Mrs. Howell forms a symphony orchestra.
“Music Hath Charms”
By
Al Schwartz & Howard Harris
March 27, 1965
FADE IN:
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
MRS. HOWELL walks through the jungle carrying a parasol. She hears DRUMBEATS and follows the sound. She sees GILLIGAN sitting on a chair, drumming on a square drum. Gilligan stops drumming as Mrs. Howell speaks.
MRS HOWELL
Oh, Gilligan, how utterly utterly charming!
GILLIGAN
Huh?
MRS HOWELL
You sitting in the middle of the jungle playing a percussion instrument.
GILLIGAN
I thought I was playing a drum.
MRS HOWELL
My dear boy, a drum is a percussion instrument.
GILLIGAN
Oh, then let me "percush" for you.
MRS HOWELL
Oh, you have no idea what memories this recalls. All those rapturous hours at the Philharmonic, listening to Beethoven, and Brahms, and Mozart. I'm hungry for music, Gilligan. Hungry.
Gilligan holds up a drumstick.
GILLIGAN
Care for a drumstick?
MRS HOWELL
You know, you've given me the most marvelous idea.
Gilligan withdraws the drumstick.
GILLIGAN
I have?
MRS. HOWELL
MRS HOWELL
What is it we need on this island?
GILLIGAN
GILLIGAN
A way to get off.
MRS HOWELL
MRS HOWELL
Culture. And what's more cultural than music? Gilligan, we'll form our own little symphony orchestra, ...
BACK TO SCENE
MRS HOWELL (cont'd)
... and you, my dear boy, you will be the drummer.
GILLIGAN
In that case, I'd better start practicing, huh?
Gilligan drums.
ZOOM TO DRUM
EXT. OCEAN - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY
SUPERIMPOSE:
"SOMEWHERE ACROSS
THE WAVES"
EXT. ANOTHER ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY
SUPERIMPOSE:
"THERE IS ANOTHER ISLAND."
EXT. ANOTHER ISLAND - DAY
A group of native islanders listens to the DRUM BEATS coming across the waves. The Island Chief points in the direction of the sound. The Island Chief turns to one of his men.
SUPERIMPOSE:
"ENEMY WAR DRUMS FROM OTHER ISLAND."
The Island Chief commands his men.
OTHER ISLAND WARRIORS
run for their canoes.
SUPERIMPOSE:
"WE ATTACK THEM BEFORE THEY ATTACK US."
FADE OUT.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
INT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY
MR. HOWELL holds a flyswatter made from island materials. He swats at an insect on his bed. He misses it and expresses frustration.
TRACK WITH MR HOWELL
as he sees another insect and goes after it. Mrs. Howell sits at her small writing table.
MRS HOWELL
You know, Thurston, it's quite a problem deciding what to open up with in our first concert. What's your opinion of "Brahms' Lullaby?"
MR HOWELL
Well, it's great if you want to take a nap.
Mr. Howell sees an insect sit on the back of Mrs. Howell's head.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Be still, you little rascal!
He swats at it, brushing Mrs. Howell's head with the swatter.
MRS HOWELL
Thurston, I don't like your attitude or your lack of enthusiasm. After all, it was only last year that you gave five million dollars to the New England Symphony Orchestra.
MR HOWELL
That was to keep them in New England.
MRS HOWELL
On second thought, I think we'd better open up with Beethoven's Fifth.
MR HOWELL
I'd like to open up anybody's fifth.
(laughs)
That was a witty one, Lovey!
Mr. Howell pursues more insects.
MRS HOWELL
Thurston, you're not paying any attention to me.
MR HOWELL
But Lovey, why bother with an orchestra? There's so many more important things on this island. Indispensable things like, say, a polo field.
Mr. Howell pursues more insects.
MRS HOWELL
I'm sorry you feel like that, but I'm going to forge ahead. There's only one thing that's holding up our project and that's finding a good conductor.
Mr. Howell swats at an insect on Mrs. Howell's writing table.
MR HOWELL
A symphony orchestra with all the things‑‑Did you say a good conductor?
MRS HOWELL
Oh, what you do with your wrist. The resemblance is fantastic! You have Leonard Bernstein's wrist.
MR HOWELL
I wonder what he uses at Lincoln Center.
MRS HOWELL
I hope it's not an imposition, but would you consider conducting the orchestra?
MR HOWELL
Well, I'd have to give it serious consideration.
Mr. Howell ponders the question.
MRS HOWELL
Well?
Mr. Howell becomes enthusiastic.
MR HOWELL
That's enough! Yes! And our first number will be Flight of the Zumble Bumble Bumble Bee!
(swats insect)
I got him!
Mr. Howell and Mrs. Howell express excitement.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
Gilligan walks through the jungle practicing his drumming. He happens upon SKIPPER who stands on a rock and examines tree branches.
GILLIGAN
Hi, Skipper. What are you doing?
SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN
SKIPPER
Hello, Gilligan. I shall use this branch to make a baton for myself. I'm going to conduct the orchestra.
GILLIGAN
You?
SKIPPER
SKIPPER
Well, certainly. Who else? You think you're talking to an amateur? Why, for five years, I led the Navy band aboard my destroyer.
GILLIGAN
GILLIGAN
I never knew that.
SKIPPER
SKIPPER
Why, certainly. And for five years in a row, we almost got honorable mention.
GILLIGAN
GILLIGAN
Oh, I didn't know you were that good.
SKIPPER
points to a branch on the tree.
SKIPPER
Now, don't you think this will make a good baton?
GILLIGAN
nods.
SKIPPER (O.S.)
Now, put your little drum down and give me a hand, will you, Gilligan?
BACK TO SCENE
Skipper reaches up for the branch and grabs it firmly.
SKIPPER
And when I pull, you pull with me.
Gilligan grabs hold of Skipper's pants in back near his belt.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Pull!
Gilligan tugs on Skipper's pants. Skipper pulls on the tree branch.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Pull!
Gilligan tugs on Skipper's pants again and his belt breaks free, causing Skipper's pants to fall to his ankles, leaving his boxers exposed.
SKIPPER
Looks down at his dropped trousers.
GILLIGAN
sheepishly looks back.
SKIPPER
grows angry.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Gilligan. I should've known better. Asking you to help is like putting a fire out with gasoline.
GILLIGAN
GILLIGAN
You don't need a belt. Not with that great big ‑‑
SKIPPER (O.S.)
Gilligan.
GILLIGAN
Chest.
SKIPPER
SKIPPER
That's better.
BACK TO SCENE
Skipper pulls up his pants while Gilligan looks the other way, but uses one hand to help him pull up his pants. Gilligan rolls up Skipper's belt.
FLIP TO:
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
Gilligan and GINGER stand in front of a bamboo xylophone. Gilligan holds a long piece of bamboo and a file. Ginger holds a drumstick.
GINGER
Hey, that looks like a good B flat.
GILLIGAN
Looks more like a G to me.
Gilligan places the bamboo piece on the xylophone.
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
Here, let's see. There.
Gilligan strikes the newly placed bamboo piece with a drumstick. The XYLOPHONE BONKS.
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
B flat, yeah.
Ginger strikes the same bamboo piece with her drumstick. The XYLOPHONE BONKS.
GINGER
That's a little low.
Gilligan adjusts it. Ginger strikes it again. The XYLOPHONE BONKS.
GINGER (cont'd)
That's a little high.
Gilligan adjusts it again, but doesn't remove his hands.
GILLIGAN
Try it now.
Ginger strikes it again. The XYLOPHONE BONKS.
GINGER
That's perfect.
Gilligan winces.
GILLIGAN
That's my knuckle.
He removes his hand from the xylophone and massages it.
GINGER
Gilligan, I'm sorry.
Ginger briefly empathizes with Gilligan and then turns her attention back to the xylophone and strikes the bamboo piece again. The XYLOPHONE BONKS. She listens carefully to its sound.
GINGER (cont'd)
It's just not right.
Gilligan examines the bamboo piece.
GILLIGAN
Well, no wonder. It's longer than the rest. I'll cut it off right there.
Gilligan removes the piece and positions it to be sawed down. MARY ANN appears from the jungle path.
MARY ANN
Hi, Gilligan. Hi, Ginger.
GINGER
Hi, Mary Ann.
Ginger picks up the drumstick that Gilligan used.
GINGER (cont'd)
Hey! Hey, listen to this.
Gilligan picks up the bamboo piece he was about to saw and the file as Ginger plays a TUNE on the XYLOPHONE.
GINGER (cont'd)
Recognize it?
Mary Ann is distracted.
MARY ANN
No.
GINGER
It's "Melancholy Baby."
GILLIGAN
How about that? It's not even finished.
MARY ANN
(dejected)
Oh, it sounds beautiful.
GINGER
What's the matter with you?
MARY ANN
(frustrated)
Oh, I'm the only person on the island that doesn't have a musical instrument to play.
GILLIGAN
Oh, that's a shame, Mary Ann.
(looks down at the bamboo piece and saw)
Hey, why not this one here?
Gilligan picks up a screwdriver.
MARY ANN
What?
GILLIGAN
Yeah. Watch.
Gilligan sits down with the saw and screwdriver.
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
So all you gotta do is take it like this and kind of bend it like that.
Gilligan strikes the bent saw with the business end of the screwdriver. The SAW makes a BOING sound.
MARY ANN
You think I can play it?
GILLIGAN
Sure, why not? Here.
Gilligan stands up and hands the saw to Mary Ann.
MARY ANN
I don't have much of an ear for music.
Mary Ann sits down. Gilligan hands Mary Ann the screwdriver.
GILLIGAN
You don't need an ear, just a knee.
Mary Ann strikes the bent saw with the screwdriver. The SAW makes an otherworldly BOING sound.
MARY ANN
Hey!
Mary Ann stands up and kisses Gilligan on the cheek.
MARY ANN (cont'd)
Oh, Gilligan, you're wonderful!
The BOING sound. Gilligan looks embarrassed. Mary Ann looks at the saw, which wasn't struck and didn't make a sound. Mary Ann looks back at Gilligan, who smiles sheepishly at her.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
Mr. Howell, dressed in tuxedo tails, stands in front of a podium, hums, and uses a baton to practice directing the island orchestra. Mrs. Howell enters from the jungle.
PUSH IN TO THE HOWELLS
MRS HOWELL
Thurston, what are you doing with two batons?
MR HOWELL
When Mickey Mantle comes to home plate, he always waves two bats, you see. So I have two batons. Isn't that ingenious?
MRS HOWELL
Oh, darling, you have a magnificent, brilliant mind.
MR HOWELL
And it's ideal for Rimsky-Korsakov. You see, one for Rimsky, and the other for Korsakov. And as we say in musical circles, Bach to Bach. Over there.
(directs Mrs. Howell away from the podium)
Patrons and sponsors, if you please.
PROFESSOR appears from the jungle.
PROFESSOR
Da-da-dum.
MR HOWELL
Da-da-dum.
PROFESSOR
Da-da-dum.
MR HOWELL
Da-da-dum.
PROFESSOR
Da-da-dum.
MR HOWELL
Wait a minute. Wait a minute, there's an echo on this island.
PROFESSOR
Oh, it's me, Mister Howell. Well, I see you're getting ready to conduct.
NEW ANGLE
MR HOWELL
Yes, I'm just gonna say, "a one, and a two" to borrow some numbers from our friend Lawrence Welk.
MRS. HOWELL
MRS HOWELL
Professor, have you decided on your musical instrument?
PROFESSOR AND MR. HOWELL
PROFESSOR
Why, yes, I have, Missus Howell. If this turns out as I anticipate, I'll be playing the flute.
MRS. HOWELL
MRS HOWELL
Oh, well then, it will be a flute, because there isn't enough wood there for a cello.
PROFESSOR AND MR. HOWELL
Mr. Howell laughs.
MRS HOWELL (O.S.)
Well, toodle-oo.
MRS. HOWELL
MRS HOWELL
I have to make arrangements for our first rehearsal.
Mrs. Howell turns and exits.
PROFESSOR AND MR. HOWELL
Mr. Howell waves at Mrs. Howell.
MR HOWELL
Yes, yes, of course, darling.
(to Professor)
That's very ingenious. When does it go back on the assembly line?
PROFESSOR
It's practically finished right now, Mister Howell.
NEW ANGLE
Professor plays NOTES on the bamboo FLUTE. Professor hits an off-key NOTE. Mr. Howell grimaces.
PROFESSOR AND MR. HOWELL
Professor plays the flute. Mr. Howell presses his finger on one of the flute's holes to change the NOTE.
NEW ANGLE
MR HOWELL
That's very good! Ready for the rehearsal. Over there, Professor.
Mr Howell directs Professor to a spot where the orchestra will be.
BACK TO SCENE
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
And the conductor. There we are.
PROFESSOR
plays the flute with some skill.
MR. HOWELL
conducts Professor's playing.
PROFESSOR
plays the flute, this time hitting some sour notes.
NEW ANGLE
Professor continues to play and Mr. Howell conducts.
SKIPPER
appears from the jungle, carrying a baton. He watches Professor and Mr. Howell for a few moments.
BACK TO SCENE
Professor continues to play and Mr. Howell conducts.
MR. HOWELL
conducts vigorously. Professor's sour notes causes Mr. Howell to roll his eyes.
PROFESSOR
plays his best, which isn't very good.
SKIPPER
watches from the side. He holds his baton. Skipper's face reveals his displeasure with Professor's sour notes. He approaches the men.
BACK TO SCENE
SKIPPER
Just a moment, Mister Howell. Just what do you think you're doing?
MR. HOWELL
MR HOWELL
Well, I‑‑I'm getting ready for rehearsal for the concert, you see.
SKIPPER
SKIPPER
Oh, there must be some misunderstanding. You see, I'm the conductor.
MR. HOWELL
MR HOWELL
Oh, no, no. You're the skipper, and I'm the conductor.
BACK TO SCENE
Skipper taps his baton on Professor's flute.
SKIPPER
Oh, just hold it, Professor.
Professor stops playing the flute.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
I want to tell you, what is this?
Skipper holds up his baton.
MR. HOWELL
MR HOWELL
Well, that looks like a long toothpick or a short pool cue.
SKIPPER
SKIPPER
It's a baton. And who made you the conductor?
MR. HOWELL
MR HOWELL
An impartial judge, Missus Howell.
SKIPPER
SKIPPER
I thought so. Well, for your information, I used to conduct...
MR. HOWELL
SKIPPER (O.S.)
...the band for the Navy.
MR HOWELL
Well, any music that you conducted should be banned.
BACK TO SCENE
All three men laugh.
SKIPPER
Very funny. Well, I will prove to you who is the best conductor.
(to Professor)
Professor.
Skipper conducts. Professor begins playing his flute. Mr. Howell taps his baton on the podium.
MR HOWELL
Just a minute, Professor. You take it from me. Do you mind? Just take it‑‑
Mr. Howell also conducts. Skipper stops conducting.
SKIPPER
(to Mr. Howell)
I shall lead the orchestra!
MR HOWELL
No, I'm leading the orchestra!
Skipper uses his baton like a sword.
SKIPPER
En garde, Mister Howell!
Skipper and Mr. Howell mock sword fight. Skipper takes the upper hand and Mr. Howell retreats.
MR HOWELL
Take it, Professor!
Skipper pushes his baton against Mr. Howell's and pushes him back.
FLIP TO:
EXT. ORCHESTRA STAGE - DAY
PODIUM
Mrs. Howell raps a baton against the music stand attached to the top of the podium.
PULL BACK
to reveal Mrs. Howell and the island orchestra.
MRS HOWELL
Quiet, children, quiet. Musicians, hush.
PROFESSOR
Gilligan‑‑
Professor realizes Mrs. Howell wants his attention and he quiets himself and turns toward her. The other island orchestra members also quiet themselves.
MRS. HOWELL
MRS HOWELL
Now we'll start our first number. One-uh, two-uh, three-uh.
ISLAND ORCHESTRA
play.
SKIPPER AND PROFESSOR
play a shell mouth organ and the flute. Skipper blows into the FOG HORN which makes a horrible HONK. They stop playing.
MRS. HOWELL
MRS HOWELL (cont'd)
What was that? It sounded like a foghorn.
SKIPPER
SKIPPER
It was.
MRS. HOWELL
MRS HOWELL
What is a foghorn doing in our orchestra?
SKIPPER
SKIPPER
Well, I'm sorry, maestro, but it can't be helped. This is the foghorn off the S.S. Minnow.
GINGER
GINGER
It sounds all right to me. Besides, we need it for "Foggy Day in London Town."
SKIPPER
SKIPPER
Thank you, Ginger.
MRS. HOWELL
MRS HOWELL
Now let's get on with Strauss and "The Blue Danube." One, two, three.
GINGER AND MARY ANN
play the xylophone and the saw.
MR. HOWELL AND GILLIGAN
play the triangle and the drums. Mr. Howell strikes the triangle with a hammer, but hits his finger on the fourth note.
MRS. HOWELL
MRS HOWELL (cont'd)
Musicians, please. Among all those beautiful notes, that sounded like a clinker.
SKIPPER
SKIPPER
It was that square on the triangle.
MR. HOWELL AND GILLIGAN
MR HOWELL
This is a very difficult instrument! It's easy to play a wind instrument.
SKIPPER
SKIPPER
Yeah, especially for you, with all that hot air.
MR. HOWELL AND GILLIGAN
MR HOWELL
Heavens of Toscanini! I've been insulted.
MRS. HOWELL
MRS HOWELL
Ah-ah-ah-ah. No temper. More tempo.
ISLAND ORCHESTRA
MRS HOWELL (O.S.)
One-uh, two-uh, three-uh.
They begin playing.
SKIPPER
plays his shell mouth organ.
GINGER AND MARY ANN
play the xylophone and the saw.
MR. HOWELL AND GILLIGAN
play the triangle and the drums.
GINGER AND MARY ANN
play.
SKIPPER AND PROFESSOR
play.
HIGH ANGLE
Mrs. Howell conducts the island orchestra to the end of the song. Gilligan plays a drum solo after the other musicians stop.
EXT. OCEAN - DAY
About two dozen canoes filled with island warriors approach the island.
EXT. LAGOON - DAY
Three canoes have beached. The island warriors exit their canoes. Most prominent among them is the ISLAND CHIEF.
ISLAND CHIEF
points and instructs his warriors what to do. The Island Chief instructs his SCOUT.
SUPERIMPOSE:
"SCOUT ENEMY POSITION."
SUPERIMPOSE:
"MEET US BACK HERE."
The scout exits. The Island Chief instructs his other warriors.
FLIP TO:
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
The Scout parts the bushes. ISLAND ORCHESTRA MUSIC plays. He furrows his brow and wonders what is causing the horrible sound. He winces at each off-key note.
EXT. ORCHESTRA STAGE - DAY
SKIPPER AND PROFESSOR
play their instruments. Professor notices the Scout but continues playing. He turns around and catches Skipper's attention, motioning to where the Scout is. Skipper looks toward the Scout.
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
The Scout watches the orchestra.
EXT. ORCHESTRA STAGE - DAY
Skipper rises from his seat.
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
SCOUT
closes the bushes he peered through.
TRACK WITH SKIPPER
as he sneaks up on the Scout and captures the Scout. The Scout shouts.
EXT. ORCHESTRA STAGE - DAY
The island orchestra stops and the men stand up and hurry toward the commotion between Skipper and the Scout.
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
TRACK WITH PROFESSOR
as he runs to the Skipper, who holds the Scout tightly.
PROFESSOR
Where did he come from?
SKIPPER
I don't know.
MR HOWELL
How dare you interrupt our concert?
SKIPPER, SCOUT, AND PROFESSOR
The Scout points at Mr. Howell and speaks his native tongue.
MR. HOWELL AND GILLIGAN
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Stop with those lame excuses. You're absolutely uncivilized.
SKIPPER, SCOUT, AND PROFESSOR
PROFESSOR
Please, Mister Howell. Let me try to communicate with him.
(in French)
Parlez-vous français?
The Scout looks at Professor, but clearly doesn't understand.
PROFESSOR (cont'd)
(in Spanish)
¿Se hablas español?
The Scout furrows his brow. He doesn't understand. Professor points at the Scout.
PROFESSOR (cont'd)
(in German)
Sprechen sie Deutsch?
ALL FIVE MEN
GILLIGAN
Professor, let me try it.
Gilligan questions the Scout in what sounds like gibberish.
SKIPPER, SCOUT, AND PROFESSOR
Scout speaks back to Gilligan and points at him. Professor looks astonished that Gilligan has communicated with the Scout.
SKIPPER
What'd he say?
MR. HOWELL AND GILLIGAN
GILLIGAN
Who?
SKIPPER (O.S.)
Him.
GILLIGAN
I don't know.
SKIPPER, SCOUT, AND PROFESSOR
SKIPPER
Gilligan, he just answered you. What'd he say?
MR. HOWELL AND GILLIGAN
GILLIGAN
I know, but I forgot what I asked him.
MR HOWELL
Oh, let me handle this!
ALL FIVE MEN
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
I'll speak the language everybody understands: money. Here, buy yourself a mahogany surfboard.
The Scout holds out his hand. Mr. Howell places cash into his hand. He looks at Mr. Howell.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Ah, shrewd fellow! He wants more.
(places more cash in his hand)
There you go.
The Scout looks at the cash and brings it to his mouth to taste it.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Oh! Give me that!
Mr. Howell removes the cash from the Scout's hand. Gilligan takes some of the cash too.
PROFESSOR
Look at this.
SKIPPER, SCOUT, AND PROFESSOR
Skipper holds Other Island Advance Scout. Professor examines the knife Other Island Advance Scout carried.
PROFESSOR (cont'd)
According to the markings on this knife, I'd say this fellow is a member of a fierce, primitive tribe.
SKIPPER
Well, Professor, what's he doing on this island?
PROFESSOR
He's probably an advance scout for the tribe. I'd say we're in great danger of being attacked.
SKIPPER
We'd better not tell the others.
EXT. HILL - DAY
Dozens of warriors appear at the crest of the hill.
EXT. ORCHESTRA STAGE - DAY
Mary Ann sees the warriors at the crest of the hill. She points to them.
MARY ANN
Look!
Ginger and Mrs. Howell turn and look in the direction Mary Ann points.
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
The men heard Mary Ann shout and also look in the direction she points. They see the warriors at the crest of the hill.
EXT. HILL - DAY
Other Island Chief directs the warriors. The warriors make their way down the hill.
EXT. ORCHESTRA STAGE - DAY
Ginger, Mary Ann, and Mrs. Howell scream and flee.
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
The men's mouths are agape. The Scout twists and escapes Skipper's grip. They turn to flee.
ANGLE ON WOMEN
as they run through the jungle.
MRS HOWELL
What are we going to do?
The women run to the men.
MR HOWELL
Come here, dear.
The castaways huddle together.
SKIPPER
Just stay calm now, everybody. We'll head for the south end of the island.
Skipper motions toward the south end of the island.
MR HOWELL
South. That's this way.
The castaways run through the jungle.
EXT. HILL - DAY
The warriors make their way down the hill toward the castaways.
FLIP TO:
EXT. SOUTH END OF ISLAND - DAY
Skipper leads the other castaways toward the beach. Skipper stops.
SKIPPER
Wait!
EXT. OCEAN - DAY
Warriors in boats head for the island.
EXT. SOUTH END OF ISLAND - DAY
Skipper turns and waves them toward the east end of the island.
SKIPPER
The east end! The east end of the island! The east end.
MR HOWELL
That way!
FLIP TO:
EXT. EAST END OF ISLAND - DAY
SKIPPER
Wait!
EXT. EAST END OF ISLAND - DAY
Warriors paddle boats in an inlet on the east end of the island.
EXT. EAST END OF ISLAND - DAY
Skipper sees the warriors and leads the castaways to the west end of the island.
SKIPPER
This way! The west end!
MR HOWELL
The west end!
The castaways follow Skipper.
FLIP TO:
EXT. WEST END OF ISLAND - DAY
Skipper leads the castaways down a path on the west end of the island. He sees the dozens of warriors in canoes.
SKIPPER
Look!
EXT. WEST END OF ISLAND - DAY
Dozens of warriors in canoes approach the island.
EXT. WEST END OF ISLAND - DAY
Gilligan and Skipper look out toward the ocean.
GILLIGAN
What do we do now? We're all out of ends.
THE OTHER CASTAWAYS
run to catch up with them.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
Professor, Skipper, and Gilligan sneak through the jungle to reconnoiter the warriors. They find a boulder and crouch behind it. Some fern branches block Gilligan's view.
GILLIGAN
What's going on out there?
Skipper quickly puts his hand over Gilligan's mouth to quiet him. Professor shushes Gilligan.
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
SCOUT
reports to Island Chief. Other warriors listen to him.
SUPERIMPOSE:
"VERY STRANGE ENEMY"
He points to himself and then spreads his hands.
SUPERIMPOSE:
"MAKE VERY STRANGE NOISE"
Scout motions as if describing a fat man. Island Chief listens to the story and nods.
PULL BACK TO INCLUDE ISLAND CHIEF
SUPERIMPOSE:
"WITH VERY STRANGE WEAPONS."
Scout confirms by nodding his head. Scout motions as if describing a thin man, but waves his hand and shakes his head as if to discount any threat. Scout mimics drumming and then points to his ear lobes as if describing earrings on the women and doesn't understand what women are. Island Chief points off into the distance.
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
Skipper removes his hand from Gilligan's mouth.
SKIPPER
Gilligan, if they hear us, we're finished.
PROFESSOR
Skipper, we've got to face something. Sooner or later those natives will find the cave where we've been hiding.
SKIPPER
I know, but if we stay in that cave, we're gonna starve to death.
GILLIGAN
That's a great idea.
SKIPPER
What's a great idea?
GILLIGAN
If we're nothing but skin and bones, those cannibals won't kill us. So if we starve to death, we'll save our lives.
Gilligan puts his hand over his own mouth, beating Skipper to it, which frustrates Skipper.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. CAVE - NIGHT
ZOOM TO SKIPPER IN THE CAVE ENTRANCE
The castaways huddle together for safety. Skipper keeps watch.
INT. CAVE - NIGHT
Skipper joins the others huddled inside the cave. Mary Ann rubs her arms.
MARY ANN
Oh, I'm so cold. This cave is freezing at night.
PROFESSOR
Well, the best way to keep warm is to stay close together like this.
MRS HOWELL
Can't we light a fire? Even my blue blood is starting to cube up.
MR HOWELL
I'm frozen. I've got peacock bumps!
GINGER
You mean goose bumps.
MR HOWELL
On a Howell?
GILLIGAN
Skipper, I'm freezing. I'm going numb! I'm going numb!
SKIPPER
If everyone wants to keep nice and warm, I know a perfect way.
MARY ANN
Oh, how?
SKIPPER
Just follow me.
They stand and follow Skipper to the cave entrance.
NEW ANGLE
GILLIGAN
Where are we going?
SKIPPER
We're gonna give ourselves up to the cannibals and they'll put us in a nice hot pot.
BACK TO SCENE - UNDERCRANKED CAMERA
The castaways rush back to the where they huddled previously.
FLIP TO:
INT./EXT. CAVE - NIGHT
Professor carries firewood, backs toward the cave entrance, and looks for warriors. He brings the wood to Gilligan and Skipper.
PROFESSOR
I can't see a thing out there. I'm sure it's all right to start the fire now.
SKIPPER
Good, Professor. Here, Gilligan, take these two sticks and start rubbing them together.
GILLIGAN
Aye-aye, sir.
NEW ANGLE
Professor puts the wood down on top of some rocks that should serve to contain their fire. Gilligan rubs the two sticks together.
PROFESSOR
Gilligan, would it be faster if I helped you?
GILLIGAN
No, it'd be faster if I used my matches.
SKIPPER
Matches? You've got matches?
GILLIGAN
Sure.
SKIPPER
Well, why didn't you use them?
GILLIGAN
Because you told me to rub two sticks together.
Skipper grabs the two sticks from Gilligan.
SKIPPER
Just light that fire!
Skipper puts the two sticks on top of the wood. Gilligan reaches into his pocket.
FLIP TO:
INT. CAVE - LATER
CAMPFIRE
PULL BACK TO MARY ANN, MRS. HOWELL, MR. HOWELL, GILLIGAN, AND GINGER
warming themselves by the campfire. Skipper and Professor guard the cave entrance.
MARY ANN
Even with those savages outside, I feel better now that we have this fire.
GINGER
GINGER
Oh, I've still got goose bumps, but at least they're warm.
MRS. HOWELL, MR. HOWELL, AND GILLIGAN
GILLIGAN
You know, if it weren't for those cannibals, we could have kind of a picnic.
MR HOWELL
Don't mention cannibals and picnic in the same breath. If they find this cave, we'll be the main course.
MRS HOWELL
Thurston.
MR HOWELL
I know, it was vulgar.
MRS HOWELL
Well, at least let me think of myself as the dessert.
BACK TO SCENE
GILLIGAN
We could have a barbecue if we had hot dogs and hamburgers.
MARY ANN
Oh, Gilligan, stop the food talk.
GILLIGAN
But I'm hungry.
GINGER
GINGER
Oh, we all are. We haven't eaten for ten hours.
MRS. HOWELL, MR. HOWELL, AND GILLIGAN
GILLIGAN
Ten hours? Then I'm starved.
MR HOWELL
Don't mention food. It makes us hungrier.
GILLIGAN
All right, all right. I won't mention food again. I won't mention food even if you burn me at the stake.
(pause)
Steak?
BACK TO SCENE
The castaways gathered at the campfire look uncomfortable.
PROFESSOR AND SKIPPER
PROFESSOR
(sotto)
Skipper, I recall reading a Professor Oldenberg's text on primitive tribes and customs. That the more primitive the tribe the more superstitious it is.
SKIPPER
Well, with this bunch, we must've hit the jackpot.
PROFESSOR
And they're terrified of various gods. Now, listen, if we could convince them that we were gods with mystical powers, they might flee in panic.
SKIPPER
But, Professor, how are we gonna do that?
PROFESSOR
Well, Professor Oldenberg cited a case where he saved his own life by using a radio on the Papuan tribe. They heard a voice coming from a box and they thought the Professor was a god.
SKIPPER
It's worth a chance. If we stay in here, we'll starve to death.
PROFESSOR
I'll get the radio from the hut.
SKIPPER
Good luck, Professor.
PROFESSOR
And I'll take Gilligan along with me.
Professor turns to go back to the hut.
SKIPPER
Lots of luck, Professor.
FLIP TO:
EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT
A warrior walks through the jungle. He comes to a clearing where the other warriors sit.
ZOOM TO GILLIGAN AND PROFESSOR
reveal themselves from the jungle by peering through a break between plants.
GILLIGAN AND PROFESSOR
PROFESSOR
Let's hope this works, Gilligan.
GILLIGAN
I hope so. Look at those sharp spears. I'd hate to wind up like a shish kebab.
PROFESSOR
Well, here goes.
Professor turns to approach the warriors, but he's stopped by Gilligan.
GILLIGAN
Don't you think you ought to turn the radio on?
PROFESSOR
Oh.
GILLIGAN
Hope it's something good.
RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
‑‑and that’s today’s weather.
NEW ANGLE
Professor holds the RADIO up and approaches the warriors. Gilligan follows closely behind him.
RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (cont'd)
Tomorrow will be warm and sunny, followed by scattered showers.
PULL BACK
The warriors stand. Professor continues to approach them.
RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (cont'd)
So don't forget, if you need money, drop in at our main office. No ...
REVERSE ANGLE
The warriors slowly back up. They discuss in their native tongue.
RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (cont'd)
... papers to sign, no red tape. No red tape! Just ask for Friendly Henry.
PROFESSOR AND GILLIGAN
RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (cont'd)
We're here to serve all your money problems.
PROFESSOR
Here, Gilligan. You hold it.
(hands radio to Gilligan)
I'm gonna try to hasten their departure.
ANGLE ON WARRIORS, PROFESSOR, AND GILLIGAN
Gilligan holds the RADIO over his head. Professor holds his arms wide.
RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Friendly Henry has a solid institution with assets of twenty-two million‑‑
Gilligan trips and falls on the ground and drops the radio.
GILLIGAN
on his hands and knees, grabs the radio and pulls it toward him.
GILLIGAN
Come on, Henry, get friendly again.
Gilligan fiddles with the radio's knobs.
WARRIORS
hear no sound and creep toward Professor and Gilligan.
PROFESSOR AND GILLIGAN
Gilligan runs away as fast as he can, leaving Professor to fend for himself.
BACK TO SCENE
The warriors rush and capture Professor as Gilligan disappears into the jungle.
FLIP TO:
INT. CAVE - NIGHT
Skipper and Mr. Howell pace back and forth while Mary Ann, Mrs. Howell, and Ginger warm themselves by the campfire.
SKIPPER
Where are they? They've been gone for hours.
PUSH IN TO MR. HOWELL AND SKIPPER
MR HOWELL
Well, don't worry, Skipper. The Professor can cope with anything. That man has got a good head on his shoulders.
SKIPPER
Why, I'm also worried about Gilligan.
MR HOWELL
He's got something on his shoulders, too, except I can't figure out what it is.
Gilligan runs in the cave entrance and joins them.
SKIPPER
Gilligan! Where's the Professor?
GILLIGAN
They got him.
GINGER, MRS. HOWELL, AND MARY ANN
are astonished to hear the news.
SKIPPER (O.S.)
Oh, no.
MR. HOWELL, GILLIGAN, AND SKIPPER
GILLIGAN
Yeah, they thought we were gods, until Friendly Henry stopped talking.
MR HOWELL
Friendly Henry? Who is Friendly Henry?
GILLIGAN
He's the radio announcer. He was telling about the weather. Then he was gonna tell them about‑‑
SKIPPER
Oh, never mind that, Gilligan. We've gotta go there and rescue him.
GILLIGAN
Right.
SKIPPER
Then we gotta find something else to make them think that we're gods.
GILLIGAN
The flashlight, huh?
SKIPPER
The flashlight. Good idea, Gilligan!
FLIP TO:
EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT
Gilligan spreads branches and peers between them. He releases the branches and disappears. Skipper spreads branches and motions Gilligan to be quiet.
WARRIORS
sleep in the clearing by their campfire.
GILLIGAN AND SKIPPER
GILLIGAN
Oh, the poor Professor.
SKIPPER
What happened to him, Gilligan? Did you see him?
GILLIGAN
No, but some of those natives look fatter.
Skipper is startled by the suggestion.
SKIPPER
Gilligan, they've probably got him tied up someplace.
GILLIGAN
I sure hope so.
SKIPPER
Well, we'll get him after we get rid of these natives. Now, I'll take the flashlight and flash it in their faces and frighten them into thinking we're some kind of gods.
GILLIGAN
Right.
SKIPPER
Give me the flashlight.
Gilligan hands Skipper the flashlight.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Come on, Gilligan.
WIDER SHOT
Skipper appears from the brush and creeps slowly toward the sleeping warriors. Gilligan follows closely behind him. Skipper growls at the warriors. They awake.
REVERSE ANGLE
The warriors quickly rise to their feet.
SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN
SKIPPER (cont'd)
I am the god of light!
Skipper tries to scare them with the flashlight, but it doesn't illuminate.
WARRIORS
close in on Skipper and Gilligan.
SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN
Skipper tries again.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
I am the god of light!
WARRIORS
are not fooled. They move closer.
SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Gilligan, it doesn't work!
GILLIGAN
I guess I forgot to put the batteries in. Run for your life!
BACK TO SCENE
The warrior capture Skipper. Gilligan flees into the jungle.
ISLAND CHIEF AND SKIPPER
The island chief brandishes a large blade.
FLIP TO:
INT. CAVE - NIGHT
Mr. Howell, Mrs. Howell, Mary Ann, and Ginger play charades. Mr. Howell pantomimes.
MRS. HOWELL, MARY ANN, AND GINGER
MARY ANN
Pot!
MR HOWELL (O.S.)
Yes.
GINGER
Big pot.
(pause)
Jackie Gleason.
BACK TO SCENE
MR HOWELL
Sounds like ‑‑
Gilligan runs into the cave and joins the others.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Gilligan, what's the matter? Where's the Captain?
Gilligan struggles to catch his breath.
GILLIGAN
They got him.
GINGER
Oh, not the Skipper, too?
MARY ANN
Oh, you didn't trip and drop the flashlight?
MR. HOWELL AND GILLIGAN
GILLIGAN
Of course not. I forgot to put the batteries in.
MR HOWELL
We've gotta rescue the Skipper and the Professor. Let's go, Gilligan.
GILLIGAN
You want me to go along?
MR HOWELL
Yeah, come on, let's go.
BACK TO SCENE
MRS HOWELL
Thurston! Thurston!
MR HOWELL
Lovey, my dear. One final word?
MRS. HOWELL, MARY ANN, AND GINGER
MRS HOWELL
What was that charade we were trying to guess?
MR. HOWELL AND GILLIGAN
MR HOWELL
"The Natives are Restless Tonight."
Mr. Howell and Gilligan turn and exit the cave.
MRS. HOWELL, MARY ANN, AND GINGER
MRS HOWELL
Of course.
FLIP TO:
EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT
The warriors have gathered around the campfire and discuss among themselves.
GILLIGAN AND MR. HOWELL
peer through the bushes. Gilligan carries a small fire extinguisher from the S.S. Minnow.
MR HOWELL
(sotto)
What is that thing, anyway?
GILLIGAN
(sotto)
The fire extinguisher from the S.S. Minnow.
MR HOWELL
We're supposed to rescue the Professor and the Skipper. Leave the fire to Smokey the Bear, will you?
GILLIGAN
Mister Howell, we gotta convince the natives we're gods. You know the white stuff that comes out of here?
MR HOWELL
It's carbon dioxide. It smothers fires.
GILLIGAN
Yeah. I'll spray it all over my head and those natives'll think my hair turned white right before their eyes.
MR HOWELL
I feel my hair turning white right now.
GILLIGAN
Come on, Mister Howell. Just follow me. Come on.
Gilligan and Mr. Howell approach the warriors.
NEW ANGLE
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
Watch this now, Mister Howell.
Gilligan growls toward the natives.
BACK TO SCENE
The warriors turn and notice Gilligan.
MR. HOWELL AND GILLIGAN
Gilligan removes his hat.
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
Watch.
Gilligan sprays the fire extinguisher over his head. His hair becomes white.
NEW ANGLE
The warriors back off.
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
How about that, huh, Mister Howell? Lookin'‑‑they're all scared. They think I'm a god, huh?
MR. HOWELL AND GILLIGAN
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
You wanna try it?
MR HOWELL
Yeah. Here, let me try.
Mr. Howell shouts gibberish at the warriors. He jumps up and down and removes his hat.
WIDER ANGLE
Mr. Howell tries to spray the fire extinguisher, but nothing comes out.
MR. HOWELL AND GILLIGAN
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Wait a minute. Here! No!
Gilligan flees into the jungle, leaving Mr. Howell to the warriors. The warriors capture Mr. Howell.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
I'm a Harvard man!
FLIP TO:
INT./EXT. CAVE - NIGHT
Gilligan, his head covered in the fire extinguisher material, stumbles to the cave where the women still hide.
MRS HOWELL
Oh, you poor boy. Where's my dear Thurston?
GILLIGAN
They got him.
MRS HOWELL
Oh, the poor darling. He's much too rich to die.
MARY ANN
Oh, Missus Howell, he'll be all right, I'm sure.
GINGER
What do we do now? That's‑‑that's the end of the men.
GILLIGAN
I'm still here!
GINGER
As I was saying ‑‑
GILLIGAN
Well, I'll show you. I'll rescue them.
Gilligan turns and exits the cave.
MRS HOWELL
Oh, Gilligan, don't leave us here alone.
The women chase after Gilligan.
MARY ANN
Gilligan!
MRS HOWELL
Gilligan!
FLIP TO:
EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT
Gilligan enters the clearing where the warriors were. The campfire smolders. The warriors are gone.
GILLIGAN
This is where they were, but they're gone.
MRS HOWELL
What's happened to them?
GINGER
Where can they be?
GILLIGAN
I don't know. Maybe they had a good meal and left.
MRS HOWELL
Oh, Gilligan!
GILLIGAN
I'm sorry, Missus Howell.
MARY ANN
Gee, it's almost daylight. Oh‑‑maybe they went to our camp.
Oh, let's go see.
FLIP TO:
EXT. OCEAN BEACH - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAWN
Island Orchestra MUSIC plays.
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
The island orchestra MUSIC continues to play. Gilligan runs through the jungle followed by the women. He comes to a stop and the women stop with him. He can't believe what he sees...
EXT. ORCHESTRA STAGE - DAY
The warriors dance to MUSIC. Skipper, Professor, and Mr. Howell play.
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
Island Orchestra MUSIC plays. Mary Ann and Gilligan exchange glances. Ginger and Mrs. Howell exchange glances. Gilligan smiles and runs toward the stage. Mary Ann smiles and follows Gilligan.
EXT. ORCHESTRA STAGE - DAY
Gilligan, Mary Ann, and Ginger join the men on stage and play their instruments. Mrs. Howell takes her place at the podium. The warriors dance.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO
TAG
FADE IN:
EXT. LAGOON - DAY
WARRIORS
row their canoes out toward sea. The island chief stands tall. The castaways walk down a path on the east side of the lagoon inlet.
REVERSE ANGLE
The warrior paddle away.
MR HOWELL (O.S.)
I'll offer you money!
CASTAWAYS
SKIPPER
We're marooned on this island!
PROFESSOR
You've got to get help for us!
MR HOWELL
Anything you want. I'll buy you your own island.
SKIPPER
They don't understand what we're saying. They're going anyway.
GILLIGAN
You know, they liked my drum-playing so much, I'm gonna give them a send-off.
SKIPPER
Oh, never mind that now, Gilligan.
GILLIGAN
But they were friendly, and I wanna be friendly.
ZOOM TO GILLIGAN
Gilligan BEATS his DRUM.
EXT. ANOTHER ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT AERIAL VIEW - DAY
SUPERIMPOSE:
"STILL ANOTHER ISLAND"
EXT. ANOTHER ISLAND - DAY
OTHER ISLAND SEER
listens to the BEAT of Gilligan's DRUM.
SUPERIMPOSE:
"ENEMY WAR DRUMS"
PULL BACK
The another island seer and the another island chief speak to each other.
SUPERIMPOSE:
"WE MUST ATTACK AT ONCE."
They turn and disappear into the jungle.
EXT. ANOTHER ISLAND BEACH - DAY
Dozens of another island warriors run for their canoes.
EXT. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY
FADE OUT.
THE END