARY ANN (cont'd)

Oh, Gilligan, you're wonderful!

The BOING sound. Gilligan looks embarrassed. Mary Ann looks at the saw, which wasn't struck and didn't make a sound. Mary Ann looks back at Gilligan, who smiles sheepishly at her.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. JUNGLE - DAY

Mr. Howell, dressed in tuxedo tails, stands in front of a podium, hums, and uses a baton to practice directing the island orchestra. Mrs. Howell enters from the jungle.

PUSH IN TO THE HOWELLS

MRS HOWELL

Thurston, what are you doing with two batons?

MR HOWELL

When Mickey Mantle comes to home plate, he always waves two bats, you see. So I have two batons. Isn't that ingenious?

MRS HOWELL

Oh, darling, you have a magnificent, brilliant mind.

MR HOWELL

And it's ideal for Rimsky-Korsakov. You see, one for Rimsky, and the other for Korsakov. And as we say in musical circles, Bach to Bach. Over there.

(directs Mrs. Howell away from the podium)

Patrons and sponsors, if you please.

PROFESSOR appears from the jungle.

PROFESSOR

Da-da-dum.

MR HOWELL

Da-da-dum.

PROFESSOR

Da-da-dum.

MR HOWELL

Da-da-dum.

PROFESSOR

Da-da-dum.

MR HOWELL

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, there's an echo on this island.

PROFESSOR

Oh, it's me, Mister Howell. Well, I see you're getting ready to conduct.

NEW ANGLE

MR HOWELL

Yes, I'm just gonna say, "a one, and a two" to borrow some numbers from our friend Lawrence Welk.

MRS. HOWELL

MRS HOWELL

Professor, have you decided on your musical instrument?

PROFESSOR AND MR. HOWELL

PROFESSOR

Why, yes, I have, Missus Howell. If this turns out as I anticipate, I'll be playing the flute.

MRS. HOWELL

MRS HOWELL

Oh, well then, it will be a flute, because there isn't enough wood there for a cello.

PROFESSOR AND MR. HOWELL

Mr. Howell laughs.

MRS HOWELL (O.S.)

Well, toodle-oo.

MRS. HOWELL

MRS HOWELL

I have to make arrangements for our first rehearsal.

Mrs. Howell turns and exits.

PROFESSOR AND MR. HOWELL

Mr. Howell waves at Mrs. Howell.

MR HOWELL

Yes, yes, of course, darling.

(to Professor)

That's very ingenious. When does it go back on the assembly line?

PROFESSOR

It's practically finished right now, Mister Howell.

NEW ANGLE

Professor plays NOTES on the bamboo FLUTE. Professor hits an off-key NOTE. Mr. Howell grimaces.

PROFESSOR AND MR. HOWELL

Professor plays the flute. Mr. Howell presses his finger on one of the flute's holes to change the NOTE.

NEW ANGLE

MR HOWELL

That's very good! Ready for the rehearsal. Over there, Professor.

Mr Howell directs Professor to a spot where the orchestra will be.

BACK TO SCENE

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

And the conductor. There we are.

PROFESSOR

plays the flute with some skill.

MR. HOWELL

conducts Professor's playing.

PROFESSOR

plays the flute, this time hitting some sour notes.

NEW ANGLE

Professor continues to play and Mr. Howell conducts.

SKIPPER

appears from the jungle, carrying a baton. He watches Professor and Mr. Howell for a few moments.

BACK TO SCENE

Professor continues to play and Mr. Howell conducts.

MR. HOWELL

conducts vigorously. Professor's sour notes causes Mr. Howell to roll his eyes.

PROFESSOR

plays his best, which isn't very good.

SKIPPER

watches from the side. He holds his baton. Skipper's face reveals his displeasure with Professor's sour notes. He approaches the men.

BACK TO SCENE

SKIPPER

Just a moment, Mister Howell. Just what do you think you're doing?

MR. HOWELL

MR HOWELL

Well, I‑‑I'm getting ready for rehearsal for the concert, you see.

SKIPPER

SKIPPER

Oh, there must be some misunderstanding. You see, I'm the conductor.

MR. HOWELL

MR HOWELL

Oh, no, no. You're the skipper, and I'm the conductor.

BACK TO SCENE

Skipper taps his baton on Professor's flute.

SKIPPER

Oh, just hold it, Professor.

Professor stops playing the flute.

SKIPPER (cont'd)

I want to tell you, what is this?

Skipper holds up his baton.

MR. HOWELL

MR HOWELL

Well, that looks like a long toothpick or a short pool cue.

SKIPPER

SKIPPER

It's a baton. And who made you the conductor?

MR. HOWELL

MR HOWELL

An impartial judge, Missus Howell.

SKIPPER

SKIPPER

I thought so. Well, for your information, I used to conduct...

MR. HOWELL

SKIPPER (O.S.)

...the band for the Navy.

MR HOWELL

Well, any music that you conducted should be banned.

BACK TO SCENE

All three men laugh.

SKIPPER

Very funny. Well, I will prove to you who is the best conductor.

(to Professor)

Professor.

Skipper conducts. Professor begins playing his flute. Mr. Howell taps his baton on the podium.

MR HOWELL

Just a minute, Professor. You take it from me. Do you mind? Just take it‑‑

Mr. Howell also conducts. Skipper stops conducting.

SKIPPER

(to Mr. Howell)

I shall lead the orchestra!

MR HOWELL

No, I'm leading the orchestra!

Skipper uses his baton like a sword.

SKIPPER

En garde, Mister Howell!

Skipper and Mr. Howell mock sword fight. Skipper takes the upper hand and Mr. Howell retreats.

MR HOWELL

Take it, Professor!

Skipper pushes his baton against Mr. Howell's and pushes him back.

FLIP TO:

EXT. ORCHESTRA STAGE - DAY

PODIUM

Mrs. Howell raps a baton against the music stand attached to the top of the podium.

PULL BACK

to reveal Mrs. Howell and the island orchestra.

MRS HOWELL

Quiet, children, quiet. Musicians, hush.

PROFESSOR

Gilligan‑‑

Professor realizes Mrs. Howell wants his attention and he quiets himself and turns toward her. The other island orchestra members also quiet themselves.

MRS. HOWELL

MRS HOWELL

Now we'll start our first number. One-uh, two-uh, three-uh.

ISLAND ORCHESTRA

play.

SKIPPER AND PROFESSOR

play a shell mouth organ and the flute. Skipper blows into the FOG HORN which makes a horrible HONK. They stop playing.

MRS. HOWELL

MRS HOWELL (cont'd)

What was that? It sounded like a foghorn.

SKIPPER

SKIPPER

It was.

MRS. HOWELL

MRS HOWELL

What is a foghorn doing in our orchestra?

SKIPPER

SKIPPER

Well, I'm sorry, maestro, but it can't be helped. This is the foghorn off the S.S. Minnow.

GINGER

GINGER

It sounds all right to me. Besides, we need it for "Foggy Day in London Town."

SKIPPER

SKIPPER

Thank you, Ginger.

MRS. HOWELL

MRS HOWELL

Now let's get on with Strauss and "The Blue Danube." One, two, three.

GINGER AND MARY ANN

play the xylophone and the saw.

MR. HOWELL AND GILLIGAN

play the triangle and the drums. Mr. Howell strikes the triangle with a hammer, but hits his finger on the fourth note.

MRS. HOWELL

MRS HOWELL (cont'd)

Musicians, please. Among all those beautiful notes, that sounded like a clinker.

SKIPPER

SKIPPER

It was that square on the triangle.

MR. HOWELL AND GILLIGAN

MR HOWELL

This is a very difficult instrument! It's easy to play a wind instrument.

SKIPPER

SKIPPER

Yeah, especially for you, with all that hot air.

MR. HOWELL AND GILLIGAN

MR HOWELL

Heavens of Toscanini! I've been insulted.

MRS. HOWELL

MRS HOWELL

Ah-ah-ah-ah. No temper. More tempo.

ISLAND ORCHESTRA

MRS HOWELL (O.S.)

One-uh, two-uh, three-uh.

They begin playing.

SKIPPER

plays his shell mouth organ.

GINGER AND MARY ANN

play the xylophone and the saw.

MR. HOWELL AND GILLIGAN

play the triangle and the drums.

GINGER AND MARY ANN

play.

SKIPPER AND PROFESSOR

play.

HIGH ANGLE

Mrs. Howell conducts the island orchestra to the end of the song. Gilligan plays a drum solo after the other musicians stop.

EXT. OCEAN - DAY

About two dozen canoes filled with island warriors approach the island.

EXT. LAGOON - DAY

Three canoes have beached. The island warriors exit their canoes. Most prominent among them is the ISLAND CHIEF.

ISLAND CHIEF

points and instructs his warriors what to do. The Island Chief instructs his SCOUT.

SUPERIMPOSE:

"SCOUT ENEMY POSITION."

SUPERIMPOSE:

"MEET US BACK HERE."

The scout exits. The Island Chief instructs his other warriors.

FLIP TO:

EXT. JUNGLE - DAY

The Scout parts the bushes. ISLAND ORCHESTRA MUSIC plays. He furrows his brow and wonders what is causing the horrible sound. He winces at each off-key note.

EXT. ORCHESTRA STAGE - DAY

SKIPPER AND PROFESSOR

play their instruments. Professor notices the Scout but continues playing. He turns around and catches Skipper's attention, motioning to where the Scout is. Skipper looks toward the Scout.

EXT. JUNGLE - DAY

The Scout watches the orchestra.

EXT. ORCHESTRA STAGE - DAY

Skipper rises from his seat.

EXT. JUNGLE - DAY

SCOUT

closes the bushes he peered through.

TRACK WITH SKIPPER

as he sneaks up on the Scout and captures the Scout. The Scout shouts.

EXT. ORCHESTRA STAGE - DAY

The island orchestra stops and the men stand up and hurry toward the commotion between Skipper and the Scout.

EXT. JUNGLE - DAY

TRACK WITH PROFESSOR

as he runs to the Skipper, who holds the Scout tightly.

PROFESSOR

Where did he come from?

SKIPPER

I don't know.

MR HOWELL

How dare you interrupt our concert?

SKIPPER, SCOUT, AND PROFESSOR

The Scout points at Mr. Howell and speaks his native tongue.

MR. HOWELL AND GILLIGAN

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

Stop with those lame excuses. You're absolutely uncivilized.

SKIPPER, SCOUT, AND PROFESSOR

PROFESSOR

Please, Mister Howell. Let me try to communicate with him.

(in French)

Parlez-vous français?

The Scout looks at Professor, but clearly doesn't understand.

PROFESSOR (cont'd)

(in Spanish)

¿Se hablas español?

The Scout furrows his brow. He doesn't understand. Professor points at the Scout.

PROFESSOR (cont'd)

(in German)

Sprechen sie Deutsch?

ALL FIVE MEN

GILLIGAN

Professor, let me try it.

Gilligan questions the Scout in what sounds like gibberish.

SKIPPER, SCOUT, AND PROFESSOR

Scout speaks back to Gilligan and points at him. Professor looks astonished that Gilligan has communicated with the Scout.

SKIPPER

What'd he say?

MR. HOWELL AND GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

Who?

SKIPPER (O.S.)

Him.

GILLIGAN

I don't know.

SKIPPER, SCOUT, AND PROFESSOR

SKIPPER

Gilligan, he just answered you. What'd he say?

MR. HOWELL AND GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

I know, but I forgot what I asked him.

MR HOWELL

Oh, let me handle this!

ALL FIVE MEN

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

I'll speak the language everybody understands: money. Here, buy yourself a mahogany surfboard.

The Scout holds out his hand. Mr. Howell places cash into his hand. He looks at Mr. Howell.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

Ah, shrewd fellow! He wants more.

(places more cash in his hand)

There you go.

The Scout looks at the cash and brings it to his mouth to taste it.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

Oh! Give me that!

Mr. Howell removes the cash from the Scout's hand. Gilligan takes some of the cash too.

PROFESSOR

Look at this.

SKIPPER, SCOUT, AND PROFESSOR

Skipper holds Other Island Advance Scout. Professor examines the knife Other Island Advance Scout carried.

PROFESSOR (cont'd)

According to the markings on this knife, I'd say this fellow is a member of a fierce, primitive tribe.

SKIPPER

Well, Professor, what's he doing on this island?

PROFESSOR

He's probably an advance scout for the tribe. I'd say we're in great danger of being attacked.

SKIPPER

We'd better not tell the others.

EXT. HILL - DAY

Dozens of warriors appear at the crest of the hill.

EXT. ORCHESTRA STAGE - DAY

Mary Ann sees the warriors at the crest of the hill. She points to them.

MARY ANN

Look!

Ginger and Mrs. Howell turn and look in the direction Mary Ann points.

EXT. JUNGLE - DAY

The men heard Mary Ann shout and also look in the direction she points. They see the warriors at the crest of the hill.

EXT. HILL - DAY

Other Island Chief directs the warriors. The warriors make their way down the hill.

EXT. ORCHESTRA STAGE - DAY

Ginger, Mary Ann, and Mrs. Howell scream and flee.

EXT. JUNGLE - DAY

The men's mouths are agape. The Scout twists and escapes Skipper's grip. They turn to flee.

ANGLE ON WOMEN

as they run through the jungle.

MRS HOWELL

What are we going to do?

The women run to the men.

MR HOWELL

Come here, dear.

The castaways huddle together.

SKIPPER

Just stay calm now, everybody. We'll head for the south end of the island.

Skipper motions toward the south end of the island.

MR HOWELL

South. That's this way.

The castaways run through the jungle.

EXT. HILL - DAY

The warriors make their way down the hill toward the castaways.

FLIP TO:

EXT. SOUTH END OF ISLAND - DAY

Skipper leads the other castaways toward the beach. Skipper stops.

SKIPPER

Wait!

EXT. OCEAN - DAY

Warriors in boats head for the island.

EXT. SOUTH END OF ISLAND - DAY

Skipper turns and waves them toward the east end of the island.

SKIPPER

The east end! The east end of the island! The east end.

MR HOWELL

That way!

FLIP TO:

EXT. EAST END OF ISLAND - DAY

SKIPPER

Wait!

EXT. EAST END OF ISLAND - DAY

Warriors paddle boats in an inlet on the east end of the island.

EXT. EAST END OF ISLAND - DAY

Skipper sees the warriors and leads the castaways to the west end of the island.

SKIPPER

This way! The west end!

MR HOWELL

The west end!

The castaways follow Skipper.

FLIP TO:

EXT. WEST END OF ISLAND - DAY

Skipper leads the castaways down a path on the west end of the island. He sees the dozens of warriors in canoes.

SKIPPER

Look!

EXT. WEST END OF ISLAND - DAY

Dozens of warriors in canoes approach the island.

EXT. WEST END OF ISLAND - DAY

Gilligan and Skipper look out toward the ocean.

GILLIGAN

What do we do now? We're all out of ends.

THE OTHER CASTAWAYS

run to catch up with them.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

EXT. JUNGLE - DAY

Professor, Skipper, and Gilligan sneak through the jungle to reconnoiter the warriors. They find a boulder and crouch behind it. Some fern branches block Gilligan's view.

GILLIGAN

What's going on out there?

Skipper quickly puts his hand over Gilligan's mouth to quiet him. Professor shushes Gilligan.

EXT. JUNGLE - DAY

SCOUT

reports to Island Chief. Other warriors listen to him.

SUPERIMPOSE:

"VERY STRANGE ENEMY"

He points to himself and then spreads his hands.

SUPERIMPOSE:

"MAKE VERY STRANGE NOISE"

Scout motions as if describing a fat man. Island Chief listens to the story and nods.

PULL BACK TO INCLUDE ISLAND CHIEF

SUPERIMPOSE:

"WITH VERY STRANGE WEAPONS."

Scout confirms by nodding his head. Scout motions as if describing a thin man, but waves his hand and shakes his head as if to discount any threat. Scout mimics drumming and then points to his ear lobes as if describing earrings on the women and doesn't understand what women are. Island Chief points off into the distance.

EXT. JUNGLE - DAY

Skipper removes his hand from Gilligan's mouth.

SKIPPER

Gilligan, if they hear us, we're finished.

PROFESSOR

Skipper, we've got to face something. Sooner or later those natives will find the cave where we've been hiding.

SKIPPER

I know, but if we stay in that cave, we're gonna starve to death.

GILLIGAN

That's a great idea.

SKIPPER

What's a great idea?

GILLIGAN

If we're nothing but skin and bones, those cannibals won't kill us. So if we starve to death, we'll save our lives.

Gilligan puts his hand over his own mouth, beating Skipper to it, which frustrates Skipper.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. CAVE - NIGHT

ZOOM TO SKIPPER IN THE CAVE ENTRANCE

The castaways huddle together for safety. Skipper keeps watch.

INT. CAVE - NIGHT

Skipper joins the others huddled inside the cave. Mary Ann rubs her arms.

MARY ANN

Oh, I'm so cold. This cave is freezing at night.

PROFESSOR

Well, the best way to keep warm is to stay close together like this.

MRS HOWELL

Can't we light a fire? Even my blue blood is starting to cube up.

MR HOWELL

I'm frozen. I've got peacock bumps!

GINGER

You mean goose bumps.

MR HOWELL

On a Howell?

GILLIGAN

Skipper, I'm freezing. I'm going numb! I'm going numb!

SKIPPER

If everyone wants to keep nice and warm, I know a perfect way.

MARY ANN

Oh, how?

SKIPPER

Just follow me.

They stand and follow Skipper to the cave entrance.

NEW ANGLE

GILLIGAN

Where are we going?

SKIPPER

We're gonna give ourselves up to the cannibals and they'll put us in a nice hot pot.

BACK TO SCENE - UNDERCRANKED CAMERA

The castaways rush back to the where they huddled previously.

FLIP TO:

INT./EXT. CAVE - NIGHT

Professor carries firewood, backs toward the cave entrance, and looks for warriors. He brings the wood to Gilligan and Skipper.

PROFESSOR

I can't see a thing out there. I'm sure it's all right to start the fire now.

SKIPPER

Good, Professor. Here, Gilligan, take these two sticks and start rubbing them together.

GILLIGAN

Aye-aye, sir.

NEW ANGLE

Professor puts the wood down on top of some rocks that should serve to contain their fire. Gilligan rubs the two sticks together.

PROFESSOR

Gilligan, would it be faster if I helped you?

GILLIGAN

No, it'd be faster if I used my matches.

SKIPPER

Matches? You've got matches?

GILLIGAN

Sure.

SKIPPER

Well, why didn't you use them?

GILLIGAN

Because you told me to rub two sticks together.

Skipper grabs the two sticks from Gilligan.

SKIPPER

Just light that fire!

Skipper puts the two sticks on top of the wood. Gilligan reaches into his pocket.

FLIP TO:

INT. CAVE - LATER

CAMPFIRE

PULL BACK TO MARY ANN, MRS. HOWELL, MR. HOWELL, GILLIGAN, AND GINGER

warming themselves by the campfire. Skipper and Professor guard the cave entrance.

MARY ANN

Even with those savages outside, I feel better now that we have this fire.

GINGER

GINGER

Oh, I've still got goose bumps, but at least they're warm.

MRS. HOWELL, MR. HOWELL, AND GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

You know, if it weren't for those cannibals, we could have kind of a picnic.

MR HOWELL

Don't mention cannibals and picnic in the same breath. If they find this cave, we'll be the main course.

MRS HOWELL

Thurston.

MR HOWELL

I know, it was vulgar.

MRS HOWELL

Well, at least let me think of myself as the dessert.

BACK TO SCENE

GILLIGAN

We could have a barbecue if we had hot dogs and hamburgers.

MARY ANN

Oh, Gilligan, stop the food talk.

GILLIGAN

But I'm hungry.

GINGER

GINGER

Oh, we all are. We haven't eaten for ten hours.

MRS. HOWELL, MR. HOWELL, AND GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

Ten hours? Then I'm starved.

MR HOWELL

Don't mention food. It makes us hungrier.

GILLIGAN

All right, all right. I won't mention food again. I won't mention food even if you burn me at the stake.

(pause)

Steak?

BACK TO SCENE

The castaways gathered at the campfire look uncomfortable.

PROFESSOR AND SKIPPER

PROFESSOR

(sotto)

Skipper, I recall reading a Professor Oldenberg's text on primitive tribes and customs. That the more primitive the tribe the more superstitious it is.

SKIPPER

Well, with this bunch, we must've hit the jackpot.

PROFESSOR

And they're terrified of various gods. Now, listen, if we could convince them that we were gods with mystical powers, they might flee in panic.

SKIPPER

But, Professor, how are we gonna do that?

PROFESSOR

Well, Professor Oldenberg cited a case where he saved his own life by using a radio on the Papuan tribe. They heard a voice coming from a box and they thought the Professor was a god.

SKIPPER

It's worth a chance. If we stay in here, we'll starve to death.

PROFESSOR

I'll get the radio from the hut.

SKIPPER

Good luck, Professor.

PROFESSOR

And I'll take Gilligan along with me.

Professor turns to go back to the hut.

SKIPPER

Lots of luck, Professor.

FLIP TO:

EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT

A warrior walks through the jungle. He comes to a clearing where the other warriors sit.

ZOOM TO GILLIGAN AND PROFESSOR

reveal themselves from the jungle by peering through a break between plants.

GILLIGAN AND PROFESSOR

PROFESSOR

Let's hope this works, Gilligan.

GILLIGAN

I hope so. Look at those sharp spears. I'd hate to wind up like a shish kebab.

PROFESSOR

Well, here goes.

Professor turns to approach the warriors, but he's stopped by Gilligan.

GILLIGAN

Don't you think you ought to turn the radio on?

PROFESSOR

Oh.

GILLIGAN

Hope it's something good.

RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

‑‑and that’s today’s weather.

NEW ANGLE

Professor holds the RADIO up and approaches the warriors. Gilligan follows closely behind him.

RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (cont'd)

Tomorrow will be warm and sunny, followed by scattered showers.

PULL BACK

The warriors stand. Professor continues to approach them.

RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (cont'd)

So don't forget, if you need money, drop in at our main office. No ...

REVERSE ANGLE

The warriors slowly back up. They discuss in their native tongue.

RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (cont'd)

... papers to sign, no red tape. No red tape! Just ask for Friendly Henry.

PROFESSOR AND GILLIGAN

RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (cont'd)

We're here to serve all your money problems.

PROFESSOR

Here, Gilligan. You hold it.

(hands radio to Gilligan)

I'm gonna try to hasten their departure.

ANGLE ON WARRIORS, PROFESSOR, AND GILLIGAN

Gilligan holds the RADIO over his head. Professor holds his arms wide.

RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Friendly Henry has a solid institution with assets of twenty-two million‑‑

Gilligan trips and falls on the ground and drops the radio.

GILLIGAN

on his hands and knees, grabs the radio and pulls it toward him.

GILLIGAN

Come on, Henry, get friendly again.

Gilligan fiddles with the radio's knobs.

WARRIORS

hear no sound and creep toward Professor and Gilligan.

PROFESSOR AND GILLIGAN

Gilligan runs away as fast as he can, leaving Professor to fend for himself.

BACK TO SCENE

The warriors rush and capture Professor as Gilligan disappears into the jungle.

FLIP TO:

INT. CAVE - NIGHT

Skipper and Mr. Howell pace back and forth while Mary Ann, Mrs. Howell, and Ginger warm themselves by the campfire.

SKIPPER

Where are they? They've been gone for hours.

PUSH IN TO MR. HOWELL AND SKIPPER

MR HOWELL

Well, don't worry, Skipper. The Professor can cope with anything. That man has got a good head on his shoulders.

SKIPPER

Why, I'm also worried about Gilligan.

MR HOWELL

He's got something on his shoulders, too, except I can't figure out what it is.

Gilligan runs in the cave entrance and joins them.

SKIPPER

Gilligan! Where's the Professor?

GILLIGAN

They got him.

GINGER, MRS. HOWELL, AND MARY ANN

are astonished to hear the news.

SKIPPER (O.S.)

Oh, no.

MR. HOWELL, GILLIGAN, AND SKIPPER

GILLIGAN

Yeah, they thought we were gods, until Friendly Henry stopped talking.

MR HOWELL

Friendly Henry? Who is Friendly Henry?

GILLIGAN

He's the radio announcer. He was telling about the weather. Then he was gonna tell them about‑‑

SKIPPER

Oh, never mind that, Gilligan. We've gotta go there and rescue him.

GILLIGAN

Right.

SKIPPER

Then we gotta find something else to make them think that we're gods.

GILLIGAN

The flashlight, huh?

SKIPPER

The flashlight. Good idea, Gilligan!

FLIP TO:

EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT

Gilligan spreads branches and peers between them. He releases the branches and disappears. Skipper spreads branches and motions Gilligan to be quiet.

WARRIORS

sleep in the clearing by their campfire.

GILLIGAN AND SKIPPER

GILLIGAN

Oh, the poor Professor.

SKIPPER

What happened to him, Gilligan? Did you see him?

GILLIGAN

No, but some of those natives look fatter.

Skipper is startled by the suggestion.

SKIPPER

Gilligan, they've probably got him tied up someplace.

GILLIGAN

I sure hope so.

SKIPPER

Well, we'll get him after we get rid of these natives. Now, I'll take the flashlight and flash it in their faces and frighten them into thinking we're some kind of gods.

GILLIGAN

Right.

SKIPPER

Give me the flashlight.

Gilligan hands Skipper the flashlight.

SKIPPER (cont'd)

Come on, Gilligan.

WIDER SHOT

Skipper appears from the brush and creeps slowly toward the sleeping warriors. Gilligan follows closely behind him. Skipper growls at the warriors. They awake.

REVERSE ANGLE

The warriors quickly rise to their feet.

SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN

SKIPPER (cont'd)

I am the god of light!

Skipper tries to scare them with the flashlight, but it doesn't illuminate.

WARRIORS

close in on Skipper and Gilligan.

SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN

Skipper tries again.

SKIPPER (cont'd)

I am the god of light!

WARRIORS

are not fooled. They move closer.

SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN

SKIPPER (cont'd)

Gilligan, it doesn't work!

GILLIGAN

I guess I forgot to put the batteries in. Run for your life!

BACK TO SCENE

The warrior capture Skipper. Gilligan flees into the jungle.

ISLAND CHIEF AND SKIPPER

The island chief brandishes a large blade.

FLIP TO:

INT. CAVE - NIGHT

Mr. Howell, Mrs. Howell, Mary Ann, and Ginger play charades. Mr. Howell pantomimes.

MRS. HOWELL, MARY ANN, AND GINGER

MARY ANN

Pot!

MR HOWELL (O.S.)

Yes.

GINGER

Big pot.

(pause)

Jackie Gleason.

BACK TO SCENE

MR HOWELL

Sounds like ‑‑

Gilligan runs into the cave and joins the others.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

Gilligan, what's the matter? Where's the Captain?

Gilligan struggles to catch his breath.

GILLIGAN

They got him.

GINGER

Oh, not the Skipper, too?

MARY ANN

Oh, you didn't trip and drop the flashlight?

MR. HOWELL AND GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN

Of course not. I forgot to put the batteries in.

MR HOWELL

We've gotta rescue the Skipper and the Professor. Let's go, Gilligan.

GILLIGAN

You want me to go along?

MR HOWELL

Yeah, come on, let's go.

BACK TO SCENE

MRS HOWELL

Thurston! Thurston!

MR HOWELL

Lovey, my dear. One final word?

MRS. HOWELL, MARY ANN, AND GINGER

MRS HOWELL

What was that charade we were trying to guess?

MR. HOWELL AND GILLIGAN

MR HOWELL

"The Natives are Restless Tonight."

Mr. Howell and Gilligan turn and exit the cave.

MRS. HOWELL, MARY ANN, AND GINGER

MRS HOWELL

Of course.

FLIP TO:

EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT

The warriors have gathered around the campfire and discuss among themselves.

GILLIGAN AND MR. HOWELL

peer through the bushes. Gilligan carries a small fire extinguisher from the S.S. Minnow.

MR HOWELL

(sotto)

What is that thing, anyway?

GILLIGAN

(sotto)

The fire extinguisher from the S.S. Minnow.

MR HOWELL

We're supposed to rescue the Professor and the Skipper. Leave the fire to Smokey the Bear, will you?

GILLIGAN

Mister Howell, we gotta convince the natives we're gods. You know the white stuff that comes out of here?

MR HOWELL

It's carbon dioxide. It smothers fires.

GILLIGAN

Yeah. I'll spray it all over my head and those natives'll think my hair turned white right before their eyes.

MR HOWELL

I feel my hair turning white right now.

GILLIGAN

Come on, Mister Howell. Just follow me. Come on.

Gilligan and Mr. Howell approach the warriors.

NEW ANGLE

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

Watch this now, Mister Howell.

Gilligan growls toward the natives.

BACK TO SCENE

The warriors turn and notice Gilligan.

MR. HOWELL AND GILLIGAN

Gilligan removes his hat.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

Watch.

Gilligan sprays the fire extinguisher over his head. His hair becomes white.

NEW ANGLE

The warriors back off.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

How about that, huh, Mister Howell? Lookin'‑‑they're all scared. They think I'm a god, huh?

MR. HOWELL AND GILLIGAN

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

You wanna try it?

MR HOWELL

Yeah. Here, let me try.

Mr. Howell shouts gibberish at the warriors. He jumps up and down and removes his hat.

WIDER ANGLE

Mr. Howell tries to spray the fire extinguisher, but nothing comes out.

MR. HOWELL AND GILLIGAN

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

Wait a minute. Here! No!

Gilligan flees into the jungle, leaving Mr. Howell to the warriors. The warriors capture Mr. Howell.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

I'm a Harvard man!

FLIP TO:

INT./EXT. CAVE - NIGHT

Gilligan, his head covered in the fire extinguisher material, stumbles to the cave where the women still hide.

MRS HOWELL

Oh, you poor boy. Where's my dear Thurston?

GILLIGAN

They got him.

MRS HOWELL

Oh, the poor darling. He's much too rich to die.

MARY ANN

Oh, Missus Howell, he'll be all right, I'm sure.

GINGER

What do we do now? That's‑‑that's the end of the men.

GILLIGAN

I'm still here!

GINGER

As I was saying ‑‑

GILLIGAN

Well, I'll show you. I'll rescue them.

Gilligan turns and exits the cave.

MRS HOWELL

Oh, Gilligan, don't leave us here alone.

The women chase after Gilligan.

MARY ANN

Gilligan!

MRS HOWELL

Gilligan!

FLIP TO:

EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT

Gilligan enters the clearing where the warriors were. The campfire smolders. The warriors are gone.

GILLIGAN

This is where they were, but they're gone.

MRS HOWELL

What's happened to them?

GINGER

Where can they be?

GILLIGAN

I don't know. Maybe they had a good meal and left.

MRS HOWELL

Oh, Gilligan!

GILLIGAN

I'm sorry, Missus Howell.

MARY ANN

Gee, it's almost daylight. Oh‑‑maybe they went to our camp.

Oh, let's go see.

FLIP TO:

EXT. OCEAN BEACH - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAWN

Island Orchestra MUSIC plays.

EXT. JUNGLE - DAY

The island orchestra MUSIC continues to play. Gilligan runs through the jungle followed by the women. He comes to a stop and the women stop with him. He can't believe what he sees...

EXT. ORCHESTRA STAGE - DAY

The warriors dance to MUSIC. Skipper, Professor, and Mr. Howell play.

EXT. JUNGLE - DAY

Island Orchestra MUSIC plays. Mary Ann and Gilligan exchange glances. Ginger and Mrs. Howell exchange glances. Gilligan smiles and runs toward the stage. Mary Ann smiles and follows Gilligan.

EXT. ORCHESTRA STAGE - DAY

Gilligan, Mary Ann, and Ginger join the men on stage and play their instruments. Mrs. Howell takes her place at the podium. The warriors dance.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

TAG

FADE IN:

EXT. LAGOON - DAY

WARRIORS

row their canoes out toward sea. The island chief stands tall. The castaways walk down a path on the east side of the lagoon inlet.

REVERSE ANGLE

The warrior paddle away.

MR HOWELL (O.S.)

I'll offer you money!

CASTAWAYS

SKIPPER

We're marooned on this island!

PROFESSOR

You've got to get help for us!

MR HOWELL

Anything you want. I'll buy you your own island.

SKIPPER

They don't understand what we're saying. They're going anyway.

GILLIGAN

You know, they liked my drum-playing so much, I'm gonna give them a send-off.

SKIPPER

Oh, never mind that now, Gilligan.

GILLIGAN

But they were friendly, and I wanna be friendly.

ZOOM TO GILLIGAN

Gilligan BEATS his DRUM.

EXT. ANOTHER ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT AERIAL VIEW - DAY

SUPERIMPOSE:

"STILL ANOTHER ISLAND"

EXT. ANOTHER ISLAND - DAY

OTHER ISLAND SEER

listens to the BEAT of Gilligan's DRUM.

SUPERIMPOSE:

"ENEMY WAR DRUMS"

PULL BACK

The another island seer and the another island chief speak to each other.

SUPERIMPOSE:

"WE MUST ATTACK AT ONCE."

They turn and disappear into the jungle.

EXT. ANOTHER ISLAND BEACH - DAY

Dozens of another island warriors run for their canoes.

EXT. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY

FADE OUT.

THE END