TEASER

FADE IN:

EXT. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY

EXT. CAMP - DAY

GILLIGAN

speaks into a half coconut cup attached to a string.

GILLIGAN

Hello, hello. Testing, one, two, three, four. Can you hear me?

SKIPPER (O.S.)

Yes, Gilligan.

SKIPPER

SKIPPER

I can hear you fine. Can you hear me?

GILLIGAN

holds the coconut cup to his ear.

GILLIGAN

Yeah, I can hear you.

Gilligan turns to speak into the coconut cup.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

Yeah, I can hear you. Can you hear me?

SKIPPER

SKIPPER

Yes, Gilligan, I can hear you fine. Can you hear me?

GILLIGAN (O.S.)

Yeah, I can hear you.

BACK TO SCENE

Gilligan and Skipper stand less than six feet apart.

GILLIGAN

That Professor sure is smart to invent our own telephone system.

SKIPPER

That's right, Gilligan. He's going to string wires all over. That way we can talk any place on the island.

Mary Ann enters from the jungle.

MARY ANN

Gilligan, Skipper, have you seen Ginger? She's been gone all morning.

SKIPPER

Well, no, I haven't. She wasn't at breakfast.

MARY ANN

Oh, I'm awfully worried about her. She's been acting funny lately.

GILLIGAN

You mean funny-funny or funny-strange?

MARY ANN

Funny-strange.

SKIPPER

Well, if she‘s missing, we ought to organize a searching party.

MARY ANN

Oh, that's a good idea.

SKIPPER

Well, come on, Gilligan. She's probably at the other end of the island.

GILLIGAN

Hey, wait. If she's on the other end of the island, why don't we just call her?

Gilligan speaks into the coconut cup.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

Hello! Hello!

Skipper tugs on the "phone" string.

Gilligan reacts surprised that Skipper tugged on the string.

SKIPPER

The Professor hasn't strung those wires yet.

GILLIGAN

Oh, yeah.

Gilligan speaks into the coconut cup.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

Cancel that last call.

Skipper takes Gilligan's end of their cup and string phone system and hands all of it to Mary Ann. Skipper and Gilligan exit.

SKIPPER

Come on, Gilligan.

FADE OUT.

END OF TEASER

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

EXT. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. JUNGLE - DAY

Skipper and Gilligan comb the jungle looking for Ginger.

SKIPPER

Ginger! Ginger.

GILLIGAN

Ginger!

SKIPPER

Ginger!

GILLIGAN

Ginger!

They stop.

SKIPPER

Oh, we'll never find her this way. We've got to split up.

GILLIGAN

Split up? Oh, Skipper, we've been together too long. You're like a father to me.

SKIPPER

Gilligan.

GILLIGAN

I remember once, when we --

SKIPPER

Gilligan, what I mean is, we'll have to separate. That way we can cover more territory.

GILLIGAN

Oh.

SKIPPER

I'll go over here, ...

Skipper points to his right.

SKIPPER (cont'd)

... and you go out over there.

Skipper points to his left.

GILLIGAN

Right, Skipper.

Gilligan goes to the right.

SKIPPER

Oh, Gilligan.

Skipper grabs Gilligan by the shirt and sends him off to his left.

SKIPPER (cont'd)

I said, out there!

Skipper moves to follow Gilligan to the left, pauses, and then exits to his right.

Skipper walks through the jungle alone.

SKIPPER (cont'd)

Ginger!

GILLIGAN

Ginger! Hey, Ginger!

SKIPPER (O.S.)

Ginger!

SKIPPER

She's not over here.

GILLIGAN

She's not over here.

PARROT

sits on a branch in a tree.

PARROT

She's not over here.

BACK TO SCENE

Gilligan turns and looks up at the parrot.

PARROT

The parrot SQUAWKS.

GILLIGAN

double-takes on the parrot and then continues walking in the jungle.

FLIP TO:

EXT. JUNGLE - DAY

Gilligan searches for Ginger in the jungle until he comes upon her. Ginger sobs.

GILLIGAN

Ginger!

DOLLY BACK TO REVEAL

Gilligan sees Ginger sitting by herself.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

Oh, there you are! We've been looking all over for you. That must be a pretty sad story to make you cry like that.

Ginger holds a screenplay and cries.

GINGER

Oh, Gilligan. This was supposed to be my opening night. I was going to make my debut. I was supposed to star in this play.

Ginger stops crying while listening to Gilligan's story.

GILLIGAN

I was in a play once in school. It was called "Our Friends in the Forest." I played a squirrel.

GINGER

Oh, please.

GILLIGAN

And all I had to do was gather nuts while the other animals did nothing. I gathered nuts and nuts, and by the time winter came, I had plenty to eat, but --

GINGER

I know. All the other animals went hungry.

GILLIGAN

You saw the play.

Ginger stands and walks in a small circle. Gilligan stands too.

GINGER

Oh, Gilligan. You just don't understand. You just don't understand. This play was especially written for me. Why, I would have been famous overnight if I got to do it. All Broadway would have been at my feet.

GILLIGAN

Gee.

GINGER

Why, a new star would have been born. My name would have been assured among the greats. Producers would be clamoring for me.

GILLIGAN

You know what, Ginger?

GINGER

What?

GILLIGAN

You ought to be on the stage.

Ginger cries again. She walks over to a tree and leans her head against the trunk.

GINGER

Oh, Gilligan. You don't understand at all. You just don't understand.

Ginger leans on a palm tree and sobs.

FLIP TO:

EXT. CAMP - DAY

Skipper holds the door for Mary Ann as she carries a tray of food from the hut. Skipper follows her.

MARY ANN

I don't think it's going to do much good to take this to Ginger, Skipper.

SKIPPER

Well, you tell her she's got to eat that. She's got to have her strength kept up.

MARY ANN

Oh, I'll try.

Mary Ann exits.

Skipper walks over to the table, where Gilligan is seated.

SKIPPER

Poor girl. Wish there was something I could do for her.

GILLIGAN

Why don't you help her carry the tray?

SKIPPER

Not her, Gilligan. For Ginger. She's still broken up.

GILLIGAN

I don't blame her. I was reading the play. It's pretty good. Lots of action in it. Listen to this.

Gilligan stands and reads the dialog aloud.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

"Quiet! Not another word! I will take this sword and split your skull. I will throw off these chains. I refuse to be your slave. I will no longer toil for a thankless tyrant who will --"

Mr. Howell enters and interrupts Gilligan.

MR HOWELL

What's going on here? A mutiny?

GILLIGAN

I'm acting, Mister Howell.

MR HOWELL

Don't talk to me, you scurvy mutineer! Captain, throw this man in irons!

SKIPPER

Oh, relax, Mister Howell. This is not a mutiny. He's just reading some lines from a play.

MR HOWELL

A play? Reading some lines -- Well, there's one thing I can't stand, is a mutiny before luncheon.

GILLIGAN

Mister Howell, it's a script.

Gilligan hands the script to Mr. Howell. Mr. Howell looks over the script.

MR HOWELL

Oh, a script. Oh, yes. Title: "A Pyramid for Two." Big sets, small cast.

GILLIGAN

It's Ginger's play. She was supposed to put it on Broadway last night.

MR HOWELL

Oh, well, I'd like to read it. I've backed a few shows in my time. Musicals, you know. Dancing girls. It's the only business where you can be a devil when you're an angel. You get it?

GILLIGAN

No.

MR HOWELL

A backer is called an ang-- Uh, never mind.

Mr. Howell and Gilligan sit down at the table.

GILLIGAN

Mister Howell, maybe you could back this play.

MR HOWELL

Me?

GILLIGAN

Sure, Mister Howell. We can try it out here and if it's good, we can take it to Broadway.

MR HOWELL

Well, I don't know.

SKIPPER

Why don't you do it, Mister Howell? It'll be a lot of prestige.

MR HOWELL

I've got prestige.

GILLIGAN

And if it's a hit, you make a million dollars.

MR HOWELL

I've got a million dollars.

GILLIGAN

If it's a flop, you can deduct it from your income tax.

MR HOWELL

Now you're talking!

FLIP TO:

INT. GIRLS HUT - DAY

Mary Ann consoles Ginger. Mary Ann wears a shell necklace.

MARY ANN

Oh, Ginger, you've got to eat something. Oh, come on, Honey, snap out of it.

GINGER

Thanks, Mary Ann. I'll be all right.

Mary Ann removes the necklace she's wearing and puts it around Ginger's neck.

MARY ANN

Oh here. You've always admired this. Wear it a little while. Maybe it'll make you feel better.

GILLIGAN (O.S.)

Ginger! Hey, Ginger!

MARY ANN

Oh, Gilligan! She's in here!

Mary Ann opens the door for Gilligan. Gilligan enters.

GILLIGAN

Hey, Ginger. Ginger, guess what? Mister Howell's going to put the play on.

MARY ANN

Oh, that's wonderful!

GINGER

What's wonderful about it? So what if he puts my play on here?

GILLIGAN

You don't understand. We'll put it on here first, and if it's real good, he'll take it to Broadway. Meanwhile, the island -- the island's kind of like off-Broadway.

GINGER

Oh.

MARY ANN

Oh, that's great! Mister Howell has all kinds of influence. If anyone can make you a star, he can.

GINGER

Oh, Gilligan, you've made me so...

Ginger stands up and walks over to Gilligan, which backs him into a pole.

GINGER (cont'd)

... happy. You're wonderful! You're just marvelous. I don't know how to describe you, you're so great.

Ginger kisses her finger and moves to press her finger to Gilligan's lips. He turns away and knocks his head into a pole. Gilligan appears dazed as he slides down the pole. Ginger gives an aside glance and shrugs.

FLIP TO:

INT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY

Mrs. Howell is seated in front of a typewriter. Mr. Howell paces behind her.

MR HOWELL

Let's see. Whom can I get to play the leading man in this play?

MRS HOWELL

Well, what's he like, dear?

MR HOWELL

Well, the part calls for someone who has a magnificent physique, ravishingly handsome, marvelous diction. I know who would be perfect, but I'll be too busy directing the play.

(beat)

All right, back to business. Let's finish typing the parts.

MRS HOWELL

Well, I'm ready, dear.

MR HOWELL

"Marc Antony brings you news from Rome. The battle goes well, and the armies move onward, ever onward." Have you got that, my dear?

MRS HOWELL

Em-ay-are ...

Mrs. Howell hunts and for the "C" key.

MRS HOWELL (cont'd)

... see. Marc. There. What did you say after that, dear?

MR HOWELL

I see this is going to be a long rewrite.

MRS HOWELL

I've never typed before, and this typewriter's very confusing. They have the ay-bee-sees all mixed up.

Ginger enters.

GINGER

Mister Howell! Mister Howell! Gilligan told me you're going to produce my play. Oh, you've made me the happiest girl in the world.

Ginger kisses Mr. Howell on the cheek which leaves lipstick.

Mrs. Howell's mouth is agape in shock over Ginger kissing Mr. Howell.

MR HOWELL

Come, my dear. Let's not lose our heads.

GINGER

I just wanted to thank you, Mister Howell. I'll see you at rehearsal, huh?

Ginger exits.

MR HOWELL

Ta-ta, my dear. See you at the theater. Emotional little creature, isn't she?

MRS HOWELL

Yes.

(beat)

And if I were you, I'd wipe her gratitude off my face.

MR HOWELL

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

Mr. Howell wipes the lipstick off his cheek with a handkerchief.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

Now, where were we, my dear?

MRS HOWELL

Marc.

FLIP TO:

EXT. STAGE - DAY

Ginger rehearses her lines in the play next to the stage.

GINGER

"A ship! Look, in the harbor. I see a ship!"

Gilligan enters.

GILLIGAN

A ship? A ship? We're saved! Where is it? Where is it?

GINGER

Please, Gilligan. I'm practicing my lines.

GILLIGAN

Your acting sure is convincing. I thought there was a ship in the harbor.

GINGER

Gilligan, I got to change my costume.

GILLIGAN

Oh.

Ginger exits.

Gilligan walks over to the nearby stage. Professor paints the scenery.

The Professor paints the window on the set with a brush and a coconut cup of paint.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

Gee, Professor, you're doing a real neat job.

PROFESSOR

Thanks, Gilligan. You know, these jungle berries mixed with water make excellent paint.

Gilligan sticks his finger in the paint and brings it to his mouth to taste it. It tastes good.

GILLIGAN

Mmmm. In case the play's a flop, we can always eat the scenery.

PROFESSOR

I thought you were supposed to be fixing that door.

GILLIGAN

I already finished it. Look. Here.

Gilligan walks over to the stage door and demonstrates that it opens out from the stage.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

See? It works just fine.

The Professor follows Gilligan to the door.

PROFESSOR

Oh no, Gilligan, that's wrong. The door should open in, not out.

GILLIGAN

Why? It works fine. What's wrong with it having open out?

Gilligan demonstrates quickly opening the door out. Skipper cries out. Gilligan's face expresses that he realizes he struck down Skipper backstage. Professor opens the door more fully to reveal Skipper lying on the ground.

DOLLY THROUGH DOOR TO BACKSTAGE

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

Sorry, Skipper. I didn't know you were there.

SKIPPER

Gilligan, how do you manage to always do something that -- Never mind, Gilligan!

GILLIGAN

Skipper? Skipper, are you mad?

SKIPPER

Believe it or not, yes!

Mary Ann appears from the jungle carrying Skipper's Marc Antony toga. Mary Ann wears a high priestess toga costume.

MARY ANN

Skipper? Oh, I'm glad you're here. I want you to try on this toga that I made for you to see if it's big enough.

Mary Ann puts the toga over Skipper's head.

MARY ANN (cont'd)

Put your head through there. Like that.

SKIPPER

Where do I put the rest of it, Mary -- ?

MARY ANN

There! Wait, wait.

Mary Ann puts the head wear on Skipper.

MARY ANN (cont'd)

Goes like that.

EXT. STAGE - DAY

Mr. Howell steps up onto the stage and corrals the cast.

MR HOWELL

All right, cast. Rehearsal time. Places, everyone. Marc Antony, Caesar, Julius, Marc.

Professor, Gilligan, and Skipper enter the stage through the stage door.

PROFESSOR

Here we are, Mister Howell.

MR HOWELL

Fine.

SKIPPER

How do I look, Mister Howell?

Mr. Howell walks over to a chair on stage and picks it up.

MR HOWELL

Well, I know in the play Cleopatra's crazy about you, but you're not exactly my type.

Mr. Howell steps off the stage and places his director's chair in front of the stage.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

By the way, where is the Queen of the Nile?

GINGER

Here I am. How do I look?

Ginger walks to Mr. Howell, who stands in front of the stage.

MR HOWELL

Oh, you look ravishing. I must say, you look ravishing. I envy that snake, my dear.

GINGER

Thanks.

MR HOWELL

Shall we get on with it? All right, everyone. Clear the stage. Clear the stage.

Ginger steps up onto the stage. Gilligan, Professor and Skipper exit through the stage door to backstage. Mr. Howell directs.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

Now, in this one, you haven't seen your lover for ages. You understand? You're yearning for him. You're pining for him. You're by the window when you see the ship. All right. All right. Places. Let's go.

Mr. Howell sits in his director's chair.

GINGER

"Look! I see a ship. In the harbor! I see a ship!"

Gilligan enters through the stage door.

GILLIGAN

A ship? A ship? Where? We're saved! Where is it? Where is it?

MR HOWELL

Gilligan --

Mr. Howell sits in his director's chair.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

-- what are you doing?

GILLIGAN

Oh, it's just the play.

MR HOWELL

Yes, yes. Would you mind clearing this -- Get off there! Where were we? Oh, yes, yes. You're over there by the window, and the maid brings the nectar. Is the maid there?

MRS HOWELL

Yes, I'm ready.

MR HOWELL

All right. Places. Take it from the top.

GINGER

"A ship! Look! In the harbor. I see a ship!"

Mrs. Howell, costumed as the maid, fumbles with the tray, drops a drinking glass, picks it up.

MR HOWELL

What is this? Hurry, dear!

Mrs. Howell enters, pushing the stage door in, and carries a tray and drinking glass. She fumbles and tries to balance the drinking glass on the tray.

MRS HOWELL

"I bring you --"

Mrs. Howell drops the drinking glass.

MR HOWELL

Oh, go get it!

MRS HOWELL

(to Mr. Howell)

Don't yell at me.

(to Ginger)

"I bring you --"

Mrs. Howell fumbles with the tray and drinking glass.

MRS HOWELL (cont'd)

"I bring you nectar, my Queen."

Mrs. Howell steps in front of Ginger. Mrs. Howell's back is to Mr. Howell.

MR HOWELL

Lovey, my dear, you mustn't cross in front of a big star.

MRS HOWELL

Oh?

MR HOWELL

Try it again.

Mrs. Howell walks behind Ginger and repeats her line.

MRS HOWELL

"I bring you nectar, my Queen."

Ginger spins to face Mrs. Howell.

GINGER

"Thank you!"

MR HOWELL

No, Ginger. Ginger, you mustn't say "thank you." See, that's a servant. That's a nonentity, a very lowly person. You understand?

Ginger smiles while Mrs. Howell maintains a straight face.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

And incidentally, you look every inch a queen.

Ginger preens at the compliments. Mrs. Howell skeptically looks at Ginger.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

Proud and beautiful accustomed to the adoration of the world.

Mr. Howell positively beams at Ginger.

MRS HOWELL

Thurston.

MR HOWELL

You're beautiful.

MRS HOWELL

Thurston!

MR HOWELL

Oh, yes, yes. What is it, dear?

MRS HOWELL

I'd like a word with you. Alone.

MR HOWELL

Yes, yes, of course.

(to Ginger)

Maintain that mood.

GINGER

Yes.

Mr. Howell and Mrs. Howell walk offstage. Mr. Howell lends an arm to Mrs. Howell as she walks down the steps of the stage to the ground.

EXT. OFFSTAGE - DAY

Mrs. Howell confers with Mr. Howell regarding the part Mrs. Howell thinks she deserves.

MR HOWELL

Yes, my dear, what is it?

MRS HOWELL

Thurston, do you remember the day we got married?

MR HOWELL

Indeed, I do. That was the day Consolidated General jumped seventeen points.

MRS HOWELL

Do you still love me?

MR HOWELL

Of course I do, darling. I adore you. You're -- you're Missus Thurston Howell the Third.

MRS HOWELL

Well, doesn't it bother you that Missus Thurston Howell the Third -- should have such a teensy-weensy part in her husband's play?

MR HOWELL

I never thought of it that way.

MRS HOWELL

A Howell playing a maid.

MR HOWELL

It isn't exactly typecasting, is it? But the only parts left are -- Let's see, the high priestess?

(beat)

Slave girl?

(beat)

Lady-in-waiting?

(beat)

Well, the only part left is Cleopatra.

Mrs. Howell beams and smiles broadly. Mr. Howell smiles uncomfortably.

FLIP TO:

EXT. STAGE - DAY

Ginger continues to rehearse. Mr. Howell approaches the stage with Mrs. Howell.

MR HOWELL

All right. On stage, everyone. Everyone on stage. That's it. On the double.

Mary Ann, Skipper, Gilligan, and Professor enter from the stage door.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

Now, I have an announcement to make. I've decided on a slight cast change. Missus Howell will play the part of Cleopatra -- and Ginger will play the part of the maid.

Ginger starts crying and exits.

GINGER

Oh!

GILLIGAN

But Mister Howell, Ginger had her heart set on playing that part.

MR HOWELL

That's showbiz.

They are astonished. Mary Ann places her hands on her hips in disappointment.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

EXT. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY

EXT. STAGE - DAY

Mrs. Howell, costumed as Cleopatra, rehearses the play. Mr. Howell sits in front of the stage.

MRS HOWELL

"A ship! Look in the harbor. I see a ship."

Gilligan enters through the stage door.

GILLIGAN

A ship? A ship? Oh, we're saved! We're saved. Where --

MR HOWELL

Gilligan!

GILLIGAN

Oh. Still the play, huh?

MR HOWELL

Gilligan, what's wrong with you? Will you get backstage?

GILLIGAN

Excuse me, Mister Howell. I'll just go fix the scene.

Gilligan turns to exit, but runs into the scenery.

MR HOWELL

Really. All right, Lovey, my dear. Take it from the top.

MRS HOWELL

"A ship. Look. In the harbor. I see a ship."

MR HOWELL

That's the cue for the maid to enter with the nectar. Where's the maid? Ginger! Ginger! Where's Ginger?

Gilligan enters through the stage door.

GILLIGAN

I'm sorry, Mister Howell, but I'm afraid Cleopatra'll have to go on the wagon. Ginger refuses to play the part of the maid.

MRS HOWELL

Oh, dear. It's so hard to keep help these days.

GILLIGAN

Pretty hard, Mister Howell. She went back to her hut. I think she was crying.

Mr. Howell throws a childish fit.

MR HOWELL

Oh, temperament! I tell you, all you actresses are little children in a tantrum world! Oh, you're all against me! I can't put on a show with this temperament. Do you hear me? If there's one thing I can't stand, it's temperament!

Mr. Howell throws his hat to the ground and stomps on it in a tantrum, and finally sits on the stage.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. GIRLS HUT - DAY

Ginger sits crying while Gilligan and Mary Ann attempt to console her. Mary Ann wears her high priestess costume.

GILLIGAN

Don't cry, Ginger. I know how you feel, but it's not the end of the world.

GINGER

I was gonna be discovered. I was gonna open on Broadway. I was gonna be a star! And now look at me!

GILLIGAN

You're right. It's the end of the world.

MARY ANN

Oh, Gilligan, stop that. Oh, that's no way to cheer her up.

GILLIGAN

Oh yeah, I was supposed to cheer her up.

(cheerfully)

Look on the bright side, Ginger. Maybe we'll never be rescued -- and maybe we'll be marooned on this island for the rest of our lives. Then there'll be no Broadway, no play, no nothing.

Gilligan laughs uncomfortably.

GINGER

I may do something desperate.

MARY ANN

Oh, Gilligan, out.

Mary Ann points to the door.

GILLIGAN

Huh?

MARY ANN

Out! Go out!

GILLIGAN

Are you trying to tell me something?

Mary Ann grabs a broom and chases Gilligan out the door.

MARY ANN

I certainly am. Out, Gilligan!

Gilligan exits. Mary Ann closes the door behind him.

FLIP TO:

EXT. BACKSTAGE - DAY

Skipper rehearses his lines as Marc Antony.

SKIPPER

"Oh, my fair Queen, come away with me and share my life --"

Gilligan enters and interrupts.

GILLIGAN

Skipper?

SKIPPER

Just a minute, Gilligan.

GILLIGAN

But, Skipper, I want to talk to you. It's about Ginger. Remember we decided to put this play on --

SKIPPER

Gilligan, please. Can't you see that I'm rehearsing my lines?

GILLIGAN

Oh.

SKIPPER

"Oh, my fair Queen, come away with me and share my lot. Our love will --"

Skipper glaces at the script.

SKIPPER (cont'd)

"Our love will last all through e--"

Skipper checks the script for the next word.

SKIPPER (cont'd)

"-- eternity. Eternity. Eternity."

GILLIGAN

Now can we talk, huh, Skipper, huh? Now can we talk?

SKIPPER

Well, you're a fine pal. I mean, what'd you think of my acting?

GILLIGAN

Your acting?

SKIPPER

That last speech I made. What did you think of it?

GILLIGAN

I don't know. I wasn't listening.

SKIPPER

Oh, Gilligan, well, listen this time. I'll do it again. I want your opinion.

GILLIGAN

But Skipper, I want to talk to you.

SKIPPER

Gilligan, will you stop and listen?

Skipper rehearses his lines.

SKIPPER (cont'd)

"0h, my fair Queen --"

Gilligan applauds.

GILLIGAN

That was just great, Skipper. Just great.

SKIPPER

Gilligan, I haven't even said it.

GILLIGAN

Yeah, but now can we talk?

SKIPPER

(angrily)

Will you go away and let me alone and do my rehearsing by myself?

GILLIGAN

Yes, sir.

Gilligan exits. Skipper gives an aside glance and then continues rehearsing.

SKIPPER

Oh, my fair Gilligan --

Skipper lowers his head after flubbing the line. Skipper attempts to raise his arm to dramatically gesture, but his Marc Antony costume is tangled around his arm.

SKIPPER (cont'd)

Oh, my --

Skipper moves the fabric and tries again.

SKIPPER (cont'd)

oh, my fair --

Skipper's efforts only make the problem worse.

FLIP TO:

EXT. STAGE - DAY

Mrs. Howell is costumed as Cleopatra. She rehearses her performance. Her voice is lower and husky as Cleopatra. Mr. Howell directs her performance on stage. He is dressed as a director and carries a cane.

MRS HOWELL

"My heart, it beats so. I can scarce hear my lover's approach."

MR HOWELL

That is very good. Very good, Lovey. Now remember, Cleopatra is a woman of passion and she is waiting for her lover, Marc Antony, to return from Rome. Got that?

MRS HOWELL

I think so.

As Mr. Howell describes how Cleopatra feels, Mrs. Howell gestures to each body part in turn.

MR HOWELL

Your eyes are glowing. Your temples are pounding. Your heart is beating fast. Your anxiety is such that you can hardly breathe.

Mrs. Howell inhales and exhales quickly.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

Just pretend that you've eaten a Hungarian dinner.

MRS HOWELL

Oh, yes!

MR HOWELL

Very good. I knew you'd get it.

Mr. Howell crosses the stage to the door.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

(to Skipper)

Are you ready, Marc Antony?

Skipper opens the stage door from backstage.

SKIPPER

I'm ready, Mister Howell. Just give me my cue.

Mr. Howell steps off the stage and walks to his chair.

MR HOWELL

Good, good, good. Curtain. Lights. You're on, my dear.

Mr. Howell taps his cane on the stage.

MRS HOWELL

"My heart it beats so. I can scarce hear my lover's approach."

EXT. BACKSTAGE - DAY

Skipper waits backstage for his cue. Gilligan enters.

GILLIGAN

Skipper, can I talk to you?

SKIPPER

Not now, Gilligan. I'm -- I'm waiting for my cue.

EXT. STAGE - DAY

MRS HOWELL

"My heart, it beats so. I can scarce hear my lover's approach."

EXT. BACKSTAGE - DAY

SKIPPER

That's my cue.

GILLIGAN

Please, Skipper, please?

EXT. STAGE - DAY

Skipper, costumed as Marc Antony, enters via the stage door. He walks over to Mrs. Howell and stops.

MR HOWELL

Well, Marc Antony, say something.

SKIPPER

I forgot my line, Mister Howell.

Mr. Howell rolls his eyes.

MR HOWELL

"Oh gracious Queen, greet thy happy sailor." Trippingly.

SKIPPER

I've got it now. I got it.

Skipper exits through the stage door.

EXT. BACKSTAGE - DAY

Skipper enters from the stage.

GILLIGAN

Now, Skipper? Now?

SKIPPER

Not now, Gilligan.

GILLIGAN

But you promised.

EXT. STAGE - DAY

Mrs. Howell overacts her line.

MRS HOWELL

"My heart, it beats so. I can scarce hear my lover's approach."

Skipper enters through the stage door.

SKIPPER

"Oh, gracious greet, queen thy happy sailor."

MR HOWELL

In the name of Richard Burton, what are you doing?

SKIPPER

I'm sorry, Mister Howell. But it's Gilligan. He's pestering me.

MR HOWELL

Never mind that. We'll take care of that. Do it again, will you please?

SKIPPER

All right, sir.

Skipper turns and walks toward the stage door.

EXT. BACKSTAGE - DAY

Skipper enters.

GILLIGAN

Now, Skipper, now, huh?

SKIPPER

Not now, Gilligan! For goodness sakes, help with the scenery, the props, or do something!

EXT. STAGE - DAY

Mrs. Howell passionately delivers her line.

MRS HOWELL

(irritatedly)

"My heart, it beats so. I can scarce hear my lover's approach."

Skipper enters.

SKIPPER

"Oh, gracious sailor, queen thy happy greet!"

Mrs. Howell rolls her eyes. Mr. Howell rolls his eyes.

EXT. BACKSTAGE - DAY

Gilligan moves a ladder.

SKIPPER (O.S.)

Please, Mister Howell, once more?

EXT. STAGE - DAY

SKIPPER

Just once more? All right.

Skipper exits through the stage door.

MRS HOWELL

Really, darling. How can I perform when the other actors can't remember their lines?

MR HOWELL

Never mind, Lovey. Calm down. He's a slow study.

PAN ON

Gilligan as he enters carrying a ladder across the stage in front the actors.

MRS HOWELL

(irritated)

"I can scarce hear my --"

MR HOWELL (O.S.)

Gilligan!

MR HOWELL

What are you doing with that ladder?

GILLIGAN

The Professor has to paint the scenery.

MR HOWELL

Well, not now. We're rehearsing!

GILLIGAN

Okay. I'll take it backstage.

Gilligan carries the ladder and lines it up to take it through the stage door.

MRS HOWELL

"I can scarce hear my lover's approach."

Skipper opens the door and enters. Skipper runs into the rungs of the ladder.

SKIPPER

as he breaks all of the rungs until he is face to face with Gilligan. Skipper gives an aside glance.

FLIP TO:

INT. HOWELLS HUT - DAY

Mr. Howell and Mrs. Howell discuss the play. Mrs. Howell sits at her table in front of a small mirror. Mr. Howell gushes about the play.

MR HOWELL

That last rehearsal, my dear, was simply marvelous. With my directing and my producing, this play could be a big Broadway hit.

MRS HOWELL

Thurston, you haven't said a word about my performance.

MR HOWELL

No, I haven't, have I? Well, it's an oversight on my part. May I say, my dear, that you are simply splendid.

MRS HOWELL

Oh, thank you, Thurston. Even Ginger, whom I replaced in the part, paid me a compliment. She compared me to a famous television personality.

MR HOWELL

Oh, good.

MRS HOWELL

By the way, who is Mister Ed?

MR HOWELL

I haven't any idea. I wonder why she didn't compare you to Missus Ed. I can't wait for tomorrow night. Opening night. Lot of details to attend to, my dear. See you later.

Gilligan enters.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

Hello, Gilligan, my boy.

GILLIGAN

Hi Mister Howell. Can I talk to Missus Howell?

MR HOWELL

There she is, Cleopatra. See you later.

Mr. Howell exits. Mrs. Howell checks her makeup in the mirror.

GILLIGAN

Hi, Missus Howell. I hope you're not gonna get mad at me for what I'm gonna say. It's got nothing to do with your acting. I think that's real good. Maybe even better than Mister Ed's. But, you see, the reason we put this play on in the first place was because Ginger was feeling so terrible about Broadway and you're a very important woman, Missus Howell, and you got everything you want, but this play is the only thing Ginger's got. I hope you're not getting mad at me. See, Ginger's getting real desperate and I thought that maybe if you'd, uh -- I guess you're getting mad at me. You haven't said a single word.

Mrs. Howell motions to her throat.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

What?

Gilligan leans in to hear what she's trying to say.

GILLIGAN (cont'd)

What's the matter, Missus Howell? Mister Howell? Mister Howell?

Mr. Howell enters.

MR HOWELL

What is it, Gilligan?

GILLIGAN

She's talking, but nothing's coming out.

MR HOWELL

Lovey, my dear, what is it?

Mrs. Howell motions to her throat.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

By George, she's got Laryngitis.

GILLIGAN

Yeah. She lost her voice, too.

MR HOWELL

A star with Laryngitis. It's the scourge of every producer.

GILLIGAN

What're you gonna do, Mister Howell?

MR HOWELL

I'll have to call off the show. I'm an angel with my wings clipped.

GILLIGAN

Why don't you use Ginger? She knows all the lines.

MR HOWELL

Well, I don't know --

GILLIGAN

Mister Howell, I saw a movie once and just before the star went on, she fell and broke both her arms.

(puzzled)

Or was it both her legs?

(pause)

Well, anyhow, there was a girl in the chorus and she knew the lines and the dances and the producer was going nuts and he yelled --

MR HOWELL

Get the understudy!

GILLIGAN

You saw the picture, too.

MR HOWELL

On the late show. Go, my boy!

Gilligan exits.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

Lovey, try.

Mrs. Howell motions to her throat and shakes her head.

FLIP TO:

EXT. STAGE - NIGHT

PROGRAM FAN

DOLLY BACK TO REVEAL

Gilligan holding a woven fan that reads "PROGRAM" on the back and "Act I: Courtyard, Act II: Palace, and Act III: Queen's Chambers" on the front. He ushers the Howells to their seats. Mr. Howell directs Mrs. Howell to their seats in the second row on the left side of the aisle.

MR HOWELL

Here we go, my dear.

Gilligan directs Mr. Howell to the front row on the right side of the aisle.

GILLIGAN

Oh, no, sir. Here's your seat right up here, sir.

MR HOWELL

Nonsense. I always sit second row center with Missus Howell!

GILLIGAN

May I see your ticket, please, sir?

MR HOWELL

May you see it --

Mr. Howell searches his pockets.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

(angrily)

What are you talking about?!

Mr. Howell takes the program from Gilligan and directs him backstage.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

Get backstage, will you? All right. The first-nighters are here. Curtain!

The curtain opens. Brass horn fanfare plays. The Howells applaud.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

Beautiful set!

The music changes to a full orchestra. Ginger enters. She twirls and bows. The Howells applaud.

EXT. BACKSTAGE - NIGHT

Gilligan prepares to go on stage as the maid.

GINGER (O.S.)

"A ship! Look, in the harbor. I see a ship!"

EXT. STAGE - NIGHT

Gilligan, costumed as the maid, enters through the stage door. He carries a tray with a drinking glass on it.

GILLIGAN

"Your nectar, oh my Queen."

GINGER

"Oh, no. No, no, no. I'm too excited. My lover's ship is in the harbor."

Ginger pulls a message from her cleavage.

GINGER (cont'd)

"Oh, I must send him this message. Send in the royal messenger."

Gilligan reaches to take the message, but Ginger withdraws it.

GINGER (cont'd)

"No, no, no."

Gilligan turns to leave and puts the TRAY under his arm. The glass is affixed to the tray so it does not fall off.

EXT. BACKSTAGE - NIGHT

Gilligan quick changes into the messenger costume. Mary Ann and Professor help him. Mary Ann wears a high priestess toga. Professor wears his usual attire.

EXT. STAGE - NIGHT

GILLIGAN

"You sent for me, 0h Queen?"

GINGER

"Oh, yes, yes, I did. I want you to send this message to my lover Marc Antony."

Gilligan reaches for the message, but Ginger withdraws it.

GINGER (cont'd)

"But wait. No. You will be recognized. Send in my maid."

GILLIGAN

Huh?

GINGER

"My maid. Send my maid in."

GILLIGAN

"Yes, 0h Queen."

EXT. BACKSTAGE - NIGHT

Gilligan quick changes back into the maid costume. Mary Ann and Professor help him.

EXT. STAGE - NIGHT

Gilligan enters costumed as the maid.

GILLIGAN

"You sent for me, 0h Queen?"

GINGER

"Oh, yes, yes. I've decided that you must take this message to my lover, Marc Antony."

GILLIGAN

"Yes, 0h Queen."

GINGER

"But wait! A woman. You will be suspect. Send in my aged, but trustworthy major-domo. Send him in immediately."

GILLIGAN

Yeah, it figures. Why don't you give me the message, and I can give it to him?

GINGER

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I must -- I must entrust it to him with my own hands."

EXT. BACKSTAGE - NIGHT

Gilligan quick changes into the major-domo costume. Mary Ann and Professor help him.

EXT. STAGE - NIGHT

Gilligan enters costumed as the major-domo.

GILLIGAN

"Your maid said you wanted me, 0h Queen?"

GINGER

"Yes, yes. Deliver this message, but be careful. Caesar's spies are everywhere."

GILLIGAN

"I will be careful, 0h Queen."

GINGER

"You know what to do if you're caught?"

GILLIGAN

"I'll eat it."

GINGER

"Good, good, good. This message must not fall into Caesar's hands. Hark! I hear footsteps. It's Caesar!"

Gilligan eats the message. Ginger moves to the stage door and peers out.

GINGER (cont'd)

"No, I was mistaken. It's not Caesar. Give me back the message."

Ginger holds out her hand.

GINGER (cont'd)

"Give me back the message."

Gilligan swallows.

GILLIGAN

"Too late, oh Queen."

Gilligan motions to his chest as if he has trouble swallowing the message. Ginger glares at him.

MR HOWELL

It's wonderful, dear, and the next act is even more dramatic.

EXT. STAGE - NIGHT

Gilligan, costumed as a slave, wears a ball and chain. Gilligan fans Ginger, who reclines on a day bed.

GINGER

"My heart, it beats so."

Gilligan's fan falls into Ginger's face so she pushes it out of the way.

GINGER (cont'd)

"I can scarce hear my lover's approach."

Loud footsteps. Gilligan turns to the door so the fan falls into Ginger's face. Ginger pushes the fan out of her face.

GINGER (cont'd)

"Slave, open the door."

Gilligan drags the ball and chain toward the door. Cleopatra grows impatient.

GINGER (cont'd)

"Slave, open the door."

Gilligan picks up the ball and chain and moves to the door. Gilligan sets the fan down next to the door, which he opens for Skipper costumed as Marc Antony. Gilligan moves around behind him. Skipper stands in the doorway.

SKIPPER

"Oh gracious Queen, greet thy happy sailor!"

Skipper enters. Gilligan stands on the tail of Skipper's toga. As Skipper moves onto the stage, his costume tears in half.

PROFESSOR AND MARY ANN

as they stand in the stage wing. Mary Ann covers her eyes after seeing Skipper in his undergarments. Mary Ann peeks to see if Skipper has covered himself and re-covers her eyes. Professor quickly closes the curtain.

BACK TO SCENE

The curtain closes as the play cast scrambles to recover.

MR HOWELL

Wasn't she magnificent, dear?

MRS HOWELL

Bravo, bravo!

MR HOWELL

Bravo, bravo. What did you say?

MRS HOWELL

I said, "bravo."

MR HOWELL

You didn't have Laryngitis after all. You were just being noble.

MRS HOWELL

I was just being a Howell.

MR HOWELL

Bravo!

The curtain opens. Ginger bows. Mary Ann enters and motions for the Professor to join her on stage. Gilligan and Skipper correctly adjust Skipper's costume.

MR HOWELL (cont'd)

Bravo!

MRS HOWELL

Bravo!

MR HOWELL

Bravo! Simply marvelous!

Gilligan drops the ball on Skipper's foot. Skipper cries out in pain.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

TAG

FADE IN:

EXT. CAMP - DAY

Skipper walks through the jungle.

SKIPPER

Gilligan!

Gilligan pulls his clothesline taut. It rises up from the ground.

SKIPPER (cont'd)

Gilligan, little buddy!

Skipper runs into Gilligan's clothes line. He is caught at the neck and is flung backward as if snapped by a large rubber band.

Skipper's size causes tension on the clothesline and pulls Gilligan back to the outside wall of the hut. Gilligan pulls the line taut again, turns, and sees the Skipper lying on the ground.

Gilligan runs over to the Skipper lying on the jungle floor. Gilligan helps Skipper to his feet.

GILLIGAN

Come on, Skipper. Here. I'm sorry, Skipper.

SKIPPER

Gilligan, never mind. Never mind, Gilligan.

Gilligan and Skipper walk back to the clearing.

GILLIGAN

I was just hanging up the wash to dry.

SKIPPER

I saw that you were. Now, Gilligan, I want to talk to you about something. Well, Mister Howell really liked the play, didn't he?

GILLIGAN

He sure did. He's gonna put it on Broadway when we get off the island.

SKIPPER

Exactly. Now, Gilligan, I want you to forget something. Understand? I want you to forget that I'm your Skipper.

GILLIGAN

It's forgotten.

SKIPPER

And I want you to forget that you work for me.

GILLIGAN

It's forgotten.

SKIPPER

And I want you to forget that I'm twice as big as you are.

GILLIGAN

It's forgotten.

Skipper places his arm around Gilligan's shoulders.

SKIPPER

Good. Gilligan, what did you think of my Marc Antony, little buddy?

GILLIGAN

It's forgotten.

Skipper removes his arm from Gilligan's shoulders.

SKIPPER

Come on now, Gilligan. What did you really think?

PARROT

sits on a branch in a tree.

PARROT

Terrible, terrible, terrible.

BACK TO SCENE

GILLIGAN

Don't pay any attention to him. He just says what he's taught.

SKIPPER

Uh-huh. And who's been teaching him?

PARROT (O.S.)

Gilligan, Gilligan, ...

PARROT

sits on a branch in a tree.

PARROT

... Gilligan.

BACK TO SCENE

The parrot SQUAWKS.

GILLIGAN

Blabbermouth.

Skipper nods at Gilligan and gives an aside glance.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY

FADE OUT.

THE END