Mrs. Howell engineers a romance between Gilligan and Mary Ann.
“The Matchmaker”
By
Joanna Lee
March 20, 1965
FADE IN:
EXT. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY
Mrs. Howell sits at a writing desk. A writing pad lies on the table in front of her. Mr. Howell reclines next to her on a chaise lounge chair. A large leaf covers his face. His arms are folded across his chest.
MRS HOWELL
Dear. The opening of the opera, the horse show, two debutante balls.
Mr. Howell stirs and vocalizes.
MR HOWELL
What on Earth are you talking about, Lovey?
MRS HOWELL
Oh, nothing, dear. Go back to sleep. It's not your fault anyway.
MR HOWELL
Thank you.
Mr. Howell removes the leaf and turns to Mrs. Howell.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
What's -- What's not my fault?
MRS HOWELL
Well, that we're sitting out the entire social season on this silly little island.
MR HOWELL
You're absolutely right. It's --it‘s not my fault.
Mr. Howell flips the leaf back over his face and folds his arms over his chest.
MRS HOWELL
I don't mind missing the other things, but, Thurston, the weddings! Oh!
EXT. JUNGLE PATH - DAY
Gilligan carries Mary Ann down a jungle path.
INT./EXT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY
Mrs. Howell passes Mr. Howell as she walks toward the window. The leaf no longer sits on Mr. Howell's face.
MRS HOWELL
If there was just something I could do here -- like a charity ball or a benefit luncheon -- or making a perfect match.
MR HOWELL
Chin up, Lovey.
Mr. Howell flips the leaf onto his face.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
We won't be on this dreary little island forever.
Mrs. Howell stands at the window, turns, and looks out.
EXT. CAMP - DAY
Gilligan carries Mary Ann toward a large boulder.
INT./EXT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY
Mrs. Howell sees Gilligan and Mary Ann and hatches an idea.
MRS HOWELL
Thurston!
Mrs. Howell turns toward her husband.
INT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY
Mr. Howell reclines on the chaise lounge chair. The leaf covers his face. His arms are folded across his chest.
MRS. HOWELL
excited turns back toward Mr. Howell.
MRS HOWELL
Thurston, can't the captain of a ship marry people?
Mr. Howell removes the leaf from his face.
MR HOWELL
Yes, as a matter of fact, he can. Why?
Mrs. Howell walks from the window back to the writing desk and sits down.
MRS HOWELL
Why didn't I think of that before? They're the most perfect match. A little offbeat, of course, but then that's terribly chic. And it's the right season, too.
Mr. Howell sits up and turns toward Mrs. Howell.
MR HOWELL
Lovey, what on Earth are you talking about?
MRS HOWELL
Well, a wedding, of course. I have a thousand things to do.
Mrs. Howell makes notes on a writing pad.
MR HOWELL
If it's not asking too much, whose wedding?
Mrs. Howell motions Mr. Howell to follow her. She walks to the window. Mr. Howell follows her.
INT./EXT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY
The Howells peer out of the window.
EXT. CAMP - DAY
Gilligan carries Mary Ann over to a chair next to a small square table. In a different location, it would be a night stand. In the middle of the table sits a tiny bowl. Gilligan gently lowers Mary Ann onto the chair. She rubs her right ankle.
INT./EXT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY
The Howells peer out of the window.
MR HOWELL
I still don't understand. There's no one there but Gilligan and Mary Ann.
MRS HOWELL
Exactly. Romeo and Juliet.
Mr. Howell glances at Mrs. Howell. He raises and lowers his eyebrows in recognition of her plot.
FADE OUT.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
INT./EXT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY
The Howells peer out of the window.
MR HOWELL
Nuptials betw--
Mrs. Howell shushes him.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
(sotto)
Nuptials between Gilligan and Mary Ann? They're not even aware of each other's existence, Lovey.
MRS HOWELL
Of course they are. Look at them out there. With a bit of encouragement, they could be madly in love.
EXT. CAMP - DAY
Mary Ann sits in the chair and rubs her right ankle. Gilligan kneels before her.
MARY ANN
Gilligan, you should have told me you set that trap. I might have broken a leg.
GILLIGAN
Gee, I'm sorry you fell in, Mary Ann. Here, let me rub it and make it better.
Gilligan roughly grabs Mary Ann's right leg. Mary Ann throws her head back in discomfort. He releases her leg and she speaks directly to him. Mary Ann rubs her right leg.
MARY ANN
No, Gilligan, that's all right. What were you trying to catch, anyway?
GILLIGAN
An anteater.
MARY ANN
An anteater? Whatever for?
GILLIGAN
For Ginger, the poor girl.
MARY ANN
You mean she told you to catch an anteater?
GILLIGAN
No, the Skipper did. The Skipper said she had ants in her belfry -- wherever that is. So I was gonna help her get rid of them.
MARY ANN
Gilligan, I'm sure the Skipper said, "Bats in her belfry."
Gilligan puzzles over his mistake, turns, and sits on the ground.
GILLIGAN
Bats? Where am I gonna find a bat-eater? I don't even know what they look like.
INT./EXT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY
The Howells peer out of the window.
MR HOWELL
Lovey, don't you get it? Gilligan and Mary Ann haven't shown the slightest romantic inclination toward each other.
MRS HOWELL
Well, of course not, dear. If they can manage on their own, they wouldn't need me, would they?
INT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY
Mr. Howell walks back to the chaise lounge chair.
MR HOWELL
Lovey, I want you to stop this ridiculous plan of action at once!
Mr. Howell places the leaf over his face. Mrs. Howell follows him. To comfort him.
MRS HOWELL
All right, darling, if you insist.
Mrs. Howell removes the leaf from his face and rubs his temples.
MRS HOWELL (cont'd)
But it would be so easy. First we get them thinking about marriage in general.
MR HOWELL
No!
MRS HOWELL
And then we get them thinking about each other.
MR HOWELL
No.
MRS HOWELL
Then we get them thinking about the perfect marriage in the flesh. That's us, dear.
MR HOWELL
No. I mean, yes, yes.
MRS HOWELL
It would all be so easy. We'll let nature take its course, hmmm?
Mrs. Howell wraps her arms around Mr. Howell.
MRS HOWELL (cont'd)
And then, I'll work on Mary Ann and you work on Gilligan.
Mr. Howell sits up and breaks Mrs. Howell's gentle hold.
MR HOWELL
No! I will have no part of this cold-blooded, nefarious female scheme!
EXT. JUNGLE PATH - DAY
Mr. Howell walks through the jungle carrying a solid gold camera in one hand and a riding crop in the other.
MR HOWELL
Yes, my boy, a man doesn't start living until after he's married.
Gilligan appears from the foliage behind Mr. Howell. Gilligan carries a tripod and a flash lamp.
GILLIGAN
Thanks for a living now, Mister Howell, this stuff must have cost a fortune.
MR HOWELL
Everything I have costs a fortune, Gilligan, my boy, except this camera. It costs more than a fortune. It's solid gold. It's custom-made. Actually, it's priceless.
GILLIGAN
It's beautiful.
MR HOWELL
Well, it's true, I do like the finer things in life. And so could you, my boy.
GILLIGAN
Oh, I never could be a millionaire.
MR HOWELL
Ho-ho! Don't sell yourself short, Gilligan. Do you think that I was always healthy, handsome, and wealthy?
GILLIGAN
Sure.
MR HOWELL
No! On the contrary, when I was a youth, I was pale, sickly-looking, and inept. Rather like you, my boy.
GILLIGAN
No kidding?
MR HOWELL
Yes, I started to go downhill and then I met Lovey, and that woman changed me. She took me, and she hammered me, and she pounded me and she molded me!
GILLIGAN
That must've hurt.
MR HOWELL
It's a figure of speech, my boy. Here, take the camera.
(hands camera to Gilligan)
I want you to take a picture of me next to this rather rare plant for my album, you understand?
GILLIGAN
Sure thing, Mister Howell.
MR HOWELL
Remember, behind every famous man there stands a woman.
Gilligan frames the shot, but he is too close. He backs up.
MR HOWELL
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Look at Napoleon and Josephine.
BACK TO SCENE
Gilligan steps up onto a rock.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Look at Caesar and Cleopatra.
Gilligan steps up onto a boulder.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Look where you're going, Gilligan!
Gilligan falls off the boulder onto his back on the ground.
MR HOWELL
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Oh, no.
GILLIGAN
examines the camera and removes debris from it. The camera back is open, exposing the film.
GILLIGAN
I think I got your picture.
BACK TO SCENE
Gilligan brings the camera over to Mr. Howell. The zoom lens is bent. The camera back is off. The camera is effectively damaged beyond repair.
MR HOWELL
Have you ever seen a grown man cry? It's a frightening sight!
Mr. Howell takes the camera, turns, and walks away. Gilligan contemplates his mistake.
EXT. CAMP - DAY
Mary Ann pedals the stationary bike to power a bamboo sewing machine that Mrs. Howell uses.
MARY ANN
They're going to be awfully pretty, Missus Howell.
MRS HOWELL
Thank you, dear. Thurston loves these colorful ascots.
MARY ANN
Well, you certainly like to please him, don't you?
MRS HOWELL
It's all I live for. To be a good wife is to be a completely fulfilled woman. You'll find out yourself someday, I hope.
MARY ANN
Oh, I do, too. I want to get married.
MRS HOWELL
Of course you do, dear. Every girl your age does. But time goes so fast.
MARY ANN
Yes, it does, doesn't it? Oh, gee. We could be marooned on this island for years.
MRS HOWELL
And years and years. Of course, there are eligible bachelors right here.
MARY ANN
For me? Who? I'm much too young for the Skipper. The Professor and I have nothing in common. Gilligan, well --
ZOOM ON MARY ANN
Mary Ann stops pedaling and giggles.
MARY ANN (cont'd)
Gilligan a husband?
FLIP TO:
INT. GIRLS HUT - DAY
Mary Ann picks up a large bouquet of flowers from her bed and walks over to Ginger.
MARY ANN
Flowers from Gilligan? Are you sure?
GINGER
Of course I'm sure. I was here when he put them on the bunk.
MARY ANN
And he said they were for me?
GINGER
Mm-hmmm. Don't be so surprised. After all, you're a girl and he's a -- Well, whatever he is, he's kind of cute.
MARY ANN
Gee, I just --
GINGER
Imagine his having a crush on you, and we're just discovering it now. Golly, it reminds me of a movie I was in once. He loved her with a burning passion and she loved him like a flaming fire. It was a good movie.
MARY ANN
Sounds like a commercial for a gas company.
Gilligan opens the door and steps in.
GILLIGAN
Hi, girls. I just wanted to see if you got the flowers, Mary Ann. Bye.
Gilligan exits and closes the door behind him.
GINGER
See, I told you. Why didn't you say something to him?
MARY ANN
Oh, I didn't know what to say.
GINGER
Just be sweet to him. He's a shy, frightened fawn. Just like in the movies.
(winks)
See you.
Ginger opens the door and exits the hut.
MARY ANN
Flowers. From Gilligan.
EXT. CAMP - DAY
Gilligan stands in the camp clearing. Ginger runs over to him.
GINGER
Gilligan, I just want to say -- don't be fooled by appearances, okay?
GILLIGAN
Okay.
Gilligan turns to leave, but Ginger stops him.
GINGER
What I mean is -- sometimes a person can't show what they feel. Do you know what I mean?
GILLIGAN
looks like he's going to nod.
GILLIGAN
Nope.
But he shakes his head.
GINGER
GINGER
Gilligan, try to understand. Sometimes a certain girl feels the same way a certain fellow feels about her -- but she just can't show it.
(sultry)
Get it?
GILLIGAN'S FACE
drops.
GILLIGAN
Oh --
GINGER
GINGER
I just felt I should say something.
GILLIGAN
GILLIGAN
Well, I'm glad you did, and I'm glad you like me as much as I like you. I'll tell you what. Don't you worry about your belfry. I'll find you that bat-eater.
BACK TO SCENE
Gilligan pats Ginger on the shoulder and exits.
GINGER
Belfry?
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. BOYS HUT - NIGHT
Gilligan stands in front of a mirror and combs his hair. Skipper and Professor stand behind him and watch as he primps.
SKIPPER
Well, our little buddy here is becoming quite a social lion.
PROFESSOR
Yes. How come he rates a special invitation to the Howells?
Gilligan buttons his shirt and turns toward them.
GILLIGAN
Missus Howell wanted to thank me for helping her. She picked flowers all morning and had me give them to Mary Ann.
SKIPPER
Had you give them to Mary Ann?
Gilligan tucks his shirt into his trousers.
GILLIGAN
Uh-huh. She wanted to thank Mary Ann for helping with the sewing.
SKIPPER
Was there a note?
GILLIGAN
I don't think so. Why?
SKIPPER
Well, it's just the idea if you left the flowers for Mary Ann without a note -- she might think that you gave them to her.
GILLIGAN
Why would she think that? She never helped me with any sewing.
PROFESSOR
Gilligan, your innocence is exceeded only by your naiveté.
Skipper and Professor smile.
SKIPPER
Well, I must say, little buddy, you've left yourself wide open for a dilly of a misunderstanding.
PROFESSOR
Yes, many good men have been brought to their knees by a lot less than a bunch of flowers. Right, Skipper?
SKIPPER
Oh, right, Professor. And say, did you notice this morning the way Mary Ann kept passing him toast?
PROFESSOR
And yesterday it was the coconut milk. Indicative. Highly indicative.
SKIPPER
I want to tell you there's no telling what's flying around in that pretty little head.
Gilligan puts on his hat.
GILLIGAN
Well, you guys are trying to put me on. It's not gonna work. Mary Ann doesn't have a crush on me. Ginger does.
Their faces drop. Gilligan walks between Skipper and Professor and exits. Skipper and Professor look at each other and then look after Gilligan.
FLIP TO:
INT. HOWELLS HUT - NIGHT
Mr. Howell and Mrs. Howell are dressed in their finest clothes. Gilligan holds his hat in hand. Mrs. Howell shows Gilligan to a dining table. Two small lit candles illuminate the table. Several other candles light the room.
MRS HOWELL
Oh, Gilligan, come and take this chair. It's the most comfortable.
Gilligan sits down in the chair.
GILLIGAN
Thank you for inviting me over tonight.
MR HOWELL
Well, it's the least we can do after you helped me this morning.
GILLIGAN
But I broke your priceless, one-of-a kind, gold camera.
Reminded of the incident, Mr. Howell feigns wringing Gilligan's neck. A KNOCK at the door.
MR HOWELL
Yes, you did, didn't you?
Mrs. Howell walks over to the door.
MRS HOWELL
Oh -- There's someone at the door. Come in.
The door opens and Mary Ann enters. She's dressed in her most elegant dress and carries a clutch purse.
MRS HOWELL (cont'd)
Mary Ann, what a surprise!
MARY ANN
It is? You did ask me over.
Mrs. Howell and Mary Ann walk over to the dining table.
MRS HOWELL
Yes, of course, yes. Gilligan dropped in, too. Isn't that nice?
Gilligan holds his hat in his hands. Gilligan politely stands to greet Mary Ann.
MARY ANN
Hi, Gilligan.
GILLIGAN
Hi, Mary Ann.
MRS HOWELL
Ah, now, isn't this cozy? Sit right down here.
Gilligan and Mary Ann sit down at the table.
MR HOWELL AND MRS HOWELL
MRS HOWELL (cont'd)
Thurston, haven't we got some champagne cooling in the stream?
MR HOWELL
One of our last bottles.
MRS HOWELL
Oh, marvelous! We must get it at once.
Mrs. Howell blows out the candle near Mary Ann.
MRS HOWELL (cont'd)
Now, you two children sit there and chat and we'll be right back.
Mr. Howell and Mrs. Howell walk to the door. Mrs. Howell pauses to blow out a candle by the door. The room darkens. Mr. Howell and Mrs. Howell exit.
GILLIGAN AND MARY ANN
sit uncomfortably in the silence. After a moment, Gilligan breaks the silence.
GILLIGAN
Is something bothering you, Mary Ann?
MARY ANN
Oh, no. No, Gilligan -- I -- Well, I did want to thank you for the flowers.
GILLIGAN
Oh, I didn't give you those flowers. Missus Howell did.
MARY ANN
looks disappointed.
MARY ANN
Missus Howell? Ginger said you left them.
GILLIGAN
GILLIGAN
I did. For Missus Howell.
MARY ANN
understands.
MARY ANN
Oh.
(pause)
I guess I just -- I thought maybe --
GILLIGAN
realizes he has a dilly of a misunderstanding.
GILLIGAN
Oh. Then you mean that you --
MARY ANN
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
And Ginger was --
GILLIGAN
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
The guys were right.
GILLIGAN AND MARY ANN
MARY ANN
I guess there's been a little misunderstanding, huh?
GILLIGAN
Yeah, I guess, uh -- Tell you what, Mary Ann -- Tell you what --
Suddenly very warm, Gilligan unbuttons his shirt collar.
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
If I was gonna spend all morning picking flowers for someone -- I'd certainly pick those flowers for someone as sweet and nice as you are.
MARY ANN
Oh, that's an awfully sweet thing to say, Gilligan.
GILLIGAN
Oh, it was a sweet thing of you to think that of --
MARY ANN
Not half as sweet as you.
Mary Ann puts her hand on Gilligan's forearm. Gilligan looks down at her hand and becomes more awkward.
GILLIGAN
Well -- I'm not -- You're twice as sweet as me.
INT./EXT. HOWELLS HUT - NIGHT
Mr. Howell and Mrs. Howell peer in through their window as they have eavesdropped on Gilligan and Mary Ann's conversation. Mr. Howell holds a bottle of champagne.
MR HOWELL
(sotto)
Heavens to karas, what a conversation.
MRS HOWELL
(sotto)
Things are going swimmingly.
MR HOWELL
(sotto)
They're sweet on each other, I'll say that much.
MRS HOWELL
(sotto)
Thurston, let's show them what real happiness is.
Mrs. Howell moves away from the window and Mr. Howell follows her.
INT. HOWELLS HUT - NIGHT
Gilligan and Mary Ann sit at the dining table. Mrs. Howell and Mr. Howell re-enter. Mr. Howell carries the bottle of champagne.
MRS HOWELL
Well, here we are. Will you do the honors, sweetheart?
MR HOWELL
Yes, delighted, my pet. Gilligan, could we have a little light on the subject, please?
Mr. Howell sets the champagne bottle on the table. Gilligan lights the unlit candle near Mary Ann by lighting it with the lit candle near him. Mr. Howell removes the cork from the champagne bottle.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
There we are.
Mrs. Howell brings a tray of coconut drinking glasses to the table and sets it down. Mr. Howell pours champagne into the glasses.
MRS HOWELL
I'm going to tell you children a secret. This is sort of a celebration. Twenty years ago tonight, Mister Howell proposed to me and I accepted.
MARY ANN
Oh, how beautifully romantic.
MRS HOWELL
MRS HOWELL
Thurston always had a knack for romance. He took me to the most enchanting little restaurant -- the Tour d'Argent. Do you remember, sweetheart?
MR HOWELL
MR HOWELL
Well, how could I forget a prime bit of income property on West ...
GILLIGAN AND MARY ANN
listen.
MR HOWELL (O.S.)
... 47th Street?
MRS HOWELL
MRS HOWELL
It was on 52nd Street, dear.
MR HOWELL
MR HOWELL
No, no, no dear. West 47th Street. And we had pâté de foie gras.
GILLIGAN AND MARY ANN
listen to their volley.
MRS HOWELL (O.S.)
Uh, Thurston, dear, ...
MRS HOWELL
MRS HOWELL
We were having pheasant under glass.
MR HOWELL
listens patiently.
BACK TO SCENE
MRS HOWELL (cont'd)
His memory isn't quite what it was.
MR HOWELL
Yes, well, Of course, what difference does it make? Anyhow, here's to twenty years of wedded bliss.
Gilligan and Mary Ann stand and all four of them drink from their coconut cups to Mr. Howell's toast.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Bad year.
MRS HOWELL
Here's to the most devoted, considerate husband in the world.
They all drink to Mrs. Howell's toast. Mr. Howell nods.
MR HOWELL
Hear, hear. I'll drink to that.
MR HOWELL
drinks from his cup.
MRS HOWELL
lowers her cup.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Here's to Lovey, ...
BACK TO SCENE
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
... who looks as lovely tonight as she did twenty years ago. And may I say, twenty years ago, what a vision of loveliness she was sitting there in a flaming red dress.
MRS HOWELL
MRS HOWELL
Flaming red dress? I never had a red dress in my life!
MR HOWELL
MR HOWELL
You must have rented it, because that's what you had on that night.
GILLIGAN AND MARY ANN
turn from Mr. Howell to Mrs. Howell.
MRS HOWELL
MRS HOWELL
Thurston, you must be remembering somebody else, my darling.
GILLIGAN AND MARY ANN
turn from Mrs. Howell to Mr. Howell.
MR HOWELL
MR HOWELL
No, no, no. I can see her in that red dress, sitting there, clicking her nails.
MRS HOWELL
MRS HOWELL
Clicking my nails?
GILLIGAN AND MARY ANN
turn from Mrs. Howell to Mr. Howell.
MR HOWELL
MR HOWELL
Yes, it's a nervous habit she has of clicking her nails.
GILLIGAN AND MARY ANN
MARY ANN
Uh, shall we make another toast?
GILLIGAN
Yeah, here is to twenty years of harmony and bliss.
Gilligan and Mary Ann raise their classes to toast.
BACK TO SCENE
MRS HOWELL
If I click my nails, it's only to drown out the noise of his sniffing.
MR HOWELL
I beg your pardon?
MRS HOWELL
MRS HOWELL
I said "sniffing." Twenty years of it!
GILLIGAN AND MARY ANN
turn from Mrs. Howell to Mr. Howell.
MR HOWELL
MR HOWELL
Well, I hadn't --- that it bothered you before.
MRS HOWELL
MRS HOWELL
It doesn't. Not nearly so much as his throat clearing.
MR HOWELL
MR HOWELL
Well, you never spoke of that before.
Mr. Howell clears his throat.
GILLIGAN AND MARY ANN
turn toward Mr. Howell.
MR HOWELL
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Just as I never spoke of your snoring.
MRS HOWELL
MRS HOWELL
My snoring? How dare you say such a thing?
MR HOWELL
MR HOWELL
It took nerve!
GILLIGAN AND MARY ANN
GILLIGAN
Mister Howell, Mrs. Howell --
MRS HOWELL
MRS HOWELL
What vulgarity! But what can I expect of a man -- who can't distinguish between his oyster fork and his shrimp fork?
MR HOWELL
MR HOWELL
That did it. That's gone far enough!
BACK TO SCENE
MRS HOWELL
Don't worry. I won't go farther, because I shall never speak to you again.
Mrs. Howell puts her coconut glass down on the table, turns away from Mr. Howell, and folds her arms.
MR HOWELL
Well, as long as we have witnesses, do you mind putting that in writing?
Mr. Howell folds his arms.
MARY ANN
Do something.
GILLIGAN
Um, yeah, um.
(raises his glass)
Here's to a perfect marriage.
Mary Ann joins him in his toast. They tip their glasses high and drink from them. Mrs. Howell stares off into the distance. Mr. Howell glares at Mrs. Howell.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
EXT. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY
INT. BOYS HUT - DAY
Mr. Howell uses his foot to open the boys hut door. Wearing a bath robe, he enters the hut carrying two suitcases, a bag with golf clubs, and another suitcase tucked under his other arm. Gilligan lies down in his hammock. As Mr. Howell walks over to Gilligan's hammock, Skipper rises from his chair. Professor watches.
MR HOWELL
I have, as a popular saying goes, had it. I want you gentlemen to clear a space for me, and I'll list my simple requirements.
Mr. Howell places the golf bag and suitcases on top of Gilligan. Professor tries to keep the luggage from falling to the ground.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
First of all, tee at seven. Gilligan, you caddy. Skipper, I want you to rinse out--
(to Professor)
Watch that luggage! It's matched!
INT. GIRLS HUT - DAY
Mary Ann lies down on her bed. Ginger sits in a nearby chair and applies lotion to her arms. Mrs. Howell bursts through the girls hut door. Mrs. Howell carries two purses, a scarf, a pith helmet with veil, a string of pearls, and several other items.
MRS HOWELL
That beast of a man can go where he chooses. I'm not staying alone. Be a darling and help me. I left my hairdryer outside.
Mrs. Howell turns and walks to Mary Ann's bed to put the items down.
FLIP TO:
EXT. CAMP - DAY
The castaways sit at the dining table. Mr. Howell sits at one end and Mrs. Howell sits at the other end.
SKIPPER
Here we are, one big happy family, having our happy midday meal.
PROFESSOR
Yes, it certainly is a beautiful day, isn't it?
GINGER
It's a lovely day. Don't you think so, Missus Howell?
MRS HOWELL
MRS HOWELL
Might I have the coconut milk, please?
MR HOWELL
coughs and clears his throat.
MRS HOWELL
MRS HOWELL (cont'd)
I don't think I could be heard over the noise at the far end of the table.
MR HOWELL
ignores her.
PROFESSOR AND GINGER
MRS HOWELL (O.S.)
Ginger, will you please pass the coconut milk?
BACK TO SCENE
GINGER
Sure.
Ginger passes a coconut milk-filled gourd to Professor, who passes it to Mary Ann.
MR HOWELL
Gilligan, ...
MRS HOWELL
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
... would you ask the lady who sits there, ...
MRS HOWELL'S HAND
clicking her nails.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
... clicking like a parking meter, ...
MR HOWELL
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
... if she's through with the salt.
MRS HOWELL
appears embarrassed by Mr. Howell calling her out publicly for her nervous habit.
GILLIGAN AND SKIPPER
GILLIGAN
Your devoted husband for twenty years wants you to pass the salt, Missus Howell.
MRS HOWELL
MRS HOWELL
If you're referring to that gentleman with the nasal disturbance, ...
MR HOWELL
fumes at her.
BACK TO SCENE
Mrs. Howell pinches salt from the cup to season her food with very deliberate, staccato motions.
MRS HOWELL (cont'd)
... tell him I have not finished.
SKIPPER
Why don't you two stop this foolishness?
PROFESSOR AND GINGER
PROFESSOR
Yes, your disagreement really has no basis, you know.
GINGER
What's a few insults when you've been married twenty years?
PROFESSOR
Besides, whether they even were insults is highly debatable.
GINGER
Are you kidding? He said that she snored.
PROFESSOR
You could hardly call that an insult, could you?
GINGER
Well, I would.
PROFESSOR
Don't you think that's a bit immature?
GINGER
No, I think it's an insult.
PROFESSOR
(smugly)
Perhaps that proves my point.
GINGER
Well, aren't we the smart one?
PROFESSOR
You needn't take that tone of voice.
MARY ANN
MARY ANN
Frankly, I don't blame her a bit.
PROFESSOR AND GINGER
PROFESSOR
Excuse me. I'm going to finish my meal elsewhere.
BACK TO SCENE
Professor rises from the table, takes his plate with him, and exits.
GILLIGAN
All this fuss because Mister Howell can't remember anything.
MR HOWELL
MR HOWELL
I can remember everything!
GILLIGAN AND SKIPPER
GINGER (O.S.)
Be quiet, ...
GINGER
GINGER
... Gilligan. You're just making things worse.
MARY ANN
MARY ANN
Well, don't blame him. After all, it was you who started it.
GINGER
GINGER
Says who?
MARY ANN
MARY ANN
Says me!
GINGER
GINGER
Well, say it to yourself.
BACK TO SCENE
Ginger puts down her cup, stands, turns, and exits. Mary Ann stands and exits the opposite direction.
MARY ANN
I certainly will.
GILLIGAN AND SKIPPER
SKIPPER
Gilligan, come with me.
Skipper stands. Gilligan eats from his plate.
GILLIGAN
I haven't finished.
SKIPPER
Gilligan, come with me!
Gilligan stands.
GILLIGAN
I'm finished.
Skipper and Gilligan exit. Only Mrs. Howell and Mr. Howell remain at the table.
EXT. JUNGLE PATH - DAY
Skipper and Gilligan walk down the jungle path and find a suitably distant location to discuss the castaways' situation.
SKIPPER
Now, Gilligan, we've got a red-light emergency and we've to nip it right in the bud right now.
GILLIGAN
Or pretty soon nobody'll be talking to anybody.
SKIPPER
Exactly. Now, how did it all start? Do you remember?
GILLIGAN
Let's see. The Professor said to Ginger,
(mimicks Professor)
"I don't like the tone of your voice --"
SKIPPER
No, no, no. I mean with the Howells. How did it start with the Howells?
GILLIGAN
Missus Howell asked Mister Howell for the coconut milk --
SKIPPER
Gilligan, I know this is gonna be hard for you to do, but do you think you can you remember clear back to last night? Can you do that for me?
GILLIGAN
I'll try to do my best.
SKIPPER
The morale of the group depends on you.
GILLIGAN
Aye, aye, sir.
SKIPPER
Now, what were the Howells doing when they started their fight?
GILLIGAN
They were trying to show Mary Ann and me how happy they were.
SKIPPER
No, no, no.
GILLIGAN
Yes, yes, yes! Because they were celebrating the anniversary of Mister Howell's proposal to Missus Howell. It was in the Tour d'Argent on 47th Street. I remember it all!
Ginger appears out of the jungle.
GINGER
That's right. She was trying to make everything so romantic, the poor dear.
SKIPPER
Well, that's our answer.
GILLIGAN AND SKIPPER
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Ginger, have you ever been to this place, the Tour d'Argent?
GINGER
GINGER
Sure I've been to the Tour d'Argent. It's very romantic.
GILLIGAN AND SKIPPER
SKIPPER
Well, then we will recreate the place as best we can.
BACK TO SCENE
SKIPPER (cont'd)
And we'll get the Howells there on some sort of pretext. We'll set them up with a lot of fond memories and that should get them together, don't you think?
GINGER
That's a wonderful idea! I'll be the entertainer.
SKIPPER
And I'll be the chef.
GILLIGAN
Can I be the busboy and wear one of those little white jackets?
SKIPPER
Gilligan, better than that, you can be the waiter. Now let's proceed with Operation Reconciliation. Come on.
The three turn and head for camp.
FLIP TO:
INT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY
Mary Ann, Ginger, and Professor work to transform the Howells hut into the Tour d'Argent. Mary Ann sweeps the floor. Ginger practices her dance. Professor hangs decorations.
SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN
Skipper, wearing a chef apron, bursts in through the door. Gilligan tends to the pot of soup and the soup bowls.
SKIPPER
Well, this is more like it. One big happy family again.
Skipper walks over to the table set up for the Howells' dinner.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Shall we have a little run-through? Ginger, would you be Missus Howell?
Skipper pulls out the chair for her.
GINGER
Yes, Skipper.
Ginger sits.
SKIPPER
I'll be Mister Howell.
Skipper sits, removes the napkin from the table and unfurls it onto his lap. Ginger unfolds her napkin.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Are you ready, Gilligan?
GILLIGAN
GILLIGAN
After you, Pierre.
SKIPPER AND GINGER
SKIPPER
What?
GILLIGAN
GILLIGAN
I heard that in a movie once.
Gilligan picks up a tray with two bowls of soup. He raises it high over his head and walks over to Skipper and Ginger.
BACK TO SCENE
GILLIGAN (cont'd)
Watch this, Skipper. Soup, madame?
GINGER
Very good, thank you.
Gilligan lowers the tray slightly and removes Ginger's bowl of soup. He places it in front of Ginger.
GILLIGAN
Okay. Here we go. There.
GINGER
That's very good. But there's just one thing. Relax and bow lower.
GILLIGAN
Soup,
(in French)
monsieur?
Gilligan bows lower and spills the soup on Skipper's head.
FLIP TO:
EXT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY
Professor emerges from the Howells hut and walks to his right.
PROFESSOR
See you tonight, girls.
Ginger and Mary Ann emerge and go in the other direction.
GINGER
Okay. See you.
Mary Ann waves at Professor. Skipper emerges from the hut, followed by Gilligan directly behind him.
SKIPPER
Gilligan. Gilligan? Gilligan.
Skipper pulls Gilligan in front of him.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Remember, tonight we're trying to bring back romantic memories for the Howells, right?
GILLIGAN
Right, Skipper.
SKIPPER
And in order for our plan to work we must make a perfect duplicate of that perfect evening twenty years ago, right?
GILLIGAN
Right, Skipper, right.
SKIPPER
Now, please don't spill the soup on the Howells tonight.
GILLIGAN
You can depend on me, Skipper.
Skipper pats Gilligan on the shoulder.
SKIPPER
Thanks, little buddy. Come on.
Skipper takes Gilligan by the arm and they exit to their hut.
FLIP TO:
INT. HOWELLS HUT - NIGHT
Professor, dressed as a maître d', holds a Tour d'Argent menu and greets Mr. Howell at the door.
PROFESSOR
If you will just come this way,
(in French)
monsieur.
Professor guides Mr. Howell to his table.
MR HOWELL
You might let me in on these play-acting shenanigans as long as you're using my abode.
Professor pulls out Mr. Howell's chair.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Thank you.
Professor hands the menu to Mr. Howell.
PROFESSOR
Your menu,
(in French)
monsieur.
MR HOWELL
Menu -- uh-huh.
Mr. Howell opens the menu.
MRS HOWELL
appears at the door. Mary Ann, dressed as a cigarette girl, briefly appears behind her.
MRS HOWELL
Oh! What on Earth's going on here?
MR HOWELL AND PROFESSOR
MR HOWELL
A-ha! Just as I suspected. Collusion!
Mr. Howell closes his menu.
MARY ANN AND MRS HOWELL
at the door.
MARY ANN
A little surprise, Missus Howell. Come here.
Mary Ann guides Mrs. Howell to their table.
BACK TO SCENE
Professor holds Mrs. Howell's chair for her. Mr. Howell stands politely for Mrs. Howell. Mrs. Howell sits.
MARY ANN (cont'd)
We have prepared a very special dinner for you.
Mary Ann places a menu in front of Mrs. Howell.
MRS HOWELL
Well, in that case, you might have selected a more congenial partner for me.
Mary Ann and Professor leave the table and exit.
INT. HOWELLS HUT KITCHEN - NIGHT
Skipper crouches in front of a tiny window in the kitchen. He's raised the window shade and peers at the Howells.
SKIPPER
At least she's sitting with him.
Gilligan reaches for a piece of bread. Skipper slaps Gilligan's wrist.
GILLIGAN
Ow.
INT. HOWELLS HUT - NIGHT
Mr. Howell and Mrs. Howell sit at their table. Mrs. Howell reads the menu with her lorgnette. Professor stands in front of a bamboo substitute for a microphone stand.
PROFESSOR
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Tour d'Argent.
MR HOWELL AND MRS HOWELL
MRS HOWELL
Tour d'Argent?
Mrs. Howell closes her menu.
MR HOWELL
A-ha! Just as I thought. Collusion!
PROFESSOR
introduces the entertainment.
PROFESSOR
And now, ladies and gentlemen from the Tour d'Argent, in the heart of glamorous West 47th Street ...
MR HOWELL AND MRS HOWELL
MRS HOWELL
West 52nd Street.
BACK TO SCENE
PROFESSOR
... we are happy to present the one and only, the incomparable --
(in French)
Mademoiselle Ginger!
MARY ANN
puts the needle on a record player in the corner to play music. Dinner club MUSIC plays.
BACK TO SCENE
Ginger enters through a bead curtain.
MR HOWELL AND MRS HOWELL
watch Ginger as she takes center stage.
GINGER
GINGER
(in French)
"Alouette, gentille alouette,
MR HOWELL AND MRS HOWELL
GINGER (O.S.)
Alouette, ...
GINGER
GINGER
... je te plumerai.
Je te plumerai la tête."
MR HOWELL AND MRS HOWELL
MR HOWELL
Lovely voice, hmmm?
MRS HOWELL
Yes.
GINGER (O.S.)
(in French)
"Je te plumerai la tête."
Mrs. Howell moves her hand over closer to Mr. Howell.
MRS HOWELL
Hold my hand, Thurston, darling.
Mr. Howell, though startled by her request, grumbles a bit, yet complies and takes her hand.
GINGER (O.S.)
(in French)
"Je te plumerai le bouche."
GINGER
GINGER
(in French)
"Je te plumerai le bouche."
Ginger winks at Professor.
GINGER (cont'd)
(in French)
"Et le bouche."
PROFESSOR
gives the A-Ok sign to Mary Ann.
GINGER (O.S.)
(in French)
"Mmmm le bouche."
MARY ANN
signals back to Professor.
GINGER
GINGER
(in French)
"Et la tête!
Ooh, la tête!
Ooh.
MR HOWELL AND MRS HOWELL
watch Ginger.
GINGER
Alouette, gentille alouette,
Alouette, je te plumerai."
BACK TO SCENE
The Howells applaud.
PROFESSOR
claps.
MARY ANN
picks up a tray of corsages from a nearby table.
BACK TO SCENE
Mary Ann brings them over to the Howells.
MARY ANN
(French accent)
Flowers? Would you like a corsage for madame,
(in French)
monsieur?
Mr. Howell reaches into his pocket and removes several bills.
MR HOWELL
Yes, I would very much. Here you are, my dear and keep the change.
Mr. Howell hands some of the bills to Mary Ann and puts the rest back into his pocket. Mary Ann places the corsage down in front of Mr. Howell and curtsies as she accepts the money.
MARY ANN
(in French)
Merci.
Mr. Howell moves the corsage next to Mrs. Howell.
MR HOWELL
So, there you are, my darling.
Mrs. Howell picks up the corsage.
MRS HOWELL
Oh, Thurston, for me?
MR HOWELL
Well, the little thing has to make a living.
Mrs. Howell gently and lovingly pats Mr. Howell on the check.
MRS HOWELL
Darling, you were always so generous.
INT. HOWELLS HUT KITCHEN - NIGHT
A lit torch, a coconut on a bamboo pole, provides light for the kitchen. Gilligan peeks at the Howells through a curtained window in the kitchen wall. He turns to Skipper. Skipper holds two skewers with bits of food on them. From a tiny bottle, Skipper pours alcohol onto the skewers.
GILLIGAN
They're smiling. When do I get my turn?
SKIPPER
Right away, Gilligan. A little alcohol on these turtle tidbits, and presto!
Skipper places the skewers into the torch's flame. They visibly flame and burn.
SKIPPER (cont'd)
Flaming
(in French)
hors d'oeuvres.
Skipper hands the flaming skewers to Gilligan.
GILLIGAN
You mean the Howells are gonna eat these?
SKIPPER
Of course.
GILLIGAN
No wonder they made good. Nothing scares them.
SKIPPER
Gilligan, you put the fire out before you serve them.
GILLIGAN
Oh.
SKIPPER
Uh, Gilligan --
GILLIGAN
Don't worry, Skipper. I'll be careful.
SKIPPER
Thank you.
Gilligan takes the flaming skewers to the door and opens it.
INT. HOWELLS HUT - NIGHT
Gilligan emerges from the door and walks over the Howell's table.
GILLIGAN
Here you are. Nice, flaming "hor dervies."
MRS HOWELL
Charming.
Gilligan blows on the flaming skewers, trying to put out the flames, but he can't. They continue to burn.
PROFESSOR
Gilligan, what are you doing?
Gilligan hands one skewer to each of the Howells.
PROFESSOR (cont'd)
Oh, Gilligan. Allow me, madame.
Professor takes Mrs. Howell's skewer and uses a fork to damp the flames and remove the turtle tidbits from the skewer and guide them onto Mrs. Howell's plate. Gilligan watches Professor. Professor hands the empty skewer back to Gilligan.
GILLIGAN
GILLIGAN
Show-off.
BACK TO SCENE
Gilligan turns and walks back toward the kitchen. Professor takes Mr. Howell's skewer and extinguishes its flames.
FLIP TO:
INT. HOWELLS HUT KITCHEN - NIGHT
Skipper ladles soup into bowls on Gilligan's serving tray.
SKIPPER
Now comes your moment of truth, little buddy.
Gilligan lifts the tray of soup bowls above him. Skipper watches Gilligan slowly lift the tray.
GILLIGAN
Be of good cheer, Skipper. I will not spill the soup on the Howells.
Skipper smiles as Gilligan walks the tray of soup bowls toward the door.
INT. HOWELLS HUT - NIGHT
Professor re-introduces Ginger.
PROFESSOR
And now, ladies and gentlemen, for her second number, Ginger will present a dance she created in her most memorable film: The Hula Girl and the Fullback.
MARY ANN
drops the needle on the phonograph.
BACK TO SCENE
Ginger emerges from the beaded doorway and begins a hula dance. Gilligan emerges from the kitchen door with the tray of soup bowls. Gilligan tries to get by Ginger, but her dance moves her into his path. Gilligan tries to go the other way, only to knock over a plant. Professor rights the plant. Gilligan watches Ginger and tries to anticipate her next direction. Gilligan looks back at Professor. Professor urges him to get the soup over the Howells. Ginger dances closer to Gilligan. He steps back into Professor. Ginger turns and dances away. Gilligan motions to the Howells that their soup is on its way. Gilligan tries to sneak behind Ginger.
MR. HOWELL AND MRS. HOWELL
watch from their table.
BACK TO SCENE
Ginger flails her arms and as Gilligan tries to keep out of her way, he recoils backward. Skipper emerges from the kitchen door in time for Gilligan to run into him, spilling both soup bowls and the tray over Skipper.
SKIPPER
Why me, Professor? Always me!
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO
TAG
FADE IN:
EXT. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY
EXT. CAMP - DAY
Mr. Howell and Mrs. Howell stand next to their hut.
MRS HOWELL
Oh, I wish some other couple could know the joys of wedded bliss.
Mary Ann and Gilligan stroll by. Mr. Howell turns and looks at them.
MR HOWELL
Oh, no, no, no, not again.
MARY ANN
Hi, Mister and Missus Howell.
GILLIGAN
Hi!
MRS HOWELL
Lovely day, isn't it?
MR HOWELL
Ah, thank heavens!
MRS HOWELL
Oh, I wasn't talking about them.
PROFESSOR AND GINGER
walk at the edge of the camp clearing. Professor sits down on a boulder.
BACK TO SCENE
Mr. Howell looks on in horror.
MR HOWELL
Oh, good grief.
MRS HOWELL
What a marvelous combination. And it's the right season, too.
Mrs. Howell tries to catch Professor's and Ginger's attention.
MRS HOWELL (cont'd)
Oh, Ginger, Professor.
PROFESSOR AND GINGER
as Mrs. Howell walks toward them.
MR HOWELL
Lovey! Lovey, we can't.
MR. HOWELL
turns and sits down on a chair outside the hut.
MR HOWELL (cont'd)
Don't do this again -- and again!
(stretches out his arms)
Lovey, baby!
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY
FADE OUT.
THE END