TEASER

FADE IN:

EXT. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY

EXT. CAMP - MORNING

Gilligan, Skipper, and Professor sit at the dining table eating breakfast. Bowls of fruit, guava jelly, and other foodstuffs await eating. But Mary Ann lectures the men.

MARY ANN

And, gentlemen, we've listened to your excuses long enough and we we're not going to put up with it any longer.

SKIPPER

May I have the guava jelly?

GINGER

We've simply got to have some privacy!

SKIPPER

Where is the guava jelly?

MARY ANN

You haven't heard a word we've said!

SKIPPER

Sure I did. You want more privacy. Now may I have the guava jelly?

GINGER

No, you can't.

MARY ANN

Oh, and we're not gonna serve you anything else, either.

Mary Ann removes a bowl of fruit from the table.

GINGER

If you don't cooperate with us, we won't cooperate with you.

Ginger picks up a bowl and fills it with fruit from the table.

GILLIGAN

Here's the guava jelly, Skipper.

Gilligan reaches for the guava jelly and passes it to Skipper. Ginger grabs the dish of guava jelly. Ginger and Gilligan struggle over the dish.

GINGER

Oh, no, you don't.

GILLIGAN

Oh, yes, I do.

GINGER

Oh, no, you don't.

GILLIGAN

Oh, yes, I do.

They spill it on Skipper.

GINGER

Oh!

SKIPPER

(to Ginger)

Oh, yes, you did.

(to Gilligan)

Thanks a lot, Gilligan.

MARY ANN

(smugly)

By the way, we're not gonna do any more washing, either.

GINGER

And besides, you said you'd build us a hut last week.

PROFESSOR

Well, we've had other things to do that are more important. We'll get to it as soon as we can.

MARY ANN

Oh, well, uh, there won't be any lunch today. We have other things to do that are more important.

Mary Ann carries an armful of food and exits.

GINGER

We'll get to it as soon as we can.

Ginger carries her armload of food away too. Ginger exits. Mr. and Mrs. Howell arrive for breakfast.

MR HOWELL

I'm sorry we're late for breakfast.

MRS HOWELL

Yes, you see, we're used to having breakfast in bed, served by our butler.

MR HOWELL

That's after his butler serves him breakfast in bed. That's the only way to live. Here you are, Lovey, my pet.

MRS HOWELL

Oh, dear. Isn't there anything left?

SKIPPER

I'm sorry, Missus Howell, but Mary Ann and Ginger are on strike.

The Howells sit down at the table.

MR HOWELL

On strike? By George, you get two workers together, they'll organize every time.

Mrs. Howell nods. Mary Ann and Ginger return to make their case.

MARY ANN

You men keep promising to build us a hut and won't keep your promises.

GINGER

We think that women should have the same rights as men.

Mr. Howell laughs.

MR HOWELL

Did you hear that, Lovey? "Women should have the same rights as men."

Mr. Howell laughs again, but stops abruptly.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

You're not laughing, Lovey, with me.

MRS HOWELL

Thurston, you've been promising me to build a hut of our own for weeks now.

MR HOWELL

Well, I'll get to it by and by.

MRS HOWELL

But I'm not asking for anything elaborate, just a little split-level hut, or a palm tree penthouse.

PROFESSOR

Well, I'm afraid you women are going to have to face the facts. Historically, it's the man who decides what should be done.

Professor gets up from the table and exits.

SKIPPER/MR HOWELL/GILLIGAN

Hear, hear!

MRS HOWELL

Haven't you ever heard of Lysistrata?

GILLIGAN

Yeah. Isn't that a mouthwash?

MRS HOWELL

Lysistrata was a woman who lived thousands of years ago and she persuaded all the women in her town to ignore the men completely, unless they got what they wanted.

GINGER

Well, I think we should all act like Lythi -- Lysi --

MRS HOWELL

Lysistrata, dear.

GINGER

Lysistrata. That's greek to me.

MR HOWELL

Confucius say, "Women who stand on rights sometimes get left."

Mr. Howell laughs. Gilligan and Gilligan laugh, mimicking Mr. Howell's laugh.

MRS HOWELL

(mockingly)

Ha ha.

(to girls)

Come on, girls. We'll build our own hut.

Mrs. Howell stands up.

FADE OUT.

END OF TEASER

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

EXT. COMMUNITY HUT - DAY

Ginger and Mary Ann pack suitcases and try to close them. Gilligan enters through the hanging blankets.

GILLIGAN

I sure wish you girls weren't doing this.

MARY ANN

Did you hear a voice?

GINGER

No. I didn't hear a soul.

Ginger crosses her arms over her chest. Gilligan tries to help with Mary Ann's suitcase, but she pushes Gilligan away.

MARY ANN

Leave, man. I'd rather do it myself.

GILLIGAN

Mary Ann, it's very heavy. You might strain yourself.

MARY ANN

(to Ginger)

These men are going to have to learn we can take care of ourselves.

(crosses arms)

I took care of myself and a whole farm in Kansas, and that's tough.

GINGER

And I took care of myself in Hollywood, and that is tougher.

Mary Ann nods. Gilligan tries to help Mary Ann with her suitcase. They struggle and the suitcase falls to the ground on top of Gilligan's foot. Gilligan grasps his foot. Mary Ann takes the suitcase and walks to the door.

GILLIGAN

Wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Gilligan follows Mary Ann, but nudges Ginger. Ginger accidentally drops her suitcase on Gilligan's other foot.

MARY ANN

Missus Howell, are you coming?

MRS HOWELL

In a minute, girls.

Mrs. Howell furiously packs her suitcase. Mrs. Howell packed Mr. Howell's teddy bear.

MR HOWELL

Lovey, we've been married for nineteen wonderful years and during all that time I've taken care of you, ...

Mr. Howell removes his teddy bear from her suitcase.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

... I've watched over you, I've babied you.

Mr. Howell hides the teddy bear behind his back.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

Look, look, please. You'll be lost without me. Lost, I tell you.

Mrs. Howell continues to pack clothes in the suitcase.

MRS HOWELL

Ready, girls!

MR HOWELL

Lovey, darling, just tell me one thing, one last thing.

Mrs. Howell closes her suitcase.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

What color pill do I take at noon? Please, Lovey.

Mrs. Howell hands Mr. Howell a bottle of pills.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

The redsies?

Mrs. Howell picks up her suitcases and exits the hut.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

No, you must let me. You can't do this.

EXT. CAMP - DAY

Mrs. Howell exits the community hut. Mr. Howell follows her. The other castaways wait for her.

MR HOWELL

Lovey, you're doing a mad, impulsive thing. I mean, really. You can't carry those heavy bags like that. I --

Ginger and Mary Ann assist Mrs. Howell with the suitcases and put them down next to the others.

MRS HOWELL

Thank you, girls.

PROFESSOR

Now, ladies, please I wish you'd reconsider this whole thing. For your own safety.

SKIPPER

Yes, there might be wild animals on the island.

GILLIGAN

Or wild natives.

MR HOWELL

Or wildlife.

MARY ANN

Oh, they're just trying to scare us.

GINGER

And we aren't going to be scared, are we?

MRS HOWELL

I haven't heard a thing. As far as I'm concerned, we're all alone on the island, just the three of us.

MARY ANN

Besides, we have everything. We have blankets, clothes, pots.

SKIPPER

What about tools?

MRS HOWELL

Ah, by the way, have we got any tools?

GINGER

Tools?

MARY ANN

Ah, here. I'll take this.

Mary Ann tries to pick up a large bamboo sledge hammer, but it is too heavy, so she drags it.

MRS HOWELL

Good.

Ginger grabs Mary Ann's waist to help her drag the hammer.

SKIPPER

I bet they'll be back before dark.

MR HOWELL

In tears. An hour without me, and she'll break. She's dependent upon me.

GILLIGAN

Really?

MR HOWELL

Yeah. Besides, I have the credit card.

The men laugh. The Mary Ann and Ginger slide the sledge hammer's handle through the handles of their suitcases and use that to lift the two suitcases. Mrs. Howell carries her own. They leave camp as the men whistle "The Saints Go Marching In."

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

(tauntingly)

Ha, Lovey! Ha-ha!

FLIP TO:

EXT. GIRLS HUT - DAY

In a clearing, the women rest on their luggage.

MRS HOWELL

This is a perfect place to build our hut.

GINGER

Can we rest a little longer?

MARY ANN

No! We have to have a roof over our heads by nightfall.

They stand up.

MRS HOWELL

We'll lay the first stake right there. Now, come on, girls. Bring the hammer.

Mary Ann and Ginger grab the handle on the mallet and drag it to the location Mrs. Howell indicates.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL

a stake.

GINGER

Oh, it's so heavy.

MRS HOWELL

I guess I'd better help.

Mrs. Howell grabs the handle too. All three of them left the mallet.

MARY ANN

All right now. Come on.

MRS HOWELL

All right.

The women work together and swing the mallet back.

GINGER

Ready, aim, swing!

They swing and completely miss the stake.

MARY ANN

Drive it in a little further.

GINGER/MARY ANN

Ready, ...

MRS HOWELL

Up.

The women swing the mallet back.

GINGER/MARY ANN

... aim, swing!

MRS HOWELL

Ahh!

They swing and completely miss the stake -- again. Mary Ann and Mrs. Howell let go of the mallet.

GINGER

Can we rest now?

Ginger releases the mallet and it falls over onto the ground.

MARY ANN

Well, no, we've got to have this hut done by nightfall.

MRS HOWELL

Now, I guarantee those men'll come crawling on their knees to get us back. They need us.

FLIP TO:

EXT. CAMP - DAY

Gilligan stirs a pot of fish stew suspended from a tripod built over a small campfire. Skipper enters.

SKIPPER

Hi, little buddy! What's cooking?

GILLIGAN

Fish stew. Try it, Skipper.

Gilligan removes the spoon from the pot to offer Skipper a taste. Skipper smells it.

SKIPPER

Doesn't smell like fish stew. What's in it?

GILLIGAN

Pineapples, coconuts, and wild berries.

SKIPPER

Well, what kind of fish, Gilligan?

GILLIGAN

Fish. Oh, yeah, I knew I forgot something.

Gilligan puts the spoon down in the pot. Mr. Howell enters.

MR HOWELL

Well, what have we here, Gilligan?

GILLIGAN

Fish stew.

MR HOWELL

It looks like a low tide. Let's have a little taste.

Mr. Howell grabs the spoon, takes a spoonful of the fish stew from the pot, and tastes it.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

Oh, Poor Lovey. I don't know how she's gonna manage without me. She must be lying somewhere on the beach all curled up and sobbing.

(tastes the stew again)

It's awful.

SKIPPER

It'll teach her a lesson.

MR HOWELL

No, I mean the stew. Not Lovey, you know. It needs something, boy. It does need something.

GILLIGAN

Fish.

MR HOWELL

Oh, dear. Never mind.

GILLIGAN

Mister Howell, if it's no good, how can I fix it?

MR HOWELL

You really want to know? You really want to know?

GILLIGAN

I really want to know.

MR HOWELL

Start over.

(pokes Gilligan with the spoon)

Ha! Start over.

Mr. Howell puts the spoon back in the fish stew.

FLIP TO:

EXT. COMMUNITY HUT - DAY

Professor and Skipper remove the privacy blankets that hang in the community hut. Gilligan removes a blanket, traps himself in it, falls onto his hammock, falls onto Skipper's hammock, and then onto the ground. Mr. Howell sits in a chair with this feet up on the table. He sips a drink from a bamboo drinking glass.

PROFESSOR

We appreciate your help, Mister Howell.

Professor folds a blanket.

MR HOWELL

Oh, oh, yes. I'm sorry. I do miss the woman's help, you know. This cleaning and sweeping is so exhausting.

SKIPPER

Well, maybe it wouldn't be exhausting if you did a little of the work.

Gilligan gets up and tosses the blankets behind him. The blankets land on Skipper. Skipper removes the blankets and puts them in Gilligan's hammock. Gilligan picks up his hat, which fell off during the tussle with the blankets.

MR HOWELL

Well, I'm working. It's not physical work, but mental work, which is even more difficult.

GILLIGAN

That's right, especially for me.

Gilligan puts his hat back on.

MR HOWELL

Now, I have a plan which might bring the women back. They're afraid of the night and wild animals, right?

GILLIGAN

Who isn't?

PROFESSOR

Mister Howell, there are no wild animals on this island.

MR HOWELL

No wild animals yet.

Mr. Howell sits up and the other men lean in.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

Now I have a plan, see. According to the Howell Plan --

FLIP TO:

EXT. GIRLS HUT - DAY

MALLET

at the end of the stake as the women prepare to swing the mallet at it again.

PULL BACK to the women raising the ballet on their backswing.

MARY ANN

Swing!

They lift the mallet over their heads. Weakened from the day's exertion, they lose control when the mallet is over their heads. They fall backward onto the bamboo and palm fronds that form the start of their hut.

GINGER

We should've taken the smaller hammer.

MRS HOWELL

They knew it all along. That's why they gave us this one.

MARY ANN

Oh, we can't go back and get it now.

GINGER

Why not?

MARY ANN

Well, because. They want us to fail. They won't give it to us.

GINGER

I think they will. I don't know why, but men always up and do anything for me.

MRS HOWELL

I know why, darling. Go and get it.

Mary Ann and Ginger exchange glances. Ginger gets up and exits.

FLIP TO:

EXT. CAMP - DAY

Gilligan and Skipper operate a monster costume from within. Mr. Howell directs their efforts to be the monster.

MR HOWELL

That's perfect! That's coming along fine.

Gilligan appears from the tail of the monster costume.

GILLIGAN

I still think I should be the head.

Skipper reveals himself at the front end of the monster costume.

SKIPPER

Gilligan, you are the tail. I'm the head because I'm the brain.

MR HOWELL

Maybe we need a dragon with two tails.

GINGER

watches the men from behind a tree which doesn't hide her.

GILLIGAN (O.S.)

I can't wait till it gets dark, huh?

MR HOWELL (O.S.)

Yeah, yeah.

SKIPPER (O.S.)

Wait till we get there.

REVERSE ANGLE ON GINGER

SKIPPER

We'll scare the dickens off them.

BACK TO SCENE

SKIPPER (cont'd)

They'll be asking us to save them from the monster.

GINGER

MR HOWELL (O.S.)

Let's get down to a little rehearsal, shall we?

BACK TO SCENE

Gilligan and Skipper disappear inside the monster costume.

MR HOWELL

Now, okay. Now let's go together, gentlemen. Howl!

REVERSE ANGLE ON GINGER

as she exits. Gilligan and Skipper make uncoordinated NOISES and MURMURS in the MONSTER costume.

BACK TO SCENE

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

Cut! Cut! Cut! No, no! Stop! Stop! Stop! You've got to make both ends sound the same. You see what I mean? Now, the front end, let's hear it!

Skipper GROWLS loudly.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

All right. The rear end, let's hear it.

Gilligan GROWLS loudly.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

All right. Now all together!

Skipper and Gilligan GROWL loudly.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

Good heavens! I think we've found an answer to the Beatles.

FLIP TO:

EXT. GIRLS HUT - DAY

The women discuss their plans in front of their partially completed hut. Three walls are constructed.

MRS HOWELL

Well, we certainly know how to handle them, don't we?

MARY ANN

Oh, I think our plan's better than their plan.

GINGER

I can't wait till that old monster comes here. Come on.

The women arrange blankets to act as their fourth wall of the hut.

FLIP TO:

EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT

Gilligan and Skipper, inside the monster costume, walk through the jungle and stop. Skipper reveals himself.

SKIPPER

Gilligan, watch where you're going!

Gilligan reveals himself.

GILLIGAN

I'm sorry, but if you stop that fast again I'll be in front of you.

SKIPPER

I can't put my hand out, so be more alert back there. Let's give them a little roar. Yeah.

They disappear into the costume.

SKIPPER (cont'd)

A little roar. Softly.

GILLIGAN

Yeah.

SKIPPER

On your mark, get set, go!

Gilligan ROARS loudly. Skipper reveals himself.

SKIPPER (cont'd)

Gilligan! Gilligan, I said, softly.

Gilligan reveals himself.

GILLIGAN

Oh. Sorry, Skipper.

They disappear into the costume.

SKIPPER

Okay. On your mark, get set, go.

Skipper and Gilligan GROWL in a low murmur.

EXT. GIRLS HUT - NIGHT

The women sit on their suitcases outside their hut. Based on what Ginger saw, they know the men are coming to scare them with the monster costume and intend to mock the men. Mrs. Howell taps Ginger and hams it up.

MRS HOWELL

Listen to the lovely sounds of a tropical evening.

EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT

The men in their monster costume GROWL and then stop. They reveal themselves from the costume.

GILLIGAN

Skipper, they think we're crickets.

SKIPPER

Let's give them a real show.

GILLIGAN

Yeah.

They disappear into the monster costume. Skipper and Gilligan ROAR. Gilligan scratches at the ground with his feet as a bull ready to charge.

EXT. GIRLS HUT - NIGHT

The women sit on their luggage and listen as the men GROWL in the monster costume.

EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT

Gilligan reveals himself from the monster costume and taps Skipper. Skipper reveals himself.

GILLIGAN

Skipper, let's hurry. I'm suffocating back here.

SKIPPER

All right. Let's get over a little closer.

GILLIGAN

Yeah.

SKIPPER

When they come out and see us, they'll really run home.

They disappear into the monster costume.

EXT. GIRLS HUT - NIGHT

The women sit on their luggage and observe the jungle. Mary Ann stands up.

MARY ANN

Did you see something move out there?

Ginger stands up and feigns fear.

GINGER

Something m--m--move?

Mrs. Howell stands up and reassures the other women.

MRS HOWELL

There's nothing there. Now, don't be scared.

MONSTER

as it exits the jungle.

BACK TO SCENE

Mary Ann points at the monster and feigns fear.

MARY ANN

Oh, Look at that!

Mary Ann enters the girls hut and partially hides behind a blanket that creates the fourth wall of the hut.

GINGER

Oh! It's a monster!

Ginger enters the girls hut and partially hides behind a blanket that creates the fourth wall of the hut.

MRS HOWELL

Oh! We must protect ourselves.

Mrs. Howell follows suit. All three peer out in an opening in the blankets.

MARY ANN

Oh, but how? Look at that wild beast!

MONSTER

as it stomps and moves.

MARY ANN (O.S.)

It's just awful!

BACK TO SCENE

MRS HOWELL

We must fight it off. We must let the men know that we're big and strong

(shouts)

and should have equal rights!

GINGER

But what can we do?

MRS HOWELL

We'll kill it, and send its head back to the men!

The women disappear inside the hut.

GILLIGAN

Skipper?

Gilligan and Skipper reveal themselves from the costume.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

Did you hear that?

SKIPPER

Of course I heard that. I'm the part with the ears.

GILLIGAN

They want to kill us.

SKIPPER

Yeah, well, they've got to catch us first.

Gilligan and Skipper disappear into the costume. The women emerge from their hut carrying bamboo poles. The women run out to the monster and beat it with their poles. The monster falls to the ground. The women continue to beat it. Skipper reveals himself.

GINGER

Skipper!

Gilligan reveals himself.

MARY ANN

Gilligan!

MRS HOWELL

You tried to frighten us to get us back, didn't you?

SKIPPER

No, that's not it at all, ladies. There's a better explanation than that.

GILLIGAN

That's right.

SKIPPER

Well, tell them, Gilligan. Don't just sit there. Tell them!

GILLIGAN

Huh? Oh, yeah. We were going to a masquerade party and we were going right by the hut --

The women don't believe the story. Gilligan tries a different story.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

No, no. We were gonna celebrate the Chinese New Year with this great dragon, because next week is the --

The women don't believe that story either.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

Well, to tell you the truth, I'm open for suggestions.

The women point their poles at the men and slowly walk forward. The men scoot along the ground in retreat.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

EXT. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. LAGOON BEACH - DAY

Skipper hangs clothes on a clothesline. Gilligan squats at the waters edge and beats clothing in the water with a rock.

GILLIGAN

You know, without the women, washing clothes is kind of fun.

Gilligan stands and hands a garment to Skipper.

SKIPPER

That's right, Gilligan.

GILLIGAN

And cleaning up the hut, that's kind of enjoyable.

SKIPPER

Right again, little buddy.

Skipper places the garment on the line.

GILLIGAN

And preparing meals, that's kind of pleasant.

SKIPPER

Exactly.

GILLIGAN

That was a fun game. What do we play next?

SKIPPER

The game called "Back to Scrubbing the Clothes."

Professor enters. He holds a needle and thread.

PROFESSOR

Can one of you help me thread this needle?

GILLIGAN

Oh, sure Professor.

Professor tries to thread the needle.

PROFESSOR

Oh, by the way, Gilligan, thanks for doing my laundry.

GILLIGAN

That's okay.

PROFESSOR

I missed it again.

Skipper takes the needle and thread from Professor.

SKIPPER

Professor, you've got to wet the thread. Let me show you.

Skipper puts the end of the thread in his mouth to wet it.

GILLIGAN

Let me do it, Skipper.

SKIPPER

Never mind, Gilligan.

Skipper tries to thread the needle. Gilligan helps.

GILLIGAN

Here. I almost got it through.

Gilligan pushes Skippers hand holding the thread.

SKIPPER

You almost got it through my finger!

GILLIGAN

Sorry, Skipper.

PROFESSOR

You know, at times like these, a woman comes in handy. It's hard to believe they've only been gone two days.

GILLIGAN

Seems like two years.

Skipper successfully threads the needle.

SKIPPER

Believe you me, we've taught them a lesson. There you are. Your needle is threaded.

Skipper hands the threaded needle to Professor.

PROFESSOR

Thanks, Skipper.

Professor turns around, revealing large holes in his shirt.

PROFESSOR (cont'd)

Boy, I sure need this.

Skipper notices the holes in Professor's shirt. Professor exits.

SKIPPER

Gilligan?

Gilligan turns away.

GILLIGAN

It's no use, Skipper. Either we get stronger clothes or softer rocks.

SKIPPER

Get back to scrubbing those clothes, but take it easy this time. Our clothes won't last forever.

Mr. Howell enters. He wears a chef's hat.

MR HOWELL

Excuse me, gentlemen. Did you want your dinner well done?

SKIPPER

That's fine, Mister Howell.

MR HOWELL

I mean very well done?

SKIPPER

It's okay with me.

MR HOWELL

Very, very well done?

GILLIGAN

We don't care how well done, Mister Howell.

Mr. Howell smiles.

MR HOWELL

Oh, good.

GILLIGAN

What are we having for dinner?

Mr. Howell drops the smile.

MR HOWELL

Ashes.

SKIPPER

I thought you said you were a good cook.

MR HOWELL

Well, I am a good cook when I have a chef working for me.

GILLIGAN

I'll sure be glad when the women learn their lesson. When they were here, we had good meals, clean clothes, and everything was easier.

SKIPPER

Gilligan, we're trying to prove a point. The women can't get along without us, but we can without the women.

MR HOWELL

(stern)

Yes. And don't you forget it. Absolutely.

(gentle)

Oh, by the way, did you happen to notice what color pill Missus Howell gives me before din-din?

FLIP TO:

EXT. GIRLS HUT - DAY

Ginger and Mrs. Howell work on the outside of their hut. Ginger twists a bamboo pole into the ground.

MRS HOWELL

This is the fourth nail I've broken today.

Ginger stops working.

GINGER

Since I got here, I broke eleven.

Mary Ann exits the girls hut.

MARY ANN

Eleven?

GINGER

I broke one twice.

MRS HOWELL

Ginger, we're proving a principle.

MARY ANN

Right. We can get along without the men. It's just the men who can't get along without us.

GINGER

(melancholy)

Gee, I hope so.

MRS HOWELL

Well, there's no question about it so let's not give the men another thought.

The women turn and return to work.

FLIP TO:

INT. COMMUNITY HUT - NIGHT

Gilligan and Skipper lie in their respective bunks. Professor lies on his bed.

GILLIGAN

I sure do miss the women.

SKIPPER

Oh, Gilligan, let's not mention the word "women."

PROFESSOR

Right. They've caused us enough trouble.

GILLIGAN

I sure do miss the ladies.

SKIPPER

Gilligan.

GILLIGAN

Girls?

Skipper pokes at Gilligan.

SKIPPER

Gilligan!

GILLIGAN

I sure do miss the boys with the long hair.

SKIPPER

Just go to sleep.

Mr. Howell enters the hut wearing a terrycloth robe and carrying his teddy bear.

MR HOWELL

Well, here we are. Beddy-bye time.

GILLIGAN

Mister Howell, you're more dressed up to go to bed than I am to be awake.

MR HOWELL

You're so right. Nighty-night, everyone.

Mr. Howell walks over to his bed and lies down.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

Good night, Lovey, wherever you are.

PROFESSOR

(disgustedly)

Women.

SKIPPER

I'll go along with that. How about you, Gilligan?

GILLIGAN

I don't know that much about women.

MR HOWELL

Neither do I, and I've been married to one for twenty-two years.

SKIPPER

If women would just act the way we wanted them to.

MR HOWELL

You can say that again.

SKIPPER

If women would just act the way we wanted them to.

RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:

DREAM SEQUENCE - INT. HAREM - DAY

Skipper is dressed in middle-eastern attire, wearing a turban and sitting on pillows. Vaguely middle-eastern MUSIC plays. An incense burner wafts smoke. Skipper claps twice. Ginger, Mary Ann, and Mrs. Howell enter. They are dressed as harem wives. They bow to Skipper. The MUSIC switches to a modern tempo and the women begin dancing. Mrs. Howell dances a modern (1960s-style) dance, while Ginger and Mary Ann dance in traditional harem style. They stop dancing.

SKIPPER

Come here, my wives.

The harem girls recline on the pillows.

GINGER

What is your pleasure, mighty potentate?

SKIPPER

I have an itch.

GINGER

Where?

SKIPPER

It is pleasant wherever you scratch.

Ginger scratches Skipper behind his collar and then scratches down his arm. Mary Ann feeds Skipper a grape. Mrs. Howell gives Skipper a tiny cup that looks like a jello shot. Skipper takes the shot and drinks it.

END DREAM SEQUENCE.

RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:

INT. COMMUNITY HUT - NIGHT

Skipper dreams in his hammock.

Mr. Howell nuzzles his teddy bear and dreams while asleep on his bed.

RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:

DREAM SEQUENCE - INT. MASSAGE PARLOR - DAY

Ginger massages Mr. Howell's temples.

GINGER

Do you like that, Mister Howell?

Mary Ann buffs Mr. Howell's fingernails.

MR HOWELL

I wish I were scalp all over. That feels marvelous.

(to Mary Ann)

Give those a high gloss, will you, my dear?

MARY ANN

I'd love to.

MR HOWELL

Crazy, girl. Crazy.

Mrs. Howell paints Mr. Howell's toenails.

MRS HOWELL

Comfy, dear?

MR HOWELL

Oh, yes. Do you mind the two lovely girls, do you?

MRS HOWELL

Of course not, darling. Anything to make you happy.

Mrs. Howell puts away the nail brush and looks at Mr. Howell toes through her lorgnette. Mrs. Howell removes a bottle of champagne from a chiller and pours some over Mr. Howell's foot.

MR HOWELL

Oh, those bubbles tickle! Must be vintage 1947.

Mrs. Howell holds up the bottle of champagne and nods. Mrs. Howell pours more champagne over his foot.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

Oh! Hello, tickled little toesies.

END DREAM SEQUENCE.

RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:

INT. COMMUNITY HUT - NIGHT

Mr. Howell sleeps on his bed and smiles.

Professor sleeps on his bed. In his sleep, he raises his arms as to defend himself.

PROFESSOR

Easy, girls. Easy.

RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:

DREAM SEQUENCE - EXT. STAGE DOOR - NIGHT

A solitary stage door separates "Cary" from his fans. Ginger, Mary Ann, and Mrs. Howell should for "Cary" to come out.

GINGER/MARY ANN/MRS. HOWELL

We want Cary! Cary! Cary!

Professor emerges from the stage door. The women cheer and clap.

PROFESSOR

(Cary Grant voice)

Easy. Wait a minute. Take it easy, girls. There's enough of me for everybody.

MARY ANN

Every time I see you I get chills!

GINGER

I get goose bumps!

MRS HOWELL

I feel so weak!

PROFESSOR

(Cary Grant voice)

Dear me, I don't know if I'm an actor or a virus.

MARY ANN

You send chills through me! We have pictures all over the wall, over the ceiling, and even on the floor.

MRS HOWELL

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Wall-to-wall Cary!

Mrs. Howell jumps up and down.

GINGER

Sometimes we take off our shoes and we walk barefoot through you!

Mary Ann screams.

MARY ANN

Cary, we love you!

Mary Ann rips off his scarf. The women rip Professor's jacket to shreds and tear his shirt.

END DREAM SEQUENCE.

RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:

INT. COMMUNITY HUT - NIGHT

Professor tosses and turns, his shirt open exposing his chest.

GILLIGAN

(Spanish)

Olé!

Professor awakes and finds his shirt unbuttoned and his chest exposed. He quickly covers himself.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

(Spanish)

Olé! Olé!

RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:

DREAM SEQUENCE - EXT. BULLFIGHT ARENA - DAY

Gilligan is dressed as a bullfighter, including a large cape. Ginger enters. She carries a fan and a sword in a scabbard.

GINGER

You are the most heroic bullfighter in all of Spain.

GILLIGAN

(Spanish)

Si, si.

(English)

I suppose I am.

GINGER

I have a present for you. A new sword.

Ginger presents Gilligan with a normal-size scabbard. He removes the sword and finds it to be table knife-sized.

GILLIGAN

All right. Now the little bulls will have a chance.

He places the blade back in the scabbard. Mary Ann enters. She carries a black bullfighter's hat.

MARY ANN

Señor Gilligan, here is my present.

Mary Ann places the hat on Gilligan's head. It covers his eyes.

GILLIGAN

(Spanish)

Si, si,...

(English)

I no can see see.

Gilligan straightens the hat so he can see. Mrs. Howell enters. She carries a fan and a bouquet of roses.

MRS HOWELL

Look what I have brought you. Mexican beauties.

Mrs. Howell presents Gilligan with a bouquet of roses. He takes them and exclaims in pain. He tosses the bouquet away.

GILLIGAN

I've been gored by a rose!

Gilligan holds his pricked finger. Ginger folds her fan.

MRS HOWELL

Let me see.

MARY ANN

Let me kiss it!

GILLIGAN

No, no, no! Let me kiss it.

Gilligan kisses his own finger. He removes his cape and bullfights the women with it. Mrs. Howell points her index fingers like horns and she charges Gilligan like a bull. Gilligan extends his cape and whisks it away. She exits.

Ginger uses the folded fan and sword as horns. Ginger charges Gilligan like a bull. Gilligan extends his cape and whisks it away. She exits.

Mary Ann uses her index fingers like horns and she charges Gilligan like a bull. Gilligan extends his cape and whisks it away. She exits. Gilligan wraps the cape around his arm and removes his hat.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

(Spanish)

Olé!

(pause)

Olé!

(pause)

Olé!

END DREAM SEQUENCE.

RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:

INT. COMMUNITY HUT - NIGHT

Gilligan stands and sleep-bullfights. Gilligan uses his blanket as if it were his bullfighting cape.

GILLIGAN

(Spanish)

Olé!

(pause)

Olé!

Gilligan shakes Gilligan's shoulder to wake him.

SKIPPER

Gilligan. Wake up, little buddy.

GILLIGAN

You are beautiful, señorita. I --

Gilligan wakes up.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

Oh, hi, Skipper.

SKIPPER

You've been dreaming!

Professor buttons his shirt. Professor groans.

PROFESSOR

We've only been in bed a half an hour. I guess none of us can sleep.

Professor stands up.

SKIPPER

We might as well get dressed and go outside and sit for a while.

Skipper and Professor head for the door. Gilligan still holds his blanket.

GILLIGAN

Olé!

Skipper and Professor exit. Gilligan wraps the blanket over his arm and struts toward the door as if he were the bullfighter of his dreams.

FLIP TO:

EXT. CAMP - NIGHT

The men sit around the campfire. Mr. Howell reclines on a chaise lounge. He holds a pill bottle. Gilligan leans up against it. Professor sits on the ground next to them. Skipper sits on a small stool.

SKIPPER

I think we've been getting along fine without the women. Right, Mister Howell?

MR HOWELL

Oh, yes, yes. I've even solved my pill problem. You see, I take one of each kind every hour so I won't miss any of them, and I feel good. I rattle when I walk, though.

SKIPPER

You just wait and see. Those women will be back pretty soon. How long have they been gone anyway?

GILLIGAN

Sixty-one hours.

PROFESSOR

Forty-two minutes.

Mr. Howell checks his wristwatch.

MR HOWELL

Eleven seconds.

SKIPPER

To tell the truth, I'm kind of missing the little ladies myself. But there must be a way to solve this problem.

GILLIGAN

I thought of a way, Skipper. It's a real simple idea. All we have to do is one thing.

SKIPPER

What?

GILLIGAN

Give up. Tell them they were right and we were wrong and ask them to come back.

SKIPPER

(resolutely)

Never!

PROFESSOR

(firmly)

Absolutely not.

MR HOWELL

(dramatically)

I'd rather die.

FLIP TO:

EXT. GIRLS HUT - NIGHT

The women's suitcases sit outside the hut.

MR HOWELL (O.S.)

On the other hand, there's no point being stubborn. I miss my Lovey.

EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT

Gilligan, Skipper, Professor, and Mr. Howell stand in the jungle.

SKIPPER

Which one of us will weaken first?

MR HOWELL

Since I'm the only married man, I -- I think I should approach the quarters first. It'd be the least embarrassing.

GILLIGAN

Yeah, that's right, Mister Howell.

MR HOWELL

You just wait right here now.

Mr. Howell leaves the group and walks down a path to the girls hut. The other men observe.

EXT. GIRLS HUT - NIGHT

Mr. Howell walks out of the jungle and approaches the girls hut. Mr. Howell whistles the Howell Family whistle thrice.

MR HOWELL

I can't understand it. That's our family whistle. Been in the family for years.

Mr. Howell walks around to the blanketed door of the hut. Mr. Howell whistles the Howell Family whistle again.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

Lovey, dear! They must be asleep. Lovey, dear!

Mr. Howell opens the curtain door to the girls quarters. They throw water on him.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

Lovey, dear!

They throw water on him again, completely soaking him. Mrs. Howell and Ginger poke their heads out of the blanketed doorway. Mary Ann pokes her head between them.

MRS HOWELL

The idea.

GINGER

Sneaking around like that.

MARY ANN

Peeping Tom!

Embarrassed, Mr. Howell quickly leaves. The women insult him.

EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT

Mr. Howell returns to the other men. He's soaking wet.

MR HOWELL

Oh, the nerve of them.

PROFESSOR

Well, maybe they didn't know it was you.

GILLIGAN

I bet they didn't.

MR HOWELL

Who else around here calls my wife "Lovey"?

Mr. Howell raises his fists to take on any suitor for Mrs. Howell.

SKIPPER

Wait a minute, Howell. Just cool off.

MR HOWELL

Cool off? I'm drenched!

EXT. GIRLS HUT - NIGHT

The women emerge through the blankets. They scan the jungle for the men.

MRS HOWELL

They must be up to something.

GINGER

Uh-oh, look!

Ginger points to the

MONSTER THAT LOOKS LIKE A GIANT LADYBUG

MARY ANN (O.S.)

They made another monster!

BACK TO SCENE

MRS HOWELL

They can't think we'd be foolish enough to fall for another monster.

EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT

The men approach the girls hut.

GINGER (O.S.)

It's even bigger than the last one!

MARY ANN (O.S.)

I think it's cute.

EXT. GIRLS HUT - NIGHT

The women stand just outside their hut.

MRS HOWELL

Oh, it just shows how silly they are. Men, I mean.

The men appear behind the women as the women mock the monster.

MARY ANN

Oh, it's ridiculous. It must take at least four of them to operate it.

MRS HOWELL

I don't believe it!

MARY ANN

They've come down!

PULL BACK to reveal the men watching the women. Ginger turns and sees the men.

MARY ANN (cont'd)

They can't think we'd be frightened by something like that.

Ginger realizes that since she sees the men, they are not inside the monster and her expression becomes fear. Ginger urgently taps Mrs. Howell on the shoulder. Mrs. Howell turns. Ginger points behind them. All three women realize the men are not operating the monster and scream. They flee their hut and run toward the men.

MRS HOWELL

Thurston, you've got to save us.

The women cower behind the men. Mrs. Howell hides behind Mr. Howell. Mary Ann hides behind Gilligan. Ginger hides behind Professor.

SKIPPER

What's going on here?

GINGER

Over there! Look!

WEATHER BALLOON MONSTER

as it flutters in the breeze.

BACK TO SCENE

SKIPPER

Gilligan, we'll get a closer look at this.

GILLIGAN

I can see it fine from here, Skipper.

SKIPPER

Professor, you're in charge. C'mon, we'll be right back.

Gilligan and Skipper investigate and exit.

WEATHER BALLOON MONSTER

EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT

Skipper and Gilligan move closer to the monster and stop. Gilligan follows Skipper closely. Too closely for Skipper.

SKIPPER

Gilligan, would you stop?

(looks at the monster)

Sure is weird looking.

GILLIGAN

Skipper, let's get out of here.

SKIPPER

Wait a minute. We can't. One of us got to keep an eye on it.

GILLIGAN

What's the other one of us have to do?

SKIPPER

We've got to go back and report to the others.

GILLIGAN

I volunteer for that.

Gilligan salutes and turns to leave, but Skipper stops him.

SKIPPER

You'll do as I say.

GILLIGAN

Aye aye, sir.

SKIPPER

Keep an eye on it. Don't let it get away.

GILLIGAN

Which eye?

Gilligan covers one eye briefly. They exchange glances. Gilligan looks fearful. Skipper returns to the others.

EXT. GIRLS HUT - NIGHT

Skipper approaches the other castaways who are huddled together.

MRS HOWELL

I don't know what I do without you.

MARY ANN

Oh, where's Gilligan?

MR HOWELL

Gilligan's been eaten!

Mary Ann screams.

SKIPPER

Gilligan is fine!

EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT

Gilligan holds a bamboo pole and a palm frond like a knight would hold a lance and a shield. Gilligan shakes the palm frond out of nervousness. Gilligan sizes up the monster.

GILLIGAN

I'll destroy that monster. I'll save us.

EXT. GIRLS HUT - NIGHT

No longer scared, Professor presses forward.

PROFESSOR

Wait, Skipper! That monster suddenly looks very familiar.

SKIPPER

Familiar?

PROFESSOR

It's a lost weather balloon! It's our rescue! We can inflate it and send it up with messages.

SKIPPER

And they always have radio equipment. We're saved!

Ginger and Mary Ann scream.

EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT

Gilligan holds the bamboo pole as jousting pole and palm frond as a shield. He musters his courage.

GILLIGAN

Ready or not, here I come!

Gilligan closes his eyes and charges at the monster. The pole punctures the monster weather balloon. As he removes the pole, the gas inside escapes in a torrential wind.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

Hot wind! He's trying to breathe fire on me. If Saint George can do it, Gilligan can!

Gilligan rushes the monster weather balloon again. He jumps on it and beats it with the pole. He sees the electronic components on the ground and mistakes it for the monster's brains.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

The brains!

He beats the electronics with the pole. The other castaways rush up to Gilligan.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

I did it. I did it. I killed it!

Professor picks up the electronic debris. Skipper reaches down and grasps a section of the balloon. Gilligan points at the destroyed electronics that the Professor holds.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

That's the brains.

Skipper holds up a section of fabric. On it are the letters "USAF."

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

Us-uff?

SKIPPER

United States Air Force balloon!

GILLIGAN

Oh.

Skipper throws the balloon to the ground. The castaways are disappointed in Gilligan. Gilligan sinks to the ground in embarrassment.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

TAG

FADE IN:

EXT. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. LAGOON BEACH - DAY

Skipper works on the balloon's electronics on a small table near the lagoon. In frustration, he slams the electronics to the table. Professor, standing near the water, turns to Skipper.

SKIPPER

Gilligan certainly did a thorough job on this radio. It's absolutely useless.

Professor walks closer to Skipper.

PROFESSOR

You know, Skipper, I've been thinking. We've still got a chance with that balloon.

SKIPPER

What do you mean, Professor?

PROFESSOR

Well, I can sew up the rips in the cloth. I can use some tree sap to seal it, and some hot air from the fire to inflate it.

SKIPPER

It'll make a great rescue signal.

PROFESSOR

Exactly. A plane or a ship is bound to spot it.

Gilligan enters. He hides what appears to be cloth behind his back.

GILLIGAN

Hi, Skipper. Hi, Professor.

Skipper notices that Gilligan is hiding the cloth.

SKIPPER

Hi, Gilligan. And what have you got, Gilligan?

GILLIGAN

It's a big secret. I've been working on it for days. Look.

Gilligan reveals the cloth squares.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

Material for skirts, for dresses, for the hut.

Skipper glances at Professor.

SKIPPER

And where did you get that, Gilligan?

Gilligan smiles broadly.

GILLIGAN

From the balloon, I cut it up in little pieces.

Gilligan claps in happiness. Professor palms his face. Skipper gives an aside glance and holds up a square of fabric showing the letters "USAF." He nods and looks at Gilligan.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY

FADE OUT.

THE END